To leave them alone, or try to talk to them?

[lostandunsure]

Last night, I ran into an issue where my dBPDw dysregulated due to a not being able to sign up for a class that she was looking forward to because she waited too long and it filled up. She had put a lot of emotional weight on the class because she saw it as a chance to do something for herself (it would have involved some travel alone and it really would have been a confidence booster for her).

I tried SET and validating her feelings that it is very disappointing to have lost the opportunity, but she remained dysregulated. I could tell that she was trying very hard to to come up with a way to blame me for missing out on the class and I appreciated it, but I got the impression that if I stayed much longer, it would have been a big argument. As it was past time for me to go to bed, and she didn't seem to want to continue to talk about it, I got ready for bed. After a little bit she got up from the living room where she was, and went into the office and slammed the door. After about 30 minutes or so, I started to worry that she was self harming and got up to check on her.

At first she didn't want to talk and she did blame me a little for it, but that died off pretty quick... . Eventually, she calmed to the point that I didn't worry about her hurting herself... . And I was able to go back to bed, she did end up staying up pretty much the rest of the night cruising the internet (I must admit though she did find some interesting articles on BPD and DBT, so it wasn't an entire loss).

My question is, should I have gotten up and talked with her? Should I have let her deal with her emotions herself? I think I did the right thing and she was able to calm down. Maybe she would have calmed down on her own or maybe not. I worry that by going to her again, so late at night that I'm reinforcing the behavior that if she waits long enough that I'll eventually come and comfort her. Is there a way to know where the line is? I mean I know that there are times when I'm upset that I need a bit of a cool down period and then I want to talk and I'd like to think that's what happened here, but with the information overload I'm under I'm just not sure and am trying to make sure that I'm not making things worse... .

Anyone have any thoughts?

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[Wrongturn1]

Well I'm not going to "should" anyone b/c that's a word I'm learning to remove from my vocabulary these days. 

A lot of the dysfunction in BPD relationships is caused by us nons assuming the role of the emotional caretaker.  The consensus around here is generally that it benefits the person with BPD to learn to deal with their emotions on their own, which means we nons are not obligated to go check on them when we suspect they are dysregulated b/c it is their responsibility to learn to regulate themselves.  My opinion: this still applies when we suspect that our BPDs might engage in self-harm if we do not show up to soothe them.  Preventing self-harm is not our responsibility (granted, self-harm can be very disturbing to the non in the relationship, but again, we cannot take responsibility for it).

My advice to nons whose BPD partners stay awake all night dysregulating over something: get some sleep.    I've started doing this - it happens on a regular basis at my house, and things have taken a turn for the better since I have started letting her deal with her own stuff.

That's excellent that your BPD was researching DBT... . hope that translates into some action on her part.

[lostandunsure]

Thanks for the advice... . I think that's what I need to hear. It's so easy for me to slip into the emotional caregiver role. This is all so new to me and the idea to leave her wallowing in a pity party is such a foreign idea. I'll have to figure out where my boundaries are with this.

And... . I do need to get some sleep, I think it would make dealing with the "day" that much easier, rather than trying to deal while short several hours sleep.

As for her researching DBT, she is very motivated to getting some help. She is signed up for a DBT program, but it has a 6 month waiting list, so she's trying to figure things out in the meantime. I think she knows that if things don't change soon the strain in our relationship may cause either the relationship or me to snap and she's seen how her mother's (she's undiagnosed, but we're pretty sure she has BPD herself) relationship with her husband has turned out. That man is a sad, broken shell of a person. He's a great guy, but there's not much left of him and my wife is terrified of that happening to me (thankfully she sees that).

So, she's trying to decide what to do about a therapist in the meantime, see a ":)BT" therapist while waiting for the program, just go to local NAMI group sessions, or try to go to her old therapist who basically told her that he could no longer help her anymore, before she got her diagnosis.

The more I learn, the longer the road seems to get.

[Wrongturn1]

That's great that you have a diagnosis and that she's interested in getting into DBT.  Your situation has a lot of the makings for a success story.  Hope she stays the course and gets into treatment soon.  In the meantime, remember to stay firm on your boundaries and give her opportunities to practice self-soothing.