Friends and Social Events

[Chances]

I am just so excited that I found this website! None of my friends or family know what my boyfriend and I go through every day!

So friends and social settings.

Boy are they hard to have when your with someone with BPD.

       How many times have to had to deal with this situation? You tell them days, weeks, months in advance about a party or social activity. You invite them (and maybe guilty of hoping they dont want to come   ) They say yes, of course they want to come. Because deep down they are good people, they just want to be socially accepted just like everyone else. So you keep reminding them that its coming up, because of course they never remember anything and also because you dont want them to act all surprised and like they are being forced into doing something. But of course, what happens 5 minutes before you are supposed to leave the house? An explosion. Now everyone has tear-eyes, their voice is cracked from yelling, and your hair is RUINED because you had to pull it out in order to handle the situation. At this point you have to make a choice, do I just leave them? I know they will be blowing up my phone and REALLY want to get into when I get back. But hey, at least I can go out and have a few hours with out them. Or, do I stick it out until the rage is over, show up to the event a few hours late, and pretend like everything is honky dory?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Blazing Star]

Hi Chances!



I was so excited when I found this site too, knowing there was support from people who 'got it'!

But hey, at least I can go out and have a few hours with out them. Or, do I stick it out until the rage is over, show up to the event a few hours late, and pretend like everything is honky dory?

Have you had a look at the lessons yet - over on the right, these are a great set of resources to work through, and have improved my relationship bucket loads.

Taking a look through the lessons you will see that generally we advise not sticking around for rages. Step out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) and go out and enjoy the social event! Let your pwBPD that you are there for them, but not to be raged at, you are going, and you will be back later. Turn off your phone, and when you get back don't engage in the rage.

We are here to support you, let us know if you have any questions.

Love Blazing Star

[Seppe]

Is there a particular theme that repeats itself for your partner (i.e. I don't like your friends; or, we never get to do anything alone together... .or is it something unrelated to the event)?

[Chosen]

Hi Chances 

I can relate so much to your post.  As you said, sometimes our pwBPDs explode right before going to some event because they really don't want to go, and they agreed because it's the socially acceptable thing to do.   I find this to be true of my uBPDh too. 

What I sometimes do now is that:

1. Don't tell him about that until nearer the event, so he won't have so much time to worry about it and have emotions brewing up.

2. Tell him in advance, discuss whether he would like to go, etc. (of course won't work if he isn't the discussing type... .)

3. Tell him we are both invite to xyz, I would like to go, it is ok whether he wants to go or not.  Then, even if he said yes, or no, he may still blow up before leaving/ before you leave.  Not to encourage stepping on eggshells, but during that fragile time it is best to be more validating to him, realise that he may not want to go 100% and say it's ok if he backs out.  But stick to your own decision.  If you've decided you will go with or without him, this is what you will do.

Good luck and yes, do read the Lessons on the right and practise them!