He really does seem to have had the best intentions

[Violista]

One thing that I find staggering about my recent suspected-BPD ex is that he genuinely, truly seems to think he treated me well and that he was very loving. Just sharing my thoughts about this with you guys I suppose, I feel the need to talk about various aspects of the relationship sometimes as part of the healing process.

I feel that he did treat me well at times, but he also often treated me quite badly, yet he has repeatedly in the past gotten really upset and started talking about how he was giving me all he could, doing his best in the relationship, and that I "didn't know how much effort he was making for me". I'm not really sure what he means, as far as I see it he bought me a lot of gifts in the beginning (which stopped after a while), he made me a lot of teas and coffees and sometimes food when I was visiting him, he gave me a lot of compliments (but he would then criticize me a lot and kind of negate the compliments) and sometimes he drove when we went on long-distance trips together... . that's about as far as his efforts seemed to go. I suppose in the very very beginning of our relationship he also took me on an interstate trip with him, which was nice, although he originally said he'd pay for my ticket and then changed his mind. And he was SORT OF there for me when my grandfather died, he did help me that day. So he did do some things for me... . for most of our relationship though, making me tea and coffee and snacks and giving me compliments when he wasn't too busy criticizing me was the extent of his efforts.

He also drove me insane with his temper tantrums, got regularly mad and called me a string of all the horrible names he could think of, criticized me, got me feeling so insecure with his insensitive comments about my body that i started crash dieting for him, regularly accused me of being selfish and stupid, called me a nympho and told me to control my sex drive and made me feel like my passion for him was a bad thing, fought with me about his right to sit on his computer/phone and ignore me when I was visiting, came close to dumping me at least once a fortnight, made me regularly feel that my feelings were unimportant, seemed more into his music than into me, yelled at me that I was a hypochondriac and my whining was annoying when I was ill and in pain, made me responsible for everything that went wrong in the relationship, stressed me out with his occasional psychotic episodes, showed no appreciation for the fact that I did all the driving after he lost his licence, screamed at me for being a bad driver, and at one stage dumped me for his ex and then came back two months later. He wasn't a good person to talk to about problems... . sometimes he was, but often if I showed up at his house in a bad mood because I'd been having a rough day he would tell me to lighten up and be positive because he needed someone to bring him up, not drag him down with their problems. He would then expect me to immediately get over whatever was bothering me and get mad if I couldn't. Everything was about him and if he felt bad it was my fault, his ex's fault, or someone else's. He would cut me off when I was talking. He would sometimes get ridiculously jealous and possessive, I was always having to explain at length that some guy or another was just a friend.

He dumped me several times in really insensitive ways, e.g. he sent me a text message dumping me on new years eve when I was preparing to go out and have a good night, and it turned out he was already on his way to his new years plans with his ex when he sent it. Or once or twice he dumped me just by storming out, blocking me on facebook and telling everyone we'd broken up. He was also really difficult to work out any issues with, it was very hard to have an honest conversation with him and tell him what I really thought without him getting angry. So i lived in a relationship where many things just couldn't be talked about, and when I did try to talk about them, I would either get dumped or yelled at or told that I was the problem.

How on earth does he think these are the actions of someone who treats their girlfriend well? Yet I could see the sincerity with which he told me he was doing all he could to treat me well, and I could see he really believed he was being a good boyfriend. It boggles my mind that he would think that buying me a few clothes, half of which i didn't even like, telling me I'm beautiful and amazing after he's just finished telling me how stupid I am, and making me a few cups of tea makes up for all the other things he did and makes him a good boyfriend. But I could see the passion with which he told me he was doing all he could to make me happy. His explanation was that he only got mad at me when I deserved it and he didn't do anything wrong. It boggles my mind that someone can be so out of touch with normal emotional processing, other people's feelings, and social norms, that they genuinely think this kind of behaviour is that of a good loving boyfriend. I almost just find it interesting how blind someone can be... . he seems so convinced that he's right.

[Ironmanrises]

Violista,

I am so sorry.

I simplest answer is mental illness.

Trying to understand this disorder... . Beyond complicated.

I struggle with this too.

No logic in it.

Why would this person act like this, say that, and what not.

I have asked myself all those same questions.

A disordered mind.

One that effects the very people who are closest to them, their SO.

Us.

[bpdspell]

Violista,

I understand and sympathize with your frustration.

When we look back we can see how their words certainly do not match their actions. Your ex says he treated you well but your recollection is different. It's a form of gas lighting on his part and rewriting history so that he does not have to be accountable for his bad behavior towards you. This is his BPD in operation. He cannot own his bad behavior because in his mind that would make him bad and his fragile ego cannot handle that.

Unfortunately the road to hell is paved with good intentions. But the truth of a person will always be in their actions. In the toxic dance of BPD there will always be a Nile River Valley between their words and actions and the imaginary bridge that they build between the two is them projecting all of their bad thoughts and feelings on us. They treat us like crap and then turn around I say we "misunderstand them."

My ex tried the "I'm a stand up guy I did the best I could" narrative with me as well. Of course I felt confused as I replayed the implosion of the relationship over and over in my mind. But this is why reading the articles on here are imperative. BPD and narcissism is a serious mental illness. The articles will help give you insight into what you've experienced... . in time things will start to click and make sense.

What helped me to make peace with the truth is standing firm in what I know I experienced. I had many good times with my ex but overall being with my ex was one of the most negative experiences of my life. He played on my insecurities and projected massive amounts of his inner shame on me. There was also lots of control and abuse tactics that killed my confidence and kept me off centered. My BPDexbf also told lots of lies, cheated, lived parasitically off of me and felt entitled to my wallet.

So no. Their intentions do not have your best interest; perhaps their interest... . but certainly not yours.

Spell

[momtara]

Well, this is the cruelty of this disorder.  There is a person in there who can be sweet and loving, but the bad stuff is really bad.  It is hard for many of us to detach because we think about these good times and forget about how truly hard it was.  At least you remember all of it.

"His explanation was that he only got mad at me when I deserved it and he didn't do anything wrong."

Very typical verbal abuse.  I don't think he even believes that.  But it's hard to face having a mental illness that can destroy your relationships.

[blurry]

 Violista, you just summed a lot of my relationship with my soon to be exBPDw. The times she put me up, when I lived off of her, they were always AFTER the relationship had costed me a job, for instance, she begs me to quit my job, give up my place and move in with her 100 miles away, which I did, then two weeks later tells me she never loved me and is going back with her ex, which she did, I move back to where I came from, heartbroken and no job, and 3 weeks later she's begging me to come back and she will take care of me till I find a job... .

Can you imagine being told at various times after, that I was a moocher and taking advantage of a single mom? And we rinsed and repeated this 3 or 4 times the past year. This is just a tiny example of the hell I let myself get put through, and here I am holding back tears cause I can't stop thinking how much I love her still.

[Learning_curve74]

Violista,

I understand and sympathize with your frustration.

When we look back we can see how their words certainly do not match their actions. Your ex says he treated you well but your recollection is different. It's a form of gas lighting on his part and rewriting history so that he does not have to be accountable for his bad behavior towards you. This is his BPD in operation. He cannot own his bad behavior because in his mind that would make him bad and his fragile ego cannot handle that.

Unfortunately the road to hell is paved with good intentions. But the truth of a person will always be in their actions. In the toxic dance of BPD there will always be a Nile River Valley between their words and actions and the imaginary bridge that they build between the two is them projecting all of their bad thoughts and feelings on us. They treat us like crap and then turn around I say we "misunderstand them."

My ex tried the "I'm a stand up guy I did the best I could" narrative with me as well. Of course I felt confused as I replayed the implosion of the relationship over and over in my mind. But this is why reading the articles on here are imperative. BPD and narcissism is a serious mental illness. The articles will help give you insight into what you've experienced... . in time things will start to click and make sense.

What helped me to make peace with the truth is standing firm in what I know I experienced. I had many good times with my ex but overall being with my ex was one of the most negative experiences of my life. He played on my insecurities and projected massive amounts of his inner shame on me. There was also lots of control and abuse tactics that killed my confidence and kept me off centered. My BPDexbf also told lots of lies, cheated, lived parasitically off of me and felt entitled to my wallet.

So no. Their intentions do not have your best interest; perhaps their interest... . but certainly not yours.

Spell

The short version is "he's crazy". If you want to be politically correct "he's mentally ill".

I feel it is worthwhile to understand BPD behavior and why they do what they do. But there is some peace of mind to be gained by simply recognizing it as crazy and dysfunctional too. We didn't cause it, we can't solve it, and we can choose not to live with it.

[RedEye]

It's so heartbreaking for me, because my wife truly cares and truly does not want to be alone. She doesn't deserve to be so upset and so frustrated, but that's the disorder, I guess. Sometimes I can see she truly cares, and it's amazing to see how much she pushes herself to love me in spite of how much she hates me. Most of the time, though, she tells me how much she cares in the context of trying to demonstrate how I'm ungrateful for her and how she treats me much better than I treat her. I've just stopped trying to have that conversation, there's no good to come from arguing about who treats who better.