Stockholm syndrome: why we love our abusers and can't leave?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just read this article and had my mind blown!

Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The mystery of loving an abuser by Dr. Joeseph M. Carver

It has been found that four situations or conditions are present that serve as a foundation for the development of Stockholm Syndrome. These four situations can be found in hostage, severe abuse, and abusive relationships:

1. The presence of a perceived threat to one’s physical or psychological survival

2. The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim

3. Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser

4. The perceived inability to escape the situation

Wow, I just realized how much this applied to my BPD relationship.

1. Perceived threat to physical or psychological survival: I thought that she was "the one" that could really make me happy, and if I lost her, I would be losing such a great chance at having my "soulmate" in my life. We shared a lot of things in common, both stuff she mirrored and hobbies and interests that I knew she was into before she met me. She also idealized me and made me feel so special, something that I hadn't felt in a long time, and to lose that... .it would hurt so much, something that I'd learned before from other failed relationships.

2. Perceived kindness from the abuser to the victim: She gave me cute little gifts now and then. She could be loving and caring. She would do things, bend her ways for me that she wouldn't for other people. It was stuff she did that made me feel sympathetic to her too. And I felt even more sympathetic when she told me about her mental illness. The little things gave me hope. It didn't have to be a lot, but just enough to tell myself that she was trying to make it work.

3. Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser: Walking on eggshells... .Trying so hard to avoid problems, I started to try and see the world from her perspective so I could understand how not to trigger her, how to comfort her, how to stay with her. When she got mad at me for trivial things, it became my fault and I'd apologize for stuff that didn't need to be apologized for! I could laugh the wrong way and then find myself apologizing for it because I felt it annoyed her!

4. Perceived inability to escape: She told me she loved me so much she couldn't survive if I left her. I thought I couldn't just give up. One of her greatest fears was fear of abandonment, so how could I escape? Plus I invested so much into making the relationship work, how could I just give that up? The first time I was going to leave she told me she was suicidal, how could I escape from that kind of extreme threat and guilt? I was feeling so up and down and confused that I felt that I didn't have the energy and willpower to escape even if I'd wanted to.


The second part of the article talks about Cognitive Dissonance: How I changed my viewpoints or opinions to support a situation that was unhealthy. From the article:

Studies tell us we are more loyal and committed to something that is difficult, uncomfortable, and even humiliating. The initiation rituals of college fraternities, Marine boot camp, and graduate school all produce loyal and committed individuals. Almost any ordeal creates a bonding experience. Every couple, no matter how mismatched, falls in love in the movies after going through a terrorist takeover, being stalked by a killer, being stranded on an island, or being involved in an alien abduction. Investment and an ordeal are ingredients for a strong bonding – even if the bonding is unhealthy. No one bonds or falls in love by being a member of the Automobile Club or a music CD club. Struggling to survive on a deserted island – you bet!

Justifying... .Wow, this relationship is so difficult that we must be destined to be together, right? 

One way I fooled myself was thinking I was trying so hard that it must be worth it in the end. It sounds like a great love story: guy meets crazy girl, she makes him crazy, we go through crazy times together, we go through crazy trying times, we almost break up, but... .then we realize we're perfectly in love and live happily ever after!   

But in reality, I tried to justify and minimize her behavior too much for too long.

[Learning_curve74]

I just read this article and had my mind blown!

Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The mystery of loving an abuser by Dr. Joeseph M. Carver

It has been found that four situations or conditions are present that serve as a foundation for the development of Stockholm Syndrome. These four situations can be found in hostage, severe abuse, and abusive relationships:

1. The presence of a perceived threat to one’s physical or psychological survival

2. The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim

3. Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser

4. The perceived inability to escape the situation

Wow, I just realized how much this applied to my BPD relationship.

1. Perceived threat to physical or psychological survival: I thought that she was "the one" that could really make me happy, and if I lost her, I would be losing such a great chance at having my "soulmate" in my life. We shared a lot of things in common, both stuff she mirrored and hobbies and interests that I knew she was into before she met me. She also idealized me and made me feel so special, something that I hadn't felt in a long time, and to lose that... .it would hurt so much, something that I'd learned before from other failed relationships.

2. Perceived kindness from the abuser to the victim: She gave me cute little gifts now and then. She could be loving and caring. She would do things, bend her ways for me that she wouldn't for other people. It was stuff she did that made me feel sympathetic to her too. And I felt even more sympathetic when she told me about her mental illness. The little things gave me hope. It didn't have to be a lot, but just enough to tell myself that she was trying to make it work.

3. Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser: Walking on eggshells... .Trying so hard to avoid problems, I started to try and see the world from her perspective so I could understand how not to trigger her, how to comfort her, how to stay with her. When she got mad at me for trivial things, it became my fault and I'd apologize for stuff that didn't need to be apologized for! I could laugh the wrong way and then find myself apologizing for it because I felt it annoyed her!

4. Perceived inability to escape: She told me she loved me so much she couldn't survive if I left her. I thought I couldn't just give up. One of her greatest fears was fear of abandonment, so how could I escape? Plus I invested so much into making the relationship work, how could I just give that up? The first time I was going to leave she told me she was suicidal, how could I escape from that kind of extreme threat and guilt? I was feeling so up and down and confused that I felt that I didn't have the energy and willpower to escape even if I'd wanted to.


The second part of the article talks about Cognitive Dissonance: How I changed my viewpoints or opinions to support a situation that was unhealthy. From the article:

Studies tell us we are more loyal and committed to something that is difficult, uncomfortable, and even humiliating. The initiation rituals of college fraternities, Marine boot camp, and graduate school all produce loyal and committed individuals. Almost any ordeal creates a bonding experience. Every couple, no matter how mismatched, falls in love in the movies after going through a terrorist takeover, being stalked by a killer, being stranded on an island, or being involved in an alien abduction. Investment and an ordeal are ingredients for a strong bonding – even if the bonding is unhealthy. No one bonds or falls in love by being a member of the Automobile Club or a music CD club. Struggling to survive on a deserted island – you bet!

Justifying... .Wow, this relationship is so difficult that we must be destined to be together, right? 

One way I fooled myself was thinking I was trying so hard that it must be worth it in the end. It sounds like a great love story: guy meets crazy girl, she makes him crazy, we go through crazy times together, we go through crazy trying times, we almost break up, but... .then we realize we're perfectly in love and live happily ever after!   

But in reality, I tried to justify and minimize her behavior too much for too long.

[Blaise]

Great post. Nothing to add. My dBPDexgf worked very hard at isolating me. In 21/2 years, she had me convinced that (1) my ex-wife was a stupid, cold and nasty b__, (2) my partners in my firm were worthless and (3) I should spend less time with my kids... .She became, in fact, my only perspective

[Surnia]

This book, The betrayal Bond could be an addition to the topic.

I did not read it myself.

[ts919]

That article really hit home with me... .great find!

It's given me some resolve - thank you!

[Lucky Jim]

Hi LC, Concur that Stockholm Syndrome often plays a part in the BPD quagmire.  It's akin to mind control: you isolate the victim, abuse him/her, give small favors and pretty soon the victim feels helpless and co-dependent.  In my case, my friends and family recognized that I was suffering to some degree from Stockholm Syndrome married to a pwBPD, and they conducted an intervention that helped me to detach and move on, which was a humbling yet powerful experience.  Great post!  Lucky Jim

[slimmiller]

Wow. Awesome read! Thanks

I m currently reading "Stop being the caretaker to a BPD or Narcissist"  It touches on a lot of this subject.

I always had some difficulty saying I m co-dependet and now after reading more about it I see I m much more of a 'caretaker'. The oldest in my family, always rooting for the underdog etc.  Above and beyond what is even remotely healthy



The question is now more of why do I need to play that role?

It is largely due to programming (in NLP talk) I received in the formative years

[ts919]

Slimmiller - that is a great book; I'm just now finishing it up.  I thought the whole Drama Triangle thing was just amazing. 

[Emelie Emelie]

That was a great article.  And your comments reflected a lot of my feelings in the relationship. 

[EatingOranges]

Excellant post.  I've read the article and it really resonated. 

And Blaise, your Comment:  "She became, in fact, my only perspective"  -That was my life exactly.

Wow!

[gallerykey]

I feel Ive just been reading about me :-(

[wdone]

i do believe this is a dynamic thats been established in my relationship and a (probably big) part of why i stay with him.  I have all the books on this subject: including,

The betrayal bond, and

Why does he do that?

i'm once again exploring this at my local domestic violence shelter/program... .

i have been pretty confused lately - which goes with this syndrome... .and just trying to sort it out and be willing to look at all that goes with it. and how i feel and what is healthy and what i want... .

i love him, a lot.  and, i have always thought stockholm syndrome was in place.  i studied it in college and remembered it well as it was so shocking. 

[toomanytears]

Just spent the afternoon weeping after emailing my BPDh who has left our home that I did not want to see him that afternoon and that we should have no contact for a while. 

Actually I didn't have the guts to write that. I said I'd been advised by the counsellor no contact for a while. It was so hard but I knew it would be no good and set me back days of grieving. His last email was so angry. And I got the sweetest reply from him with a little kiss at the end. That sent me into a spiral. I simply hadn't anticipated the physical reaction to that tiny act of kindness. And I cried on and off for several hours.

Then my way back from Pilates class, weeping as I was driving, I remembered this post. The cloud of despair is starting to lift again. Boy it helps! Thanks learning curve 

[Linlu53]

Great post! I've spent countless hours trying to figure out why I stay. I'd really like to think I would get along just fine without him. But he does give me small mercies every day. And I used to hope things would get better. I think now I know better. Which has been freeing and sobering at the same time. I have been isolated more in the early years of our marriage than I am now. He still monitors my Facebook page and always wants the phone on speaker when I talk on the phone. I have been the one to leave him 3 times during our 35 year marriage. He tells me it almost killed him the last time. He wouldn't survive on his own etc. I guess that guilt keeps me here, too.

[eeyore]

Does Mr. Carver also outline how to overcome Stockholm syndrome?

[Learning_curve74]

Does Mr. Carver also outline how to overcome Stockholm syndrome?

I'm not sure there would be a lot of difference from the tools and emotional growth we talk about here in trying to become nonattached to our exes or stbxSOs. Here are a couple links to his articles: Relationship red flags and Dr. Joeseph Carver's articles.

I think examining the possible mechanisms behind our attachment to partners that were obviously unhealthy and/or toxic to us can help objectify things, take us out of being overly emotional. That is why reading Dr. Carver's article about Stockholm Syndrome was useful to me.

[eeyore]

I'm not sure there would be a lot of difference from the tools and emotional growth we talk about here in trying to become nonattached to our exes or stbxSOs.

I understand what you are saying, to make changes we have to identifying the problem after that I think we need to start the healing process. 

Sometimes such as the case of the Cleveland kidnapping by Areil Castro those three girls suffered from Stockholm's syndrome and it wasn't a fault of theirs.  They were kidnapped as children.  It's easy to see why they would suffer from being kidnapped.  It's easy to see they would need psychological help.  It's easy to see why they would have difficulty moving forward.

But at some point in time you (I) have  to stop blaming what ever it is, such as your (my) FOO issues, take responsibility for your (my) happiness by dealing with your (my) feelings.  To me it's just like our pwBPD.  Just going through the motions of lessons or years of therapy doesn't truly fix the problem until we (I) take responsibility for ourselves (myself) and our (my) happiness. Otherwise, We  (I) have become our (my) own worst enemy stuck blaming someone else.   That's my 2 cents. 

[anystar]

I'm glad I read this article but is it REALLY hard to accept that the emotional abuse was so severe as to meet the criteria of stockholm syndrome.

when I think about it, I began to see the "small kindnesses" (compliments, love notes, cooking me my favorite food) as the REAL relationship when really it was the relief from what the relationship had become, which was highly dysfunctional. to cope with the conflicts, I saw the fights as deviations from the sweet, caring "norm"... .when it reality, if I graphed the sweetness vs the misery, the misery would always win. and modifying my behavior to "spare" triggering him! I did that multiple times a day. and I have always feared that my leaving him would lead to suicidal ideation/attempts on his part, so I felt caged in by that threat.

I finally left, but one day soon I'm going to have to tell him that it's over for real forever, and then face the possibility of suicide threats. that is the last hurdle for me. getting to the place where I understand he is truly NOT my responsibility so I can finally tell the truth.

[Mazda]

Hi everyone,

I also stumbled upon Stockholm syndrome a few months ago and has asked my psychiatrist about it, however she clarifies that Stockholm syndrome is a lot more severe, meaning that it is present when you are held hostage or some strong difficult position that is that severe for it to be classified as Stockholm syndrome.  I do, however, still think that the same psychological scars exist after a BPD relationship and a lot of insight can be gained by reading up on it, but just something to keep in mind.

Heal well... .

Maz x

[Waifed]

Great post. Nothing to add. My dBPDexgf worked very hard at isolating me. In 21/2 years, she had me convinced that (1) my ex-wife was a stupid, cold and nasty b__, (2) my partners in my firm were worthless and (3) I should spend less time with my kids... .She became, in fact, my only perspective

Wow,  sounds identical to my relationship... .It is nuts to think about the control she had on me and my lack of seeing it at the time.

[Skip]

asked my psychiatrist about it, however she clarifies that Stockholm syndrome is a lot more severe, meaning that it is present when you are held hostage or some strong difficult position that is that severe for it to be classified as Stockholm syndrome.

I don't want to say never... .but few if any of us would be categorized as suffering from Stockholm Syndrome by a clinician practicing in this field.

Mazda's psychiatrist is right, Stockholm is very rare and is associated with tremendous emotional and often physical duress.  Lima Syndrome is actually more common - the abuser bonds with the captive.  The whole capture-bonding response is indeed deeply ingrained in the basic human psyche - a survival instinct.

The article by J. Carver is a "point of view" article, not a clinical paper with peer review. Interesting perspective, but not mainstream thinking by capture-boding experts. This is not to say that the article is not valuable.  The article makes some very good points especially after the section "Perceived Inability to Escape" where he describes the dynamics that often exists in abusive relationships (especially for females) like financial dependence.  These conditions are described in a lot of domestic violence literature.

The tie of all of this to Stockholm syndrome is dubious at best and the implied premeditation by the "abuser" is overstated - a lot of these things are situational.

Here is Dr. Carver's resume: www.drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous1.htm

Here is a peer reviewed article:



Stockholm Syndrome is poplar in the media, but it doesn't appear in the DSM.

Stockholm Syndrome as a "condition" has more to do with legal cases than clinical cases.

So... .urban legend... .mostly.