Lost Respect

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's the weirdest feeling, but I feel like my ex help me to detach with his boundary breaking behavior. I had invited my Ex to an animal shelter to volunteer,we started dating early on and did this together. He decided to bring his new girlfriend or whatever she is to the animal shelter the other week. The shelter staff who I know well, told me. I didn't think he would do that, I thought he would respect that was a place I care a lot about and would respect me enough to go to another shelter with a new partner. I know I wouldn't parade a new relationship of mine, but oh well. He also wrote me an email back in May saying he had seen one of my cousins etc and How are you, it's been awhile etc. I did not respond, I had told him before I couldn't be friends, it hadn't worked last time.  Of course the first time we broke up I said I couldn't be friends but caved pretty early on, not this time. Then after he sent me a friendly message, 4 days later he wrote me text in a passive aggressive tone, saying " I suppose this isn't "Findingmysong's number but if it is, I would hope you would be more mature enough not to ignore me, that's ___in childish. I'm happy not to have people like that in my life." Then the second email said "I'm deleting your number now." I know it was just a control thing, because he broke up with me twice (this is the second and last breakup) but I refused to be friends or keep in touch. So, he took "control" back or thinks he did. It's a funny that if he doesn't want me in his life, that months later he is back to hanging out at the shelter and organization I've been involved in.

Also, I put up with a lot of push and pull and just plain emotional abuse from him over the time we were together. Yes, he did some sweet things for me, but they don't make up for the negative stuff he did. I mean blowing up at me twice on the phone 3 months into the relationship (red flag, ignored) and July 4th 2012 (he got mad that we had to walk a long ways to see fireworks) and let it rip when we were at his apartment, he told me everything that was wrong with me, basically the kitchen sink,how he deserved better basically. He was verbally abusive some, asked if I was retarded because I was acting awkward, which is ironic because he was the one taking medication for freaken anxiety!  He said it was for intrusive thoughts etc. He used to have panic attacks too. I saw him get really upset and punch a hole in the wall, stuff I wasn't used to seeing and it scared me. My ex told me he had wished I could of come over to him and told it was okay etc. but I was freaked out I didn't want to be close to him. He wanted chaos in his life because it was normal, he was the youngest of three in a house where his Dad was an abusive alcoholic who abused his Mom and I think he did it to his oldest brother. I wish that he didn't go through that. I saw so many red flags that I ignored, because as a recovering alcoholic I knew that he was having to learn new ways to cope and that I thought some of the behavior was to be expected but would eventually stop and get better! It didn't.

However, seeing his disrespect me at a place that is important to me, I really don't have many feelings left. I'm sure if I see him it will be weird at first, but I've lost so much respect for him, I almost feel like I might look right past him! It feels a little weird, but true! I guess this is my way of detaching, if he was trying to hurt me by parading his new girlfriend around it just made me lose respect and care much much less!

[Findingmysong723]

It's the weirdest feeling, but I feel like my ex help me to detach with his boundary breaking behavior. I had invited my Ex to an animal shelter to volunteer,we started dating early on and did this together. He decided to bring his new girlfriend or whatever she is to the animal shelter the other week. The shelter staff who I know well, told me. I didn't think he would do that, I thought he would respect that was a place I care a lot about and would respect me enough to go to another shelter with a new partner. I know I wouldn't parade a new relationship of mine, but oh well. He also wrote me an email back in May saying he had seen one of my cousins etc and How are you, it's been awhile etc. I did not respond, I had told him before I couldn't be friends, it hadn't worked last time.  Of course the first time we broke up I said I couldn't be friends but caved pretty early on, not this time. Then after he sent me a friendly message, 4 days later he wrote me text in a passive aggressive tone, saying " I suppose this isn't "Findingmysong's number but if it is, I would hope you would be more mature enough not to ignore me, that's ___in childish. I'm happy not to have people like that in my life." Then the second email said "I'm deleting your number now." I know it was just a control thing, because he broke up with me twice (this is the second and last breakup) but I refused to be friends or keep in touch. So, he took "control" back or thinks he did. It's a funny that if he doesn't want me in his life, that months later he is back to hanging out at the shelter and organization I've been involved in.

Also, I put up with a lot of push and pull and just plain emotional abuse from him over the time we were together. Yes, he did some sweet things for me, but they don't make up for the negative stuff he did. I mean blowing up at me twice on the phone 3 months into the relationship (red flag, ignored) and July 4th 2012 (he got mad that we had to walk a long ways to see fireworks) and let it rip when we were at his apartment, he told me everything that was wrong with me, basically the kitchen sink,how he deserved better basically. He was verbally abusive some, asked if I was retarded because I was acting awkward, which is ironic because he was the one taking medication for freaken anxiety!  He said it was for intrusive thoughts etc. He used to have panic attacks too. I saw him get really upset and punch a hole in the wall, stuff I wasn't used to seeing and it scared me. My ex told me he had wished I could of come over to him and told it was okay etc. but I was freaked out I didn't want to be close to him. He wanted chaos in his life because it was normal, he was the youngest of three in a house where his Dad was an abusive alcoholic who abused his Mom and I think he did it to his oldest brother. I wish that he didn't go through that. I saw so many red flags that I ignored, because as a recovering alcoholic I knew that he was having to learn new ways to cope and that I thought some of the behavior was to be expected but would eventually stop and get better! It didn't.

However, seeing his disrespect me at a place that is important to me, I really don't have many feelings left. I'm sure if I see him it will be weird at first, but I've lost so much respect for him, I almost feel like I might look right past him! It feels a little weird, but true! I guess this is my way of detaching, if he was trying to hurt me by parading his new girlfriend around it just made me lose respect and care much much less!

[Surnia]

Hi findingmysong

Sounds like you are really on your way to detaching. 

One part of detaching can be looking at someone in a more distant describing mode. This allows to the the person in a different way like you did.

Great you could see some parts of it as control issues and not sucked back in FOG.

Keep going, FMS (singing your song   )

[Findingmysong723]

Thanks Surnia!

I feel like I'm much further along after his recent behavior. Not to say that if I do see him at the Shelter by himself or with his new girlfriend, I won't feel the initial shock, I'm only human. However, I feel that I don't want anything to do with him anymore, and if this is attention seeking behavior it's not going to work. If he is just trying to hurt me/show off, I will mind my own business and not engage. I hope it's sunny, because I can wear sunglasses and he won't see any initial reactions, ha!

He was a bully during our relationship, whether it was from his BPD traits, dry drunk behavior etc, it doesn't matter this is still how he behaved. Also, he continued to behave badly after the relationship ended, which proves he is someone I don't want in my life and I mean that when I say it!

[Surnia]

I hope it's sunny, because I can wear sunglasses and he won't see any initial reactions, ha!

   

Sending you 3 of them, hope it will work with the sun. 

[Ittookthislong]

good for you... .mmyeah thats pretty tacky to do that to you. good sign that your response is to feel detatched from unhealthy behavior too!

[Findingmysong723]

Thanks for the shades Surnia!

Ittookthislong,

I agree, it is tacky and I think he looks bad. Especially since I've known the shelter staff and many of the volunteers years before him, and they will be supportive of me!