A small update and reaching out.

[confusedandscared]

Well it has been such a long time since I have posted anything on the boards, truth be told things have been going good and I have learned a lot from members on how to cope with the certain things they do. I have coped so well with a lot of things and so far so good things have been great with my ex. Now first and foremost she has never been diagnosed as having BPD, it is something both myself and my own therapist have talked about, I mean she hits so many things square on the head with so much.

So for the last few months we have been getting along brilliantly, after a long period of no contact we finally came together and talked, agreed not to bring up the past and just see where things would go. Of course in this time some random accusations against me surfaced, I was able to use a lot of techniques I have read here to defuse whatever situation it was. Well until last week.

I had dinner with a buddy and was going to go over and see her after it, well I told her if dinner doesn't run too late then yes I would. It ran on late and I got a few snarky texts from her, one even accusing me of not being out with him. I pulled her on it right away and the next morning I got an apology. One of the things she is quick to do now is say sorry for things she does, I can thank her T for that.

On Saturday I went to see her, she was having a bad day and thus I thought I would be able to hang out and cheer her up, needless to say that bad mood transpired into bringing up the past and laying into me about things. I was able to defuse it once again and point blank said I am not talking about the past. That was fine until I questioned her about something she told me, well all hell broke loose. In the typical fashion of a how dare you question me type thing. It was bad, it felt like her usual rage at me questioning her.

My issue is this: she has stopped seeing her therapist and I can see old patterns resurfacing, now she has said she doesn't want any contact for a few days to let things cool down. For me there is no cooling down, I'm over the argument and once again as per usual she pushes me away rather than tackling the issue, which is why she got defensive over a simple question. Is this something that is going to raise it's ugly head again since she is no longer in therapy? Or is this a small bump in the road? I just don't know. It kind of threw me for a loop as it's perfectly ok for her to question me about anything and anyone, but once I ask her about something it's a how dare you question me etc.

I do want to improve things between us and by and by things are good, although there seems to be a huge elephant in the room at times when we are together, I have tried to address that elephant but it just gets swept aside.

I should be able to just move on, forget it all, realize that as well as I am these days emotionally and mentally, for some reason I want to make things better between us.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SeekerofTruth]

For some reason i want things better for us is the hook that keeps hooking.

It is NOT okay (healthy) for her to question you about anything, and in response for you not

to be able to raise any questions you have in return to be met by stonewalling, rage, and high conflict becaue its a power imbalance that ultimately marginalizes you and your best self.

Yes, it (the defensiveness and non-mutuality) will continue to raise its ugly head because that is the pattern being re-enacted.  Sorry.

Part of moving on entails letting go.  You know this.  Good luck in your decision-making process

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I do want to improve things between us and by and by things are good, although there seems to be a huge elephant in the room at times when we are together, I have tried to address that elephant but it just gets swept aside.

I should be able to just move on, forget it all, realize that as well as I am these days emotionally and mentally, for some reason I want to make things better between us.

Why do you want to make things better? Not that there's something wrong with that, it's perfectly fine, but it can be really helpful to spend some time thinking about why we need what we need, where it's coming from.

How do you see yourself improving things?

How important is it for you that she isn't in therapy?

[waverider]

As long as she has BPD this cycle will continue. You can change how you are affected by it and not making it any worse that it need be. You will not get things sorted and put them in the past hoping it wont happen again.

These steps backward after prolonged forward steps forward are so demoralizing, but that is because we kid ourselves and become unprepared for it. This is a good reason to keep in mind even the good times are part of the disorder, there is no "normal"