Just a small thing my stepmom noticed...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My stepmom is someone who I trust a lot. She's always treated me and my brother very well. Before she married my father, she was married to a very abusive man. So we have some things in common with the general types of abuse that we've experienced in her relationship and mine with my ex. I was telling her I noticed my ex didn't even really like for me to go to my weekly Bible study. That's then she said she noticed something about her, but she didn't mention it to me at the time because she expected it was something we (me and ex) had already worked out. It was either at the engagement party or the wedding shower. My stepmom had to work for a minute to find the exact word, but she said my ex was "CONCERNED" when she saw my mother patting me or giving me a hug. My dad noticed it, too, but they decided not to say anything to me about it. I've had a long time to get out of the FOG, but I'm still amazed at how insecure she was and at all of the chaos from her fragility and unpredictability. I was very naive and wanted to believe the love story, but wow... . there was a lot going on I didn't recognize due to the honeymoon phase or just emotional exhaustion from trying to maintain the relationship.

[findingmyselfagain]

My stepmom is someone who I trust a lot. She's always treated me and my brother very well. Before she married my father, she was married to a very abusive man. So we have some things in common with the general types of abuse that we've experienced in her relationship and mine with my ex. I was telling her I noticed my ex didn't even really like for me to go to my weekly Bible study. That's then she said she noticed something about her, but she didn't mention it to me at the time because she expected it was something we (me and ex) had already worked out. It was either at the engagement party or the wedding shower. My stepmom had to work for a minute to find the exact word, but she said my ex was "CONCERNED" when she saw my mother patting me or giving me a hug. My dad noticed it, too, but they decided not to say anything to me about it. I've had a long time to get out of the FOG, but I'm still amazed at how insecure she was and at all of the chaos from her fragility and unpredictability. I was very naive and wanted to believe the love story, but wow... . there was a lot going on I didn't recognize due to the honeymoon phase or just emotional exhaustion from trying to maintain the relationship.

[Indalecio]

I remember the many, many times I didn't answer my phone or reply to a text right away due to working.

The few times I was coming home late from work ( I ride a motorcycle, so can't use the phone.)

My exBPDgf would always worry and leave such concerning sounding voice mails, making sure I was okay.

Then, during the argument that began our downfall, when I finally confronted her about all the cheating she did with her co-worker, she asked how many girls was I seeing behind her back. I was honestly shocked and looked at her with a "What the heck, really?" kind of face. "You know my work schedule, it's on the refrigerator. I'm always on the phone with you when we are both free and you know I rush home to be with you because you're my sweet heart."

It's so ridiculous how someone that's so afraid of abandonment can abandon your behind in a heartbeat, huh? =/

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, it's bizarre but we know that. When mine showed concern, she really showed concern but it wasn't consistent.

I think the concern that FindingMyselfAgain mentioned relates to the BPD ex being "CONCERNED" that his/her mother would pat and hug him/her. I'm not sure about the patting but there iscertainly nothing wrong with hugging.

But why the "concern"? Is it a fear that they will never be as close? That you are close with someone? That someone actually LOVES you? Do they see this as competition? Is it going to be harder to isolate you now that they've seen this?

Or something else perhaps?

[Reg]

Indalecio mentioned a very interesting thing also, behavior with the cell phone.

I've seen several times how my ex partner was in panic when I didn't immediately answer her call or text message.  The fact that it takes to long to get a reply, whatever the good reason may be, seems to be enough to trigger the abandonment fears of a borderline. 

Also I did get punished often by not answering my calls or text messages for hours or a whole day, with the weirdest and most unbelievable excuses because of her fears of abandonment.  She was already convinced that I would leave her so I had to be punished for that.  And that very often totally without any serious reason.  It's all the pd.

To what was mentioned by findingmyselfagain and Aussie0zborn about being concerned, personally I think it has to do with some kind of jealousy and the problem in general with intimacy in the BPD mind.

My ex partner for example could never accept it that I would show some kind of love infront of her father, so she clearly had issues on that matter with her dad as well.

Reg

[findingmyselfagain]

My stepmom said my mother was either patting me on my leg or hugging me, and she could only describe the look on my ex's face as looking like she was very "concerned." She never seemed to like me going to my Bible study group. She said once that "they only remember the fights." As if she saw them as a threat or she was worried they'd advise me to leave her? I made a point not to put anything on FB or share private information b/c early on I thought that her former partners were the ones who were cruel to her. Of course when she started devaluing me, guess who started posting on FB?

I think I saw something similar to the concern or fear when I invited her to my friend's wedding within the first few months of us dating. She would practically be angry with me for hours every time I'd invite a friend to travel with us, just sulking, almost to the point of just collapsing. We had just started dating and a lot of my friends were going to the wedding. I wanted her to meet them and just hang out. The only thing she told me was "People in relationships talk about things like that" and that she "thought it was just going to be a romantic escape for the two of us." Around the same time she sold her old van for cash and gave her parents the cash without saying anything to me about it. That was a red flag I didn't say anything about. I think it did have a lot to do with a fear of "competition" for intimacy with me, feeling threatened, and also something like extreme social anxiety due to her lack of identity. Having to figure out how to act, dress, worried whether she would look out of place, dumb, ashamed, etc. Looking back I see just how insecure she was. I don't suppose there's anything wrong with that in itself. It's just very difficult to be able to have a relationship with someone who is constantly questioning themselves and seeing practically everything as a threat or an attack. And being so unforgiving of anyone but themselves. There are success stories here, but I don't see her relationships becoming successful without some serious work and self-awareness. Given her history, it's just impossible to say when or if it will ever happen.

I'm pretty much over it now. Though being so close to someone like that takes a while to process and get over. I was pretty naïve about love when I fell in love with her. Now I'm just afraid of being in love though it's getting easier to love, and not to love blindly again.

[Ironmanrises]

My exUBPDgf showed the same type of contradictory behavior.

That is one of the more damaging things that occurs to us.

The reversal in position.

The reversal in words.

In idealize... . She would freak out if I didn't answer texts/calls right away.

No matter how frequently I would speak to her throughout the day.

In devaluation... . It was the exact opposite.

She would take longer and longer to respond.

Responses would get shorter.

If I questioned it, she would call me "insecure".

The constant reversal.

So hurtful.

[asher2]

Findingmyselfagain... . I can relate to your post. After my breakup with my ex, I was amazed how many things my parents told me that were "spot on" regarding our relationship (none of it was positive). Like you, I wanted to believe the love story I thought I was part of and kept thinking to myself, "Yeah but they don't see what I see everyday. They don't know the real her." In reality, the fact they didn't know the "real" her probably allowed them to see things that I was totally blinded by.

I've written in previous threads how my mom once told me, "We (my parents) think she is a nice girl, but we also think she is very emotionally unstable and manipulative." Wow. Looking back, it was spot on (and this was early in the relationship). One time I brought her with me to a party with some of my friends and the topic of a different girl who I had previously dated came up (a friend of mine had recently started working with her). I casually asked how she was doing and told my friend to tell her "hello" from me. I was merely being friendly. Later on, my friend told me he saw my ex's mood totally change when I started talking about her. As you stated in your post, he said it was a look of concern. I had zero interest in the girl I was asking about, but my ex must have thought that I was planning a return to her or something. I'm sure abandonment fears kicked in for her.

Looking back, what did I learn from episodes like these? In future relationships, I am going to take into consideration much more strongly what those closest to me think about the person I am dating. These are people who have my best interest in mind and know the "real" me.

[Aussie0zborn]

In future relationships, I am going to take into consideration much more strongly what those closest to me think about the person I am dating. These are people who have my best interest in mind and know the "real" me.

Great idea.

[blurry]

This post hits home as usual, always the passive/ agressive, push/pull, type thing.

Ironman, every time I'm about to post a thought, you more or less cover what I'm about to say, I swear we must have twin BPDs in our lives, ours must have the exact same BPD traits.

Reminded me of the times where one minute she would be telling me to move out because she needed "space". Then the next id be getting accused of ignoring her and the kids because id be spending some time on the computer, or declining to go to the playground with them. Meanwhile I was simply trying to give her the space she spoke of previously. Talk about walking on eggshells, its gets to where you don't have the slightest idea how you're supposed to behave half the time.

[findingmyselfagain]

Thanks, all, for the posts. I've been out of the r/s for a while, but it still seems like the holidays, my birthday (2 weeks ago), seem to send me into a mild depression just by association. I'm starting to enjoy life again for the first time in a while. It does feel great most of the time. My ex, is more or less just a chapter in my life that I've closed indefinitely. It seems surreal, but I know it's best not to dwell on it but to live life in the moment and push forward and upward. Move in the right direction and you'll get there sooner or later.