Don't know if GF has BPD.. She falsely accuses me of abuse

[Viking]

 Anyone experiencing this? She's told my friends I do a whole litany of things that are abusive... These are people she barely knows... Also posted it in FB. She quickly deleted it but enough people saw it.

I'm losing friends quickly... She agreed to go to therapy... I found one who specializes in dbt... She gets furious when I tell her she may have BPD... Does it sound like she has it? Help... I'm staying for now...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AliveButBeatup]

Words of wisdom. Don't walk away. Run!  I suspect you are seeing just the tip of the iceberg.

I went the distance and got married. I saw the signs. I ignored them. A very costly lesson. Both financially and emotionally.  I was thrown into a world of chaos and craziness. Things are calmer although I do have fear for physical safety and what residual crap will show up from my ex-wife with BPD.  Someone used the term of being painted black. That is an apt description.

Wish you the best!

[Viking]

This is the staying message board... Appreciate the input... None if it was really applicable ... I was asking for other member's experiences regarding fictitious accounts of abuse and if this sounds like BPD... Thx.

[allibaba]

Viking,

I don't have any experience specifically with my uBPDh making allegations of abuse publicly, but I know when he gets dyregulated he will accuse me of verbal and emotional abuse.  I think that that is a very common attribute of BPD and NPD. 

Have you checked out some of the links on the right (the lessons)?  There are excellent tools that will begin to deflate some of the random drama and conflict in communication.  I found them and the experience of the senior members of this board to be a real life saver for me. 

Welcome to bpdfamily and good luck!

[Viking]

 Thx Alibaba... Will check the links... Any members experience false abuse reports to friends and others ? She also runs to her mom's for sometimes a month without provocation ... Telling me she's coming home but always breaks her plans.

[j4c]

hi Viking. sorry things aren't great right now.

A few things I picked up from your post, it sounds pretty obvious shes accusing you of being the abuser because in reality it is her that is dishing out the abuse. This is called projection and very common with pwBPD. You are also the victim of her smear campaign. She does this so that everyone thinks that shes the victim. Sadly some people fall for their BS because they are very good at manipulation and lying... .and why wouldn't they be - they've spent their entire lives perfecting it! Its also common for them to agree to therapy, clearly that states shes aware of her behaviour but then when you suggest BPD she flips out! Sound crazy?

Its such a shame your friends are taking her side pal, and in answer to your question yes it does sound like shes got it but whether its BPD or not her behaviour is unhealthy and probably wont get any better.

Good luck whatever you decide and keep us updated.

[eyvindr]

Hi Viking,

Sorry to hear your dealing with this. It's got to feel overwhelming and out of control.

Sadly, making false accusations of abuse is a pretty common tactic used by pwBPD. It's almost the perfect weapon for them -- it's intimidating (FEAR), it begs for a response (OBLIGATION) and it casts a huge cloud over your actions (GUILT). It's also punitive as hell to their target, while giving the pwBPD a full-body dip into the "I'm being abused!/Victim" paint bin.

Document as much as you can -- save threatening txts and messages, if you've received any, and if not then document things yourself.

It's sad to hear that some people, based on your post, are apparently buying into her BS. If they really believe her, then they don't really know you, and they aren't true friends -- let them go, if that's the case.

Hang in there.

[Viking]

hi Viking. sorry things aren't great right now.

A few things I picked up from your post, it sounds pretty obvious shes accusing you of being the abuser because in reality it is her that is dishing out the abuse. This is called projection and very common with pwBPD. You are also the victim of her smear campaign. She does this so that everyone thinks that shes the victim. Sadly some people fall for their BS because they are very good at manipulation and lying... .and why wouldn't they be - they've spent their entire lives perfecting it! Its also common for them to agree to therapy, clearly that states shes aware of her behaviour but then when you suggest BPD she flips out! Sound crazy?

Its such a shame your friends are taking her side pal, and in answer to your question yes it does sound like shes got it but whether its BPD or not her behaviour is unhealthy and probably wont get any better.

Good luck whatever you decide and keep us updated.

I'm mentally prepared to leave if need be... She says she won't budge until I admit to this abuse... Should make for an interesting therapy session... I'm over being upset... I feel strong...

[Viking]

Hi Viking,

Sorry to hear your dealing with this. It's got to feel overwhelming and out of control.

Sadly, making false accusations of abuse is a pretty common tactic used by pwBPD. It's almost the perfect weapon for them -- it's intimidating (FEAR), it begs for a response (OBLIGATION) and it casts a huge cloud over your actions (GUILT). It's also punitive as hell to their target, while giving the pwBPD a full-body dip into the "I'm being abused!/Victim" paint bin.

Document as much as you can -- save threatening txts and messages, if you've received any, and if not then document things yourself.

It's sad to hear that some people, based on your post, are apparently buying into her BS. If they really believe her, then they don't really know you, and they aren't true friends -- let them go, if that's the case.

Hang in there.

people are coming back around .  There are too many inconsistencies in her story's ... It's down to the wire  ... I am strong enough to walk away if no improvement .  The escape plan is made...

[eyvindr]

I'm mentally prepared to leave if need be... She says she won't budge until I admit to this abuse... Should make for an interesting therapy session... I'm over being upset... I feel strong...

Good for you, Viking. Stay in that place, mentally. My ex pulled the same crap on me as a way to explain why she wouldn't go to therapy -- said every time she goes, they all keep telling her the same thing -- that I'm abusive, and she's in an abusive r-ship and should leave. My response always was to agree with her therapists (if indeed she even talked to any) -- "I know I'm not abusive, but if that's how you view our r-ship, then, as your friend, you I also should immediately get out of it."

She never would.

All a big scare tactic. As convincing as pwBPD can be, we should remember that, deep down, we want to be able to believe them; the rest of the (non-FOGged) world has no such hang-ups. A good therapist would see right through that crap.

Sounds like you have drawn boundaries, at least virtually for your own sanity, and you are enforcing them. Stay strong, but be careful! If possible, try not to expose yourself to more false accusation by being alone with her. If she starts up any kind of confrontation, you need to immediately walk away from it and avoid being drawn in at all costs.

Hang in there.

[allibaba]

I'm mentally prepared to leave if need be... She says she won't budge until I admit to this abuse... Should make for an interesting therapy session... I'm over being upset... I feel strong...

Whatever you do... .don't EVER admit to something that you didn't do... .   

[VeryFree]

I've been through this.

First time when we were married for three years. She accused me of DV (obviously not true), but told me she wouldn't tell the world. I didn't do anything about it... .

Soon enough I found out she told a lot of people, even people she didn't know. I didn't loose any friend over it. She did... .I didn't do anything about it... .

So now and then she would repost her accusations. I didn't do anything about it... .

Fast forward seven years... .She attacked me, called the cops on me and accused me falsely of DV again. Told the whole world. Again I didn't do anything about it... .It didn't cost me any friend. It cost her a few people.

Looking back I should have been out the first time. Would have had seven better years. Didn't do it.

I don't know what you can do other then read the lessons on these boards. Learn to use the tool offered and hope it will work.