accepting other's reactions... what to do when so few know the truth?

[Depression = 72% of members]

For me, one of the hardest things is accepting that no one can ever know what it’s been like for me. In a small community where we were social and had many friends, many people have been shocked to hear we have separated – particularly if/when they learn that I left very quickly and seemingly without remorse while he was in a psychiatric hospital, that I left him reeling without his children, a place to live, or the security and safety net that was our marriage and my frequent check-ins with him.

No one will ever know how hard I worked, for so many years, to smooth out the jagged edges, to soothe him and assure him that he was competent and respected, to talk him out of his more self-destructive impulses… no one will ever know how difficult our marriage was, for me.

No one will ever see the darkest moments – when I lay in bed wishing he would stay in the back room, listening to him rant and rage, hearing him slamming and screaming and swearing and feeling all too well the thin door between us. Knowing he would not hurt me physically but the arguments and accusations would be just as scarring in many ways as a physical wound. Knowing he would not stop once he got going even if our son awoke, came curious to the door – What’s wrong with Daddy? – or crying, scared, not for the first time.

People will wonder and gossip and talk and speculate, but no one can know what the past nine years have been like for me. What’s hardest is having to trust that people will rely on their knowledge that I am a smart, kind, thoughtful person – that no one would opt to be a single mother to two small children without good reason – that they can never know what really goes on in any relationship behind closed doors.

How do people do it? – How do you live knowing that no one will ever truly know what it’s been like for you? How do you hold your head high and fight the urge to constantly defend yourself to others, tell everyone what was REALLY going on?   

[yawp419]

For me, one of the hardest things is accepting that no one can ever know what it’s been like for me. In a small community where we were social and had many friends, many people have been shocked to hear we have separated – particularly if/when they learn that I left very quickly and seemingly without remorse while he was in a psychiatric hospital, that I left him reeling without his children, a place to live, or the security and safety net that was our marriage and my frequent check-ins with him.

No one will ever know how hard I worked, for so many years, to smooth out the jagged edges, to soothe him and assure him that he was competent and respected, to talk him out of his more self-destructive impulses… no one will ever know how difficult our marriage was, for me.

No one will ever see the darkest moments – when I lay in bed wishing he would stay in the back room, listening to him rant and rage, hearing him slamming and screaming and swearing and feeling all too well the thin door between us. Knowing he would not hurt me physically but the arguments and accusations would be just as scarring in many ways as a physical wound. Knowing he would not stop once he got going even if our son awoke, came curious to the door – What’s wrong with Daddy? – or crying, scared, not for the first time.

People will wonder and gossip and talk and speculate, but no one can know what the past nine years have been like for me. What’s hardest is having to trust that people will rely on their knowledge that I am a smart, kind, thoughtful person – that no one would opt to be a single mother to two small children without good reason – that they can never know what really goes on in any relationship behind closed doors.

How do people do it? – How do you live knowing that no one will ever truly know what it’s been like for you? How do you hold your head high and fight the urge to constantly defend yourself to others, tell everyone what was REALLY going on?   

[Ironmanrises]

For me, one of the hardest things is accepting that no one can ever know what it’s been like for me. In a small community where we were social and had many friends, many people have been shocked to hear we have separated – particularly if/when they learn that I left very quickly and seemingly without remorse while he was in a psychiatric hospital, that I left him reeling without his children, a place to live, or the security and safety net that was our marriage and my frequent check-ins with him.

No one will ever know how hard I worked, for so many years, to smooth out the jagged edges, to soothe him and assure him that he was competent and respected, to talk him out of his more self-destructive impulses… no one will ever know how difficult our marriage was, for me.

No one will ever see the darkest moments – when I lay in bed wishing he would stay in the back room, listening to him rant and rage, hearing him slamming and screaming and swearing and feeling all too well the thin door between us. Knowing he would not hurt me physically but the arguments and accusations would be just as scarring in many ways as a physical wound. Knowing he would not stop once he got going even if our son awoke, came curious to the door – What’s wrong with Daddy? – or crying, scared, not for the first time.

People will wonder and gossip and talk and speculate, but no one can know what the past nine years have been like for me. What’s hardest is having to trust that people will rely on their knowledge that I am a smart, kind, thoughtful person – that no one would opt to be a single mother to two small children without good reason – that they can never know what really goes on in any relationship behind closed doors.

How do people do it? – How do you live knowing that no one will ever truly know what it’s been like for you? How do you hold your head high and fight the urge to constantly defend yourself to others, tell everyone what was REALLY going on?   

My only place of solace... .Is this forum.

My close friends stopped listening to me after a while.

Just this place.

Similar accounts.

All horrific.

The fact that my words actually relate to others on here and vice versa... .

That should answer your question.

I am sorry you are experiencing that.

You are not alone.

[Moonie75]

How do you live knowing that no one will ever truly know what it’s been like for you? How do you hold your head high and fight the urge to constantly defend yourself to others, tell everyone what was REALLY going on?   

You remember who YOU really are & don't believe what you're told you are. You remember how big & balanced that person you are is, and you walk the line.

Dignity & integrity is what holds your head high!

It's a test you can't afford to fail. Because you won't fail the ex, or the jury of idiots who put you on trial. You will only fail yourself! And you owe yourself more than that!

[Bananas]

How do people do it? – How do you live knowing that no one will ever truly know what it’s been like for you? How do you hold your head high and fight the urge to constantly defend yourself to others, tell everyone what was REALLY going on?  

yawp419,

it is true no one will ever really know as no one has walked in your shoes.  as others have wrote, here you have a unique community of people who come very close to understanding what you have been through.  nine years is a long time.  you are a very strong and very brave person, to take the steps you have, especially having two small children.  

what i believe is that it doesn't really matter if anyone else knows, you know, and your children know.  when you look at your reflection in the mirror be very proud of who you are, as you wrote: a smart, kind and thoughtful person.  that is the truth.  if you believe it, others will see it. there is no need to defend yourself.

[Learning_curve74]

Can you look in the mirror and be proud of the person staring back at you? Can you say that the person in your mirror is a kind, loving, good person who tried her best? If you can, that's pretty d*mn awesome because that's the only person you have to live with 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!  

It can take time, but eventually people will see what you see. People that need to talk and gossip are afraid to look in their own mirrors and prefer to stand in judgement of others. 

[ScotisGone74]

There is an old saying that " You can fool a few people all the time, and you can fool everyone some time, but you can not fool every one All the Time".

I was in a rush to tell the exBPD's family or any of the couple 'friends' she had after the end about all the things I found out that she had done/ was into.  But honestly it doesn't matter, they don't care or already know for the most part.  Her 'friends' are using her only for their own benefits and her family just gives her money to keep her quiet and retreat to their own peaceful place hours away from her.   Sadly I would tell someone if they would try to get her help, but I don't think there is anyone in her life that seriously cares whether she gets any or not.  I've come to accept that I have done all I can do.    In the end it will all come out, maybe not when I want it to, but eventually the truth comes out, I have hope this will be the same in your case as well.

[letmeout]

I gave up trying to explain it to people because it was exhausting.

I would simply tell anyone who asked to look up Borderline Personality Disorder on the internet and left it at that. 

[thisyoungdad]

After trying to explain to maybe one or two people (we are in similar situation, smaller community and have a ton of mutual friends etc) who thought I was the one who had lost it because it was so outrageous what I was sharing and out of the blue (for me too) that I learned really quick. I ended up circling the wagons so to speak, I had maybe 3 close guy friends who I trusted and they knew I was having to protect myself and they stood by me. Even these guys though I only told one of them all the stuff. To this day I have shared very small amounts with anyone and it was only in June that I realized she had not shared with anyone she left me ... .why this is when she was so excited to leave I don't know? Perhaps it was the bad reaction a few of our mutual friends gave her over her excitement and due to their own confusion. Either way I started to share more that we were separated and or getting divorced. I knew then we were getting divorced but even now I am still not sure everyone knows. Some people are shocked. I have found the safest for me is to not even put myself out there to be hurt, betrayed or let down by good meaning people who just can not fathom what I am talking about. They just can not image my ex having that side of her. That was so isolating for so long but in the end I realized that if they are hearing her twisted version which I don't know if they are or not, they aren't hearing me talk anything about it. So they get to watch our actions and decide for themselves. I know I continue to do my very best to be an honorable dad and a solid guy in general and that people will eventually see that and her true colors will show themselves with me needing to do anything.

[goldylamont]

this is definitely an annoying challenge for me. i remember speaking to my mom just as we were in the midst of the breakup when i started to see sides of my ex i didn't think possible. my mom to this day doesn't know the extent of the things she did (i'm too embarrassed to tell her), but i love my mom so much--she told me a few things on the phone that i'll never forget:

"son, what she is doing is not normal. give her anything she wants when she moves out. don't fight over anything just give her whatever she wants, fake a smile, then change your locks"

another great thing she said when i mentioned i might start dating someone else--"don't you go out there and start seeing someone new. i don't care what the hell she's doing. she's not acting normal, so don't do what she's doing. don't go be with someone when you are weak, you may find yourself trapped in a situation you don't want to be in if you start a r/s when you are weak. chill out."

and this one which is probably most congruent with this post "don't keep complaining to your friends about this situation. you can find some people close to you to talk about it, but if you just keep complaining and complaining, people are going to get sick of it." --and even though this is painful, it's such the truth.

i've realized that i have my own idea of who i am that i want others to see, and it's not the complaining/broken boy by this person who truly is worthless to all of her ex-friends. i still struggle with it some, it's a strong need to want to feel understood, but at the end of the day, like others have stated, i try to mention things less and less, and if i do, now i can do it with less emotion and more perspective. it's a hard road but there's a lesson in there somewhere.

you're incredibly strong taking this new leap into your better life after nine years and two children. i applaud you. you know, find some really close friends who will be on your side, tell them that you need to just get it all out, tell them that you don't want to push them away so that if you say too much ask them to help keep you in check peacefully. in this way at least you'll have someone to relieve some of the pressure you have. my prayers go out to you and i'm not even religious    

[babyducks]

yawp,

My relationship also failed in dramatic fashion a "sudden death" breakup, which raised a lot of eyebrows in my small community.  There was a lot of gossip about domestic violence, and a what felt like a lot of people took sides.

My stock reply became "my experience of the relationship and X's experience of the relationship were quite different".  And then I refused to discuss it.   Most people were smart enough to take the cue and change the topic.

With 20/20 hindsight I am very very glad I took this approach.   Saved me a world of hurt. Also protected my EX from being churned up in the gossip mill. 

I still occasionally get the question of "what happened?"   and I almost always decline to discuss it.   Its still very painful for me.   And it still bugs me that I look like the bad guy.  Hopefully as time continues to pass it will become less of an issue.

I know there are people who will draw their own conclusions.   And some acquaintances are less willing to trust me.  Its part of the (nasty) fall out of ending this unhealthy relationship.

babyducks

[slimmiller]

I tell almost no one anymore. At the time I was seeing a T and she even gave me the deer in the head light look. She had no idea how or what to say.  Even my kids shake their heads and say, 'who does that' when their mom disregulates.

I do have a few friend on fb that have had similiar experiences and we can communicate and understand what each other is going though.

But as for personal friends, I usually just say that there are problems. I think in the end as was pointed out above, the truth starts to ooze through and others then begin to see what REALLY happened

[shescomeundone]

I have been broken up with my undiagnosed BPD boyfriend for 9 days.  This isn't our longest breakup, but it is our last.  I told him that if he didn't get help there was nothing left of us.  He went to the hospital but texted me soon after that the ER psych told him that it was all my fault and that I was bad for him.  I had supported this man, his two children, and my three children singlehandedly for three years.  He would never work at a job for more than a month because he would fight, in some way, with an employer.  He was the biggest self sabotage monster I have ever known.  I guess this is called a BPD Waif?  He would talk in circles for hours on end and provoke, prod, manipulate me into reactions.  Passive aggressive until a reaction was reached and then it was fair game.

Throughout these three years I was almost silent to the people closest to me.  I didn't want them to know what he was saying about them or what he was doing to my children and I.  All they knew was that I had been supporting him and his kids and that he acted "odd."  I pushed family and friends away because I was so embarrassed by the crazy.  Now I am trying to open up and gain a support network.  They have not responded the way that I need them to so I am once again alone.  I have to pretend that everything is fine so that I don't provoke a response that hurts.  I had one close friend who told me (after I told her that I was seeking a therapist) to just get over it he wasn't right for you.  Hmmm, easier said than done!  So, in regards to accepting others reactions my advice is. . ... .. .be limited in your interactions and hold your head high.  We know what kind of monsters we were dealing with.  Finding a therapist is a good idea if you feel too overwhelmed.  I wish you all the best as I am in a similar situation.   

[yawp419]

Thanks everyone - I am so happy to have found this forum and people who do know what it's like. I definitely do feel comfortable in my own skin and absolutely know this is the right decision... .it just sometimes feels so lonely. I have a few very close friends who have been supportive - some have seen my husband's rage in person, others haven't, but all are completely supportive of me, so I feel very lucky. My family and his family are all also supportive of me and our kids.

I usually feel okay and don't feel like I need to defend myself... .sometimes it just feels so hard. Your standard reply is good, babyducks - thanks for sharing it with me - mine has been, when people ask how I am, that I'm relieved to be in a peaceful space with the kids. That usually gives people enough of the truth to stop asking questions but doesn't feel like I'm bashing my husband or giving too much information.

I feel like the people in our community respect me and know that I am smart and a good mother... .Thisyoungdad, I like how you say that you "know I continue to do my very best to be an honorable dad and a solid guy in general and that people will eventually see that and her true colors will show themselves with me needing to do anything." That's how I'm trying to keep things in perspective. I will just take care of my kids and myself and go about my own business - and the gossip will fade away and people will either see me for who I am or not.

Shescomeundone - I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. This is my husband and my second separation and this time I am definitely done! Be strong and keep in touch... .I will be thinking of you... .I do have a therapist who is great - it has been so helpful.

Thank you all - so very helpful to hear from others in similar situations.

[thisyoungdad]

I really liked what babyducks had to say about not throwing the ex into the gossip mill either by just declining to discuss it. For me especially after realizing what was going on for my ex, and knowing I still care about her and she is the mother of my child even if she can be crazy at times (currently doing okay) I was not willing to throw her out there to be "eaten alive" so to speak by gossip. Actions speak for themselves, she can say or do what she wants but I wanted no part in anything that was going to hurt her in such a way. She may have hurt me like I never imagined possible but I still knew it wasn't in me to do something back. So that was a part of my silence was I wanted to respect her even though I wasn't given such respect. Maybe that makes me a push over or codependent or whatever but I can live with myself and how i have acted. Not sure if she can live with herself.

[Clearmind]

  We want approval from others when we really need to accept our own choices and not self judge.

No one will ever know how hard it is accept the person in the relationship – that goes for anyone in a relationship.

What we do need to do is process our guilt and shame for leaving!  I felt like I was leaving my child on the church steps when I kicked my ex out of my house.

This guilt and shame stems from way back. For me, I was very accustomed to taking care of others – my childhood dictated it. I grew up in an alcoholic household with a potentially BPD parent. Walking on eggshells was the norm for me from a very young age. I carried a lot of guilt for looking out for myself as an adult – as a result of my childhood.

Leaving is sometimes the kindest thing we can do. We are a trigger, close relationships are a trigger – many of us (partners of Borderlines) are accustomed to taking care of things and not taking care of us. We have forgotten about our own lives, passions, likes and dislikes.

Yawp, trust that you made the right decision and trust that judgment comes in all shapes – you don’t then have to judge yourself based on others perceptions. They don’t know.

It sounds like you have enough going on without also self judging your actions. In time you will accept your own decision and relinquish the guilt for taking care of you and the children. To me you are admirable and I respect you enormously for taking a leap of faith. Things must have been hard for you to take this action.

You are well supported here! We get it.

[newlife3]

Find a therapist and don't speak to your friends about it. Self-validation is the only way to go. Divorces bring up all kinds of feelings in others, that have nothing to do with us, its their own stuff.

Part of healthy recovery is not looking to others for acceptance of your decisions and also not continually focusing on the ex's mental illness as life goes on... .Focus on your own recovery without expectation that people are going to care or praise you for choosing to be with a mentally ill person.

Have been through this and my close friends supported me and didn't take sides as had empathy for his mental illness. I saved all the messy details for my therapist...

[nevaeh]

I will eventually be in your same situation when I leave my uBPDh.  I also live in a small community.  We have three great kids - smart, athletic... .basically well-rounded, polite kids who never get in trouble.  We live in one of the "biggest" houses in town, drive nice cars, and probably, to most people who don't know us well, we are living the dream and have a perfect life/marriage. 

H is, for the most part, friendly and outgoing about town.  I get along with everyone, although have a more introverted personality so it's not natural for me to "make the rounds" at our kids' events unless I am in the mood for that sort of thing.

Although we keep up appearances, I have shared my struggles over the past 18 years with a few close, personal friends who are also well-known in the community.  One of them was my God-send when I found out H was having an affair.  Another has been my best friend since high school and she has known H and I as a couple since we started dating in college.  She knows some of the issues that H has.  I worry about people in the community thinking that I was the "problem" in the marriage, but then I think that (1) I could care less what other people think, and (2) if there is gossip about it, my friends will hear about it (or get asked about it) and I know they will set the record straight. 

I understand your worries about how other people might judge you.  While it's probably not a good idea to share your story with the world maybe it would help you to know that if you DID do that, everyone would nod their head and say, "oohhh, I get it, that makes perfect sense!".  Maybe it's just an internal victory but I agree with the others that you have to figure out a way to not worry about what others are thinking.  After all, if you get to the point of actually separating from your pwBPD, you have already taken a GIANT step towards making yourself a priority to yourself, not making others a priority over yourself!

[Cmjo]

What we do need to do is process our guilt and shame for leaving!  I felt like I was leaving my child on the church steps when I kicked my ex out of my house.

This guilt and shame stems from way back. For me, I was very accustomed to taking care of others – my childhood dictated it.

I completely understand, but I wouldnt be worried about all the acquaintances gossiping and drawing conclusions... .I am sure they will guess the truth, you are not being deliberately cruel you left because you had too! And in a couple of days they will find someone else to gossip about.

I did the same as you and every person I know has congratulated me for standing up for myself and my kids, even if they dont know the details, I just says things were not working out for a long time, and they say I took a corageous decision to leave.

Guilt and shame is tough. What I have learnt from this forum is to analyze whynwe stayed in this relationship and why we feel guilty for leaving even if we were abused. Clearmind I grew up looking after a mother who had cancer, while my brother was at boarding school and my dad on business trips. And I fell into self abuse in my twenties, sexual abuse, drug abuse. Then I met BPDh who was so lovely to me it was a breath of frsh air, it was a dream come true... .until I realised something was very wrong... .

[yawp419]

Thanks everyone... .I am feeling better about things, know that people's reactions don't matter and that with time people will either trust that I did what I needed to for myself and my kids - or not and if not then it's not my problem. I think my feelings were also coming from just simply being lonely... .for so long I stayed with my husband because I enjoyed our life together, our friends, our routines. As silly as it sounds, football season starting has been hard for me because we are both big football fans and always had friends over for games. I know that I am gaining SO much more than I'm losing by leaving - control over my life and my own space as well as that of my kids, for a start! - but it's still hard. Even harder when so much of mental illness in general - and BPD in particular - is complex and difficult for anyone to understand.

I've taken all of your advice to heart - I do have a good therapist and a few very close friends, and as far as anyone else is concerned it's none of their business. My husband has enough going on, I certainly don't want to throw him into the gossip mill as you say babyducks - all part of holding my head high I guess and knowing that I'll go about this painful business with as much grace and dignity as I can muster.

The encouragement here is just so helpful - thank you all so much.

[eeyore]

For us who are codependent, we didn't tell others because we were afraid of the shame we would feel if we told others.  Others wouldn't put up with all the stuff we put up with. 

I have been fortunate.  Friends of his have tried to help him.  They have talked with him about some of our issues.  They have also tried to help me in saying you can't be a doormat if you don't let people walk on you.  I know it takes 2 people to have a relationship. Nobody is perfect.  Meaning I have faults as well.   I feel everyone who knows us both understands and has tried to be supportive.  Now it's time for me to work on getting things back to peaceful.

[slimmiller]

For us who are codependent, we didn't tell others because we were afraid of the shame we would feel if we told others.  Others wouldn't put up with all the stuff we put up with. 

I like to think of us (nons) as 'caretakers' not codependents. Its easier to understand us not being able to easily leave them and leave them to their vices when we are in the role as their caretaker. Several here have pointed out, and for me it was so true, that I was her caretaker. We protect them from 'them' so to speak and almost all of us can agree that we are basically wired in such a way that we want to 'care' for them in the sense that they are better off 'with' us then 'without'

This is exactly why its hard to tell others the details. If someone is not a 'caretaker' our actions and reasons for our actions make no sense to them

Thats the part we as the caretakers need to look at. (why we got into that role)

Very good points eeyore     

[Ironmanrises]

For us who are codependent, we didn't tell others because we were afraid of the shame we would feel if we told others.  Others wouldn't put up with all the stuff we put up with. 

I like to think of us (nons) as 'caretakers' not codependents. Its easier to understand us not being able to easily leave them and leave them to their vices when we are in the role as their caretaker. Several here have pointed out, and for me it was so true, that I was her caretaker. We protect them from 'them' so to speak and almost all of us can agree that we are basically wired in such a way that we want to 'care' for them in the sense that they are better off 'with' us then 'without'

This is exactly why its hard to tell others the details. If someone is not a 'caretaker' our actions and reasons for our actions make no sense to them

Thats the part we as the caretakers need to look at. (why we got into that role)

Very good points eeyore     

In bold.

My close friends initially would tell me when i was telling them how she was treating me... .

"I dont understand why you would put up with that ironmanfalls... ."

Its invalidating to hear that.

But i ignored it too.

To my own detriment.

I have been a caretaker for my disabled mother... .

Through all her verbal lashings... .

That is all i seem to know.

Not a pleasant thing to come to grips with.

But that is what i need to fix.

I no longer wish to be a caretaker.

It is not in my best interest.

[eeyore]

I'm ok with being a care taker except when it interferes with taking care of myself.   

[letmeout]

goldylamont, I wish I had your mother when I was leaving my ex! She sounds like a very smart cookie. My mother's advice was to not air our dirty laundry and stay married.

Really impossible to consider when a crazy BPD dragon was breathing fire into my face everyday. Mom got a good dose of him though when he constantly bothered her during our separation trying to make her talk me into going back to him.

Mom finally admitted that he was as crazy as a box of bats. Validation.

[goldylamont]

goldylamont, I wish I had your mother when I was leaving my ex! She sounds like a very smart cookie. My mother's advice was to not air our dirty laundry and stay married.

Really impossible to consider when a crazy BPD dragon was breathing fire into my face everyday. Mom got a good dose of him though when he constantly bothered her during our separation trying to make her talk me into going back to him.

Mom finally admitted that he was as crazy as a box of bats. Validation.

on behalf of my mother, thank you letmeout  my uncle has lots of brothers, and i think she's seen her fair share of drama at times from their SO's so she is wise in this respect. and also, if anything, going through this whole ordeal has given me a deeper understanding of the grief she had to bear when divorcing from my father many years ago.

wisdom = knowledge+experience