I broke NC.. Wrote this email

[Learning_curve74]

It's hard to think of all the good times and the intimacy we shared leading to this... . I'm just hurt and numb right now. Idk what to think or do.

I still hope she realizes things... . I mean I didn't do anything really... . Did I? Maybe I wasn't this grand Bf that I think I was.

You're hurting, Relentless. Here is a hug for you. 

If it's any consolation, I think you were most likely a very caring and loving person who tried your best to love and care for somebody with a serious mental illness. That is the truth of many of us here. The other truth is that she is "crazy", a not so nice term for the mentally ill but maybe it drives the point home? To you 2+2=4, but to her 2+2=a duck smoking cigars or whatever she feels it is at that moment in time.

The way your ex processes thoughts and feelings and reacts to them is dysfunctional. Whatever she feels at the time is fact to her. So when she feels angry at you, whatever you did for her over the last 14 years has no bearing because she also processes everything in black and white terms. If she was to realize that she hurt you, then she would also feel intense shame, and to avoid that, she cannot accept it and places all the blame on you. Can you remember back to any times where what she said was totally opposite of the facts? That was part of her maladaptive coping strategies.

I agree with what recoil wrote. It's not you. The only thing that is you is why you stayed with her so long. When you figure this out and come to accept it, that is probably when you will feel healed. I know I myself am not fully there yet, but it feels like a journey worth undertaking.

[eyvindr]

To you 2+2=4, but to her 2+2=a duck smoking cigars or whatever she feels it is at that moment in time.

The way your ex processes thoughts and feelings and reacts to them is dysfunctional. Whatever she feels at the time is fact to her.

A new classic, right there.

[Relentless]

Oh ya. Plenty if times she said things that didn't match up. Or she would change the things I said. One night she was cursing me out, and I said, "If you can't respect me, you should leave." She remembers me yelling at her to "get out". She's convinced, and that wasn't the only time she remembered something different than it was. It was super rare if ever she fully took blame. Once it twice, but it was through some warped rationale.

There are plenty of reasons for me to have left... . But I stayed because I loved her and she said she would get better.

I still in the back of my head hope she gets help and looks back and realizes that she abused the crap out of me and that I stood by her and met all her wants/needs more than most would (because my dad died weeks before we started dating... . And I think that played a huge role in it all for me putting up with everything).

Thanks learning and everyone. Anyone ever have worse happen or similar only to have them try to come back One day? I'm actually hoping she does not try to... . Because I worry I would give her a chance down the road... .

Idk. Time for me now... .

Thanks. I'm sorry for all experiencing this pain. I wish I wouldn't have broken NC. They all hate me now, who knows what she told her dad. I miss the good times... . And I worry I won't find another that I truly love kissing like I did her.

[GreenMango]

Relentless I remember plenty of those mixed up reactions to conversations.  Yelling when you weren't, things said that werent, etc.

This is part of the disorder.  It cam throw you for a loop.

Which way from here since you sent the closure email?

[Conundrum]

Relentless--Within the eye of the hurricane all appears calm, yet the swirling storm engulfs any static position lying in its track. As nons, despite empirical evidence of collateral damage, we chase that eye. We assume the risk--for desire.

All things change. All things are in motion. All relationships are transitory. Some are more transitory than others.

It is a relational disorder, in which the circuitry to accept responsibility for byzantine behavior is maladapted. The ties that bind, unwind, uncoil, and become serpentine. The once loving Dove, now appears reptilian, and strikes. In a moment, all has changed. In-the-blink-of-an-eye. When relational ties become so disjointed and the individual segments in the relational chain exist in an incoherent state, emptiness sets in. To be alien. To feel alien. Followed by all consuming need.

To question why is all-together natural, but the non is rarely culpable to a any significant degree. We choose to linger, or leave, that is the extent of our input. Those are our individual choices.

To say that that those truly diagnosed, left untreated, are not in pain--is a fallacy. For we know, that we would not wish this disorder on any of our loved ones. As it stands, we have all become too well acquainted with suffering. Ripples in the pond.

When the circuitry that controls meaningful relational bonds, are substantially impaired, shame sets in. Desperate need drives the disordered engine, and unhealthy coping tools are not perceived as choices, but as compulsions. Those compulsions beget shame. What we perceive as their volitional choices, are the instruments of our suffering. And so which came first the chicken or the egg?

To question, their needs vs. our needs, is to imply that we know their needs. We can only know ourselves. The closer one gets to truly peering inside their Pandora's box of needs, the more apparent it becomes that these extremely eccentric and bizarre souls were never intended to be possessed by others. I know that hurts. That is why we are here. In certain contexts acceptance is a wonderful word. It has a broad application, in these matters. It allows our suffering to diminish, because it ultimately tempers desire.

Go easy on yourself. Let things be.     

         

[eyvindr]

Bravo, Conundrum! Very eloquent post, and quite insightful.

[Suzn]

They all hate me now, who knows what she told her dad.

Omgoodness I use to tell myself this exact same thing. You know what I figured out? That her parents know there's an issue they just don't understand it, or know that it's serious, at least in my case. without question time has a way of revealing truths, it is ever moving. Shut that negative voice that's telling you these things down, it's lying to you.

What I also figured out, and this is important, while we were on again, off again, whenever my ex was upset with me and her parents got involved... it wasn't because they were angry with me, though it sounded that way, instead they were upset because they didn't know how to handle her out of control emotional outbursts about me. There is a difference. Bottom line they wanted me to rescue them, if things were ok between us, she was fine and they could continue to bury their heads in the sand.

[Relentless]

Thanks so much to everyone. I'm still struggling a bit... . Thinking of the first time we did things... . And how much fun we had when it was good. The few times she did something for me... .

I'm doing well. I know I treated her amazingly well.

I just hope she doesn't try to come back after I moved on and attempt to ruin something good in the future. She probably won't, but then again I was sure she would never do this let alone break up with me and cut me out indefinitely.

Her dad texted me STOP CONTACTING US... . I am done and won't even try. It was so hard to read, because I have only good intentions and mean only to help.

This thread has helped immensely... Why do I still want her to come back one day? It's crazy after realizing how hitty she treated me.

[Suzn]

I'm sorry Relentlesss, I understand how hard that was to read. The fact her dad contacted you further shows she is not an adult handling her own affairs, on her own. Ok not an affair, you know what I mean. You did not contact "us", you contacted your ex. You are an adult and unless there was some sort of no contact order you didn't break the law.

[eyvindr]

Why do I still want her to come back one day? It's crazy after realizing how ty she treated me.

Struggling here, too, Relentless. It's our thing, for awhile. As a daughter of a friend of mine recently said, "We're all just riding the struggle bus!"

You want her to come back because you loved her. There's a vast chasm between the woman you fell in love with, and the BPD alter-ego, if that's even fair to say. You love the woman. But she doesn't come without the BPD, unfortunately.

The light at the end of the tunnel is that there are lots of women who don't have BPD. Might take awhile to find one, but that gives us the meantime to work on ourselves, because we can all improve.

Hang in there. Keep posting.

[peas]

There's a vast chasm between the woman you fell in love with, and the BPD alter-ego, if that's even fair to say. You love the woman.

Are you saying he fell in love with the good facet of his pwBPD? I think we fall in love with the whole package. I somehow loved and became deeply attached to both the good aspects and the flawed behavior of my uBPDex bf. Maybe his complexities were more interesting to me. Exhausting, yes, but I think they brought me closer to him because I saw how vulnerable he is.

[eyvindr]

Are you saying he fell in love with the good facet of his pwBPD? I think we fall in love with the whole package. I somehow loved and became deeply attached to both the good aspects and the flawed behavior of my uBPDex bf. Maybe his complexities were more interesting to me. Exhausting, yes, but I think they brought me closer to him because I saw how vulnerable he is.

I agree with you, peas. In fact, I used to pretty regularly tell my ex, "At least you're never boring!" I always thought she was fascinating. My problem became that, as more and more of the dark side of BPD encroached on our day-to-day existence, it wore me out. I don't find misery fascinating -- I find it exhausting, as you say.

But she kept reassuring me that, if I would just keep loving her, she would get better. And then she'd dysregulate, because no matter how steady I was, in her mind, I wasn't providing enough love or validation. Which, to her, translated into me withholding the love and validation that she felt she deserved. And, once she was dysregulated -- which happened fast -- no amount of validation was enough -- she rejected it all outright and demanded apologies for my failures and new guarantees that I would somehow never do anything that would lead her to worry again. Madness.   

[Relentless]

Thanks again everyone. I unfortunately had a nice dream last night where her and I were together. Sucked to wake up and have a smile on my face. Though much better now than a few weeks ago.

Who knows what the future holds... . I know I'm going to work on me. I feel like if pwBPD mirror us... . And we love being around them... . Then maybe that just shows us we are awesome and we should love ourselves the way we felt loved by them at their best.

Hope everyone is well.

[seeking balance]

Then maybe that just shows us we are awesome and we should love ourselves the way we felt loved by them at their best.

Very insightful Relentless 

[Johan]

It's hard to think of all the good times and the intimacy we shared leading to this... . I'm just hurt and numb right now. Idk what to think or do.

I still hope she realizes things... . I mean I didn't do anything really... . Did I? Maybe I wasn't this grand Bf that I think I was.

To you 2+2=4, but to her 2+2=a duck smoking cigars or whatever she feels it is at that moment in time.

I read Relentless O.P and it is exactly what I want to say as I read it. And then i read the above 2+2 quote and the tears forming in my eyes just stopped because of this quote. Thank you.

[Learning_curve74]

Who knows what the future holds... . I know I'm going to work on me. I feel like if pwBPD mirror us... . And we love being around them... . Then maybe that just shows us we are awesome and we should love ourselves the way we felt loved by them at their best.

Awesome! Great insight, Relentless, and thank you for pointing that out! 

[Learning_curve74]

It's hard to think of all the good times and the intimacy we shared leading to this... . I'm just hurt and numb right now. Idk what to think or do.

I still hope she realizes things... . I mean I didn't do anything really... . Did I? Maybe I wasn't this grand Bf that I think I was.

To you 2+2=4, but to her 2+2=a duck smoking cigars or whatever she feels it is at that moment in time.

I read Relentless O.P and it is exactly what I want to say as I read it. And then i read the above 2+2 quote and the tears forming in my eyes just stopped because of this quote. Thank you.

Hello Johan, thank you for the kind words. 

It's okay to cry when you feel like it, and it's okay not to cry when you don't feel like it. It's always okay to be you because who else is cut out for the job, eh? Best wishes to you!