The Bloomin Weekend

[Moonie75]

Well Friday's come round again & I have another couple of days of feeling VERY lonely.

I work hard during the week & have taken to reading a lot to fill the evenings up. The busy work days & week nights aren't too bad.

But mother of god, I don't half struggle at the weekends!

I miss her children & the days out. I miss walking the dog incredibly (who became a kind of best friend & walking her kept me sane). I used to invest a lot in our weekends to make sure everyone had a good time after being in work/school all week. I miss so much from the weekends!

I'm not always this low (thankfully). But 'That Friday Feeling' has taken on a whole new meaning.

[Ironmanrises]

Moonie,

I know how hard that must be.

Makes you wish you could just forget... . Almost the way they seem to do with us nons... .

Not think about us... . Until they need us.

Just shows you have real feelings... .

That dont blow away in the wind.

Stay strong.

[Moonie75]

Moonie,


That dont blow away in the wind.

Stay strong.

Cheers Ironman. I like reading your posts & the way you put things!

[Hazelrah]

Well Friday's come round again & I have another couple of days of feeling VERY lonely.

I work hard during the week & have taken to reading a lot to fill the evenings up. The busy work days & week nights aren't too bad.

But mother of god, I don't half struggle at the weekends!

I miss her children & the days out. I miss walking the dog incredibly (who became a kind of best friend & walking her kept me sane). I used to invest a lot in our weekends to make sure everyone had a good time after being in work/school all week. I miss so much from the weekends!

I'm not always this low (thankfully). But 'That Friday Feeling' has taken on a whole new meaning.

Moonie,

I am experiencing exactly the same conundrum--weekends can be hell.  Like you, weekdays are pretty busy with work, and I only have a few hours of loneliness come the evening, until I pass out on the couch or in bed.  But the weekends leave too much time that used to be filled with that 'together' time that I still miss so much.  I drank myself through the first few weekends, but seeing as I'm not much of a drinker under normal circumstances, I realized that was a huge mistake and I cut that out right quick.  I try to get out with friends or family, but they're not always available, so I'm left to my own devices the rest of the time.  Sundays at least provide the companionship of band practice, so that's something to look forward to.  But the rest of the time can really be maddening.  It's really frustrating, as before I was married, quiet/alone time was something I really needed--now, it's simply painful.

[desperatehubby]

Hey Moonie

You may recall I was supposed to be on my own last weekend... . she came back on the friday night.

She is now trying it again this weekend, so far she hasn't text to say she's coming back.

So this will be my first two nights alone before she comes back to continue packing.

Man it does feel strange... the house is so quiet. The cat is out.

You're a muso like me mate... . music should get us through... .

Failing that I have a fridge full of Guinness... . (don't want to make a habit of it though)

Thinking of you man.

desperatehubby

[desperatehubby]

And Hazelrah

You play in a band as well? What do you play?

That's 3 of us as musos on this thread.

We could form 'The Non BPD's'... .

Moonie is a drummer, I'm a guitarist... . anyone else?

[Moonie75]

Have a love/hate thing going on with music at the moment. One lyric I never noticed before can send me crashing to earth!

But I can admit that my passion for music has got me through other bad times in my past.

I've got a fair bit of homework to do for this new band so can dip in & out of that as the mood takes me so that can fill some time. I'm not really sure it's boredom that my problem, I think it's more the aloneness of the weekends (especially all day on Sundays).

I know the time alone with my thoughts is going to be good for me in the long run. Slowly developing a comfort with my own company. Not needing others around me. That's all got to be healthy soul searching stuff I suppose?

Just sometimes the biggest tests & lessons hurt the most. But we learn & we remember & we grow.

[desperatehubby]

yeah I know what you mean re lyrics

I was listening to something earlier which was out 11 years ago when I met her

I can remember exactly being in the car listening to it back then on way to a date etc

Music is so powerful in many ways... .

[Moonie75]

Too powerful at times when ya don't need it to be powerful!

Ya know what, that woman even kept me record player & all but one of my records. Yeah, she kept my favorite record back!

I'll probably get that offered back some time later down the line when she's needing reasons to contact & 'take my temperature' (as they say).

[desperatehubby]

oh you gotta get your vinyl back!

[Moonie75]

She only kept one!  But get this!

'I TAKE WHAT I WANT'  by The Artwoods

How fookin ironic!

[desperatehubby]

yes very ironic and a great track...

[heartandwhole]

I know the time alone with my thoughts is going to be good for me in the long run. Slowly developing a comfort with my own company. Not needing others around me. That's all got to be healthy soul searching stuff I suppose?

I think it's important to be able to stand our own company    Maybe even enjoy it.  And, as uncomfortable as it is sometimes, I've found that there is a gold mine of information in those feelings that come up when I am alone and have time to process them.  We all need others, and always will, but we need our own self-love and compassion just as much, if not more.  

[desperatehubby]

I think you're right heartandwhole

Before my 11yr relationship I've only ever had short lived 3-4 month relationships, and spent a lot of time on my own... . I've always been alright... . enjoyed my own company

I don't think my soon to be xBPDw will like her own company though

[Hazelrah]

And Hazelrah

You play in a band as well? What do you play?

That's 3 of us as musos on this thread.

We could form 'The Non BPD's'... .

Moonie is a drummer, I'm a guitarist... . anyone else?

Hey Desperate,

Yes, another long-time musician here.  I play guitar, sing, and write all of the band's tunes.  I also dabble a bit with banjo, mandolin, harmonica, keys, but guitar and songwriting are my strengths. 

As Moonie mentioned, boredom isn't really the present issue--it's the loneliness that I'm really battling with.  Luckily, I've been on a writing frenzy of late, which has kept me occupied when friends/family aren't around. 

Moonie, 

Being comfortable with oneself is critical.  I used to be, and I need to get back to that.  I've always had a bit of an anti-social streak to a certain degree, but I suddenly find myself craving company/social interaction now.  I actually consider that growth on my part.

[desperatehubby]

I know what you mean Hazelrah

I don't think the loneliness has set in for me yet because I'm filling my time doing things I haven't done for a while.

I think maybe during the day tomorrow my mind will start to try to get to me saying 'do you know what you're doing'... . and I got to be strong because I'll be so much better off.

[gallerykey]

Hi, Im totally with you. I also am busy with work during the week and sem on the surface to cope but now its the weekend I am suffering. Tonight I am feeling very low and lonely, cant shake it all away as much as I wish I could.

I hate knowing hes out having fun and not a care in the world and no thought what hes done to me and my children! Im the one left here night after night crying, not for him as such but the aftermath of feelings, despite knowing that poor girl has got it all to come as we all know they cant/wont change.

Have music on in the hope to drown out thoughts (not working :-( )

I wish I could just accept it for what it is and move on, find a nice real guy and be happy, but i know thats not going to happen as Im too used to the chaos and drama to let a "normal" guy in. 27 days no cantact and feeling crap, when will it get easier?

[desperatehubby]

Hi imj72

It will get easier... . it has too.

I've had a night where I've so far found myself looking through pics from our early days 11 years ago, and from our honeymoon... . but I have to keep telling myself that the smiley person I see when i look at her wasn't who she really is, or who she turned out to be... . yes it's upsetting...

I think of all the rages, suicide attempts, isolation from my family and then the upset goes.

I couldn't live the rest of my life like that... it made me ill.

You say about what he's done to your children... . you couldnt carry on like that.

I know what you mean about not letting someone in... . we get used to the drama, we get used to being on edge, walking on eggshells... . but we have to think that not everyone suffers from a disorder.

There will be new futures for us... . we just have to be ready to trust and live again

desperatehubby

[gallerykey]

Desperatehubby, I know what youre saying, in my head, but the rest of me just cant seem to follow if that makes sense.

I know I couldnt let it continue like that where my children where concerned but I just cant shake the heart wrench of it all. I have never before been in a relationship like this and obviously never want to again but... . why the frigging hell is there a but? I honestly thought that 4 weeks on of NC i would start to feel human again, me again but I cant even remember who I am. The weekends of being on my own (kids have their own lies to lead naturally) are just soo hard. I really dont have friends I can turn to as I lost them during my relationship and find it hard to know where to start to find new friends.

I obviously need to try and learn to accept BPD for what it really is, If i can get my head around that maybe i can make some progress, but still can hear all those wonderful words he said to me (even though i know it was all lies, even more lies!)

I know people have been through worse than me and i really feel for them but Im struggling like really struggling to get through today knowing he is as happy as the sun shining!

Can anyone give me tips, advice on how to let go, how just to get through the day without crying? I do know hes not worth my tears, they just arent worth it. I cant save all the new girlfriends to come I know this and need to save me but cant see why im worth saving right now... .

[desperatehubby]

imj72



You need to save you... . you are worth saving, your children will need you.

You sound like I was 4 years or so ago when i joined here... . yes it's taken me this long, and we still aren't completely separate. She has moved a lot of her stuff out, but spends some time here and some at her parents till we sort the house out. Maybe when she is totally gone I'll feel different.

I think I had emotionally let go several years ago

You say you lost a lot of friends during your relationship. I know what you mean as I have as well, people didn't understand why I stuck around, why I stuck to my marriage vowels. People said I went above and beyond what a husband should do. But, I'm starting to re-connect with people. Can you email your friends?

Letting go is difficult. I have to stop myself looking at the past and try to envisage a happy time in the future.

You know he's happy? Maybe he is, but he wont be completely happy whilst he suffers from this disorder... . you need to think that you are the well person

I know it's difficult... . I don't know what tips to give you because once my wife is completely out of the house I may drop too.

Do you have any hobbies you could focus on at the weekends? Or could maybe take up?

[cozmo]

Imj,

DesperateHubby (the worlds most patient man) is right!

They can never be truly happy while they're mentally ill. I have to remind myself of this when her new relationship & partying gets to me. I remind myself that ALL her relationships past present & future are doomed to the same awful ending. She lives everyday with a put on show that drains her beyond our comprehension & makes her life (behind the scenes) totally & utterly miserable.

I don't have a mental illness that condemns me to that god awful fate, neither do you!

We've lived a number of years with it in our lives, they live a full lifetime of it. Lets thank our lucky stars for at least sparing us that!

[Moonie75]

That's a good way to look at things Cozmo.

I just want to start seeing the sunshine appearing on the horizon. Just a glimmer will be enough to reassure me that a new dawn is coming, and with it, new people, new places & new adventures!

I know that glimmer will come. I'm just not very patient when I'm miserable!  

[desperatehubby]

Cozmo

Thanks for calling me the world's most patient man!

I don't know if I'm that patient. I just tried my best at being married. I should of got out years ago. But the more I reached the end of my tether, the more the good times came back, and then the more we went in circles/cycles of behaviour.

It was when I had a seizure last year bought on by work and marital stress that I realised I needed to make changes. Funnily enough she did look after me, she drove me everywhere (you cant drive for 6 months after a seizure)... . but a month or so after the 6 months was up, it all started again.

I agree with what you say about them living with it for longer. I hope for my wife's sake that when she finally starts a new life her health may improve. But, it's unlikely

Imj72 - please hang in there... there is a better future out there... .

[gallerykey]

Cozmo, thankyou.

I know all his previous relationships have been the same (now i know) so i know all his next ones will be too (which is sad) but why cant I accept this?

All I can think right now is if i dont go to sleep until some god awful hour then i wont wake til late so have less time alone? But I know this wont happen as I wont sleep any way.

I have lost 10lbs in the last 3 weeks (ok not a bad thing) but this should be cos i want to not cos its happened from this!

I want to learn to live again but just dont have the strength to pull myself out of the pit he left me in, if that makes sense. I dont miss him as such with the endless lies, hurtful comments, push/pull etc... . so dont get why i still feel this utter crap about it all?

I know I played a part in this drama or it never would of happened but it really seems bizarre that for however many BPDs there are, theres as many people with codependancy or such likes to give them the food to feed off.

Cant see myself ever giving ME to someone ever again... .

[Moonie75]

Basically you feel like you've had a leg or arm amputated. The mental aspect (accepting, adapting etc) of losing a limn takes far longer to recover from than the actual event!

Part of you is missing & you have to work out how to adapt outlook on life to compensate.

[Moonie75]

I sat down tonight & made a list of things I like about myself & things I don't. It was actually good time spent & reading back through it made me feel a bit better on a lonely Friday night.

Good qualities

1. I'm good at my job & still lucky enough to have a sense of pride when I stand back & look at the finished result (self employed panel beater & paint sprayer).

2. I'm a very good drummer & still get the 'buzz' i first got when I watched drummers as a little boy when my older brothers would sneak me into gigs. I don't come from a musical family but music flows through my veins from somewhere & it's a passion that'll never die. I've never auditioned for a band & not got the job. I know I can hold my own against anyone else on a drum kit. And if two bass drums are allowed, I'll batter em!

3. I make friends easily & don't struggle to keep them (unlike my ex).

4. I'm pleasant & respectful with good manners & social skills.

5. I'm outgoing & generally speaking I'll be up for it.

Bad qualities

1. I'm not good at setting & holding boundaries (probably because I'm not confrontational)

2. I always put others first (long thought this was a good quality & was proud of it. But realized it's actually me not valuing myself enough).

3. I'm too much of a people pleaser & don't allow myself to be selfish occasionally.

4. I think too much!


I concluded that overall, I might not be perfect, but if you were sat with me on a long haul flight you'd probably have a good time. That's a good start & I'm happy to work on the not so good bits as a 'work in progress'.

[Moonie75]

I know I played a part in this drama or it never would of happened but it really seems bizarre that for however many BPDs there are, theres as many people with codependancy or such likes to give them the food to feed off.

Cant see myself ever giving ME to someone ever again... .

Imj,

You need to try to believe that there are still wonderful people out there for us. People who will give ALL of them to us in a healthy way. AND they will love ALL of who we are. 'The more you put in the more ya get back' as they say. Ok so we got short changed this time & it hurts like hell. But we were very unlucky & next time we will be better educated & experienced in 'red flag' spotting. We'll meet that person that has genuine full healthy no holes barred love for us.

Honest we will!   

[Emelie Emelie]

The Bloomin Weekend is right.  Always my hardest time.  And this weekend is especially hard because it's this whole weekend event with his friends.  And he has an ex-girlfriend in town so I assume he's with her.  Tough.  I sometimes wonder what he told everybody?  I try and keep busy but tonight I'm just beat so I'm going to stay in and try and read a good book or something.  Try not to think too much.  Hah!  Wish me luck on that!  I'm shifting though.  I was missing all the good things so desperately.  Now I'm starting to think more about the not so good things.  About all the painful things that happened in the relationship.  It doesn't feel good to remember all that but I think it's an important part for me to process.  Because there was a lot of painful stuff.  I started to feel like his personal whipping girl.  Something that came to mind, and this wasn't even a big deal:  On Father's Day he was very depressed and upset because his son hadn't called him to make plans to see him.  I called mid-morning... . said hi, how are you doing?  He started yelling at me.  How the F do you think i'm doing?  It's Father's Day and I haven't heard from my son.  Etc.  About an hour later he called me back all chipper.  He said I'm doing much better.  Son called and we're going fishing.  Really looking forward to the day.  Etc.  I hung up and thought, glad you're doing much better.  How about an apology for taking all your crap out on me?  It was stuff like that all the time.  It seemed the longer we were together the less able he was to keep his anger and irritability under control in terms of directing it at me.  I even remember at the very beginning... . and I don't remember what prompted it, but I told him one night... . you know you're very critical of me sometimes.  I'm not sure where that's coming from but it hurts my feelings.  He apologized all over the place.  The next day he called and said I thought more about what you said and I want you to know I'm really going to try and be aware of that.  It's just that I care about you so much... . blah, blah, blah.  Of course at that point I wasn't aware of the BPD.  That I was just seeing the tip of the freaking iceberg.  A couple of weeks ago I was just dying to see him and have him hold me and be together again.  Now I think about being with him and lighting him up for all the crap.  Is this progress  ?

[gallerykey]

Oh I hope ur right, cant imagine going through the rest of my life like this.

I loved ur list and felt it was almost my own list. Seems sad it comes down to making lists just to see we are good decent people though.

I have almost survived Friday night, only the rest of the frigging weekend to go .

The rational side of me knows its all going to explode yet again and i am so much better out of it, just cant ever imagine being with someone in a normal healthy relationship yet that is all i want. I have alot to offer someone (yep me being positive) but cant picture someone wanting me (make sense?)

Does it sound shallow or sad that really all I want right now is a proper hug, just to feel someone close to me, it is the lonliness that gets me, guess i gotta learn to loe myself before anyone else can. Im trying so hard to learn the right way out of this madness :-)  But also proud at 27 days NC when  I honestly couldnt see me doing 3 days, goes to show im stronger than i thought huh

[Moonie75]

Emelie,

YES! This is land mark stuff!  You're almost out of your F.O.G!

Your recovery will speed up & gather pace now you're seeing those moments first instead of the good illusions.