Trying to find myself after the betrayal

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Well it's been 5 months since my fiance lied to me, cheated on me then upruptly left me. I still find myself tinking about her everyday. I feel like a different person, I don't enjoy anything I use to. I don't hang out with my friends and I keep my phone off all the time. I rarely leave the house and when I do it's to go to college or to a restaurant on the outskirts of town and sit by myself and eat in a depressing way. I'm currently on celexa because my doc said it would help but it's really not helping me all that much except makes me sleep alot more which I am grateful for.

I havent had anything to do with her in 4 months and I have ignored any contact, email, she has sent. Last time I saw her she was leaving with another guy and telling me it was my fault and that she deserved better. I don't want to be like this any longer but I can't get happy or enjoy life. People aggravate me as of late and my mood is so grey that I always want to be brooding in my house watching the damn news. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore, but I do wish somehow I could die of natural causes or a car crash just to stop my emotional disposition. I'm holding on but I have lost any and all hope as to being happy. She sucked the life right out of me and abandoned me when I was hooked on her. sigh 

[Mr gaga]

Well it's been 5 months since my fiance lied to me, cheated on me then upruptly left me. I still find myself tinking about her everyday. I feel like a different person, I don't enjoy anything I use to. I don't hang out with my friends and I keep my phone off all the time. I rarely leave the house and when I do it's to go to college or to a restaurant on the outskirts of town and sit by myself and eat in a depressing way. I'm currently on celexa because my doc said it would help but it's really not helping me all that much except makes me sleep alot more which I am grateful for.

I havent had anything to do with her in 4 months and I have ignored any contact, email, she has sent. Last time I saw her she was leaving with another guy and telling me it was my fault and that she deserved better. I don't want to be like this any longer but I can't get happy or enjoy life. People aggravate me as of late and my mood is so grey that I always want to be brooding in my house watching the damn news. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore, but I do wish somehow I could die of natural causes or a car crash just to stop my emotional disposition. I'm holding on but I have lost any and all hope as to being happy. She sucked the life right out of me and abandoned me when I was hooked on her. sigh 

[Siamese Rescue]

I'm there with you. I stood by my boyfriend for seven years while he struggled with a major business in a large facility that he ran with his supposed ex girlfriend. I was strung along forever. "Just another month and then I can get her out of here, just another month, just another month".  Ultimately, he broke up with me this past Spring. We had no contact for three months with the exception of a benign text from him about forty days in. He resurfaced at the end of July and I let him back in during the month of August. My anger and his anger are just too overwhelming for us to handle a normal relationship. After an outburst on my part this past Friday, he disappeared and I haven't seen or heard from him since.

I am right where you are. Everyone around me is frustrated with me. I just can't get happy. I suffered quite a bit for the time we were apart. I found some strength and posted some optimistic posts here a few times. I gained some focus on how to move on. I was on the right track. Then I let him come back and now I got hooked again and now I'm destroyed.

Like you, I just can't seem to be happy. The heartache is so heavy. Your life sounds like mine. I'm very reclusive. I hate going out. I'd just as soon hibernate in my bedroom and watch tv and feel the pain. My family and friends are almost aggravated. 

What worked for me back when I was gaining strength and independence was my list of things I wanted to do and places I wanted to travel.  I also made a list of things I had to do to make my life better.  Albeit silly, I spent a lot of time on Pinterest and anything else that was visually stimulating and distracting.

Finally, my one doctor said that depression and physical activity can never live in the same house. So, try to do some cardio exercise. It does help.

Like you, I'm also one of those people who just don't even try to stitch my broken heart back together again.  It's a rough spot to be in. 

You're not alone.

[Mr gaga]

Sorry to hear your in my sad shoes also. It is comforting to know that I am not alone. I had a burst of empowerment over the summer to where I was happy and I was like her loss and going out with friends and stuff but lately I have been missing her. I know she could care less about me but I really did care for her. I started to think my luck was running out yesterday when I just broke down out of the blue but then I realized my luck ran out a long time ago, that's why I was here. Maybe this is some form of punishment by god for a mistake I made in the past or maybe this is my own personal hell I just don't know anymore.

Everyday I try not to think about when it was that my life became less about the having things that make up peoples lives and more about the holes that losing those things leave behind but I never do a good job at it. I guess this is what I get for thinking a guy like me could marry a beautiful woman and have a nice family and have a happy ending, what a fool a was. Of all the girls that couldve come my way, a beautiful BPD girl sinks her teeth in me. Oh Jesus

[snappafcw]

Mr Gaga how you feel right now really does explain my feelings right now. Hang in there I'm sure it gets better over time the kind people in this community have all made some really awesome self discoveries. Be kind to yourself sometimes I think I'm being punished for something that I have done in the past now but what matters now is that my heart is in the right place and I would never deliberately hurt anyone and I sure you are the same. I hope things get better.

[Ittookthislong]

ugh i understand that feeling. its not depression/sadness, its just blah. im still waiting for myself to feel like im alive since i feel pretty grey as you put it. it is getting better. it will get better for you too. Dont wanna sugarcoat it, it takes a long time though and its a slow process. if it takes longer than you expect dont be hard on yourself or think your not ever going to feel better, i fell into that for a while. but it just takes longer than most people expect... .

i used to take care of my body and excercize. i just stopped caring after this last ex. i gained a lot of weight and still havnt gotten the oomph back to loose it. but im slowly getting little bits of hapiness, or peace, or feeling like myself again. its taken me almost 2 years

keep your head up. itll take time, but youll feel good again. be patient with yourself

[bpdspell]

Deep sadness from BPD betrayal and lost love makes us human. Are you seeing a therapist?

A therapist is worth their weight in gold. If not find someone to talk to... .a meet up... .a group... .a trusted friend... .or keep posting here. My point here is that isolation is not your friend and can only intensify your negative feelings.

I've been in your shoes of not wanting to carry on... .of wanting to die in my sleep.

I've felt stuck, numb, hollowed out, and unable to invest in myself... .I know that life after a BPD breakup can feel like a drag of meaninglessness and emptiness... .

But there is always a horizon and light at the end of the tunnel. Our pain in these breakups are real but our suffering is optional.

It may not feel this way right now but our BPD's are not the best that we can do. They are not the last pit stop on the love train. Sick love is not ultimate love.

So what worked for me?

Talk therapy.

Giving myself time to grieve: So yes. I would schedule times in my day where I could just ball, scream in my pillow.

I respected my rage: I beat my pillows with a baseball bat to release my inner fury.

I journalized: I wrote letters that I didn't send, I expressed dark thoughts in my journal and of course I cried.

I prayed: Having a relationship with the God of your understanding helps tremendously. I was very angry at God and have a very hard time re-connecting with him due to my anger. But prayer helps.

I joined a gym to increase my endorphins.

I read a lot of self-help books. Many writers are healers and their books help to empower our understanding of what went wrong.

I watched a lot of movies.

Things got better as I learned how to be more honest with myself. It's one hour at a time, one day... .one week... .

Hope this helps.

Spell

[A Dad]

So sorry for what you are going through. Many of us have been there, and like us you will get through it too.

What worked for me was thinking about what I was good at, what I used to enjoy before I met my BPD SO, and reclaiming that. Having time again to do those things that used to make me happy made a huge difference. Keeping busy, working out to tire my body and a couple of drinks (but not more) at night so I can go to sleep quickly helped too

[Vindi]

Mr gaga, yes, breaking up is painful, it takes a loonng time to heal... .and know you are not alone.

Have you tried going for long walks, maybe the fresh air and being outdoors may make you feel better. And another poster mentioned, maybe talking to a therapist... .I know they helped me in the past, just to "get things out" and know someone is listening it takes away that empty alone feeling.

Try to do just one small thing for yourself each day, anything, something positive, in time this can bring your spirits back up.

And keep posting here!

[Learning_curve74]

What Spell wrote is so good it deserves to appear twice! So here it is.

Deep sadness from BPD betrayal and lost love makes us human. Are you seeing a therapist?

A therapist is worth their weight in gold. If not find someone to talk to... .a meet up... .a group... .a trusted friend... .or keep posting here. My point here is that isolation is not your friend and can only intensify your negative feelings.

I've been in your shoes of not wanting to carry on... .of wanting to die in my sleep.

I've felt stuck, numb, hollowed out, and unable to invest in myself... .I know that life after a BPD breakup can feel like a drag of meaninglessness and emptiness... .

But there is always a horizon and light at the end of the tunnel. Our pain in these breakups are real but our suffering is optional.

It may not feel this way right now but our BPD's are not the best that we can do. They are not the last pit stop on the love train. Sick love is not ultimate love.

So what worked for me?

Talk therapy.

Giving myself time to grieve: So yes. I would schedule times in my day where I could just ball, scream in my pillow.

I respected my rage: I beat my pillows with a baseball bat to release my inner fury.

I journalized: I wrote letters that I didn't send, I expressed dark thoughts in my journal and of course I cried.

I prayed: Having a relationship with the God of your understanding helps tremendously. I was very angry at God and have a very hard time re-connecting with him due to my anger. But prayer helps.

I joined a gym to increase my endorphins.

I read a lot of self-help books. Many writers are healers and their books help to empower our understanding of what went wrong.

I watched a lot of movies.

Things got better as I learned how to be more honest with myself. It's one hour at a time, one day... .one week... .

Hope this helps.

Spell

Mr gaga, plenty of us have felt like you do. It's okay, but just like or BPDexes have to take those first steps themselves to heal, we also have to take those first steps ourselves to heal too.

I've been depressed before to the point of suicidal ideation and survived. I do understand being drained and feeling everything is grey, that's a bit like how I feel now. The first time I was depressed I decided to do one specific thing that I did that forced me out of the house every single day. I made it my goal to do that every day, and if I just did that one thing, it was enough for the day regardless of anything else I did. I don't want to say exactly what it was, because I'm paranoid my BPDex will figure out this is me. But for you it could be going out to buy fresh groceries every day, go look at the fish at the pet store every day, go to the same coffee shop and have a coffee every day, go to the swimming pool and swim 1000 meters every day, go to church and attend service every day, etc. You will at least accomplish one thing, get out of the house, and probably will have to talk to somebody else at some point every single day if you commit yourself to this.

I know that I lost that love of life before and got it back, I will do so again, and I believe you can too.