need help

[beeker]

I've come a long way in how I deal with my ex but I am struggling with how to deal with her parenting. There are 4 children, 7g13g13g17g. Two (13g17g) have chosen on their own to leave their mother and live with me. My problem when I have them all for the weekend I hear all the bad decisions she is making. I don't know whether to give advice which is what they want or stay out of it and just listen. In my marriage my ex left a lot of the parenting to me but anything I say now is considered an attack on her. I'm afraid if I give them options on how to deal with different situations and its slips they came from me it could go bad. Im not sure how to deal with this. None of the things they bring up are dangerous or unhealthy(maybe emotionally) just bad parenting. They ask and talk about it like they feel what's happening might be wrong and they are looking for conformation from me. What do I do so that I'm not making things worse but don't leave them feeling like they are on their own?

[Matt]

Examples?

[beeker]

Ranging from minor such as taking them camping for their birthdays  because she enjoys it even though they dont to major like moving in with a guy 2 weeks after meeting him. Schools nurse had to bring 13g home from school because mother wouldn't go get her. Oldest won't see her anymore because of comments her mother makes such as "I miss you even though I know you hate me", "I made you so I can use you", "you need to see a therapist to work out your issues so we can spend time together". There are a LOT of false promises and lies as well. She doesn't see them as thinking people so she doesn't know they can see through her. Now that I've typed some of it out it may be a bigger problem than I thought. Most of this is just the most recent.

[beeker]

Most of this information comes in the form of questions. Is it right that mom is making us go camping even though its our birthday? Shouldn't mom have gotten me from school? Is it my fault I don't want to be around mom? I know they need to talk it out but honestly at times I wish they wouldn't. Hard to be dying on the inside for them but smiling on the outside.

[Matt]

Have you thought about taking them to a counselor?  I did that when my kids were 8 and 10 and it helped them a lot.

Usually it's best to be a very skilled listener - let them talk and make sure you are validating what they're saying - not telling them "You're right" but "I hear what you're saying" and "It sure sounds like that was difficult to deal with".

It's difficult because you can't control what their mom does, but you can let them have a safe place to talk.

"Is it my fault I don't want to be around mom?" - "No, you can decide what you want and don't want, even if you don't always get what you want."

"Shouldn't Mom have gotten me from school?" - "Well it was your week to be with her, so I think it would be best if you and she can work out the schedule and if she would pick you up when you both agreed."

"Is it right that mom is making us go camping?" - "Well what choices do you have about that?  Do you think it would work if you tell her you don't want to go?  Would she let you stay with a friend or with me for that time?"

I try to work with the kids, not their mom, since they are growing and learning to deal with stuff, and she is just what she is.  Even when the kids were 8 and 10, I found it more productive to work with them and figure out solutions than to try to impact her behavior.  Over time it's worked better and better - now they're 15 and 16 and rarely have to put up with really inappropriate stuff from her - they know they can make their own plans and she won't usually force them to do stuff.