So the flaming ferris wheel spins...

[Octoberfest]

Hey all.  Haven't been posting on here as much... . College has started again and I have been pretty swept up in classes and socializing... . I am getting there.  I found something out today though and wanted to share and just kind of give people an update.

I posted in the past, maybe a week and a half ago, that I found out my BPDex had split up with the "new guy" (meaning the one immediately following me, the one that she was cheating on me with at the end and had started dating while we were still dating) and had left town back in July.  I then found out that she was dating ANOTHER new guy, this one a totally trashed out, greasy, fat cocaine user who worked at the same bar that she did for awhile.  I was pretty interested to hear all of this because it put to rest a lot of my fears... . I REALLY feared, like many others here, that my BPDex would ride off into the sunset all hunky dory with the new guy.  Well, not only did that relationship fail, she went and picked a total loser to date after that, and I found out today that they split up as well. I don't know circumstances, just know that they split.

I have used the expression that is the title of this thread quite a bit in my posts here... . I think the imagery speaks for itself.  It is pretty symbolic for me personally.  Something about it being a wheel, circular, uniform, unchanging and in constant motion.  Basically doing the same thing over and over again. The parallel I am drawing of course is that my BPDex's behavior is the same from one guy to the next.

I have met some really cool people.  A girl that I REALLY connect with (who unfortunately has a boyfriend in a different state).  Other girls that I have begun to chat with.  There is still a small piece of me however that belongs to my BPDex.  Not big.  Certainly many times smaller than it used to be... . but I still care to some degree.  Sadness I guess.  Sadness that this person lives their life the way that they do... . sadness at imagining the constant turmoil and madness of the world that they live in... . sadness that I subjected myself to it for as long as I did.

It is truly bizarre.  I can attest that I am worlds better now than I was when I first started posting on this board.  It IS possible to heal and move on with your life.  I just think it speaks to the core wounds that many of us have... . the ones that leave the door cracked for our BPDex's.  The ones that prevent us from COMPLETELY putting them from our minds and out of our hearts.  The ones that leave us vulnerable to one degree or another.  Many of you have heard stories, often from other members here on this board, who have been happily married or in relationships and left them to be with their BPDex's again, only to have it all fall apart again.  There is something sinister about it... . seductive in a way.  My task now is to find that thread, follow it to its end, and learn why I have that weak spot still and do what I can to eliminate it.

This has all been a journey.  And it continues to be.

Peace and strength to us all.

[jippolito1969]

I can relate to exactly how it is you feel. I split with my exBPD girlfriend back in mid-Feb. Since that time, we tried on a number of occasions to "re-kindle," things, to no avail. During the course of the relationship and even after, she had become mentally, verbally and physically abusive towards me. She negated my feelings, acused me of being the "abuser," pitted people against me, would blame me for her emotional outbursts and self-harming behaviors, refused to respect my boundaries, threatened to take a restraining order out on me, when she is the one who needed to be restrained at times, threatened to hurt me, or herself because of our "horrible," dynamic, and then, only a month after a re-kindled attempt in early June, started dating someone new, who she is now completely involved with, and had no qualms in telling me about this (she actually had this person call me to inform me of their developing relationship, which was horrible). Since this time, she sent me (with the help of this new dating partner) a "harrassment warning," asking me to stop contacting her--like I said earlier--she was the one who initiated contact with me after a two week period of no contact. I suspect she will most likely do the same again soon, although I have since changed my cell phone number. I have decided the best direction for me to go is no contact, because when she makes contact with me, it throughs me off for days at a time. She usually starts off sweet and kind, telling me she loves and misses me, and then turnes it around on me and becomes abusive if I atttempt to confront her about something and/or express my feelings. Despite all of this, I continue to miss her deeply and still fee as though I love her, which is just really messsed up of me. I can't seem, no matter what I do, to let go of things and I continue to question what happened and why, and wonder if she will act differently towards this new person, is that even possible. I have neverbeen in a relationship of this nature before, but have come to terms with some of my own attachment and co-dep issues since it ended, of whcih I am working on in therapy and by attending support groups. Howver, it is really difficult, and all I really want is to get over this person.

[Reg]

Hi Octoberfest,

I'm glad you discovered that the next relationship our ex partners jump into is no better then ours, in many cases, it is a lot worse.

I think that the added trauma, sometimes the invalidation from the breakup etc, pushes their self esteem even lower.  They are not worthy, I recall these words from my own ex BPD partner.  At the time I didn't even know about her problem.

After our final breakup (and before we knew about the BPD and we had talks on that matter in just a friendly way, without any relationship) she went into a new relationship and in her anger and what she said, this may even have been already a week before we broke up.

It was with a known BPD, alcoholic, fears beyond belief etc.  They did split up again and are recycling again.  The situation from what I've heard in the past is a lot worse then ours.  It will not get any better, and I think it never will in her case and with the ones she has surrounded herself with now.

Do I have empathy for people with BPD ? Yes I do for the ones who are so brave to understand they have a problem and are willing to change their life and make steps for themselves on that matter.

Do I still have empathy or compassion for my ex partner ?  To be honest, maybe a little, but she made the choice not to seek help.  :)o I still have empathy for my ex step daughter ?  Yes because it is hard to see that she is destroying the life of that kid also.  But would I still allow them in my life ?  No.

If she would ever want to get my friendship - and I say friendship - she would have to proof that she is in very serious therapy, and that this has lasted for several months.  And that she has been through the darkest part of it already.  But there's nothing that convinces me that this may ever happen.

It are the hard facts of BPD, and of course, every situation is also different... .

Good to hear that you're on the right path !

Reg

[blurry]

I did manage to get involved with a woman who seemed basically perfect, during one of the longer breakups with my pwBPD, she was a total sweetheart and no red flags that I could see, better than my pwBPD on literally all counts. You know the minute I had the opportunity, I dropped this girl like a bad habit and ran right back into the hell known as BPD... .

The new girl was absolutely devastated, and she was so sweet, she said no man had ever made her feel so special as I had, and she promised me (in a nice way) that my pwBPD would without a doubt repeat the same behavior, and that she just couldn't take me back after that happened because she had too much self respect yet understood that I had to see it through with the pwBPD.

If only I had as much self respect as she did. Obviously she wasn't even 100% correct, it didn't just happen one more time, she was more like 400% correct, cause the pwBPD  did it to me 4 times since. And I lost that incredible woman on top of it, honestly hope all her dreams come true, talk about a good woman with self respect and integrity, she was actually trying to be understanding towards my situation, as she was crying, heartbroken, while I was trying to explain why I was going back to miss BPD.

[NiceGuy83]

Octoberfest,

With time, you WILL stop caring, but you have stop taking an interest in what she is up to first.  For months after my 1st breakup from a pwBPD, I would check her FB page for clues as to who she was dating, etc.  It's two and a half years now, and there's been another pwBPD in between.  I can honestly say I barely think of the first girl anymore, and haven't checked her Facebook page in months (only did it then as the 2nd breakup, with a different person with BPD, rekindled some of the old curiousity).  Right now talking about it makes me want to look.  But I'm not going to.  Because I really don't care who she sees, as long as it's not me

[Emelie Emelie]

Octoberfest I'm really glad to hear you're doing so well!    

[Octoberfest]

Oh man... .


Came into some information today which basically confirms 100% she is doing the same stuff still.  A friend had told me a few weeks back her facebook had disappeared.  Today, he told me it was back, and covered with stuff from the past week or so with the FIRST new guy, the one she was supposedly engaged to.  All sorts of relationship stuff, pictures of them together, like they are dating/a couple.  And I know for a fact she was with this greasy dude for the past few months as well... . she was cheating on both of them.  So the flaming wheel spins.  I am halfway curious if this guy knows- he is in another Fraternity here on campus. Now that I am on the outside of this it just seems so absurd... . how can someone live their life that way.  God I am glad to be out of that vortex.  Knowing this sort of stuff may bring up a twinge or cause me to pause and think about the past, but it doesnt hurt like it used to... . I see my BPDex as a kind of sad joke now, and the guys she is juggling around as helpless, blind marionettes just like I was.  It is incredible how toxicly alluring her dance is... .  Strange stuff.  I compared her the other day to one of the Fraternity brothers, the one who was throughout my entire 9 months with my BPDex, calling it like it was and seeing clearly what she was doing, and told him that she was like a master thief of emotions.  Incredible stuff

[Octoberfest]

I guess I update this because it is a venue for me to talk about what I know/am feeling concerning my BPDex... .

Chatted with the girlfriend of one of the fraternity brothers last night (i'll refer to her as megan for simplicity)... .surprisingly, she knew of my BPDex. I say surprisingly because she at no point heard any of the story from me or anything.  What she did say however was that my BPDex disliked her because my BPDex's "best friend" (who is a lesbian that my BPDex cheated on me with while we dated) appears to have taken a liking to her.  Megan also told me (totally unprompted by me and having told her nothing of what I know), "yeah and she is dating two guys at once apparently".  This kind of shocked me... .I mean, I knew that she probably was, but the fact that other people saw it was surprising to me.  Megan added, "I don't know how they don't know... .its obvious, everyone knows".  Apparently my BPDex introduced the greasy cocaine user that I have posted about as her fiance at a football game a week and a half ago... .and then, as I posted here, there were pictures of her and the other guy (the one she had said she was engaged to back in July after knowing him for 2.5 months) kissing and being a couple and whatnot a day or two later.

It was a relief that someone else saw the crazy... .and honestly, I guess I am blessed. I have read a lot on here about situations where the non is the only person who sees the pwBPD's true craziness.  The number of people who go "really? I can't see her doing that" has diminished significantly... .It is validating I guess that other people see the cracks.

I just thought of this... .funny... .

When I first started seeing my BPDex she told me to set a ringtone on her phone (like buy a song on the phone marketplace to assign and play whenever I called).  I have no idea why, but I picked "It wasn't me" by Shaggy.  For those who aren't aware, it is a song exclusively about being caught cheating... .what sweet irony.  But just now as I wrote this I was going to end it with the words:

It wasn't me

and I saw the song and those words in a little bit of a different light.  It wasn't me. It wasn't me who made her do the things she does.  She is still doing them. 

Rewiring bad memories 

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Octoberfest! Looking forward to celebrating your namesake in a couple of weeks! Cheers! 

I have met some really cool people.  A girl that I REALLY connect with (who unfortunately has a boyfriend in a different state).

This is veering away from the direction of the discussion some, but I thought it worth bringing up. Maybe this is a good opportunity to have a healthy close "just friends" relationship with somebody you are attracted to? We can be close to somebody without it being physical and/or enmeshed, assuming we don't have BPD that is! 

On the subject of "everybody knows she's a slut" (for lack of a better description  ), it seems pwBPD are secretive, but the "cheater" types eventually gain a bad rep when they are hyperactive about seeking new supply. A lot of people here seem to feel that the next person is a "step down" but maybe it's because the BPDex needs somebody with either less self esteem or less knowledge about them (somebody on a lower social status or different social circle)?

[Octoberfest]

Hi Octoberfest! Looking forward to celebrating your namesake in a couple of weeks! Cheers! 

I have met some really cool people.  A girl that I REALLY connect with (who unfortunately has a boyfriend in a different state).

This is veering away from the direction of the discussion some, but I thought it worth bringing up. Maybe this is a good opportunity to have a healthy close "just friends" relationship with somebody you are attracted to? We can be close to somebody without it being physical and/or enmeshed, assuming we don't have BPD that is! 

On the subject of "everybody knows she's a slut" (for lack of a better description  ), it seems pwBPD are secretive, but the "cheater" types eventually gain a bad rep when they are hyperactive about seeking new supply. A lot of people here seem to feel that the next person is a "step down" but maybe it's because the BPDex needs somebody with either less self esteem or less knowledge about them (somebody on a lower social status or different social circle)?

interesting point... .I think you are on the money with the "less knowledge about them".  I have spoken rather disparagingly about the "Greasy cocaine dude".  Everything I have seen of him and heard about him, he is a fat, greasy, trashy, cocaine using person who is really unintelligent.  The other guy however? I have heard nothing but good things about him.  He sounds to be a totally good guy. I don't think she is necessarily trading down being with him.  But I also don't think who my BPDex is with has ANYTHING to do with who those people are as people.  It is about what they can provide her.  The same can be said for me.  My BPDex has dated a ton of varied personality types. Good guys, drug dealers, abusers, you name it.  There is no one type. 

I guess my point here is that I don't, because of a defense mechanism, say some guy she is with now is a loser because I need to make myself feel good about myself and make it out like she is losing.  She is losing no matter who she dates- she can't hold it together and she will cheat on everyone she dates.