School Avoidance

[sunshineplease]

Has anyone had luck with approaches/modalities that get pwBPD past the hump of avoidance?

My UD18 is a fantastic employee (kudos from four different bosses). She's able to follow rules and be pleasant. In fact, she can exercise great self-restraint when it comes to getting along with others. Since undergoing intensive therapy, she's pretty self-aware. And any time she puts herself out there in the world, the world loves her back. But she cannot find a way to finish high school.

Her anxiety on that front is just over the top. We've hired tutors, changed schools, tried online school in a therapeutic setting... . nothing has worked. As with many of our children, she's super-bright, and wanting (very badly) to move on to college. She's been told repeatedly that if she just "poops on the page" it'll be good enough to get her her diploma, but she can't bring herself to do it.

It's clear to her therapist, and to us, that the root of the issue is perfectionism, but all the talk in the world isn't changing that. DD's just started EMDR, and has had some success, but I'm wondering if you all have other suggestions. Neurofeedback? Educational specialists? Full-time tutors?

Many thanks, fellow travelers... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Have you considered a short stay at a therapeutic boarding school to get this finished up?

[sunshineplease]

Good idea, lbjnltx! I suggested it just last night, in fact, but DD wasn't open to it. I think the idea of acclimating in yet another place (after mental hospital, wilderness, and RTC) is more than she believes she can handle.

Money's also an issue. We've spent half of her "college" money on inpatient tx, and she knows that when the rest of that money is gone, she's on her own financially (though not emotionally or practically; she could live at home a while if she needs to and can follow our rules). We've encouraged her to take it one step at a time (that college will work itself out if she can get on top of this), but she's fixated on the future.

[cleanandsober]

Our 16 yr. old daughter has severe school anxiety.  Her first day of school she had depersonalization.  We had her in an alternative school part of last year but that environment is very destractive and it was more of a temporary placement.  She is refusing to go back to high school after just one day, and wants to do on-line.  Her high school offers on-line only on campus where she can get teacher assistance.  Unfortunately, our daughter just freaks out in the high school building.  It is a very big school.  I have learned about the laws of home-based schooling and found out that we can make our own high school diploma for her and it is completely legitimate.  We live in Wisconsin.  The down side is the burden is on the parents.  I have found out that colleges accept and recognize home based diplomas and do not require a public high school diploma.  The main thing is passing the entrance exams. 

[MammaMia]

Oh boy... . been there, done that.

My dBPDs (was not diagnosed in High school) ended up in alternative school.  He said he was so bored with regular hs that he just refused to go.  Yes, pwBPD are very bright and may become easily bored.  He could not understand how he could grasp information immediately (with a photographic memory too) and others had to be taught the same information over and over and still did not get it.  Everyone else was a moron to him.  His word, not mine.

"Alternative School" allowed him to graduate but it was basically classes with other misfits who sat around and talked about how screwed up the world was and shared experiences about their growing up years.  He went on to VoTech... . one semester.  The staff there told him he was wasting his time.  He was far too smart to be in vocational school.  They encouraged him to attend a four year college.  He was all signed up and accepted to a 4 year IT Program when he decided they could not teach him anything he did not already know.  So, he decided not to go.

I think anxiety is a HUGE issue for these kids.  They refuse to be judged by anyone.  However capable they are, they need a degree to move forward.  Moving forward is also a traumatic issue for them.

It is so frustrating to see young people who are so capable sit on their hands and do nothing to better themselves.  He is a self-taught musician and remasterer (famous in our town for his ability) and computer genius.  He can fix anything.  I have suggested he do an online IT course... . which he would ace.  He has taken benchmark tests and passed with a score of 100%.  He could work from home repairing computers, but he does not want people he does not know in his house.  The same with teaching music.

Some pwBPD are almost too capable for their own good but lack the ability to share that knowledge in a group setting.  

[lovesjazz]

Our BPDs is also very intelligent. I think the problem is their emotional level is way below their intillectual level .  The other way around would be a very stable person emotionally who is not up to his thinking intillectually. That causes a problem also.

[lbjnltx]

 

Good idea, lbjnltx! I suggested it just last night, in fact, but DD wasn't open to it. I think the idea of acclimating in yet another place (after mental hospital, wilderness, and RTC) is more than she believes she can handle.

Money's also an issue. We've spent half of her "college" money on inpatient tx, and she knows that when the rest of that money is gone, she's on her own financially (though not emotionally or practically; she could live at home a while if she needs to and can follow our rules). We've encouraged her to take it one step at a time (that college will work itself out if she can get on top of this), but she's fixated on the future.

Give her the ball since she is being allowed to make the decisions about how/when/where she will finish out her high school education.  Let her design and set up (with your assistance) her own program to fulfill the requirements on her own time frame.  PwBPD despise being controlled.  Step 1... . finish high school Step 2 ... . go to college... . in that order (whatever that process looks like).

[crumblingdad]

Does your DD have an IEP (or have you tried to get an IEP?) that you can utilize to help her get through with some sort of homeschool/tutoring so you don't have to do the school curriculum but she can be at home? Remember with the IEP they are essentially required to work with you on coming up with an educational program that will work for her.  Perhaps if she can be away from the anxiety triggers of the school setting it would be helpful and maybe a limited schedule where she does attend a class or two that she feels she can handle.

I echo the thoughts on the alt school and although it may be an option does present a myriad of other issues.  Our DD16 ended up in one through her IEP.  She's currently hospitalized but she claims she "loves" it yet seldom makes it through a day without skipping out with the bad influences around her to engage in drugs and whatever else she does when shes MIA.  The school has just informed us prior to this hospitalization we will require a safety plan meeting for them to allow her back.

[sunshineplease]

Thanks, lbj... . we're doing exactly that. The issue is that she just keeps dropping the ball: No designing/planning, no nothin'. She treads water wherever she is (public school, private school, wilderness, rtc) and doesn't take any initiative.

We've told her for years that we'll support her in however/whenever/wherever she wants to do school -- or not -- to the best of our ability. Her response is "you don't believe in me." She seems to think the magical will happen, and all of a sudden she'll be back on the track she was on. She even managed (with lots of hand-holding over the years) to get admitted to a great college, so it all seems barely outside her grasp... . the problem is she's capable of the work, but she can't make herself do it.

My husband and I need to draw a boundary on the finances, which are not (to put it mildly) infinite. We can't go broke watching her spin her wheels. So sad.

Hey, crumblingdad, we had an IEP years ago and it would be possible to re-enter the public school system and do things through them. They have great accommodations. But my daughter's shame over that means it's not a choice she's willing to make right now. She can't believe she'd be in a program for "dumb" people.

The school setting isn't really the problem. For ages we thought it was, but she actually likes going to class okay. Some classes she loves (great discussions make her happy).  What she can't handle are the homework and the tests. Solitary study bores AND scares her.

I'm sorry for your difficulties. The schools do the best they can, but they're really not set up to educate the mentally ill the same way they are the cognitively challenged.

Her therapist is convinced DD's issues are psychological in nature, not cognitive. But no one has any idea how to help her.

[heronbird]

Such a shame, so clever but perfectionists and then they burn themselves out    

Cant finish off anything.

I read once in dds diary she started a shop job, she wrote, Im going to be the best, the best they ever had.

She was, but 3 months later had a break down and had to leave.

Thats the usual scenario.