My Story

[tink22]

Hi everyone. First off let me just say that this board has been a lifesaver for me over the past couple of years, especially through the midst of my break up with my BPD ex. The support and advice from everyone here is just brilliant and it was definitely a key component to my healing. This is my first post despite surfing through these forums as a 'guest' for the past year and a half, however  I finally feel that I am now ready to talk about my experiences with my BPD ex and how I have learnt to heal and to finally move on. I hope it can help you too

I am 22 years old and I met my ex BPD boyfriend when we were both 18 back in 2010. At that period of my life I was just starting university and optimistic about my future. I was content on being on my own and a boyfriend was not really high on my priorities until I met him. I met him at the local pub when out with the girls one saturday night. Instantly my eyes were drawn to him. I just remember this captivating smile and laugh he had and this 'larger than life' presence and magnetic personality. People were drawn to him like a magnet. It was this air of confidence that he seemed to have that drew me toward him and by the end of the night he had asked me for my number. Well, a couple of months past with us keeping in touch every now and then but contact became less frequent. There was a period where about 3 months had passed with no word from him and so I decided "his loss, I might as well move on too". One day I received a text message from him out of the blue saying that he had changed numbers and that he was sorry and wanted to see me. We met at his place and I guess thats where I can say the 'rollercoaster ride' began.

He relayed to me mournful stories, how his dog just died, how his parents are fighting, how he'd been diagnosed with depression, and how he 'ran away from home' and was living in his car for that three months I didn't hear from him, how his past girlfriends were all "crazy" and that every girlfriend he had has "cheated" on him. And, the 'hero-complex' within me fell for his pity parade and wanted to do my best to help him and to 'save' him. He told me that night that I came to him like an "angel" and that he can see himself being with me forever. Our second date he told me he "loved" me. and the following 6 months I was flying high on cloud 9. He was the perfect boyfriend. I felt as if I had known him forever. The connection I had with him was like no other. I became obsessed with him and he with me. We were joint at the hip. Not only lovers, but best friends. It was apparent to me however that we had made our own little cocoon and my life was beginning to revolve around him and only him. My dedication to my studies had dropped and I saw my family less and less, finding excuses not to see my friends. I just wanted to be with him. It was a happy and safe little world we created, and I guess at the back of my mind I knew that it wasnt right, it wasnt normal. He began to become distant. I found out he had been dealing and smoking the drug 'ice'. There were nights where he'd leave to get "cigarettes from the shop" and didnt return until the next morning all high and drawn out. The episodes became more frequent. He'd pummel into deep periods of depression and would shut everyone out. The drug taking got so bad that he was experiencing hallucinations and at one point was convinced that 'the devil' was in his room trying to kill him. His family took out an intervention, he was forced to go to therapy and that was when he was diagnosed with borderline.

The once loving, dedicated boyfriend who would do anything for me would often lash out at me and belittle me, and made me feel worthless. Then the next day it was like he forgot what had happened and was convinced I was the 'crazy one' for assuming that. There were long periods of 'good times' and short periods of 'bad times', and eventually the bad times began to outweigh the good. Another 6 months and again he experienced a bad period of depression, worse than before. I was at his house when his mum asked him if he could help her move something and he went psychotic, throwing furniture, smashing his TV screen and punched a hole in his wall. The transformation was indescribable... it was as if he had turned into a monster. The anger and unfeeling in his eyes I can still picture. He moved in with me and my family "just for a couple of days to sort his head out" days turned into 3 months. He painted his family and friends blackest black. Blaming everyone else for his problems. One night he turned up at my door high on drugs and manic. He said he wanted to kill himself and he told me had had swallowed two packets of painkillers and tried to run his car off the road. I called the hospital but as soon as I had them on the line he came in and slammed the phone down and screamed at me calling me a "c**nt, and a stupid worthless Bhit". All night I didn't sleep because I was scared he was going to die on me. the next morning he said "well thanks for that... " and left. I then found out he had been talking to and seeing another girl behind my back and when i confronted him he said I was crazy and  controlling and that "we are on a break anyway" (!).

It was a few weeks later he admitted to me he "felt dead inside" and that he didnt want to be alive. His therapist said he was the worst case she had ever seen and that the borderline combined with his drug use and his refusal to seek treatment meant that he will never change. Eventually he turned around and was beginning to be his old self. He was taking medication for his mood swings and depression and was "off the drugs". But that was short lived. I found his medication in his bin and once again the monster declared that he doesnt need help from anyone. He was on drug benders where at one stage he hadn't slept for 6 days. He couldnt hold a job for more than 5 months at a time. The once bubbly, loving guy I knew who loved his family and friends, who loved to work and prided himself on never missing a days work began committing petty crimes and stealing wads of money from his mums purse and spent it all on drugs and gambling. He couldnt sustain any real friendship/relationship with anyone, not even his family. His closest friends claimed they couldnt deal with his erratic behaviour. He resorted to self harm. He attempted suicide at least 3 more times. One night I had his friend call me to tell me he found him passed out in his car in a parking lot. And yet i couldn't pull myself away. This whole cycle was repeated for another 2 more years. When finally, the lifeless shell of who he used to be told me "I dont love you anymore." I knew he would come back though like he had always done in the past. and sure enough the following week he told me he "cant live without me" . Then I found out about the girl he had secretly been seeing. That period of my life is a bit of a blur because I have tried so hard to block it out from my memory. I remember 3-6 months of him bouncing between "I love you I want you back" to "I hate you dont ever contact me again". Eventually I went NC but he would text me and call me around the clock begging me to give him another chance. One day he even called me to say that he and the girl he had cheated on me with were fighting and that he wanted to buy her flowers but "no one would ever love me and care for me as much as you did". It was then that I decided to get a new phone, a new number and never contact him again. That was August last year and I havent broken my promise since.

I have left out so many things, but a lot of which you have probably experienced or are experiencing right now. It has been one year since I last saw him or contacted him. It has been the hardest year of my life. The first month I was crazy depressed, not getting out of bed until well into the afternoon, sometimes not at all.  Within that time I had 3 deaths in my family and I felt my world had turned upside down. But I am here now, and I am healed. It was a hard and long process. I wouldnt wish it upon my worst enemy. To those of you dealing with the same horrible pain of leaving your BPD ex please know that it does and will get better, You are not alone. I highly recommended reaching out to your friends and family and to this board to help you along. What really helped me was the knowledge that it is not us. it is them and all them. They are sick. There is nothing you can do. The only thing you can do is to keep loving yourself. You are more important. Your sanity is more important. I found exercise and going to the gym helped me a lot, not only did it keep me healthy but it made me feel in control- something I hadnt felt in a long long time. Keep busy. Take up a new hobby. Keep educated on BPD and read up about the disorder. And I cannot stress this enough but please please take up no contact and delete their numbers, block them from your social networking sites, change your number/email/locks. etc. Otherwise, as I had happen to me, it is not unusual for your BPD ex to elicit 'stalker' behaviour. I had mine drive by my house countless times and set up fake profiles on facebook to try and get in touch with me. I know it is SO hard to do but you HAVE to. It is absolutely necessary if you want to heal. I still encounter dreams or 'nightmares' about him every now and then. But they are becoming less frequent. There are periods where I feel sadness and where I miss him but again, this is only normal and thankfully manageable.

I'm sorry for the long post, like I said there are plenty of other things I have left out but if you have any questions or want some advice or anything please give me a message We are not alone in this. 

[Ironmanrises]

Tink,

What an awful thing you have experienced.

I am so sorry.

The stalkish behavior you described... . My exUBPDgf exhibited same behavior when she left me first time.

NC is only way.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi tink22

Thanks for your enlightening post, and so sorry to hear of your painful experience, seeing you have come through all that pain and are on the other side of it, gives me much hope, and I am sure many others here.

I am struggling at the moment with mild depression, (just making it at work, but low motivation to carry on with things I need to take care of around the home and vehicles and otherwise).

I have moments of despairing the unrequited love, the promises, the dreams, and then the anger and pain too. Constantly thinking about him, (mostly those fears that they will be greater without you and flourishing with someone else, you know, that voice BP wanted you to believe, that it is indeed your fault!)

Your ex sounds identical to mine, except that mine is almost 46, (and I 45!), sleeping in his car and homeless, and all the other stuff you say too, (uncanny likeness!).

Funny what you mention about his drug use, and what he wasn't like when he was on it. I hear your sadness about what the drugs have done to him, quite apart from his disorder.

I have long wondered if my ex had a secret Meth habit, given his extensive knowledge about the stuff, including all the current methods of 'using', (light globes etc for smoking/inhaling). Then his constant obsession and talking about who is 'on it', and the endless character defamations of those he suspects, (including my family! and a certain member of his own). That same family member, (his older brother) recently reported back to their Mother that he had caught up with BP in his car one day, and they had a takeaway coffee together. He said he noticed something in BP's car that told him he was on drugs, (and not pot by the way).

The Mother had told me this one day, when I expressed worry about BP's obsession with the stuff, stories about all the people lost to it, his old friends who killed themselves etc, and I was also expressing concern with the rapid burn rate he goes through with his money, (despite living at his parents, and paying not a cent towards that, as he had done off and on for the past 13 years).

He also lived at mine for the first two years, for nothing.

His Mother agreed that it was wise not to give him money at all, and made out that she never does, but then she turns around and pays his car registration for him twice, (total $500 loan) and he has never paid that back, nor did he pay it the first time she gave him the money. She also buys him stuff all the time, feeds him, and never asks for a cent either, yet then complains behind his back about how BP gets more money per week than she does on her pension, and yet he still runs out every week, without having to pay for groceries or normal living costs like others do on a low income like his/theirs.

I must mention, that the unemployment payment is not the only money he gets, every week he makes a lot extra, (without declaring that like others have to who might work part-time).

I think you might get my drift here, basically for someone who only has his own frivolity/habits/expenses to pay for, he still burns through cash really fast, and shows all the signs of both being BP and on substances.

He is very skinny, doesn't sleep for several nights regularly, doesn't eat, and is totally aggressive a lot of the time. The language you described? Well, that is my ex at least 4 days every week. He gets his unemployment payment late on Monday nights, (after midnight) and gets up, (after sleeping from 8 pm-12) and goes off driving around in his car, drinking McDonalds coffees, and who knows really?

He is relatively OK for a few days, Tuesday early mornings until Fridays, (but often 'disappears overnight sleeping in his car again and not answering his phone) and then mostly from Friday-Monday, he is horror to be around. Nasty, spiteful, lacking any empathy, rude, arrogant, selfish, abusive, narcissistic, and the rest.

He often refers to how skinny he has got, (and his most common explanation is that he looks like a burnt out old drug addict!). Or he likes to play the Drama Queen, and say how his parents are total Nazi's, starving him, and abusing him and being nasty to him.

I don't buy his lies, since I lived with him, and I saw how he acted here, was also aware of the lies he was telling his parents about living here. They once asked me that they hoped I wasn't believing the horrible things their son was telling me about them, and I said No of course not, that I was fully aware of his disorder and the smear campaigns they launch about everyone around them, but also hoped that they could see he was doing the very same things about me to them.

In their cases, it was harder again, since he is their son, and they naturally would take his side, but a lot of the time, if his hostility isn't directed towards them, they forget how he is with them, and tend not to believe it.

Well, tink22, I fear I must stop posting, before I get carried away again.

Looks like I have said plenty already, thanks again for giving me and all here such hope...

I am glad you are on the other side of a huge ordeal... (in the sunshine again!)

[Learning_curve74]

Hi tink, just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. That sounds like a tough relationship you had with your exbf, but you got through it all. At the age of 22, you sound like a very mature and sharp young lady! Best wishes to you.

[tink22]

Thank you for your responses guys I love having people here who know exactly what you're going through -- we are all in the same boat. Rollercoaster2, your situation is shockingly similar to mine and I feel for you very very much. It is the worst thing in the world, seeing somebody you love almost willingly destroy every good thing in their life and then having the "balls" to look you in the eye and say "its all your fault!" . The drug use completely destroys all minimal possibility for them to recover and unfortunately it is a common co-occurring symptom that a lot of BPDs have. I also relate to your situation with the family members of the BPD.It is extremely hard when they enable their behaviour purely out of fear of losing them... I agree totally with what you said about how his parents acted toward the situation. Its a tough position to be in. it is easy to see how they can continue helping him and being there for him because as you said, hes their son, but at the same time it is horribly detrimental to the BPDs recovery because it kind of gives them a green light to continue doing what theyve been doing at the expense of everyone else. I read somewhere on this board that BPDs are like grown toddlers and i couldnt agree more. I too lent my BPD ex over $1000 over the couple of years we were together and always got told he'd "pay me back" and guess what? he never did even though he had a full time job and i was working casually to support myself through uni. Its funny that you say he lived with you for those years for nothing. the few months my BPD ex stayed at my parents house with myself he didnt even buy them a thank you gift! Rollercoaster2, you will get through this. It is hands down going to be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do but when you reach the end of that dark and twisted tunnel you will be amazed at how damn good life is on the other side. It is also important, as Ive read on previous posts, to pinpoint exactly why and what drew you to the BPD in the first place? and what do you think this says about you and your own insecurities? I am still trying to answer that question myself. I do believe I am naturally a 'helper' having grown up with parents who would let even a homeless person in for a meal and somewhere to stay. I am also an introvert and am naturally drawn to the 'showy', loud, and confident individuals. I was searching for and making up for what I lacked in myself in that of my BPD ex. Rollercoaster2, keep reading on BPD, keep talking to those of us on the board, and keep putting yourself first. It is so easy to put yourself on the backburner while dealing with all these things, especially a crazy partner! so it is very very important to do things that make you feel good and worthy as a person again. Bpd's are like a man overboard struggling to keep their head above water, and you being the caring and empathetic person you are throws them a life float only to have them burst it in their panic. Theres nothing you can do to save someone from themselves. Its hard to stand there to watch someone slowly drown and know that theres nothing you can do, but who is more important in this situation? your BPD partner or you? Rollercoaster2, its YOU. and i have absolute faith that you are going to make it and it will be hard, there will be thousands of set backs, countless tears, but one day you are going to reach that light and you too will be in the sunshine again It is a hard road, like climbing Everest. but once you make it to the top the feeling of strength, relief, and sheer belief in yourself overshadows every painful step you climbed during all those torturous years. All my love, wishes and support xo

[Jbt857]

Wow, Rollercoaster and Tink, bar a few quirks, we could have all been married to/in relationships with the same guy.

I'm not sure if I find that comforting or disturbing, but im glad you both shared your stories.

Can I ask? How far forward are you both in separating/moving on?

[ScotisGone74]

Thank you for sharing your story and insight.   What did you learn about yourself in the past year?   

[rollercoaster24]

Hi Tink22

Thanks so much for your reply, when I post in response to what other members have started, I always go overboard, and just write and write. I never want the person to feel like their thread isn't about them in the first place, just sharing the details of your own story, (especially if the BP's behaviour/circumstances are similar) seems to make it easier to identify with. So sorry that you went through this too.

I am very glad to see that you have come through your painful ordeal and are out the other side, such an inspiration to the rest of us! Big hug to you

Hi Jbt857

Thanks for asking, and sorry to hear you went through the same dynamics in your own situation. Here's hoping the grieving process gets a little easier each day for you too.

I still pine for the fantasy/hope, (that kept me there the whole time!), in that he was who he said he was, and he would seek help for his problems like he often said he would in the first two years. That he would come to me, tell me he really loved me again, hug me, and commit to our relationship working properly by working on the things he needed to do for himself.

But I then have to remind myself that he was also more this other man, nasty, violent, cold, unloving, overly flirty and sexually obsessed, untrustworthy, likely unfaithful, dishonest, scheming, manipulative, and dangerous. Like a troubled child come teenager in a 45 year old man's body.

ExuBP is the one that dumped me in a flurry of verbal abuse, and I haven't heard from him since, apart from the things I mentioned above. I don't suspect I will hear from him, as he likely had someone else way before he dumped me for the very last time. I won't rule out hearing from him again some day in the future though, as he is cocky enough, to think I will let him back into my life even if a year or so passes by of him ignoring me.

He once said he knew he could a long time ago! Well, I intend to prove him wrong!

I am sustaining the NC, realising that sending an email or text would be a waste of my time, and only serve to satisy his need to punish me more by continuing to ignore me for now, the classic silent treatment, another form of abuse.

I am moving on with my life, exercising, my work has improved, (have my own cleaning business), I have some friends, family around me, interests and hobbies, and life will improve to the point where I barely think of him at all. This might take time, but I know it will happen eventually. I will keep working on myself, improving myself, and my own self-esteem, so I am never attracted to someone like him ever again.

It's been about six weeks since he dumped me, but sent a newspaper clipping on the 8/9, few hang up calls since then, but NC other than that, on both parts. During June and July, I only saw him twice anyway, and both times he was again severely dysregulated, and physically and verbally abusive to me. Lucky to have escaped with my life and property intact during July, but in June I wasn't that lucky. He smashed my phone, other property, and physically attacked me, threatening my life also. I had to crawl off in the middle of the night, to phone the police from a neighbours house.

I have many stories of horror from that relationship, which outnumbered his loving supportive times. But like others here, I still crave the validation of his love!

Each time I find myself pining it, I remind myself of what it would be like to have him phoning me again, and back in my life as he always was, which I don't want. I feel like 10 years of age has dropped off me, now all I have to do is work on giving up smoking eventually, and losing 10-15kg! The weight thing is a battle, as I put on about 10 kg during the time I was with BP, being menopausal and craving sweet stuff/carbs isn't helping.

But we can only try!

Thanks for your interest, let us know how you are doing for yourself! Which things have improved for you, what things you want to improve, how you are feeling, how is your health etc.

Regards

Roller

[tink22]

Hi scotisgone74, I think the biggest thing I learned about myself in the past year since leaving exBPDbf was that a large part of me was basing my self worth on the validation of others and that it was not healthy. I realized that I let myself end up in an abusive relationship because in one way or another I probably craved the drama. being an introverted person who likes routine and living within my comfort zone I found this partner to be an escape to a more exciting life - one that I didnt agree with deep down - but one that I found that in some weird way made me feel more special and exciting and interesting to others. However most importantly i have learned that I am stronger than I think and that despite the trauma I experienced during and post relationship I found that self belief inside me again. Ive learned that my own happiness and self worth is more important than any thing, i found that its the simple things in life that are worth treasuring; going for a walk along the river, smelling the flowers, being greeted by your neighbour by a friendly hello, laughing with family and friends, finding the humour in otherwise bad situations, focusing on my own feelings and ambitions. So many of these things I neglected while investing every part of me in a dead end relationship. A month after the break up I had my favourite uncle pass away of a heart attack and then the following month my beloved pet dog passed away. i think it was then and there that I realized life is too short and too precious to dwell on the would ofs should ofs could ofs. Its meant to be for living and to enjoy every single moment and to take hold of every opportunity that comes your way. I learned to just "let it be". Everything happens for a reason.

Jbt857; my thoughts are with you, and thank you for your question. I am 1 and a half years out of the relationship going on 1 year of NC. Today I finally feel like the person i was before i entered the relationship. i am happy, I am healthy, i go to the gym every day because it helps me to clear my head and makes me feel in control and confident again, Ive taken up running. i enjoy the simple things in life now. Everyday I look out my window and thank god for being alive, healthy, and surrounded by a supportive and loving circle of friends and family. I dont think about my ex anymore, its like my mind just shuts off or loses interest whenever i feel a thought or memory of him enter it! there are times where I do still think of him, particularly when faced with a "trigger" of a memory or a smell that reminded me of him-silly little things. but I no longer feel sadness when i do think of him. i feel utter relief. I feel free. I feel sorry for him and I feel so lucky that I no longer have that drama. I can live worry-free and its the best feeling in the world. In the months after the breakup I learnt to consciously shut my mind off whenever i felt a thought of him enter my mind and now I dont have to mentally do it anymore it just happens. i never ever thought Id get to this point. I found that Ive become so much more confident in myself. So empowered! the first 2-6 months were the hardest. A lot of tears, a lot of feelings of emptiness, but it is so so true that "time heals all wounds" I still have the scars, but the wounds have healed. Today I saw my exBPDbf for the first time in over a year. He was opposite me at the lights. I drove past him without any feeling. he was like a stranger. The memories have become so far detached that I just felt nothing. I never thought that the person I loved more than life itself, the person I spent countless nights and days crying over, the person I sacrificed everything for, the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the person who was my best friend, would end up meaning nothing to me one day. He was just someone I used to know.Today was a great day.

[Jbt857]

Gosh, Tink, that's truly inspirational. Well done for getting to where you are at, and well done for getting to a place where seeing him didn't elicit a reaction - hopefully I'll be there one day.

I wish I'd been as wise as you at that age!

[heartandwhole]

tink22,

Your story is very inspirational, thank you so much for sharing.  It's wonderful to hear about triumphs on the boards, especially the Leaving board, because a lot of our experiences are so difficult and painful.  We need to hear about the good stuff, too. 

I commend you on looking at yourself and making your wants and needs a priority.  You are a very wise 22 year-old.

I am also 1.5 years out of my relationship, and the way I feel today compared to a year ago is like night and day.  Things really do get better, as you said.  It takes hard work, but it's definitely worth it.  I feel like I have myself back, maybe even a "better" self than before?

I'm very glad that you decided to become a member, I hope you'll keep posting and sharing your insights. 

heart