We accidently met his ex g/f - he couldnt handle it - am out the house again

[connect]

Hi Guys,

Am feeling really low - came on here to talk to some people who understand.

The back story his ex g/f is one of those ones that they keep around as "friends" (ie to get triangulation, admiration, validation, back burner etc) It caused nothing but trouble for about 11 months (she still loved him and wanted him back and constantly tried to do this) - eventually he cut contact with her but their kids are best friends so he still has some contact. Its a VERY sensitive subject for us both - esp me as I tried to meet her in the beginning many times as I thought thats what friends did but him and her were not interested in it so it never happenned... . red flag... . blah blah... He always wanted to keep the two worlds apart. LOADS of rows over it.

Anyway today him, I and his child were swimming and bumped into her and her children. He told me he felt awkward and he was very agitated - I told him I was ok with it. Eventually they started speaking and I left them to it for a bit but then thought I would man up and put water under the bridge. This was a big thing for me as in the past she did nothing but deliberatly try to break us up for months and nearly succeeded.

He was agitated by us both being there, I wanted to draw a line under it and also I thought it would help the situation if at least one of us was a grown up. I went over to them and he didnt introduce me (normal with him - he is bad at introductions) so i said "Hi - I'm Connect - pleased to meet you" and shook her hand (I should have had a medal for that in my opinion!) All was fine. He went off to the loo and I made small talk with her for a bit about her kids until he came back. We carried on swimming normally and he seemed to be more relaxed (even more so when she had gone)

Came out the pool and found them chatting outside. Again I was nice and said goodbye to her when she left. We held hands and then I went off to get a present for his son that I had promised I would buy him on the way to swimming - met them back at the van. Also I wanted 5 mins space as I found the whole "being a grown up" a bit tough but a necessary evil to make it easier for us in the future as she will keep popping up at parties etc and I dont want an atmosphere and it triggers him too. As we travelled home he became more and wound up. I said I know that was an awkward situation for both of us but I think we did well. Arriving home he threw the newly bought and uneaten takeaway food in the bin and started raging.

These are the things he said:

I was sarcastic when I introduced myself aparently I said "Hi! I'm Connect!" and acted b*tchy like I was staking my claim

I was being manipulative by talking to her

When he said he felt awkward I should have known that he didnt want me to talk to her and so I should have just let him speak to her alone the whole time

Me talking to her was like kicking him and crushing him and ignoring his feelings

He knows I am madly in love with him and he wished he felt the same way about me (thanks)

He has been trying for months on this r/s but I keep kicking him when he's down and he is lost the will

He thinks I should go and find someone else who likes being treated the way I treat him - I should go away and have some fun

I am manipulative like all women and he needed to keep us apart as she is like that too

He cant go out with me in public as I am so jealous

I am horrible to him by talking to her and he doesnt believe anything I say

Tried to use the tools but jaded a bit (a normal guy would have thanked me I am SURE for being the bigger person in this situation) I got a bit angry but reined it in. Cried a bit. He wanted me to leave so i left - said I would be back in four hours but i know he will not want me back - seen him like this before and if its about her its a 3 day silent treatment)

In my jading (sorry guys it just happened - I was blindsided and vulnerable) I told him we had spoken to each other nicely when he wasnt there and started telling him what we spoke about. He interrupted and said he didnt want to know and it would all be lies from me anyway. (slight worry here that she could tell him I was a cow and he would believe her but I so so SOO was nice) He revealed that she came to his sons birthday party after all (he told me she wasnt coming) and I think that was his fear that I would find out when we spoke alone! Of course that p*sses me off too.

So yeah - I should have gone before the rage kicked in - but when he was asking me to go to my friends initially I didnt even know what I was supoossed to have done wrong, I thought I would be getting a cream cake from him for my grown up behaviour in the situation and instead I got a custard pie in the face.

I did leave (but mostly because I was pushed to leave) and am just feeling ___. Am so upset. Am so sick of everything being my fault and everything I say being twisted.

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[connect]

Hi,

My last post may have been a bit "venty" ... .

Am due to go back to his in a minute and have no idea what I will find on my return. My clothes in a bin liner on the doorstep? A "you're dumped" speach? Him not even being at his house?

Think I am just gutted as this feels like such a step back for me. I had been using the tools well and even left in a rage once (the first time I had done it and it worked) However because this subject was so personal for me and I felt i had totally been the decent person in it all I was really knocked for six by it. Ended up hanging around longer then i should and hearing hurtful stuff. Not good for me.

Also just last night he was saying how good things have been between us recently - I was starting to relax around him, we were planning things together.

The wierd thing is this is the stuff he says about me - he says that he is always waiting for the other shoe to drop with me every few weeks. I feel like I am the crazy one today. I know I am not but being told it's me that causes it has really started to cloud my judgement. See... . its a step back - I used to feel like this ages ago and thought I was coming out of it with the help of this board. Logic doesnt work with them but this was so clear cut that I couldnt see how he failed to realise that my intentions were good.

Dont know why I am posting really as havent asked a question as such. Its just so good to come on here when this stuff happens.

[an0ught]

Hi connect,

dealing with ex is never easy particularly in a volatile relationship  .

Hi,

My last post may have been a bit "venty" ... . 

Am due to go back to his in a minute and have no idea what I will find on my return. My clothes in a bin liner on the doorstep? A "you're dumped" speach? Him not even being at his house?

you being upset causes you to think in b&w terms. You were being triggered and considering a painful back-story that would not be unusual. With a pwBPD on the other side and us feeding the conflict things quickly spiral out of control. In this case you got burned. Right now your abandonment kicks in. As does your jealousy. Difficult to stay calm and maybe impossible  . Yes you hurt him but from what it sounds you were the one who was hurt more badly so assuming that he acts out is our upset mind acting out.

Take a walk, get some fresh air, talk to a calmer person... .

When you get back keep in mind that you were struggling with overwhelming emotions. Being honest and admitting weakness here can be validating and defusing.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Connect

How are you doing today? 

[connect]

Hello

Thanks so much for the replies - appreciated as ever.

My update is not so good unfortunately. Well initially it was good, but not now  :'(

I went back to his last night and he answered the door and gave me a great big hard hug. No apology for him asking me to leave earlier but a big hug. I stayed over - he acted like nothing had happened but he was a bit wild eyed in general and scatty. I kept the conversation on general topics and not about anything personal or triggering or about what happened. Went to bed fine but he wasnt cuddly but I cuddled him and he was fine with that.

This morning he woke up cranky again. As the day went on it got worse and worse. B*tchy comments from him. ie a man I know waved to me and I told my b/f who he was and how I knew him. My b/f snapped "You will notice Connect that I didnt feel the need to go and introduce myself to him!" One word answers from him, lots of mumbled comments about how ___ his life is and how he might as well let everyone control him and give up, how he feels like sitting down and crying etc. Very irratable and quite rude. I believe at this point he only wanted me there as his child was there and when his child went he would be raging. He slept for a while.

I stay at his place over 50% of the time (more recently) and tonight is a night I would always stay. While he was sleeping I packed some things up and put them in my car. I knew what would happen if I stayed as I could see his mood deteriating badly. He said that I had put him "back in the pit" and he didnt know how long it would take for him to get out of it. This is his biggest r/s fear that he thinks he is ok and then I apparently do something so damaging that he gets depression and withdraws from the world (this is b*lls - he has BPD - THAT'S why these things happen) He inferred I am the crazy one and I acted the way I did (politely introduced myself to someone) because I didnt take my pill that day. For the record this is also b*lls. I was precribed valium for the anxiety I got during the eleven days when he dumped me in June and I only have half a pill once a week and he knows this. I have never in my life taken valium before this BPD r/s and even coped with the deaths of both my parents 9 months apart without any!

So when his child was an hour away from going I sat down and told my bf that I love him. Said that I know he is upset and that I assume he would be better alone tonight and wanted to check in about that. He agreed. I said I would go now but that I was on the end of a phone if he needs me. Said I would not contact him til Tues eve when I would pop over and see how he is. He was receptive to this but as I started putting my shoes on (abandonment?) he snapped ":)ont think I am seeing you Tuesday because I'm not - I will see you on MY timescales not yours"

He managed to see me to the door and say goodbye civilly.

Am just exhausted from this. I know I was right to leave tonight as am sure if I had stayed after his child had left he would have been able to really let go and have a huge rage/dumping me session. He was really brewing one up. All the signs were there. It was very inconvenient for me to leave tonight but I sorted out a way to do it.

This silent treatment is going to go on for about a week at least I would say from past experience. This woman is the most triggering subject for us and he has the potential to dump me over this. It was good that I took the initiative and left pre-rage (second time only I have done this !) That makes me feel better about myself but am left with the usual feelings my end... Feeling pretty low atm.

Also I have begun to doubt myself again. He can be SOO convincing that its my fault. All I did was introduce myself to someone as it would have looked bad if I ignored them (and made the ongoing situation worse by me blatently ignoring them like I was making a point) and also as I wanted to put the whole sorry mess behind us and be a grown up. I hate that I end up doubting myself - I hate that I start to think it was my fault. Yuk.  

Lots of triggers for him coming up which may have set him off. First cbt assessment in 3 days. Also his child starts a new school the day after. The ex g/f used to smear campaign him and I think he wanted to get back in her good books so all the new parents at the new school see him as "good" - just guessing... .me talking to her could have sabotaged that in his eyes perhaps.

Anyway - back to limbo land. Upset, angry, p*ssed off and sad about it all.  :'(

[Grey Kitty]

 

His world is the twisted place it is. Your reality differs. Don't let him convince you that everything is your fault just because he doesn't have the emotional capacity to recognize that he is the cause of anything bad.

Live in your own reality.

And now that you are spending 2+ days away from him, take care of yourself and make your reality a good place for you, connect.

 GK

P.S. However triggering it was, you were being adult and reasonable when you introduced yourself to the exgf and were civil to her.