Getting off the merry go round - I could use some help.

[yakki]

I have been on the BPD merry go round now for a couple of years and there has been a regular dose of very painful experiences, almost like clockwork. I'm starting to connect that my low self-esteem really set me up to go back time and time again.

I've been keeping notes, a journal of sorts, of all the craziness over the last year and in reading it a few minutes ago, it is always the same stuff again and again and again and again. I am so grateful for finding this site, it has been a Godsend.

On Saturday we had another episode... . I got up, walked in the garage and closed the door right as she started teeing up on me. She started screaming my name and when I opened the door she raged for a couple minutes, got up ran through the house, collected a few things and took off. A few hours later after I didn't respond to some of her zingers, I received a text that says it was all my fault, and she wasn't coming home. Oh, I forgot to mention, it's always my fault, all the time, without question, oh, and I never do enough, give enough, or am enough, according to her. I'm not perfect, but I don't deserve the shaming, blaming, dumping, etc.

What a relief to escape from this abuse. I am going to miss the good half, but I am unwilling to torture myself any longer by staying in this. What a relief to have her leave. It saves me from having to kick her out.

I do need some encouragement to make it through these next two-three weeks especially. Sleeping alone and the quietness in the house right now is uncomfortable.

I truly wish all the best for all those suffering today and wish you peace and blessings on your journey as you move forward from here.

Thank you all... .

[Indalecio]

My dear friend. I too am in your situation. I kicked my exBPD out one month ago tomorrow. Did I want to? Heck no, but I had to stop listening to my heart and use my head for once. You know, I know, and everyone else on this forum knows that separation is for the best.

I too miss her. I miss talking to her while I am at work over the phone, being excited to come home to her, cuddle with her in the bed all night long and so on, but man. It's all a illusion and I finally realized it. I quit doubting my instincts, even though I knew they were right. I wanted to be wrong so badly.

Talk to your friends, talk to us, go for a lot of walks. I mean a lot. Especially at night, just wear yourself out so you won't have time to think when you go to bed. Also, it helped me to cuddle with a pillow initially.

When you feel ready, do this. Think about all the bad things she has said, done, caused. Look back, way back and connect all the deceptive pieces. It'll make you angry, but happy in an odd way (at least it did for me.)

Then sigh and realize you're finally free of all that crap. Box those memories up and hide them.

HOWEVER!

Don't you dare think you screwed up. That this is all your fault. That you're no good as a boyfriend, husband, lover.

Look at how long you were together. That right there's proof enough that you were wonderful at what you did.

Just look forward to the day you can show your compassion with some really, really lucky person that will be amazed at how caring you are. That's where I am and it's only been a month!

[Surnia]

Yakki

So sorry to hear this. Going through these break ups are hard. 

What could help: Doing things you didn't for a while. Seing friends. Exercising. Perhaps rearranging the furniture in your house. Reading here -------> the lessons of deaching on the right side.

[Jbt857]

It's hard. For me actually,by the time he left, it was ok. I was so glad to no longer be in the pressure cooker he created that I literally basked in the peace.

I guess what I don't entirely get from your message is if you are really, truly done and ready to close that chapter. If you are, get a plan. A plan to get rid of all the evidence of her from your home (even if its just packing it into the garage) how you are going to handle the inevitable recycle events, if you want to and are prepared to go NC, how to get closure.

And you need a plan for you. think about how you can reclaim your space and make it your own, how you are going to create a new life for yourself. I joined Meetup and started socialising and making new friends - it really helped a lot to have things to look forward to in my diary.

If you don't exercise already - start. Running is my new passion and gosh, I notice my mood change now, when I don't get to run. It's a challenge, a motivator and heck, I look better for it too.

They say when you move home it takes around 2 months to feel truly at home. I think it's probably the same being single again. Give it time. Make plans. Look forward. Cherish the peace and embrace the gradual letting go of all the stress and drama that accompanies a BPD.