and now..? separation?

[tayma]

Hi.

I wrote few days ago that i was undecided and confused, and that i'm going through a very difficult phase of my life.

My husband has been diagnosed with BPD traits.

Well... .the other day he came home after an evening out with his friends, he was very very angry.

He started to yell at me because the weather was too hot, because the journey home-work is too long , because i forgot to buy orange juice (i didn't forget, he didn't even ask me to) and because his best female-friend didn't join the party, and many other reasons. He threw things on the floor, broke the toilet seat and his phone.

I was shocked and scared. I've never seen him so full of rage.

I didn't know what to do, how to calm him down, so i just kept quiet.

I couldn't sleep, also because after he told me he was thinking to suicide last week, I've been very worried.

The next day, i decided to talk to him.

I told him that i was scared and that right now i don't have enough strength to help him as I should.

He said "why were you scared? i was just in a bad mood" then he added that he thought things were going ok between us, but that I lied to him again and didn't share my discomfort with him.

Not true, because we've been talking everyday for hours.

He also lied bout his therapist appointment. He told me his therapist was on holiday so he couldn't attend therapy session. It is not true. I found the card were doctor write the following apportionment (sorry don't know what's called in english). And he has therapy sessions scheduled for all September!

Anyway, he then decided we can't live together anymore. And asked me to stay at my parent's for a while. I agreed.

A minute later he calls his best friend (the one that didn't show at their night out), asking her if he could stay at her old apartment (she's trying to rent it out).

Then he told me he would be moving there as soon as possible. Alright.

So, ... well now i'm at my parents.

We meet quickly before, he didn't even ask how i was doing. He went party all weekend and was very tired, didn't want to talk, or see if we could work this out in a better way.  He told me wanted to go back home and sleep.

What am I supposed to do now?

[Surnia]

Hi tayma

So sorry to hear all this. Sounds like your h has a very bad time right now, quite unstable. I would be very confused too. 

Could be that he cannot cope with the diagnose, perhaps he is feeling ashamed about it and probably he has fear that you will abandon him.

Do you know the LESSONS of the Staying board? If not, I would really recommend you to read through. Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships.

I am not saying with it you should stay, its just for seing the bigger picture and gain some understanding and you find some very good advice there.

[tayma]

He was diagnosed back in February/March.

But yes, he can't cope with it. He denies having any kind of problem.

Yes i am reading and trying to learn as much as i can, but it takes time... .

[Surnia]

I see, diagnosed in Febr. is longer than I thought.

Yes, it needs time. I would focus on the communication tools especially validation, how to avoid arguing and boundaries.

Which kind of T is he doing or supposed to do?

[tayma]

Yes...

Thanks for the advice, i will focus on communication tools.

He's just doing psychotherapy, not sure which kind.

Anyway I do not like or trust his therapist.

I had a phone conversation with her when he told me the diagnose, cause i was worried and hope we could meet or well, get some help from her. She gave me an horrible impression and told me i shouldn't worry, and that he's a good person. Oh really? I married him, I KNOW!

[Surnia]

and told me i shouldn't worry, and that he's a good person. Oh really? I married him, I KNOW!

mmh, this is not very validating... . 

anyway, this is out of your influence. Yes, communication tools are a good start.

Feel free to ask any questions about it.

We are here for you. 

[tayma]

It is not.

I think she not very professional, also because when i called she talked about my h without asking him first if he agreed, or checking if i was really the wife... .

Yes, and is a good thing to have support from you bpdfamily

Thank you.

[tayma]

... update

This morning he texted me, asking if we could meet today or tomorrow.

I asked why? he answered to talk about money issues.

So apparently he moves next week to a place closer to his work and doesn't want to pay our apartment anymore and all the expenses we were sharing...

It makes me so angry!  And I am tired of this!  :'(

I thought he wanted to talk about what happened, see if we could work it out somehow, improve.

Well, i guess he decided for us. It can't work and leaving is the answer.

[Surnia]

This is very frustrating, I feel with you. 

What are your plans? See him? If yes, do you feel okay with it?

[tayma]

This is very frustrating, I feel with you. 

What are your plans? See him? If yes, do you feel okay with it?

I am not sure... .I'm so angry right now, if I meet him I could say things I'd regret...

I'm not materialist at all, and money has never been an issue for me - why he needs to be so mean and separate the expenses when we haven't decided yet what to do with "us"?

And by the way, is salary is 3 times mine. He could easily pay half of our rent and another full rent and still live comfortably.

[Surnia]

I asked bc you have options.

You can agree to see him or not. You can tell him you need time.

Or you can tell him you would like to discuss the rs. Doing the second there is a risk that he is not honest only bc of the money.

And by the way, is salary is 3 times mine. He could easily pay half of our rent and another full rent and still live comfortably.

Sounds there is a  .

Its not a easy situation, I would really take it slowly. Think about it, perhaps even sleep a night over it. To gain some insight what do you want.

[tayma]

Thank you.

Yes, I think is better to take some time.

He wanted to meet tonight, I said I can't tonight, let's see for tomorrow.

Then he started to text me and even send an email about it (money). We even talk on the phone, and i was so angry and frustrated - i am not an angry person. I am very calm & understanding usually.

But honestly I just want to go back to my apartment. My parents are great, but it's hard to stay with them after many years... .

At first i thought I would learn about BPD and try to fix things, help him and us. 

But i'm so tired and have no energy left.

[Surnia]

I can understand you want back in you apartment.

It was him who wanted a separation. What about now you in your apartment and he has to look for something else?

Its really difficult I know. 

[tayma]

It was him who wanted a separation. What about now you in your apartment and he has to look for something else?

He is looking for a place to stay, he said he will move tomorrow to his friend and within a month to a new apartment.

At the end I gave up and met him yesterday...

He was angry at first, he said he is sad and hurting, and that the angry way i replied made him cry and worried.

After a while and general conversation, he asked "do you think i care more about money than our marriage?" 

I said "yes, that's the impression your messages gave me"

While speaking, he changed all he wrote. He said he meant something different... and blame it on language misunderstanding, which of course is not true. (we speak different languages, but both know each other lang. very well + English and the language from were we lived before moving to my country).

He cried.

Said he misses me too much and asked me to go back home.

He said doesn't want to loose me, that i'm the perfect woman and can't live without me.

I said no.

It is difficult and confusing. I'm not sure is the right thing to do... .  but probably is better this way cause I need time off!

Thank you for answering and taking care of me Surnia   

[Surnia]

You are welcome, tayma. 

I think its good to hear on yourself according a time off.

Perhaps this one could help a bit:

Therapeutic Separation

[tayma]

Thank you for the link.

Let's see what happens in the next weeks. My H already found new place to stay, closer to his work.

He's moving out from our apartment tomorrow. I have lots of support from family and my T, so hopefully I'll be ok soon.

But today i'm feeling really low, and it is a bit unrelated to BPD... Sorry for writing it here anyway. I need to vent.

One of my colleagues just gave us a big news during lunch time: she's pregnant.

I was try to show her I'm happy for her,  but the truth is that I envy her like crazy.

I had a miscarriage few months ago and didn't tell anything at work. I didn't tell my husband left either.

And i'm thinking, even if my pregnancy would have been successful I would have been so worried because of my husband illness.

My colleague didn't even want a baby, and i can't help but think that is unfair. I SO wanted a baby

Sorry.

[Surnia]

oh tayma. A big, big 

Yes, sometimes life is unfair. 

Sounds like you would really like to have a baby!

Perhaps you can take it as a sign. You want a baby and you are very worried about rising a child with a mental ill h. You are in a rs were you don't even speak about a miscarriage.  :'(

Perhaps it is really time to make a inventory about your goals, priorities.

Again a 

[tayma]

oh tayma. A big, big   

Thank you. I really needed it.

I do want a to have a baby, so so so much.

No, no. Misunderstanding :D I did talk about miscarriage with my h., that was 4 months ago.  He "just" didn't support me or understand my pain...

I meant i didn't tell to my colleagues at work. So on Friday when she told us she was pregnant i was divided in two. I felt happy for her, but so sad and broken  too

Yes, I'm making a inventory about my goals, priorities as well as negative stuff and my fears/worries with the help of my T. I was actually preparing for separation with her, to see if it was what i really wanted/needed.

Anyway, now is Sunday. I'm back to my apartment.

Meet h quickly before, he said was very very sad but doing ok, and was on his way to friends' house.

Well... .