Ex cried divorce but is not following through.

[Mutt]

I'm seeking peoples perspective that have had the same issue. It's simple. Ex over the years brought up the D word often. At least once a month, 6 months after getting married in 2008. Twice a month in the last 2 years of our r/s.

She left me several months ago and was having an emotional and physical affair with a man 8 months before leave and is still with him. She simply said "I'm done" "I'm divorcing you.".

After she left she didn't want to work on any separation agreements out of court and is indifferent. She simply ignores speaking about divorce with me. Avoidance.

I'm currently going through family court and I served her with court papers. For myself, I thought it was more important to work on custody and I'll follow up with the divorce papers afterwards. That's the choice that I made and I don't have the energy to fight two fronts with custody and divorce separately.

A few months ago I closed our joint account and it was like a nuclear bomb went off. Instantly she reached out to me at my work e-mail, personal e-mail, voice messages on both my home phone and cell phone and was dysregulated and angry that I had closed it.


6 months after separating I took her off of my benefits and life insurance. I accepted that she is in a committed relationship with another man and I don't want reconciliation. She was indifferent again, but then when I called and told her on the 6 month mark, she was telling me she is going to fight it to get herself back on my benefits for the time she has missed or was off of it.


Friends and family have no understanding with what type of person I am dealing with. An L said have her seek divorce because it sounds like she is wanting to get married to my replacement and she will concede to certain things to rush the divorce through. Friends keep saying that she's using me as a back-up in case this new guy doesn't work out. She tells everyone how happy she is now and that she's in a healthy relationship.

Is this BPD fear of abandonment because she seems to say one thing about divorce but doesn't actually serve me or do anything about it? Or is it simply like my friends say that she's trying to keep me around as a back-up?

I ask that please I do not want responses if I wish to be recycled. My mind is made up that I don't want reconciliation. There are better people for me out there than her. I'm working on myself, to love myself and deal with my core issues so I can share my life with someone that doesn't think marriage is just a piece of paper. I'm trying to put this in it's place and move on.

I want to know if people here went through something similar. What happened in your experience when everything was said and done?

Did your SO leave you with someone under their wing wanting a divorce and went silent and defensive/avoidant with divorce when it was their idea?

Is this fear of abandonment? What gives?



- Mutt

[ForeverDad]

If you're married and in the USA I don't think you can take her off your benefits without her agreement.  Rather, you can do it but then she might be able to fight it.  I think that's a federal law but get local legal advice for that and at least an overview of your other legal issues.

Custody is the toughie - although if she left the kids with you then maybe not so tough after all.  But when push comes to shove she can come circling back to you with dagger eyes.  Divorce, though it can trigger abandonment issues, is fairly straightforward, nearly always just about the division of marital assets and debts unless you live in an at-fault state.  Hmm, I think those are gone now or mostly gone except for some aspects.  It's possible that the longer you are married the longer the greater exposure to risk of her new debts.

Closing the joint account was surely a trigger for her, it was her link back to you while she left you simmering on the back burner.  Was she withdrawing money from the account?

As regards your life insurance, unless she is the owner of the insurance policy, you can name whichever beneficiaries you wish.  Well, probably not Fido or Snuggles.  Similar with your bank accounts you can do joint with someone you trust or do a survivor type or variations.  Your will may be a different matter, an attorney could advise you what you can change if still married or legally separated.

Now I come to my biggest concern.  When you say you're going for custody first, are you doing Legal Separation?  My lawyer said that in my state if I did LS and got a favorable custody evaluation and then later divorced then the clock would be reset and custody would be reevaluated all over again.  The risk was that the second time around the other spouse could have learned from the first evaluation and figured out how to hide the poor behaviors during the new evaluation.  He said in some 20 years of practice he had handled only two LS cases and they didn't involve custody, LS was chosen just to keep medical insurance.

Have you gotten a few legal consultations with different family law attorneys to be sure you aren't making any potential missteps?  The logic of the legal system is a bit arcane and not common sense logic.

About my ex and divorce threats... . As our marriage was beginning to implode, my then-spouse too made divorce threats, almost always when she was ranting, raging or upset.  I think the first specific instance I recall was one spring evening about a year or so before we separated and later divorced we were going to a religious event and I was using a map to find the location.  She was frantic and sure that we would be late and of course it was all my fault.  So we arrived and parked about 10 minutes early and as we got out of the car she exclaimed, "I want a divorce!"  Yes, on the most important religious event of the year.  I was literally SHOCKED.  Oh, the event?  It started late.

We were separated for over 4 months before I filed for divorce.  That's right, I was the one to file, I am always named the Plaintiff.  She had filed for child support the day before and our paperwork crossed in the mail.  Divorce trumped CS, so her case was merged into mine.

I could guess what my ex is thinking and why but I don't have enough insight or the energy to do that.  Since I really can't be sure what goes on in her head, I just deal with what I know - which is how she treats me.  I accept who she is as I see it, not as I wish it would be.  She has no respect or civility with me, so I don't feel guilted into going out of my way to make her life any easier.  She is an adult so I let her face her consequences.  (Court and the other professionals give her far more help and assistance than she deserves, so I don't feel obligated or guilted as I step back and let her do whatever she wishes with her life.)

[Mutt]

I'm married in Canada. Canada is no-fault divorce nationwide which I don't agree with because it promotes divorce but that's just my opinion.

She left with the kids yes. I glossed things over and looked the other way when she left. I was in denial. I thought she was separating with possible reconciliation. I sensed an affair and her agenda was much different than mine. What a mistake. She's alienating me from the kids and has been exposing the other man and the kids together as much as possible. This is from week 3 until now. OM sleeping over almost every night of the week, movies with the kids, kids going to weddings on this side of the family. The list goes on and on, but from my understanding that this type of behavior doesn't much matter.

I was transferring money to her in the account for a little while after she left but had soon stopped doing that. I called the bank to up my limit for daily debit activities and was denied when they said there were too many NSF which was caused by her. She was suppose to pay a loan and would get angry at me and retaliate, say that I was going to steal the money she put in the in the account, withdraw then the payment would bounce. It was affecting credit and I was with my bank for over 10 years and could not do simple requests.

It opens up at 6 months separation at my work to remove a spouse. You have to absolutely remove them if you are divorced. She is in another committed relationship and has another SO. His/her problem as far as I'm concerned.

To put the cake eating into perspective, she took our vehicle as well and I was asked 5 times for 2 major repairs to pay half on the vehicle repairs.

I have consulted a few L yes. She says she's going to fight for benefits. I've had to fight tooth and nail for the kids. I really don't care if that's a misstep and her bark is worse than her bite from what I have seen. She's too much into her SO to give any attention for anyone/anything else. That's her downfall at the moment.

[DreamGirl]

I think as long as there's an explanation that makes sense - you're safe.

~ My husband stopped paying the mortgage on the house (he couldn't afford it and pay his own rent)

~ He didn't pay the whole amount of child support when she moved 60 miles away leaving him with the kiddos, he paid what the calculation suggested he pay when it came to the number of overnights she was exercising.

~ He started paying the daycare directly when she wouldn't pay them (he was ordered to reimburse her every month for daycare)

~ He took his name off their joint checking account when she started bouncing checks (sound familiar?)

Those kinds of actions make sense. He wasn't being spiteful or vindictive - he was separaring his finances from a wife who wouldn't pay the bills. Every action and his lawyer could argue as to why with a valid reason.

She got upset at these kinds of actions, but that's because she doesn't quite understand how that stuff works.

He also showed good faith. He always paid his alimony in full and on time - she relied on it. He did keep her on his health insurance - because she didn't have health insurance. He kept paying the premium for the life insurance policy that named her (and the kiddos) as the beneficiaries just in case something happened to him. She's still the mother of his children and they deserve to be taken care of.

 

His attorney helped him a lot in making these kinds of decisions that could make him look "bad" in court. He was simply being pragmatic. Each problem - and he presented a solution. i.e. Daycare wasn't getting paid, so he paid the whole thing rather then reimburse her. (She actually ended up having to reimburse that money thru the final settlement.)

Be smart and fair.  To you and to her.

[ForeverDad]

He kept paying the premium for the life insurance policy that named her (and the kiddos) as the beneficiaries just in case something happened to him. She's still the mother of his children and they deserve to be taken care of.

Due to ex's serious child abuse allegations that I had endured for years, I decided I wouldn't give her a penny of life insurance.  Instead I named my minor beneficiaries this way which my state allows, "in trust for hit pursuant to will dated xx/xx/xxxx".  That way they would get the money needed but my ex, an extreme controller, won't have a say in the disbursements.

It's your choice as to which decision you make.  Don't fret over it, you can always revise the beneficiaries again later on.

[DreamGirl]

He kept paying the premium for the life insurance policy that named her (and the kiddos) as the beneficiaries just in case something happened to him. She's still the mother of his children and they deserve to be taken care of.

Due to ex's serious child abuse allegations that I had endured for years, I decided I wouldn't give her a penny of life insurance.  Instead I named my minor beneficiaries this way, "in trust for hit pursuant to will dated xx/xx/xxxx".  That way they get the money needed but my ex, an extreme controller, won't have a say in the disbursements.

It's your choice as to which decision you make.  Don't fret over it, you can always revise the beneficiaries again later on.

I can see why you'd feel that way. I/We try to base actions on our own values and not compromise those values based on her actions. I don't want to leave her to her own devices if something would happen to my husband - especially at that time.

My stepkids' mom was financially dependent on my husband, she was a stay-at-home-mom returning to the work force because of the divorce, so to cease paying on the life insurance policy wouldn't have made "logical" sense.

I try really hard to take the emotions out of those kinds of decisions. "I'll be damned if she benefits off my death when she did X, Y, and Z" is an emotional reaction to her nonsense.

We actually still have a life insurance policy with her as the beneficiary (only $50,000) because it's the "right" thing to do. She would need that money because she is still significantly financially dependent on him. Of course, when the kids are grown, there won't be a need for it anymore.

~DG

[Mutt]

He kept paying the premium for the life insurance policy that named her (and the kiddos) as the beneficiaries just in case something happened to him. She's still the mother of his children and they deserve to be taken care of.

Due to ex's serious child abuse allegations that I had endured for years, I decided I wouldn't give her a penny of life insurance.  Instead I named my minor beneficiaries this way which my state allows, "in trust for hit pursuant to will dated xx/xx/xxxx".  That way they would get the money needed but my ex, an extreme controller, won't have a say in the disbursements.

It's your choice as to which decision you make.  :)on't fret over it, you can always revise the beneficiaries again later on.

I removed her completely off my life insurance policy and shifted the money to my 3 kids and made my sister beneficiary. The one my ex painted black years ago and my ex begged me not to make her beneficiary, but she's the sole person I can trust. It's not up to my ex on how I organize my estate.  I'm leaving it to the kids and not to her to control and squander. She's put herself in front of the kids for several months. Her first and kids are secondary. I want to leave the money to the kids.

[Mutt]

~ He didn't pay the whole amount of child support when she moved 60 miles away leaving him with the kiddos, he paid what the calculation suggested he pay when it came to the number of overnights she was exercising.

If your SO has the kids (or have things changed?) and she was a stay at home mom. Is there a reason why (sans children) she can't work?

[ForeverDad]

Another reason, one I didn't state above, was that my ex received a tidy sum from marital assets, forcing me to fully mortgage the house and dip into my retirement account.  It was spent in about 3 years.  I don't want to leave life insurance disbursements under her control.  I understand that money released for his rent and other support for him could benefit her too, I'm okay with that.

My ex isn't totally abandoned.  We were married for more than 10 years so when she gets to retirement age she will be able to piggyback onto my Social Security work history.  That won't be until sometime after 2030.

[DreamGirl]

~ He didn't pay the whole amount of child support when she moved 60 miles away leaving him with the kiddos, he paid what the calculation suggested he pay when it came to the number of overnights she was exercising.

If your SO has the kids (or have things changed?) and she was a stay at home mom. Is there a reason why (sans children) she can't work?

Long story.  

Their divorce was over 9 years ago. She didn't work at first (their divorce took 2 years) and in the State of Colorado, if any of the children are under 30 months old (2 and 1/2 years) the party who is caring for the children is not required to be employed.

So she got a part time job because the youngest had not reached 30 months. The alimony supplemented the income while child support helped her care for the kids.

She, of course, still struggled financially and ended up moving with a boyfriend (60 miles away) but wasn't permitted to take the kids with her because the kids were still in school and the temporary orders stated as much. So husband kept the kids but the child support order stated that he had to pay a stipulated amount (based on her having them full time) and the next hearing was another 3 months out. She felt that he should keep paying the stipulated amount to which he disagreed and would only pay the amount he thought was fair (at his attorney's advice of course).

In the end, she moved back within the 3 months, and they went back to regularly scheduled programming. She got a full-time job and the kids kept going to the agreed upon daycare provider. In the final orders, he was ordered to pay the daycare directly, alimony was waived based on him taking on all marital debt, and custody was about a 65/35 split, and he agreed to pay about $200 too much a month in child support (basically to avoid trial and for her to waive any rights to his pension). Mediation was actually a success in my husband's case.

Custody and support were revised two years later.  

It is now 50/50, she actually just went part-time (new boyfriend!) and the hubs still overpays according to the state calculation. I've found that life with someone suffering from BPD is often a compromise of sorts. Kids are happy and healthy... . so a small amount thrown at her to make her feel like the winner is worth every penny. At least to me.

-DG