confused

[tayma]

Hi, i'm a new member and have introduced myself in L1 - New member, few weeks ago.

I've been married for 3 years and together for 4 years before marrying.

We lived abroad (together) for more than 5 years, then decided to settle down in my home country (my husband is latin-american, and i'm European) with the intent of starting a family.

The settlement has been hard on both of us, but on me particularly.

I had trouble to accept the quite close-minded mentality of "my" people, which was actually the main reason why I expatriate 12 years ago. Anyway, I felt depressed and anxious at work and in private life too.

I have always knew i had huge lack of self-esteem and that I am a quite insecure person, adding to that in the past I had a very damaging relationship with a disturbed man and never took care of the traumas it generated. So i decided to seek help and started psychotherapy. It helped and is still helping me A LOT.

Few months ago, my husband decided he wanted to get into therapy as well.

I was proud and glad. He's always been quite self-centered, and had different behaviors i couldn't understand. His therapist said he has some BP traits. He denies having any kind of disorder, but at least keeps going to therapy - for me, he says.

From that day many things happened in our life, and after our last argument we decided was better to separate.

We talked a lot, i told him everything i was holding for years (not with rage, just to let him know), we communicate in a nice-adult way, which never happened before.

I also told him that I am in a stage of my life where i need to be a bit selfish and take care of my needs, and i don't have energy enough to support him as i should during his healing process. He understood and agreed. 

Now, since the day we talked, i feel quite passive.

I didn't feel like reading any article or book about BP anymore... I honestly have no energy left and i am not sure i want to invest it in saving my marriage.

Actually he's giving me many attention, and tries to please me in everything - but it annoys me cause i feel is being "fake".

Yesterday he told me he had suicidal thoughts last weekend (we spend Saturday in different places) but to avoid hurting me he didn't suicide. I wasn't scared, I don't believe him... is almost like I don't care. Should I worry?

I am very very confused. In my last therapy session we did work on clearing and understanding my feelings for him... -work still in progress, of course. But I think i do not love him anymore.

I am not sure what should i do, how to tell him without breaking him? And what if i was wrong and I just feel overwhelmed by all?

I truly do not want to hurt him or interfere with his therapy and progress, but I think I am

[briefcase]

In general, expressions of suicidal ideations should be taken seriously and he should be encouraged to talk to his therapist about those feelings.  In an emergency, if you feel he is in imminent danger of hurting himself, you can always call emergency services in your country.  Ultimately, you are not responsible for his actions though. 

Have you had a chance to work through the Choosing a Path links on the right side of the screen.  The workshops there are intended to help you get a grasp on whether you want to stay or leave.  It should be helpful to you.

[tayma]

 Thank you.

So... it is serious? I kind of... . thought ... was just exaggerating...

Until now he never showed signs of self harm or suicidal ideation.


No, I just read some stuff but not very carefully.  I will read for sure in the following days.

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, please read it. The information here is priceless and will help you get a grasp of what you're dealing with so that you can decide whats best for you.

The "fake" attention you describe is not unusual. After recycling, my exBPD wife was so fake it made me sick. Once she realised I wasnt buying the fake persona, the devaluation started and it got ugly.

Take the time to read the resources here and help yourself first.

[tayma]

Yes I will, really.

I know i should help myself first.