bfBPD threatens/abuses

[Black]

Hi Everyone,

As the subject clearly says it I am being threatened and abused by my bf with non diagnosed BPD. We have been together for almost 4 years and have had an on off relationship the whole time basically. The threatening is real and he has also abused me pysically and sexually and obviously emotionally. He doesn't apologize for his behaviour but simply states that it is my own fault and that I made him this way and that I should start to 'behave'. So basically act as if nothing is going on and continue to 'love' him.

I come from a muslim family and in my culture it is not normal to have a boyfriend or have sex before marriage so he is threatening to come to my house and tell my family everything. He is also threatening me with, murder, suicide, burning my face etc.

So my problem is, the No Contact issue doesn't work for me, because he just becomes more agressive and angry.

At the moment I am being forced to meet up with him, kiss him, touch him, answer all his stupid questions and tell him everywhere I go and everything I do. So the only option I can see right now is to follow the following article, which states that I should act depressed, not give in to discussions or give my opinion and that eventuelly he will get bored with me. I just hope that this article (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm) really does help and eventually he will get 'bored' and leave me! Do any of you have experience following this tactic? Do persons with BPD get bored with you?

Or any other advice is always welcome.

Black

[Surnia]

  Black

it is really a bad situation you are in. 

I would not rely only on this article.

In my opinion you need more support. I would really recommend you to call as soon as possible a DV Helpdesk. Its not a shame to do so.

[Black]

Hi Surnia!

Yes it is a very bad situation. The thing with contacting the police or any other organisation is that I know what they are going to tell me. Either it will be leaving my house to a shelter or going to the police and all of these have the consequense of my family finding out about everything and me hurting them. That is why I want this to end without anyone (besides me or him) getting hurt.

You said that I shouldn't rely on this article alone, is it because you don't think it will help or persons with BPD don't work like that?

Has anyone else had experience with a similiar situation and still was able to get out of the relationship?

Will keep you updated.

Black

[Surnia]

Hi Black

I can relate with your wish that the relation would end without anyone of you get hurt.

What I meant about the article is: The article is good and helpful but not a 100% recipe that following all the advices, your SO will get bored and leave. I think his issues are quite serious and dangerous.

As for another organisation:  A helpdesk for domestic violence is there to find the best option for you and with you. They will also bear in mind your situation according different religion/culture.  And nothing would happen against your will. You can have a talk with them and there is no obligation.

These are my thoughts behind my recommendation.

[CatBlack]

The article looks like a good one for dealing with some BPD issues but you need to look at the whole thing - it advises getting support from family and authorities if you know your former partner is violent. I think it's great advice for detaching yourself from someone who is feeding off of your emotional drama, but if you are in physical danger none of that matters until you can get somewhere safe.

Please please please contact your local women's center or DV shelter about this. Tell them your cultural issues and your need for confidentiality, but please tell someone real and local and in person. Someone needs to know that this is happening, and your local DV shelter could advise you better than anyone on an anonymous Internet forum. 

[eternity75]

Hi Black,

I can tell you from personal experience living with an abusive BPD father that this situation will not get better without some outside help. Relying on an article in which you hope to bore him until he leaves is not a wise idea. That article could apply to someone whose life is not in danger, but you need to take his threats seriously. My mother stayed 25 years with my father, and she did exactly what the abuser counts on, she isolated herself from family because she was ashamed to admit the truth to them and have them know about the abuse. I am sure your family would rather have a daughter who is alive, healthy and well than one who isn't. Think about this for a moment: if he followed through with any of his threats to kill or burn you, how much more would your family hurt by what happens to you? They will be blindsided by finding out not only of your relationship but also by the fact that you are now seriously injured or dead, and having to cope with you not coming to them for help. I realize it is extremely difficult in your circumstances to tell your family what has been happening, or have them find out through other means, but you need to think about taking care of yourself first.

After 25 years of extreme abuse at the hands of my father, my mother's life is pretty much ruined. She has an extreme case of ptsd. She will never get back those years. She trusts no one and has developed paranoia of everyone. She stayed because he also promised her if she left him, her kids would be visiting her grave. In 25 years she never called the police until the last incident of abuse. She always hoped someone else would notice something was wrong and would report him, but no one ever did. Involving a woman's shelter, police, and your family as support is not shameful. It may feel that way at first, but in this case it is probably the smartest thing you can do.

Best of luck with your decision and God Bless.

[Black]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all for your support and advice! I understand what you all mean that I shouldn´t rely on one article, but I did/do because it was the best option for me. But I have been investigating what will happen when I do go to the police and what kind of shelters they are offering or if it is even possible for me to go there.

I will give you a quick update on how things are going with soBPD: I have been acting depressed at all times around him, acted like I don't care about anything, didn't go into any discussions etc. And his response to all this was being concerned about me, trying to make me eat, asking me whatever I wanted to do to cheer me up, acting very sweet and kind. He even said that if he was the reason for me being like this he would leave me immediatly and that he'd rather die then seeing me like this. He said that he couldn't live in uncertainty.

I don't know if I should trust what he is saying, maybe he is trying to test me? I don't know.

Also, I'm kinda sure he is 'cheating' on me as well. Maybe that's  my way out? But it's so weird, even though I want to leave him 100%, the fact that he is seeing someone behind my back makes me so angry and jealous? Is it normal to feel this way?

I'm so confused, not about if I want to leave him or not, but what his intentions are. Will he leave me when I say that it is his fault or he is trying to test me?

Eternity75: You are 100% right about what you are saying. My sister said the same things when I finally had the courage to tell her what was going on. She was mad at me for not telling her sooner and I know my mother will be too. But I want to leave that as the last option. He is not being violent at the moment, but he could be I know.

[Black]

Update:

We had a talk with him yesterday and he asked several times what the reason behind me being depressed was. And that the longer I kept quite the more he got suspicious of me. He kept pushing the question and asked me if I still wanted to leave the relationship. I said yes. He said ok, why didn't you just tell me. I will leave you, just finish my thesis. The moment that is done, I will leave you... it's all in your hands.

Then when I was about to leave, he opened up. And was kinda aware of his illness. He said that if he went to a psychologist they would declare him crazy and that he knew that. He said that he had to keep all his loved ones at a distant because he was hurting us (me and his parents). All was good.

After I left, he called me 3 times but I didn't hear it (busy doing groceries) and when I finally picked up the phone he went crazy on me. Started yelling why the hell I didn't pick up my phone and what I was doing... and finally said the deal is off. Everything I told you a couple of hours ago is a lie. I told him what he meant. He said I'm not going to leave you, not today, not tomorrow... never. My heart just sank. I felt the urge to yell at him and tell him I hated him and that he was liar. But I didn't... .I kept my cool. But I was devestated.

Now he is telling me to stop being depressed and just 'behave' once again. I'm lost. I'm trying to find information what makes all the BPD'ers leave their SO and why mine won't. How should I act, to make him leave. How do you make a BPD'er paint you black.

He sais he hates me so much, but the second he sees me he loves me and he pity's me (for being depressed).

What to do?

[Surnia]

These are bad news. Sounds that you are living between hope and despair.

Its really difficult for me to answer your question what to do, bc making somebody leave is really against my approach.

What I am wondering about: Is there no pressure from your family to marry him and having kids?

[Black]

Hi Surnia,

May I ask why you are against it? What do you think I should do?

Well, my mother knows about me dating him, but she never really liked him. As for my dad... he doesn't know anything. And that is what soBPD is threathening me with.

I don't know if my dad would make me marry him, since we had premarrital sex and if he were to tell my dad this... I don't know what my dad would do.

My parents are both ill, my dad has hearth problems (heart attack survivor) and my mom has cirrhosis (non functional liver) and I know that hearing this will make them both very sick. This is why I want to leave this as my last option.

[Surnia]

May I ask why you are against it? What do you think I should do?

My personal approach is, if I want something or want end something I have to take responsibility and find ways to do it. In your case find a way and a strategy to leave/end this relationship. Your culture is different than mine, so I don't know what to advise.

Do you have female friends you can talk with?

[Black]

Dear Surnia,

What you are saying is exactly what I am trying to do. I am trying to find a way to end this relationship. Obviously leaving the relationship was my first attempt, but it got ugly. I am trying to do it without hurting anyone and the way for me to do this is to make him see that ending this relationship is the best way.

Yes I have told my sister, niece and a female friend of mine. They try to cheer me up.

[Surnia]

Yes I have told my sister, niece and a female friend of mine. They try to cheer me up.

What are they saying you could do?

[Black]

They don't know what to do either. That is why I am here.