What I struggle with most

[Undine]

I think what I struggle with most is the love that I feel for this man who is no longer in my life. He has proven by his actions that he is in no way concerned about me or my feelings & yet the love remains. I am entirely resigned to the fact that I will probably never see him again & he will never be a part of my life. I have even moved on to the point that I am involved with a normal, healthy man. I know even if my pwBPD contacted me tomorrow wanting to get back together I would unequivocally say no. This is the benefit of staying in NC. The blinders really came off when I distanced myself from him. I deserve so much more than what he gave me & I am worth it. But I do not know if I can ever get to the point of being in an involved, committed relationship again. I was convinced that he was the love of my life & in my heart he still is. My new relationship is both informal & casual-more of a friend kind of thing. That makes everything easier. I know it sounds crazy that I would still love him even though I am moving on but there it is . I feel certain that this feeling will fade if I can stay in NC. There is still some residual disbelief at the casual way I was discarded. The way that he did that speaks more clearly than words to the depth of his disorder(s). His few normal friends could not believe it either. One of my friends told me "he's broken, throw him back!" Wow, was she ever right on the money!

[bauers220]

I will say this from experience - this recent involvement with my exGF is not my first experience with a borderline... .20 years ago I had a BF who was clearly this way - though its in hindsight now - I would not have known it then.  When I went N/C I broke it several times even after meeting the man I've been with since then.  Eventually I stopped contact and he would try and beg me to talk to him while we were out in public.  He didn't even care I had a new BF - he would sit outside the ladies bathroom where no one could see him and wait for me - crying and begging.  The day I went to his house to gather the rest of my things - he was trying to give me everything I waited for - told me he'd been saving for a ring and wanted to live with me ... .I had NOTHING... .it was weird - this person who was my EVERYTHING to the point where I'd go looking for him when he disappeared - suddenly I didn't want him anymore and was able to say - its just too late.  Months later I moved out of state nd called him twice - there was just nothing left.  I have to say honestly it was this HEALTHY relationship with this beautiful soul I have loved for 20 years that got me through.  That may sound unhealthy as I did jump right into dating - actually met my husband while still with the other man - but broke it off with the ex because this was just too normal to pass up.  I still had the twinges but found I was healing as time went on.  I have not had contact for 20 years now.  I saw a pic of him on my Aunt's FB (she's his sister) recently and again - NOTHING... .well maybe relief.  I know my life would have been hell.  I wouldn't have the 4 beautiful babies I have with my husband - would have been abused, cheated on, lied to, would have had him leave and come back constantly.  Instead I have a man who says "I love you for you and stand by you"... .even though I did meet a woman who stirred up all this unresolved crap in my psychie - he is still here.

It does go away... .I promise it does.  Maybe that is why I have resolve to stay away from her - or why if she comes back I do not want to do anything but wish her well.  Because I KNOW time heals - and therapy is worth its weight in gold.

Chin up my friend!   

[Undine]

Thank you so much! I am so torn because I am going out with a new guy all ready but it does really seem to help. It brings stuff up & I actually have to deal with my feelings-when before it didn't seem like I was able to access them(?) I have known this guy & been friends with him for almost as long as I have known my BPDbf. So it is not as if we were strangers who had just met. I still wonder if I should have gotten involved with him so soon but I couldn't seem to help myself. My relationship with my pwBPD was so shallow & lacking in intimacy that it wasn't the same as ending a "real" relationship if that makes any sense. I know that I still have a lot of grieving to go through though.