her response from her lawyer

[Eco]

So I got a response from my ex NPD/BPD yesterday regarding legitimation, the only thing she is fighting me on is changing my daughters last name to my last name( it currently is my ex's last name which is her ex husbands last name) she also is wanting sole legal and physical custody, I was asking for joint. I also received a child support worksheet filled out by her lawyer, it has how much I make a month but none of my expenses. the amount of child support is way higher than it should be and there is no way I can pay that much.

what can I expect next? it has to go before a judge now and he will look at both sides of paperwork and decide, correct?

my daughter is 6 months old. my ex has a lawyer and I don't, all visitation is at her house and she doesn't communicate with me about my daughter, dr apt , how my daughters around or where she is.

I plan on bringing in all the texts and emails to show what I have to deal with. any other things I should do for my court day?

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, you can't expect a reasonable offer or position from an entitled pwBPD (or one with other acting-out PDs).  And not from the lawyer either, after all, lawyers are paid to advise the clients but in the end they do what the clients pay them to do.   Accept that.  What you do is go in there and shine a light on the various facets of her actions and behaviors while simultaneously putting your best foot forward.

The financials are generally straightforward, just beware of being pressured to be the typical "remote parent with deep pockets".  It may turn out that way but don't enable it.

Point out how she has set herself up effectively as the monitor of supervised visitation but without any basis to do so.  There is no indication in your history that there is any reason to restrict your parenting.  It would be nice for you to state your case that due to her history of unreasonably blocking and severely limiting your parenting, then you should have substantial contact with your child due to her baseless lack of sharing your child.

In my state its every other weekend Fri to Sun and 1 day during the off week. I'm not sure if her being 5 months old will come into play.

This is likely what you may end up with.  However, don't let that be your first request to the court.  As I often say, "If you don't ask you certainly won't get, but if you do ask then maybe you'll get it or perhaps something close."  I'd suggest you ask for 50/50 at a minimum.  Odds are you won't get it but better to aim a little too high than a little too low.  Fathers often have an uphill struggle with parenting schedules, so best to start with the best you can get.

However, if your ex is saying you're dangerous or neglectful, court may first want some evaluations done promptly to clarify that issue.  If so then try to get the temp order to include language that once BOTH of you are evaluated then the temporary schedule will be updated and not wait for a final order.  (In my two year divorce case I had TWO reports, one recommending I move up to 50% parenting time and another recommending mother immediately lose her temporary custody, but court left the temp order as is with me having alternate weekends.)

One thing I noted in my case was that my court seemed most comfortable with 'standard' orders, they don't want to vary too far away, even with red flags.  (In my case, our first time in domestic court was when my ex sought protection for herself and son from me - after I had gotten protection from her in another court.  CPS said they had 'no concerns' about me so I got the typical alternate weekends and evening in between that most dads get.)

I'm assuming you've confirmed this is your child.  In these days of DNA testing it's a wise step to take.

[papawapa]

 You may have to pay for a paternity test to establish paternity if you were not married when your daughter was born. Once you legally establish you are her father getting the name change shouldn't be a problem.

It is pretty standard in a high conflict case for the petitioner to ask for full custody. Getting it is extremely rare unless she can prove you are an unfit parent. Document everything. Custody evaluations are expensive. If you cant afford one then the next best option is to ask for psych evals that include objective testing. Psych evals aren't cheap either but having both parents do them will help you in the end.

The state you live in will have guidelines for child support. You can find them online. The amount will depend on how parenting time is divided and will be a percentage of your income. So don't worry if she is asking for a huge chunk of your income.

You should prepare a response and ask for full legal and physical custody. The court will likely assign a GaL or some other advocate to represent your daughter. The judge will look at the evidence and issue a temporary order. Another future court date will be set so there is time for the court to get more information. Once the information is together the court will want the two of you to try mediation. If the two of you cannot come to an agreement through the mediator then the case will go to trial.

You need to focus on demonstrating patterns of behavior   that your ex has done that will endanger your daughters physical and or emotional well being.

[ForeverDad]

The state that eco's exGF lives in grants unmarried fathers few rights, as I recall, naming rights generally aren't one of them.

[Eco]

This is likely what you may end up with.  However, don't let that be your first request to the court.  As I often say, "If you don't ask you certainly won't get, but if you do ask then maybe you'll get it or perhaps something close."  I'd suggest you ask for 50/50 at a minimum.  Odds are you won't get it but better to aim a little too high than a little too low.  Fathers often have an uphill struggle with parenting schedules, so best to start with the best you can get.

absolutely, I will ask for as much visitation as possible and I plan on pointing out that if she is given full custody I will never have any input in my daughters life.

The state that eco's exGF lives in grants unmarried fathers few rights, as I recall, naming rights generally aren't one of them.

that is correct so I will be amazed if the judge orders the name change.

thanks for the info and support

[Justadude]

hello stranger,

so you're in a hard spot. i was there before and have to deal with it quite often. it's a hassle.

so here is my point on child support. read the worksheet. its factual, not emotional, and not fair. her attorney put down what he knows, its your responsibility to respond accurately with your expenses. most states have what is called a left over reserve. if you don't have x amount as a left over, you can argue away from x amount so you can have at least that reserve. if you have any other expenses like medical that also can lower your child support. her income should also be computed, if its not or its unfair there should be a solid argument there. don't get sucked into the, "i want to be home with my kids routine". i support moms 100% but its not cool to be used if you know what I mean, especially as men, we often suffer the hardship of being the parent-child contact crap.

biggest rule of thumb here. obviously the attorney is being a nerd with the hard ball stance ball busting stuff. its his job, he's not emotionally involved, you have to remember that so its stacked. i would read all the packets unemotionally or with a friend or family member and not get emotional about it. make sure you match his ball busting moves with equal force. that'll get under his skin I'm sure. don't let him intimidate you.

[ForeverDad]

I don't recall whether you said she works or not, but she has children by other fathers as I recall.  It's possible she's planning to support herself on child support.  I agree with JD, don't look like you're trying to avoid paying for your child but also don't get railroaded into passive enabling her.

For example, she may say she wants to nurse the child for XX months and so can't work and can't share the child either.  Boo hoo.  Guess what?  Lots of working mothers express their milk and refrigerate it or freeze it for the children when they're not there, so that's no excuse to limit your parenting time.  Regarding work, I seem to recall that working parents (not just mothers) have rights under the Family and Medical Leave Act where their job is protected for 3 months (12 work weeks in a 12 month period) and then they're expected to go back to work.  Lots of mothers do that.  Possibly too if she's getting welfare or similar supplemental income she may not be forced to work for the first year or two after each birth, but I may be wrong.

The point is that court may let her coast along, not working, not sharing since she doesn't want to express her milk and pass it along at exchanges, etc.  It's up to you to present as many reason as possible so the judge knows you're serious about parenting your child.

Oh, in case her lawyer or even the judge remarks that then you shouldn't have had a child with her, don't let that slide by.  The proper response is to turn those blaming guilt trips around and put it in the proper perspective: if she didn't want to share a child with you then she shouldn't have had a child.  You know, it takes two to make a baby.  Being a parent with exGF is at most 50% your fault, don't let anyone guilt you into feeling "it's your problem and so live with it".

[Eco]

I don't recall whether you said she works or not, but she has children by other fathers as I recall.  It's possible she's planning to support herself on child support.  I agree with JD, don't look like you're trying to avoid paying for your child but also don't get railroaded into passive enabling her.

She works 2 days a week, and according to her child support work sheet her bills are 2300 a month and she brings in 930 a month from her job, so the rest of her bills are paid through child support. the other 2 dads only pay half of what the worksheet proposes and they make more money then me. Im all for taking care of my daughter but I don't want to support my ex with her and her over extended life style