I'd better assemble the 'Home Guard'

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I Know nothing of BPD ex's current relationship condition... .But... .

I've been WARNED by a friend her last two fb status's are

"Who we long to be with, and are meant to be with, isn't always who we settle for"

"My crime is expecting, and my punishment is disappointment"

I don't think you need Colombo to help work out it's either over between them or is going far from well? The first of the two status's would certainly upset the current guy if he's aware of it being on her fb!  (I don't know if he uses fb or not). If my partner put that on her fb I'd take it as her saying she'd settled for me, but longed for & felt 'meant to be' with someone else? I'd be very very hurt & offended!

It's all very negative & not the usual "My life's wonderful" cr@p I'd expect to hear about.



Her WhatsApp status says "Tiiiime is on my side, yes it is!".

A reference to The Rolling Stones track, "Tiiiime is on my side, yes it is, but you'll come running back, yes you'll come running back, to meeee"!

Ironically I only mentioned yesterday in another thread, that she always had a thing about making statements with song choices & lyrics! I've been NC for 8 weeks & I think I should start getting ready to find out exactly how far into my recovery I truly am. I still love her, but cannot forgive her!

I talk the talk of not wanting her back. But feel I'm about to find out if I can walk the walk!

I sense a real test of strength & determination coming!

It's 4.30am here in UK & I can't sleep I'm so unraveled by all this. I can practically feel my guts turning inside me. It's a horrid nervous anxious feeling. It's my body telling me NO!

[Moonie75]

I Know nothing of BPD ex's current relationship condition... .But... .

I've been WARNED by a friend her last two fb status's are

"Who we long to be with, and are meant to be with, isn't always who we settle for"

"My crime is expecting, and my punishment is disappointment"

I don't think you need Colombo to help work out it's either over between them or is going far from well? The first of the two status's would certainly upset the current guy if he's aware of it being on her fb!  (I don't know if he uses fb or not). If my partner put that on her fb I'd take it as her saying she'd settled for me, but longed for & felt 'meant to be' with someone else? I'd be very very hurt & offended!

It's all very negative & not the usual "My life's wonderful" cr@p I'd expect to hear about.



Her WhatsApp status says "Tiiiime is on my side, yes it is!".

A reference to The Rolling Stones track, "Tiiiime is on my side, yes it is, but you'll come running back, yes you'll come running back, to meeee"!

Ironically I only mentioned yesterday in another thread, that she always had a thing about making statements with song choices & lyrics! I've been NC for 8 weeks & I think I should start getting ready to find out exactly how far into my recovery I truly am. I still love her, but cannot forgive her!

I talk the talk of not wanting her back. But feel I'm about to find out if I can walk the walk!

I sense a real test of strength & determination coming!

It's 4.30am here in UK & I can't sleep I'm so unraveled by all this. I can practically feel my guts turning inside me. It's a horrid nervous anxious feeling. It's my body telling me NO!

[Hazelrah]

Moonie,

You might need the RAF as well.

If those posts were recited to you verbatim, it could very well be that a major test looms on your horizon.

I'm in no position to stand on a soapbox and tell you to stay strong and withstand any potential recycle attempts, given all you've gone through with this woman.  I still hold onto a sordid fantasy of my own that my W will come to her senses, she'll realize the errors of her ways, and her DBT therapy will provide the building blocks for a happy ending.  The important thing is to continue to take care of yourself, continue doing what you love, and maintain your strong sense of self, as that will serve you well no matter what ends up happening. 

[Moonie75]

What does 'verbatim' mean?


Gimme a break man, I'm only a drummer! 

[Ironmanrises]

Moonie,

If a re-engagement is coming... .

Resist with all your might the temptation to give in.

Otherwise... .

She will hurt you again... .

Your body reacting like that is your warning system going awol... .

I had the same reaction when my exUBPDgf re-engaged me after she left... .

I didnt listen to that inner warning... .

My current pain is consequence if that.

Home Guard will protect you as long as you stay behind the wall of NC.

Do not let your Home Guard engage her advance guard of probing scouts... .

My ironman suit was no match against my exUBPDgf.

Hang in there.

We are here.

[Clearmind]

It's my body telling me NO! I’d listen to your body!

Resistance is futile because our emotions rule our minds - we all need to find out why we are attracted/interested/attached. Moonie - why are you drawn to this women and what is the hook?

What are your thoughts on social media?

[Hazelrah]

What does 'verbatim' mean?


Gimme a break man, I'm only a drummer! 

Verbatim=word for word.

If you really "can't forgive her", maybe you've already made up your mind that there's no turning back again. 

Facebook is such a pain in the arse, isn't it?

[Moonie75]

It's my body telling me NO! I’d listen to your body!

Resistance is futile because our emotions rule our minds - we all need to find out why we are attracted/interested/attached. Moonie - why are you drawn to this women and what is the hook?

The 'hook' is the childhood sweetheart fairy tale of us falling for each other as children. Then meeting again as adults & sparks flying again instantly. It's a story that I believed in & struggle to let go of. I know it's not real, well, maybe is real because that's what happened. But it cannot have a happy ending with us together. I can have my happy ending I'm sure, maybe one day she can too, but that happy ending won't be happening for us as a couple!

The draw is sheer chemistry that has always been there. I remember it vividly all the way back to our childhood.

But for everything good I can tell you, I can quadruple it with bad! That's the sad reality. That's the bit I'm still learning to accept. I've begun reading & studying radical acceptance, co-dependency, etc. I've enrolled with a therapist who I see once a week for 90 minutes (struggling to pay for it but it's helping so it's money well spent).

I'm doing my best to learn about her BPD, about me & my own childhood & subsequent issues, and about becoming healthy. It's a steep learning curve & I wasn't expecting to be tested as soon as it appears I could be.



God bless this forum & the lessons & people here!

[Moonie75]

Hazelrah,

Yeah it's word for word, exactly as typed up on the thread. He showed me the post on her fb on his iphone, read it for myself! made the hairs on my neck stand up!

I know I'm assuming a little as she doesn't cite me or her new guy in the fb status's or the WhatsApp status. But I'm confident that my assumption is a realistic & reasonable one. I'd bet on it with confidence it wasn't much of a gamble! I'm sure it's all put out there to be seen, read, and relayed back to me.

Worked too, because I know about it!

[Moonie75]

Clearmind,

My view on social media is indifference. I don't have a fb or twitter account. I don't want to know what the world had for breakfast, or to tell the world what I had for breakfast. But I use social media for other stuff.

You & I are communicating via social media now!

Only the author knows the sincerity of the posts, status's, profiles, or whatever you want to call the ramblings! But I'd say anything not put there in humor (especially when someone's low), has a good chance of being a reasonable representation of their current thoughts.

Just like this post I'm typing now is a reasonable representation of what I'm sincerely currently thinking.

[Reg]

Moonie,

The songs as a way of communication, it looks so familiar to me as well at the time.

I even did it myself a few times, trying some kind of reversed psychology , and she didn't like it, but it never stopped her from continuing to do so 

You are doing great BTW, there will come a day you will forgive her, accept it is the BPD, forgetting completely is something different and that's not bad, it's a good thing to remember the lesson(s) one got.

The day is coming closer where you"ll sleep as good as I do, which is since several months now, but it's even improving.  Your energy will return as well.

So after talk the talk, I'm convinced you'll proof you can walk the walk mate !

Reg

[Bach Cantatas]

Don`t Panic! Moonie, Don`t Panic! ;-)

Simply try and stay NC. "They Don`t Like it up `em!" But I am sure that you know that... .

Best of Luck.

[heartandwhole]

It's a story that I believed in & struggle to let go of.

The draw is sheer chemistry that has always been there. I remember it vividly all the way back to our childhood.

Moonie, Hang in there, brother!    I really get the part about the fairy tale and chemistry, I definitely have experience with that, and was in denial about it for a long time. This site helped me tremendously to really see that story for what it was: an illusion, a fantasy. I don't know for sure, but I think happily ever after is when we know who we are and what is good for us.  What we think, feel, and do are in sync.

I'm still working on it, and I know you are, too.  We're here for you. 

[Moonie75]

Her new romance collapsed yesterday apparently. Oh, and surprise surprise, I'm painted white again!

I'll round the troops up!

[Ironmanrises]

Code red. Code red. Code red.

Stay behind the wall of NC, Moonie.

[Reg]

Hi Moonie,

Just remember mate, if you might not feel as strong as you need to in this situation, that we are here for you !

Your BPD family cares !

Reg

[eyvindr]

Moonie --

With all due respect to The Stones... .

Sending this one out of to all of the heartbroken souls who've ever had to let go of a dream. Here's a little Bob Mould, from his Sugar cd... .

"If I Can't Change Your Mind"

Tears fill up my eyes

I'm washed away with sorrow

And somewhere in my mind

I know there's no tomorrow

Oh, I see you're leaving soon

I guess you've had your fill

But if I can't change your mind

Then no one will

And all throughout the years

I never strayed from you, my dear

But you suspect I'm somewhere else

You're feeling sorry for yourself

Leaving with a broken heart

I love you even still

But if I can't change your mind

Then no one will

If I can't change your mind

Even though my heart keeps breaking

Don't you know that I'll be waiting here for you

Then when you return

When will you return

I hope you see I'm dedicated

Look how long that I have waited

If you come back then you will find

A different person if you change your mind

How can I explain away

Something that I haven't done?

And if you can't trust me now

You'll never trust in anyone

With all the crazy doubts you've got

I love you even still

But if I can't change your mind

Then no one will

If I can't change your mind

Someday you'll see I've been true

I'll stay that way until

But if I can't change your mind

Then no one will

If I can't change your mind

If I can't change your mind

If I can't change your mind

Maintain radio silence, Moonie. Shields up. Engage cloaking device.

If you need to talk, talk here. Hang in there, brother!

[Clearmind]

Her new romance collapsed yesterday apparently. Oh, and surprise surprise, I'm painted white again!

I'll round the troops up!

OK, so what that does mean for you? How will you protect yourself and your healing?

[Moonie75]

Clearmind,

What  does it mean for me?

It means I can realistically expect a contact attempt from her, or maybe even more than one attempt! I don't look forward to dealing with the emotions that will come with those moments!

How will I protect myself & my healing?

With NC. If she somehow breaches that & I end up face to face with her, I'll tell her politely that I have nothing to say to her, And no interest in anything she wants to say to me! So that doesn't leave much talking to do!

If that doesn't work I'll tell her again, but without being polite!

If that doesn't work I'll I'll tell her I think she has a personality disorder & to come back in around a decades time when she's completely better, and maybe then, if she asks nicely, I'll listen to whatever she wanted to say about riding the neighbor!

[Moonie75]

What does 'verbatim' mean?


Gimme a break man, I'm only a drummer! 

Oh Mooney you make me laugh.

Thank you Emelie.

Fortunately I remembered to take my sense of humor when I left her. I knew I was going to need it later when this lot unfolded!

Make sure you keep yourself chuckling about the nonsense of this from time to time. It's helped me out of some very dark holes some days!

[Hazelrah]

Clearmind,

What  does it mean for me?

It means I can realistically expect a contact attempt from her, or maybe even more than one attempt! I don't look forward to dealing with the emotions that will come with those moments!

How will I protect myself & my healing?

With NC. If she somehow breaches that & I end up face to face with her, I'll tell her politely that I have nothing to say to her, And no interest in anything she wants to say to me! So that doesn't leave much talking to do!

If that doesn't work I'll tell her again, but without being polite!

If that doesn't work I'll I'll tell her I think she has a personality disorder & to come back in around a decades time when she's completely better, and maybe then, if she asks nicely, I'll listen to whatever she wanted to say about riding the neighbor!

Moonie my mate,

Do you really feel that you are ready to withstand a potential contact/recycle at this point?  Kudos if you are... .I'm not so far along that I could promise myself I could do the same.

A decade's time, you say?  Perhaps some more song lyrics are in order... ."Ten Years Gone" (Led Zep) comes to mind.

[Moonie75]

No I'm not ready mate! That's why all I've really got to work with is NC to protect myself. I had no plans to contact her in the future & although I did expect her shag-A-neighbor gig to implode quickly, I didn't think it would be this quickly. I expected to be farther down the healing road by the time her attempts to make contact started.

I don't expect to hear from her till the weekend realistically. She won't be expecting me to be NC with her & ignore her. She'll expect a conversation out of me because that's been the norm in the past.

But she also will expect me to ask when it blew up with new guy & she has the brains to work out what would happen if she said 'we split yesterday'! She'll think sleeping in a bed alone for a few nights till the weekend is an achievement that proves she's serious about me! FFS  

The kids will be with their father at the weekend also which makes her much more mobile then. Then add the weekend drinking culture & the great ideas people have late at night when they're bolloxed etc... .Yes I'm confident that's when it'll start.

[Suzn]

Moonie... Take a breath man. There's no way to know for sure she will attempt to contact you. It sounds as though you have a plan for you if she does. Eh, they broke up. Or had an argument. There's always a chance they could make up, like, tonight. You're worried and not sleeping. I know this is hard, try some breathing exercises or take a walk to clear your mind a little. Take care of you so that you can think clearly and stay healthy.

You say you aren't far along in your healing, well, you are much farther than you were. You are afraid you haven't had enough time yet... .you have all the time you need because you have already decided on detachment. You can change your mind and we'd still support you but if you have made your decision for moving on then remind yourself of this. You are the one in charge of you.  

There will be no tractor beam (for the trekkies amongst us)

[Moonie75]

Suzn,

Change my mind?

I'll be having The Care Bears round here for dinner before Changing my mind happens!

You're right I have no firm cement guarantee that she'll be in touch. But, we've recycled several times before (when I was less educated). She left for another guy last year too. I've experienced her reconnects too many times before. There's a pattern to here behaviours & it's always been consistent. I'll serve myself best assuming this time will fit the pattern so as to avoid frustration later for not drawing on previous experience.

Yes they might sort things out. But her fb has been hinting at dissatisfaction for the last week or so, with those hints getting stronger & more direct each day. I heard today that she's confessed to him that she compares him to me & I win. (That would be flattering if she weren't disordered). I don't see him hanging around to fix things after her saying that to him do you?

I hope I'm wrong as much as I hope for world peace! I'm guarded & anxious, I'll be jumping out of my skin every time my mobile's txt alert goes off!

But I won't officially lose the plot till I've actually faced an attempt to connect & then talked it over on here. I hopefully will just need to vent & get it off my chest.

But fear not, I won't be asking for advice on cooking for the The Care Bears!

[Learning_curve74]

Yes they might sort things out. But her fb has been hinting at dissatisfaction for the last week or so, with those hints getting stronger & more direct each day. I heard today that she's confessed to him that she compares him to me & I win. (That would be flattering if she weren't disordered). I don't see him hanging around to fix things after her saying that to him do you?

I hope I'm wrong as much as I hope for world peace! I'm guarded & anxious, I'll be jumping out of my skin every time my mobile's txt alert goes off!

Hey Moonie, it's true, you just never know what your ex will do. You don't know how the other fellow will react either. Many of us stuck around after much worse treatment than what it appears her current guy is hearing from her.

Can you block texts from her on your phone? Do you have plans for disengaging from surprise attempts at contact?

[confusedhubby]

hi moonie.

no matter what happens I know you'll do the right thing. just know your friends from this thread are behind you 100%.


you're an inspiration to many of us.

[Moonie75]

Learning Curve,

I don't have the ability to block txts to my phone from her number. (I did with last phone but annoyingly not this one)

I'm self employed so answer calls from numbers I don't know every day.

My plan for surprise contact attempts... .If I answer to a number I don't know & nobody speaks, I'm gonna hang up (same if they do speak & it turns out to be her). If it's a physical attempt to accidentally bump into me I'll just keep walking. If I'm in a building, I will leave immediately. I'm fairly sure she won't actually turn up at my flat or workshop, she's never been that brave before (I know, shame based fear of rejection & risks of being rejected & hurting are too great for her to go out on a limb & take that chance).

If she tries to 'put the feelers' out to take my temp via friends I'll shut the conversation down politely. If they persist I'll be less polite. (it's none of their business anyway & I'll exercise the right to say so). I won't listen to voicemails or open emails from her either.

That's about all the plan I've got.

[Moonie75]

Confusedhubby,

Thank you.

I think many here inspire each other.

[Moonie75]

My relationship with her has been like riding a wild stallion. It's been lots of fun but it almost took my life. Now all I need is a simple steed, to take me where I need, without putting up a fight!

[Suzn]

I heard today that she's confessed to him that she compares him to me & I win. (That would be flattering if she weren't disordered). I don't see him hanging around to fix things after her saying that to him do you?

Oh my gosh, I heard this from several of my ex's ex's... .only to see them go back. 

You sound hyped up and I totally get that. Coping with the anxiety in a healthy way is part of recovery. What's your plan for that?

[Learning_curve74]

I don't have the ability to block txts to my phone from her number. (I did with last phone but annoyingly not this one)

I'm self employed so answer calls from numbers I don't know every day.

My plan for surprise contact attempts... .If I answer to a number I don't know & nobody speaks, I'm gonna hang up (same if they do speak & it turns out to be her). If it's a physical attempt to accidentally bump into me I'll just keep walking. If I'm in a building, I will leave immediately. I'm fairly sure she won't actually turn up at my flat or workshop, she's never been that brave before (I know, shame based fear of rejection & risks of being rejected & hurting are too great for her to go out on a limb & take that chance).

If she tries to 'put the feelers' out to take my temp via friends I'll shut the conversation down politely. If they persist I'll be less polite. (it's none of their business anyway & I'll exercise the right to say so). I won't listen to voicemails or open emails from her either.

I really like the idea of asking friends not to talk about her. I know that is something I should do myself, so thanks for the reminder!