And so on it went until he delivered the ultimate in pain...

[Nearlybroken]

I posted yesterday about an incident with my expwBPD.I had hoped that he had exhausted himself in terms of delusional nasty malicious lies, criticisms and put downs.I was wrong.Following yet more utterly ludicrous allegations, warped views and relationship re-writes via text message ( he seems to favour this method of communication over all others bar shouting at me when he sees me) I turned off my phone.I normally do not do this as my father is ill and I need to be available at all times.So I hope that this shows just how emotionally exhausted I was with the whole thing.I cried for a while and did the old "why me?What did I do wrong?Why can't he see what he is doing to me?Why does he target only me?" etc.Deep down I know all the answers to these questions but I struggle so much with the venom of it all.I struggle with not being able to tell people the truth.I struggle with the constant feeling of sickness in my stomach, the crying at the drop of a hat.I can only presume that he was annoyed because (for once) I didnt respond because he turned up at our house.I was sleeping and the first I knew was that there were noises downstairs.I was terrified.I genuinely thought it was an intruder.I was utterly paralysed  with fright.I couldnt move as I heard footsteps coming up the stairs.Just outside the bedroom door he said "It's me.Did I scare you?".I was sobbing at this point and managed only to say "Yes".His response " Good... . now you will know how it will feel if you are burgled and I am not around.I have come for some clothes".I responded with "Ok but could you leave after as I need to sleep".( I did not have the energy to point out that scaring someone like that was sick).And then he started... . most of the usual... . I am a controlling bhit, spiteful etc etc.Some utterly ludicrous things that were almost laughable and then the old " It is your fault I got ill (  he was diagnosed  with GAD and depression shortly following the still birth of our daughter but the symptoms were there way before that) as you couldn't keep our child alive.Actually, you are such a bhit that you probably took something to get rid of it."

I am sure that I do not need to explain to all you lovely people what a blow to my heart that was... . I have never wanted anything more that to have a child and was beyond destroyed by the loss of my daughter.I would like to find the words to tell you all the effect of that comment but there are none.

I tried to remain as calm as possible and said "I think we both know that to be untrue".I am not a violent woman but I can honestly say that at this point I could have easily hit him.he hadn't finished though... . " pretending to be all upset at the hospital, crying like a drama queen and asking the doctor if she was alive when you knew full well she wasnt" ( I did do this as, even though she died inside me I was so desperate for it all to be a mistake)." It was all about you and this crap you wear round your neck so people will ask you about it is stupid" ( the priest at the hospital gave me a small crucifix to put in my daughters hand and told me to wear it so I would always have her touch on my skin.I hav eworn it every day since.I do not tell anyone why.) "You are full of religious s***e but God didnt help you then did he".

I just crumbled and have not stopped weeping since.His parting shot " Now why don't you let me **** off out of your life and let me start living mine".Left house.Silence since.

I just cannot understand why anyone would treat another human being that way... . such calculated malice and words that will haunt me for the rest of my life.I am so distressed that I have vomited all day and cannot stop shaking.I cannot envisage me ever getting over this... . and I worry what will happen if I don't.NB.x

[patientandclear]

NB ... . I am so sorry. That's about the most hurtful thing one person can say to another.

In a way, does the extreme nature of the cruelty help you to see how broken he is?  He obviously is hurt. He attributes the cause to you because of his profound dysfunction.  It's almost random. He is lashing out to try to externalize the source of the pain. It would be handy for him if what he said were true & your awfulness were the cause of his pain. Since it's not true, his strategy for getting relief from his suffering won't work, & as well, he will have damaged your r/s & presumably lost you.


There's no doubt about how sad it is, but I hope you can see how this is not something you caused, could have prevented or avoided ... . it is not about you, not in the least.

It has helped me to reflect that my pwBPD is going to flee from & hurt the person in his life whom he loves the most & who is best to him. That person may be me ... . but that won't change the outcome, indeed, it may make it more severe & inexplicable. Point is, the fact that this happens is no indictment of your value or importance to this person. It's just that value & importance cause him to have extreme fears that he doesn't know how to deal with except with these very damaging pain relief strategies.

My heart goes out to you.     

[Just Stumbling Along]

I am sorry that you went through this.  This is horrible.

I came to the realization, with my uBPD xW, that there is a kind of negative mirroring.  In the beginning, she was able to discover everything I thought was good, decent, etc and reflect it back to me.  In a similar way, later she discovered every weakness or fear.  When she wanted to hurt me, that is what she used to strike with.  She always seemed to be able to inflict the most pain possible.  I don't know why they need to hurt us (different thoughts and theories), but it seems that they do and it is usually all out. 

I had to learn that all of it means nothing.  All of the terrible things she said has nothing to do with me.  No truth.  Just the most terrible thing that she could say at that moment.  Much like earlier when she said all of the nice and great things.  No truth. Just what she said at that time to further her purposes.

I hope that you have someone to help you get through this, T or close friends.  The less contact I had, the better I began to feel.

Wishing you the best. 

[peas]

Yeah. I think most of the harsh words pwBPD say to us are said in desperation and it's hard because we can't "unhear" them. And they strike so personally. PwBPD are talented at exploiting our individual weaknesses. No matter what it is, the pwBPD just goes there.

I think there is some underlying truth to some of (not all) their harsh words, however unfair and distorted, but I don't think they want those feelings that they turn into verbal poison. They just have those feelings that come up and they can't regulate and they begin grasping for something to feel less bad about a situation, and that means turning everything outward on a target. 

[starshine]

I'm so sorry you are going through this heartbreak and the continued abuse.  If there is any way to go NC with this man, it would most likely be for the best.

My uexbf did and said awful things when he dumped me, although yours does take the cake for extreme cruelty.  Mine told a mutual friend that he did and said the things he did out of malice- which makes me wonder if he also has ASPD.  He just wanted to be an ___hole and push me away as fast as he could- which worked.  We were together for 5 years, lived together for 4.  I didn't go back to work things out- I have to much love and respect for myself.

[GreenMango]

Oh man he's losing it.

I'm sorry.

Can you stay with some friends or family while he gets his stuff out?  Can you get help to pack his stuff and put it at the other place so doesn't have a reason to come around? 

What about blocking his texts and calls with your provider?

Nobody needs to hear crap like that.

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you all for your words.It means so much to have people take the time to read my posts and offer advice.I know that I shouldnt take things personally and I should take into account the BPD but it is so hard for me.I have never fallen out with anyone in my life, never had an altercation and most certainly never been in a relationship where someone feels it is acceptable to direct abuse at me.The strangest bit for me is that I seem to have made things worse by being in a position to counter all that he says and the opinions he has of me.I have always told him the truth but he never accepts anything but his interpretation.In any senario, if he got to the point where he was unable to continue with his interpretations, he would simply swop and apply another equally warped view to the situation.For example... .a time when he thought I was controlling him by asking him what time he would be home so I could start dinner he twisted it to make out I was trying to control his day.When he eventually accepted that I simply wanted to have a meal ready for him : "Well, if you are not trying to control me you are trying to get me to think you are".Just to be on the safe side he came home an hour later than he said... .and then complained that the food was dry from being in the oven too long *sighs*.

God only knows what will happen when I start to move his stuff... .he has already accused me of using his clothing and furniture "against him" ( whatever that means).He comes out with things that are so distorted that, at times, I really cannot understand what he means.I know that I am in for a rough ride with this split but I guess I just have to find some strength... .I would like to say that there is nothing more he could do to hurt me but I know he will have a damn good try.I am changing the locks today... .that will instigate the mother of all kick offs.For some reason he is able to say and do whatever he wants but when I react in the way any normal person would react he turns this into me bullying him and makes me feel guilty.He is very very good at manipulating me and I need to find out how to stop it.I am on medication at the moment for reactive depression and am seeing a therapist.But I am at the stage where my thoughts and feelings are so jumbled I cannot articulate them.And because I am so used to walking on eggshells I am wary of saying things to the therapist in case I offend her.How nuts is that?

I think a lot of my guilt stems from the fact that I know deep down he is very very ill.And he is getting worse.I have been there when he has been sobbing, I have seen the drawings that he did for his therapist in a bid to show how he was feeling ( they were very dark  and made him look so scared and vulnerable ),I have coaxed him out of panic attacks. I have seen the notes his therapist made which showed that he was fighting not to let the BPD hurt me .I don't know... .maybe because I have seen the vulnerable side I feel guilty about taking any action against the nasty side of him.As it seems like it is only I who he both opens up to and rages against it is difficult to explain to people why I stay.he really does hide it from everyone else.I took some steps last night that I will later post about ... .all necessary, all heartbreaking.NB.x

[eeyore]

I'm sorry.  Those were extremely hurtful things he said too you.  Remember that old childhood saying sticks and stones?  I disagree with that saying-- I think words can emotionally hurt us.  If it were me I'd need to get away from the situation for a mental health day to say the least.  It has helped me to know my own Truth.  I have seen how distorted a person can get when they are upset and the when they calm down they can't even remember what horrible things they said.  By knowing my truth I was able to be stronger and more self reliant.  We humans are all fragile and should treat one another with respect, especially from ourselves. 

[clairedair]

nearlybroken - I am so sorry to hear that you have had to deal with this abuse at a time when your father is ill.  I've been reading posts around here for years and thought that nothing could still shock me but your post certainly did.  To have you terrified that you had an intruder in the house and then talk about your daughter in the way he did beggars belief.  You have been through enough. 

Yeah. I think most of the harsh words pwBPD say to us are said in desperation and it's hard because we can't "unhear" them. And they strike so personally. PwBPD are talented at exploiting our individual weaknesses. No matter what it is, the pwBPD just goes there.

I understand that you have seen him in terrible pain and that it seems like you are the only one he opens up to but peas is right about it being incredibly difficult for us to 'unhear' the words thrown at us.  We may know that it's not personal but it sure feels like it!  And the more you hear and are subject to this, the longer it could take you to heal. 

Do you have friends and family around for support or are they not aware of what's been going on because he puts on a good front to everyone else?

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you for the words.Our families know nothing of what has gone on other than that my ex had depression and was in therapy via his work.I have not told our families as they are close and I wanted to protect them from the reality of what was happening behind closed doors.Our friends,well, I have told some people some things but they were getting impatient with me and couldnt quite believe the things that I chose to disclose.So I stopped confiding.It just became all to crazy and abusive to reveal.And sometimes even I struggled to understand what was going on.My ex presents to everyone as a lovely friendly and funny man.He is so good at keeping up appearances that at times I have questioned MY sanity.He has two totally conflicting demeanours... .one for the world and one for me.So, no, no-one knows what has been going on.His BPD has totally isolated me.Were it not for this forum I do not know what I would do.But I am so grateful for the comfort I get from being in this community.It has saved my life.NB.xx

[eeyore]

My ex presents to everyone as a lovely friendly and funny man.He is so good at keeping up appearances that at times I have questioned MY sanity.

As you have read this is common for the non to have this experience.  I went to two different T's wanting to know if there was something wrong with me.  What I could improve.  The first one asked me to do some internet searches, which lead me to this forum.  The second one was more forthcoming and specifically named BPD.  While I have things to work on, both asked me questions.  Why was I there, what was I reading, how was I coping.  All said I was doing mostly what a girlfriend or wife would do.  However, since this isn't a healthy relationship we had to examine why.   

[Take2]

 

I'm so sorry for your pain and what he has put you through... .that is truly awful... . as someone said here, they do have an uncanny ability to pinpoint our absolute weakest spots and attack us there to hurt us as much as possible... .

I have been thru this kind of pain as my ex refused to come sit with me as I sat by my dad's bedside as he died 9 months ago... .my ex opted to go out on a 2nd date instead and call me on his way there to literally yell at me how awful I am for asking him to come sit with me and all the other delusional crapola that he's made up for why I'm a horrible person... .  I honestly never knew I could feel such deep pain in one night... .

I can tell you that you will obviously recover, but you won't and shouldn't forget it... . even if they are just trying to take their own pain out of their head and put it on us to relieve themselves, it's still not acceptable.  If they are so able to control themselves around other people, then they need to do so around us... .  you do not deserve to be abused in such a truly terrible way.   I feel so sad that you don't have anyone there you can tell in your life but you are in a good supportive environment here... . no one deserves to be put thru that... . 

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you both for your words.Take 2: my ex also did a similar thing with me as I sat watching an elderly relative die.he refused to answer his phone and when I texted him to say she had passed I got nothing back until hours later simply indicating he had been busy.No "sorry for your loss" or anything.Total lack of empathy.I know I deserve better and have tried to set boundries in the past but whenever I try to speak he simply shouts me down,twists what I say, makes lies up to support his twisted views.There is simply no talking to him unless it is about him, how he feels.It is acceptable for him to air his opinions and vent his frustrations but I was simply not allowed to have any views that contradicted his.And when his views are that I am a horrible person I find it difficult not to react.reacting only makes it worse as he feels the need to heap more BS on me to justify his initial view.Not reacting doesnt work with him either as if I do not react then he must be right.Lose Lose situation.

Eeyore:I am in therapy currently but am not doing too well.The first few sessions I just cried.But I am so used to walking on eggshells that I struggle to speak openly with the therapist in case I offend her.Madness.However we have established that none of my reactions are different to the way a normal person would react so that is a start.I am also on medication now which is taking the edge off a little.It will be small steps I guess but I have to make sure that my ex does not trip me up along the way.It's hard though to be in so much pain and feel so defeated by everything.I am sick of feeling miserable.NB.xx

[eeyore]

It's hard though to be in so much pain and feel so defeated by everything.I am sick of feeling miserable.NB.xx

This is the reason you will eventually have to make a decision.  Too much pain and unhappiness will dictate making a decision. 

Be kind to yourself.   

[clairedair]

NB - I was about to pick out the quote about questioning your own sanity when I saw that Eeyore had already done so.  She's right - it's a common experience.  I spent some time with exH yesterday (we have children but minimal contact so this was unusual). He was so pleasant with me that I began to doubt my reality but I have memories similar to yours, eeyore's and Take2's of him having been nastiest to me when I needed him most.  

I don't wish him ill (well, not all the time ) and I do think I will never fully appreciate what he has to deal with but I tried to stay with him for years and things just got worse and I became more and more damaged - I'm only realising now just how much. I have to work out why I stayed.

I am sorry that you have no close friends/family you can confide in - it's not just that you are dealing with this on your own (apart from support here), but also that you are dealing with the false reality seen by others close to you whom you are protecting.  That is exhausting.  

Getting out of the 'FOG' is vital.  I've had a look at your other thread and see that you have taken some very difficult steps forward - not easy, so give yourself some credit for starting to protect yourself instead of others.

take care

Claire

[123Phoebe]

Hi Nearlybroken,

I am so sorry to hear what you've been going through and what you're up against when trying to cope with your guy.

In my case, it's my mother with the sharp tongue that goes straight for the jugular.  I realize it's her own pain being unleashed on me, doesn't make it any easier to listen to though... .on so many wacky levels.

What helped me, and this might sound crazy (oh well), was to repeat some of her venom out loud to my dog   I COULDN'T DO IT!  I could not aim something so funky toward an innocent creature.  And that really helped me to realize the breadth of difference between us and not take what she was saying personally or even seriously.  I, of course, felt bad for her having to deal with so much pain and went through more detachment techniques to not let that sadness (her sadness) affect other aspects of my life.  It's like I-yi-yi, when will all of this pain and confusion end?

It's a process.  For me, it was a process of separating my stuff from her stuff and giving into the grieving that needed to happen.  Detachment is a process.  And detachment does not mean never seeing or speaking to someone again.  It's untangling ourselves from their skewed reality and getting into super good touch with our own.

Have you processed your own grief over the loss of your child?  What a tremendous loss for you  

Please allow yourself to grieve and let yourself off the hook of his ugly words/behaviors.  He does not define your reality.  His is disordered and warped; he can have it.

As far as wanting other people (friends and family) to understand where you're coming from... .  They simply can't.  They have no clue.  And it is not your job to get them to understand, or their place to 'get it'.  I don't mean that to sound harsh, it's unfortunately the reality of it.  They can't possibly understand the pain you're in.  They have their own reality where he is concerned.

It sounds like you're taking the steps to protect yourself-- good!  Keep going forward knowing that there will be setbacks.  Be very kind to you.

We're all here for you and we do understand

Take good care,

Phoebe

[babyducks]

NearlyBroken,

I am so very sorry to read what you have been subjected to.  I wish from the bottom of my heart to find a way to offer you an emotional cocoon where you could retreat for a while to be protected, comforted and safe. 

I know from personal experience how difficult it is to make an emotional cocoon for ourselves when we are in the middle of, or on the receiving end of, a BPD outburst.  Sometimes my emotional cocoon had only a few wisps of silk in the weave.  No matter how I built my own personal cocoon my BPD could always find a way to rip through it.   Yes, another symptom of the disorder.

I realize that things must feel absolutely horrible now,... and they should.  You are under siege from several different angles,  the losses you have experienced are enormous. 

To paraphrase my favorite author, think about finding a way to go on for just one more minute, finding a way to be good to yourself, and then find another minute and another way, and then another.  I am not going to tell you that it gets better,  because frankly I suspect you would be skeptical and with good reason.

I will promise you that after you add up those minutes you will find yourself in a different place.  And that you will be a different person than you were.  And then you get to look around and see what's there with you.

That's recovery.  That's healing for me.

Your EX has made it very clear that you can no longer share your life with him without damaging yourself.  Its good you have recognized those signs.  You are doing a good job taking steps to care for yourself.  I believe it will take a little while for you to see the fruits of your efforts but they will pay off. 

Please accept my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your daughter.

babyducks

[saw_tooth]

Hi Nearlybroken,

First off,let 1-2 close and trusted friends of yours(not  his and your common friends but your friends) know that the man is sick and that you might need their help if he does get abusive.Have a support system ready and use it to be safe even if it means 'exposing' him to the world.

Second off,please realize and understand that the mean and hurtful things they say is merely a reflection of their inner self-loathing and has nothing to do with you.Do not take it personally or rage about it because it serves no real purpose other than agonizing you.

Also decide if you want him to be a part of your life.

Good luck.