My thoughts.

[Ironmanrises]

My exUBPDgf left me twice.

The first time she did so, I only found out about her disorder at the tail end/after discard.

She came back to me 3 months later.

Begging and crying.

Full of apologies.

"I will never do that to you again."

I let her back into my life.

I do so knowing about her disorder... .

I do so knowing she will leave again in x period of time.

Against my own best interest.

She leaves again.

She leaves the one person who never abandoned her.

Surrounds herself with enabling family/friends and what not... .

People that showed they never had her best interests at heart.

People who showed her that they could possibly abandon her.

Same people who have no idea she has this disorder.

Based on their behavior... . they would not stand by her side if they really knew.

That is the people my exUBPDgf surrounded herself while abandoning me.

Ironic.

Cruel.

Unjust.

What thought processes in her head could have possibly made such a determination?

Simply. She has a mental illness.

When I let her back in, I wasn't trying to save her.

I was trying to simply show another human being, who I knew to be mentally ill, that someone accepts them in spite of that.

Made no difference.

That hurts me beyond words.

My life has been on standstill as I grapple with all these after effects.

For those of you wishing to be re-engaged... .

Don't make that mistake.

A cycle of pain awaits.

You will end up back at 0.

No matter what you do, or say, or show.

None of that will make any difference.

All of my empathy and compassion had no effect on my exUBPDgf.

It was all turned against me at the end.

One of those days where the hurt seems to swirl more then ever.

[Surnia]

Ironmanfalls

Sounds like you have a difficult day again! 

Do you have something to keep you a bit busy through the day?

[Ironmanrises]

Surnia,

My job is about only thing that keeps me busy.

My artwork has come to a complete standstill.

I have pretty much shut everyone else out.

I have no desire to have anyone near me.

[Surnia]

Ironmanfalls

This sounds so hopeless! 

Is there any chance you start your artwork again?

What about a animal compagnon?

Doing long walk with music?

Making sudokus?

When you have not enough to focus on in the present the past is taking over... .

[Ironmanrises]

My artwork... . i dont know.

Pencils dont feel right in my hand.

No pets.

I do long walks with music... . i tend to ruminate though.

This forum has been helping me though.

It helped me the first time(i lurked on here during that time).

The damage inflicted on me this time... . more widespread.

I know i have to accept this.

[Surnia]

We really care about you, Ironmanfalls. 

Good to hear about the board helping you.

Acceptance is a very good step. 

Do you find some time to look at the mood gym site?

[Ironmanrises]

Yes, i have.

I will dedicate some time to it.

Thank you again.

I really appreciate that.