do I tell her I think she has BPD?

[djkrock]

I'm not a psychologist but I am 100% sure that my wife is BPD?  Any opinions on whether I should talk to her about this or just use the techniques I'm learning to deal with it?

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[Mono No Aware]

Read The Lessons.

It is expressely not recommended.

People, especially emotionally fragile people who are not dysregulated at the moment, don't react well to being told by someone they love and trust that they are broken.

People, espeically emotionally fragile people who are dysreguated at the moment, don't react well to being told by someone they hate and despise that they are broken.

All you can do is try to get them to therapy.

Good luck, I've not had much of it.

[Nonamouse]

FWIW, I told my wife, during one of her rages, and it didn't turn out well. At least at first. She told me I had BPD and I was the one who needed therapy. Later she became obsessed with it, read all the books, and admitted she felt she had it. During rages, she would go back to denial and rant at me about accusing her of having this terrible condition.

During this time, her psychiatrist said she was "too nice" to have BPD. Her therapist said she had traits but that she felt because she expressed regret and sadness about the way she acted out, she felt it was more of an attachment disorder. Since then she has been diagnosed by a person who specializes in BPD and is in DBT therapy. She is getting better and has largely accepted it.

IMO, it is critical to get a therapist who specializes in DBT because many don't understand it. My own therapist suggested it was rare and that I was probably wrong, despite meeting every one of the DSM criteria.

I know it is not recommended but worked out for me, ultimately, but acceptance took a year and everyone is different.

Hope this helps.

[lostandunsure]

I'd also suggest not doing it. When I found out about BPD, I let her know that I thought that it might be a good fit (I later found out that most people recommend that you don't tell them). I was just so excited to have finally found something that fit what she was going through (and... . well... . what I was going through in our relationship) that I told her.

Just as "Mono No Aware" stated, it was very difficult for her to hear from me that she has this. It didn't come from an objective third party like a physiatrist or a therapist, nope, her husband told her that she has a severe personality disorder. While it didn't directly cause an argument (ok, it did a couple of times along the way I think) It did trigger several points of dysregulation. If I could go back and do it over again, I wouldn't have told her. I would have waited for her psychiatrist to diagnose her officially and let her deal with it from that point.

[dagwood]

FWIW, I told my wife, during one of her rages, and it didn't turn out well. At least at first. She told me I had BPD and I was the one who needed therapy. Later she became obsessed with it, read all the books, and admitted she felt she had it. During rages, she would go back to denial and rant at me about accusing her of having this terrible condition.

During this time, her psychiatrist said she was "too nice" to have BPD. Her therapist said she had traits but that she felt because she expressed regret and sadness about the way she acted out, she felt it was more of an attachment disorder. Since then she has been diagnosed by a person who specializes in BPD and is in DBT therapy. She is getting better and has largely accepted it.

IMO, it is critical to get a therapist who specializes in DBT because many don't understand it. My own therapist suggested it was rare and that I was probably wrong, despite meeting every one of the DSM criteria.

I know it is not recommended but worked out for me, ultimately, but acceptance took a year and everyone is different.

Hope this helps.

I think it's interesting that the psychiatrist said she was "too nice" to have BPD... . to me that indicates a lack of knowledge of the disorder.  People with BPD are very good... . at least in the beginning of the therapeutic relationship... . at manipulating the therapist into thinking they don't have BPD.  IMO, a therapist should be aware of these things.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I think all of us her can understand wanting to tell your loved one that he might have BPD. It's logical to want to give someone you love information that would be beneficial to them.

As the others above here stated, it will most likely not be well received. It will be seen as invalidating, attacking and possibly abandoning. So not good news.

Here's a great link with more information:

Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment

Better to stick with the tools and techniques 

[RedEye]

My wife came to me one time and read directly from the Wikipedia page on BPD to explain what she felt like. I asked if she was asking if she had that, and she said that she didn't, she just wanted to give me some understanding into how she feels (strong emotions, prone to dissociation, etc.). That was a few months ago.

Last weekend, there was a point when I judged that she was particularly calm, and I asked if I could tell her something and if she could promise not to get mad. She started freaking out (she's paranoid (not entirely without justification, but still much too strongly) that I'm lying to her about things, so she was worried that I was going to confess a previous lie), so I just went ahead and said, "Remember when you read the BPD page to me? Looking back, it sounds really accurate. I think maybe you do have it... . " She said she didn't, that she was fine. I told her a couple more times gently to think about it, but she brushed it off.

So in my case, I did end up telling my wife. I chose the best time to say it, so she did not get at all angry, but it also didn't change her mind or give her any new revelations.

[Hope26]

I see most of the replies here are saying to not tell her, and I'm not necessarily disagreeing, being new to all this myself.  But how in the heck are you going to get somebody to seek therapy if they don't know they have a problem?  And who else but their spouse or SO is in a position to really see it, especially if the pwBPD is high-functioning?  I've told my husband I think he has it, and for the first time in his life he is considering getting therapy.  He has no idea why his previous wives left him (I'm number 4, which should have told me something).  One of my concerns about therapists, though, is that I think there are as many poor ones as good ones, and the 'you're too nice to have BPD' comment mentioned below seems to confirm that.  Anyway, best of luck to all of you, I'm so glad I found this site!    Hope26

[Grey Kitty]

Asking somebody to get therapy is different than telling them that they have a personality disorder.

I would recommend addressing specific behaviors instead of working on the label / etc. with your partner.

Vetting a therapist (or two) in advance to make sure that they understand BPD and how to treat it so you can recommend them is a great idea.

BTW, my $.02 is that talking to my wife about BPD didn't help anything in my case... . It did make things worse, but only a little bit.