Her Birthday Today :-(

[bauers220]

So once again I fooled myself.  In my hurt and anger I thought I'd be fine today... . and I'm not. Spending her Birthday with her was planned on Friday... . and of course she has told me once again she wants nothing to do with me.

I will not reach out to her.  I do feel bad knowing how she feels about being remembered but she said no contact - so I abide by her wishes.  Unlike her I have respect for those requests.

I just feel sad... . and do feel bad.  My anxiety is bad today - something tells me she is EXPECTING to hear from me - anticipating even.  I don't think its so she can fall all over me - I think she just wants it so she can go back to being mad.

Ugh - games games... . and she is 52 today... . which goes to show age is a number... . maturity knows no age.

[Aussie0zborn]

Given that you're here asking this question I would think she is waiting to hear from you so that she can reprimand you. If you are easily recycled then she will probably reprimand you for NOT contacting her and blame you for  never being there when she needs you. Classic push/pull.

But let's forget about her for a minute. What would YOU need to feel good about this and not worry about her?

[bauers220]

That is a VERY good question.  What DO I need to feel better?  I don't want to hurt anymore... . I don't want all this push/pull.  I guess the only answer is to stay off the roller coaster.  Someone once said to me "if you don't want to be hit by the train, stay off the railroad tracks".  Sound advice.

I am aching badly - and from what I am learning I think its FOG - not so much anything else.  Guilt is HUGE today since I have not reached out at all.

She can be VERY passive/aggressive and will post things on CL, either Missed Connections or Rants... . and low and behold there is something that looks like her... .

Going to just need support today.  Its by far my worst day yet in resisting caving.  If she contacted right now - I'd have trouble with clarity.

[Vindi]

do nothing, she said no contact and stick with it... . yes her nc may be that, and she may still want you to "at least" wish her a happy birthday, then she can do the push pull with you... . she could be testing you.

Stay true to you, do nc, and yes this may feel like the worst day of your life, but done let it... . breath deep and know you will get thru this day and post often with what you are feeling.

[bauers220]

Thank you.  I am beyond fried over this recent split.  I think I spent 2 years in denial... . even though the splits hurt before - it was always expected that she would be back cause she never left for good reason.  The fact that she has knowledge of things I did during some of our splits makes me wonder if she will EVER be back.

All my friends say oh she will... . its her pattern.  They all hate her - and I mean HATE her.  My best friend has already promised if she tries to contact me - she is emailing her - and said I cannot stop her.  She sat vigil this weekend with me - saw first hand the anguish. 

I wanted today to be better than this.  Will I EVER feel like I am rising above this?

[DreamGirl]

My anxiety is bad today... .

Our bodies are really great indicators of where we are at in this. In the throws of your heartache, your increased anxiety over her birthday is probably telling you... . that maybe you aren't in the best head space to know what it is that you really want right now. It's the old saying that you shouldn't buy a house when depressed.   

I've been where you are at.  It's a tough place to be.

Are you taking some time to take care of yourself? Today might be a really good day to do this. When I get stressed to the point of anxiety, it's my body telling me that maybe I need to take a break. Time to take a deep breath. Time to figure out ways to calm the nerves. Time to stop the ruminating about all the bad stuff that I can't control. The "what if's".  

It all needs to be dealt with, but we have to have the proper resilience to deal with it.

~DG

[bauers220]

My anxiety is bad today... .

Our bodies are really great indicators of where we are at in this. In the throws of your heartache, your increased anxiety over her birthday is probably telling you... . that maybe you aren't in the best head space to know what it is that you really want right now. It's the old saying that you shouldn't buy a house when depressed.   

I've been where you are at.  It's a tough place to be.

Are you taking some time to take care of yourself? Today might be a really good day to do this. When I get stressed to the point of anxiety, it's my body telling me that maybe I need to take a break. Time to take a deep breath. Time to figure out ways to calm the nerves. Time to stop the ruminating about all the bad stuff that I can't control. The "what if's".  

It all needs to be dealt with, but we have to have the proper resilience to deal with it.

~DG

I am doing my best to stay busy and not focus too much on the what ifs.  I am feeling a bit confused as to why my/her counselor thought we were ready for this "truth telling"... . My counselor just began working with my ex a month ago - me 9 months ago - she has seen this all unfold and all the drama that comes with it... . I just question her judgement.  Its tough because I have trusted her completely.  Its all tied to my spiritual beliefs and the idea that Austin and I had a special spiritual connection.

Now I wonder if that is all hogwash and a fancy way to excuse staying in a relationship that is damaging.

Austin herself has sworn to me over and over she has never been this confused and irradic before in her life... . I'm finding it tough to believe now.