My room, at the end of a long, dark hallway

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey guys,

Tonight I decided to post and process. I'm sharing this because I want to share. I feel it resonates with my strong fear of abandonment that I had throughout the last relationship. My ex and I used to go to sleep in this full-body cuddle. It felt almost drug-like. It seemed to dampen a lot of the fears I had of abandonment. If you have any thoughts, similar experiences, or comments, please share. Thanks.  

It’s been 6 weeks since my breakup with my uBPD-exGF. A lot has been said here about how our relationships with pwBPD bring up core issues, often with our parents. I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my parents. Tonight I’m thinking about last few years of their marriage. My parents seemed to be well-respected by other adults. But, when other adults weren’t around they fought violently.  

For the last 3-4 years they were together (a chunk of time when it’s from age 7 through 11),  the house, the family, every last thing that I felt I could possibly cling to, was in limbo. Behind their often-closed bedroom door, I would hear my parents hysterically yelling, rarely making out what they were saying. Sometimes I just had to quietly tiptoe up to the door, perhaps to get some strange sense of resolution? I don’t know. But the closer I’d get, the more likely I was to jump at the sudden thud of a flying chair hitting the door, or worse, the door slamming open.

For those last few years, fights like this became more frequent. But just as things seemed to get worse, my parents were also making plans for the future – new furniture, remodeling, looking at new homes. I didn’t know what to make of all of this. My father’s temper and paranoia were getting worse,  my mother was becoming less available. I had an active imagination. I was sensitive to my mother's fearful responses. (As an adult, I learned she had been raped as a young girl.) With all of the violence in my house, I was even more fearful of what was outside of the house - strangers, kidnappers, etc. Aside from a few close friends, I trusted no one. I remember at 8 having a scary moment and running to my mother. Annoyed, she simply backed away and moved my hands off her. I learned later that my mother had had an affair, at least during the last year of their marriage.  

Perhaps it was to save the marriage, I still don’t know, but my parents had some additions to the house. They had a new room built at the end of a long hallway. Originally it was to be my mom’s art studio. They decided to let me use it as my bedroom. It sort of became storage for her paintings as well. With parents that both had NPD traits, I learned that the only way I could be myself, was out of their sight, otherwise I was simply a projection screen for each. When one of my parents was away, or my grandma was there, things were calm. The room was simply a quiet place for me to read and be myself. The rest of the time, I felt I needed to be vigilant of every noise or unpleasant tone. For all I knew they were hysterically talking about me. At these times, I was well-aware of how isolated I felt. At these times, my room was at the end of a long, dark hallway.  

[DeRetour]

Hey guys,

Tonight I decided to post and process. I'm sharing this because I want to share. I feel it resonates with my strong fear of abandonment that I had throughout the last relationship. My ex and I used to go to sleep in this full-body cuddle. It felt almost drug-like. It seemed to dampen a lot of the fears I had of abandonment. If you have any thoughts, similar experiences, or comments, please share. Thanks.  

It’s been 6 weeks since my breakup with my uBPD-exGF. A lot has been said here about how our relationships with pwBPD bring up core issues, often with our parents. I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my parents. Tonight I’m thinking about last few years of their marriage. My parents seemed to be well-respected by other adults. But, when other adults weren’t around they fought violently.  

For the last 3-4 years they were together (a chunk of time when it’s from age 7 through 11),  the house, the family, every last thing that I felt I could possibly cling to, was in limbo. Behind their often-closed bedroom door, I would hear my parents hysterically yelling, rarely making out what they were saying. Sometimes I just had to quietly tiptoe up to the door, perhaps to get some strange sense of resolution? I don’t know. But the closer I’d get, the more likely I was to jump at the sudden thud of a flying chair hitting the door, or worse, the door slamming open.

For those last few years, fights like this became more frequent. But just as things seemed to get worse, my parents were also making plans for the future – new furniture, remodeling, looking at new homes. I didn’t know what to make of all of this. My father’s temper and paranoia were getting worse,  my mother was becoming less available. I had an active imagination. I was sensitive to my mother's fearful responses. (As an adult, I learned she had been raped as a young girl.) With all of the violence in my house, I was even more fearful of what was outside of the house - strangers, kidnappers, etc. Aside from a few close friends, I trusted no one. I remember at 8 having a scary moment and running to my mother. Annoyed, she simply backed away and moved my hands off her. I learned later that my mother had had an affair, at least during the last year of their marriage.  

Perhaps it was to save the marriage, I still don’t know, but my parents had some additions to the house. They had a new room built at the end of a long hallway. Originally it was to be my mom’s art studio. They decided to let me use it as my bedroom. It sort of became storage for her paintings as well. With parents that both had NPD traits, I learned that the only way I could be myself, was out of their sight, otherwise I was simply a projection screen for each. When one of my parents was away, or my grandma was there, things were calm. The room was simply a quiet place for me to read and be myself. The rest of the time, I felt I needed to be vigilant of every noise or unpleasant tone. For all I knew they were hysterically talking about me. At these times, I was well-aware of how isolated I felt. At these times, my room was at the end of a long, dark hallway.  

[Surnia]

DeRetour

A very insightful post. And very well written. I can feel the lonelyness of Little Deretour and see the room at the end of the hallway. A bit like a painting from Edward Hopper.

I think you are on something very important.

[DeRetour]

Surnia,

First off thank you for reading. I realize that I had posted memories of this perhaps less than a week ago. Reading this over, I realize I've been processing this theme recently, and its relationship to my own issues with abandonment. It's really hard to even post up here about it. Anyway thank you for sharing your thoughts and encouragement.

deretour

[seeking balance]

My ex and I used to go to sleep in this full-body cuddle. It felt almost drug-like. It seemed to dampen a lot of the fears I had of abandonment. If you have any thoughts, similar experiences, or comments, please share. Thanks.  

My ex and I slept like this too - I had a very hard time sleeping the first year after we split actually.  Now - I LOVE sleeping alone, mainly because I am totally ok with myself.


You are digging deep with the cause and effect of your emotions - very cool to watch.  Thank you for sharing.

Peace,

SB

[Lucky Jim]

Hi DeRetour, Your experiences from childhood are quite similar to my own, so I relate to much of what you have shared.  I, too, felt extremely isolated at times, particularly after my siblings left for college (they were 6 & 7 years ahead of me at school).  When they left the home, something shifted in my parents' marriage, and the frequency and intensity of their arguments increased dramatically.  I later learned, like you, that my mother had had an affair during this period.

I would be interested to know whether you view these experiences as leading, in some ineluctable way, to your relationship with a pwBPD.  For me, I suspect my wounds from childhood made me highly susceptible to the pull of a BPD r/s.  I was married to my uBPDexW for 16 years, so it took a long time for me learn and move on from this unhealthy dynamic.

It's only been six weeks since your breakup, so all of this is still new and raw to you.  I suggest you go easy on yourself and take good care of yourself and your feelings while working through these issues.  You are off to a great start!

Hang in there,

Lucky Jim

[Hazelrah]

Hey guys,

Tonight I decided to post and process. I'm sharing this because I want to share. I feel it resonates with my strong fear of abandonment that I had throughout the last relationship. My ex and I used to go to sleep in this full-body cuddle. It felt almost drug-like. It seemed to dampen a lot of the fears I had of abandonment. If you have any thoughts, similar experiences, or comments, please share. Thanks.  

DeRetour,

Your entire post was excellent, but the part about falling asleep embracing my W did hit a nerve.  She always needed to be held when falling asleep--I thought it was completely endearing and it made me feel like the most special person in her world.  Since she's been gone (~2 months), I've found it incredibly hard to sleep in that same bed.  I find myself sleeping on the couch with the TV on--the location doesn't hold those same memories, and the noise from the television helps drown out some of the ruminations.  The thoughts are beginning to subside with time, but I'm not nearly comfortable with complete silence at night as of yet.  

[DeRetour]

SB,

Good to hear from you.

Now - I LOVE sleeping alone, mainly because I am totally ok with myself.

And I'm happy to hear that you are at a point in your life where you can do this.

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

-deretour

[DeRetour]

Hi DeRetour, Your experiences from childhood are quite similar to my own, so I relate to much of what you have shared.  I, too, felt extremely isolated at times, particularly after my siblings left for college (they were 6 & 7 years ahead of me at school).  When they left the home, something shifted in my parents' marriage, and the frequency and intensity of their arguments increased dramatically.  I later learned, like you, that my mother had had an affair during this period.

Lucky Jim,

I'm so sorry that this was your experience. Reading your response, I got a bit sad (and please know that I really appreciate that you shared this, it helps to know you're not completely alone). As the oldest sibling, I often wonder what the experience must have been like for my sister and brother. I really don't feel comfortable talking with them about this stuff with them yet.  Our dad died, years back not long after I had left for college. For one, I'm afraid it will activate a lot of stress. Besides, they're both married to mentally healthy partners - at least as far as I know. So that's good.

I would be interested to know whether you view these experiences as leading, in some ineluctable way, to your relationship with a pwBPD.  For me, I suspect my wounds from childhood made me highly susceptible to the pull of a BPD r/s. .

To answer your question, absolutely. Before I had met my uBPD-exGF, I was going through a divorce. My ex-wife and I certainly had trauma in common, but I seriously doubt, to this day, that she had BPD.

On the other hand, with my ex-GF, it had barely been 4 weeks after meeting, that we really looked at each other and broke down in tears at the same time. Before I even said anything about it, she said exactly what I was feeling: "I feel like we've known each other for a long time, like you're the half I've been missing." Yikes. I look back and realize that I've felt this unrest for as long as I could remember. It's a feeling as though I've been starving for love my whole life. And somehow, this girl felt like... .home. Like my mom, she's an artist, and always making big promises, with the constant feeling that she's about to leave or have a tantrum, but I'd never know why. Lucky Jim, excellent question.

It's only been six weeks since your breakup, so all of this is still new and raw to you.  I suggest you go easy on yourself and take good care of yourself and your feelings while working through these issues.  You are off to a great start!

Thank you, Jim

-deretour

[DeRetour]

... .the part about falling asleep embracing my W did hit a nerve.  She always needed to be held when falling asleep--I thought it was completely endearing and it made me feel like the most special person in her world.  Since she's been gone (~2 months), I've found it incredibly hard to sleep in that same bed.  I find myself sleeping on the couch with the TV on--the location doesn't hold those same memories, and the noise from the television helps drown out some of the ruminations.  The thoughts are beginning to subside with time, but I'm not nearly comfortable with complete silence at night as of yet.  

Hazelrah,

I'm terribly sorry that you've had this particular kind of loss. Will you plan to eventually move back to your bed? It might be better for your back. A bad back can kind of suck, but I can totally understand this. Sleeping alone really sucks. You know,I do something similar. I thought about getting one of those white noise things, but the problem with those is that it's too synthetic. But yes, often I'll have the TV on and sometimes I'll wake up in the morning to some infomercial about "Failure to tithe" or something ridiculous. That, and... .it's embarrassing to say... .but I leave my bathroom light on, with the door open a crack. I just hate sleeping alone.

Thanks for sharing. And be good to you.

-deretour