How do you let go of the resentment and pain?

[lilybear14]

Hi, my ex has recently been in touch after 9 months of NC seeking a friendship. He claims he only wants to be friends and says he "can't" be in a relationship right now as he wants to sort his stuff out. He has been seeing his ex for most of that time and they recently split... .

I am seriously considering this, but already after only a few weeks, my feelings of pain from him getting back with his ex (it broke my heart and was the first thing after 30+ recycles that made me committed to NC) are causing conflicts.

I can't help but bring stuff up about how I feel about them, and am finding it extremely hard to hear his woes about this ex as I think well you wanted her so badly and were prepared to get that no matter what the cost so suck it up.

The hard thing is that I still love him very much and care about him and he is really struggling. He has attempted suicide multiple times and is suffering major depression and has no-one else to turn to.

I want to be his friend, but am finding it really hard to let all the stuff that hurt me over the years and ultimatly the betrayal I felt when he went back to his ex, go.

Any help with how to do this would be appreciated... .

[mitchell16]

lilybear14, IM normally over on the leaving board but was having some hard times with all of this so I came over to remind myself I how bad its been. As i spend time away from mine I find myself mimizing the bad times. and making the good times bigger. But reading your post sound alot like mines history. We never stayed apart for 9 months. But at the start of her engaing me trying to get the raltionship going again it always starting with something like yours.

It sound like a fishing trip, a probe to see if your open to a recycle. i found with with mine her rejection fears are so strong that she never comes out says what she wants, she throws out something the means nothing an dif I dont bite then I didnt rejected her. She has explained this to me before. Like in the past she when she wanted to re connect after a push away. She would send smoething through text work related. if i respsonded she up it until we were back together. Or she would be standing in the parking lot when I got off work ( we worked togther) if I stopped in spoke, I was open to recycle but if I drove off I didnt reject her becuase she didnt make any moves so i didnt reflect on her. Its crazy thinking but thats how mine went.

Good luck but I feel like yours is fishing.

[Scout99]

Hi lilybear14!

First off I would like to welcome you to the BPD family! I haven't had the chance to do so before! 

I know first hand how difficult it is to try to be friends with a BPD ex since it so easily just falls back into the old familiar patterns... .And just like mitchell16 says, many of them have a hard time being honest about what they truly are after, since their fear of rejection and all the other fears they may harbor prevents them from being able to be honest, often even to themselves... .Sometimes they don't even know what they want... .Because their minds fluctuates and what they absolutely knew they wanted yesterday they absolutely not want today... .(black and white thinking)... .

I understand all too well how much our hearts go out to our BPD loved ones... .It is hard not to, especially when they wear their hearts on their sleeves... .And on some level we try to tell ourselves we want to help them somehow... .But in all honesty we are merely making ourselves victims of their coping strategies, since in truth a former partner is not the best person to help us when times are tough and we perhaps need to realize we need help of some sort... .People who have never been anything but friends with them are better equipped to be of help and be there since they don't get themselves so easily entangled in romantic feelings and or hope of making things work out "this time" as we as former partners may... .

The important question for you at this time is instead about you, not him! And that is: What do you hope or expect of being friends with your ex BPD bf?

if the answer to that as much as unwillingly touches on thoughts of hope of feeling his love for you again, hoping things will be right between you this time, thoughts of getting validation from him that he did love you, (more), after all - enter your mind... .Then you my dear are not ready to be his friend... . 

The truth is, (and I know this from experience), that being a friend of a pw BPD and also a former loved one, is even tougher that being in a r/s with one... .This since as a friend you cannot allow yourself to be attached emotionally to them, no matter what they may say or do... .For me it has been about listening to torturing conversations about missing their exes... .Of hopes of the next relationship being the one that finally will work out, or has to work out... .Of being flirted with at times when they feel lonely and have a need for validation, and not reciprocate! And dealing with listening to all the worrying and rantings they have about other people who they feel has wronged them without loosing your normal stance and trying to validate the sane parts and working on helping them see other perspectives... .And the list goes on... .

Are you up for that? I have no doubt you would be a valuable friend to your ex BPD bf, but he will never be able to be the same for you, (unless he undergoes excessive treatment), so it is really a one way kind of friendship. One that of course can be rewarding if he somewhere along the way seeks help, maybe because you being there has made him find motivation in himself to do so... .However, that is not a given! Again, even if that would be a reward, him wanting to rekindle your r/s once being better at dealing with himself is a whole different story... .

In my experience when my ex BPD bf says things along the lines of not wanting to be in a r/s right now to work on his own stuff, that usually means he does not want to commit to me but wants to get an ok card from me to flirt and perhaps for a while behave as we were a couple, just to relieve himself from feelings of loneliness... .You could rewrite the question to: would it be ok for you if I just used you like a teddybear for a bit until I feel ok and ready to  seek out something new again... .?

Now in my case I have made it very clear to my ex that either he is to consider me just at friend, that he can talk to in times of need, (that means not on an everyday basis, since I won't allow him anymore to devour up my whole space). Or he will have to make up his mind about if he wants to have a committed r/s with me. But I leave no guarantee he can win my heart back... .(Now I don't want to get involved with him again, unless he has committed to serious treatment and is well on the other side of that and chooses to seek out me again for whatever reason, and if so I still happen to be single... .Now that is a long shot to say the least, so it is not in my mind at all an option... .). The reason I say this to him is because that is the safest way I know to keep him from recycling, since he knows he can't fulfill any real demands for a committed r/s, so he backs off... .But at least it doesn't make him feel rejected... .

Again... .all about your topic here is really about you, and what you want and hope for. And at times like these it is important that we dare to be brutally honest with ourselves... .Otherwise it is very easy to get hurt... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[lilybear14]

Thanks for your responses Yes I am quite aware that this is likely a fishing trip for a recycle, but I think if I remain conscious of that, it is something I can manage.

I guess ideally, I see a friendship as a safe way to see if he is actually fully prepared to commit to the changes I am seeing in him so far, after the work he is doing with his therapist. So far I have been quite surprised in how much he has changed, so I do want to give him the benefit of the doubt. In an ideal world, I would like to try again with him, but not now, he really does need to sort out some of his stuff. I think the friendship boundaries are very important though, as I could easily see him using "friendship" as a pseudo-relationship, so I will make sure I stick to what I need there.

What I would like help with though, is where I am struggling - letting go of the past hurt and resentment... .I find the whole forgiveness thing really difficult and tend to hold on to things, which of course only comes up later and provides fuel for arguments. this is in general, not just this relationship. so many people have said to me just let it go and other "helpful" things along those lines, but how? How can you let things that have hurt you so badly go?

[sm15000]

How can you let things that have hurt you so badly go?

I know 9 months sounds like a long time, and enough time to be able to let go of hurt but after these types of r/s it's not

I have been NC for about 18 months now - I would say it's only very recently that the hurt has really started to dissipate.  At 9 months, as you've found, contact with my ex could have stirred up the hurt very easily.

I think the hurt starts to feel less painful when distance has really allowed reality to set in. . .believe me, I held on to wishful thinking for a long time, even when I was posting on here about how much stronger I was feeling and moving on.

One thing I would say is if you are still being triggered and he is struggling so much, be careful. . .you cannot be kind to each other in these frames of mind.

If you cannot remain NC, be very mindful of LC boundaries and post on Staying, they can help you with communication skills 

[ucmeicu2]

What I would like help with though, is where I am struggling - letting go of the past hurt and resentment... .I find the whole forgiveness thing really difficult and tend to hold on to things, which of course only comes up later and provides fuel for arguments. this is in general, not just this relationship. so many people have said to me just let it go and other "helpful" things along those lines, but how? How can you let things that have hurt you so badly go?

hi lilybear, i struggle with it too.  some things i find helpful are Mindfulness, meditation, yoga, compassion, radical acceptance, etc.

it always seemed counter-intuitive to me but apparently the safest, bestest, most efficient, best results, longest lasting results, well all that comes from me going THROUGH the pain instead of thru it, around it, or otherwise trying to escape it (commonly used tactics are drugs, alcohol, avoidance, etc).

so feel the pain, really feel it, acknowledge that it's there, feel compassion for yourself, and when i do that the ironic thing is that i feel it just dissipating.

it might come back!    ok? i didn't say it would be permanent.    but it's a skill that gets easier with time.

i hope this helps you some.  let us know.

icu2

[ucmeicu2]

where I am struggling - letting go of the past hurt and resentment... .

oh my gosh how did i forget this, lilybear?  someone taught me this and i scoffed but when i tried it, it really worked!  (ps i'm not promoting AA but just noting the source)

These instructions are for the above prayer (Big Book, Freedom from Bondage, p. 552):

'If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free... .Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.'

actually i'd love to come back here and read lots of posts from people who did this and got relief!

icu2

[Scout99]

What I would like help with though, is where I am struggling - letting go of the past hurt and resentment... .I find the whole forgiveness thing really difficult and tend to hold on to things, which of course only comes up later and provides fuel for arguments. this is in general, not just this relationship. so many people have said to me just let it go and other "helpful" things along those lines, but how? How can you let things that have hurt you so badly go?

This is a very important question to ask ourselves when faced with this kind of situation! And it is a good sign that you have been able to reach to that conclusion, since it puts focus where we need it to be - on us mainly and not them... .

Since yes, if the resentment and hurt is there then we cannot really be a support person for someone undergoing change in their life, because we are then looking for some kind of relief from our own pain, and want them to provide it... .And that in itself is not a healthy dynamic... .

From an objective perspective and in the best of worlds, yes, you do deserve to be asked for forgiveness and you do deserve to be validated for the pain and hurt you have suffered... .And you do deserve to be given the love you might still yearn for. But none of that is probably something he will be capable of providing you with where he is right now... .So if you want to be his friend and want to support him and be there for him, it will mean being there in a way on his terms... .Without any hidden or open expectations of your own... .And when we try to do it anyway, still carrying our own hurt will soon make things feel a little bit too familiar to your past where focus was just in him, and will trigger and bring bac to the surface much of the resentment and pain in you... .

So what then... .How to go about it?

Well, actually we were part of the relationships with our BPD loved ones too... .And we did for reasons that can only be found in us allow a lot of the bad things in the relationships to go on. And in order to heal from our relationships it isn't always enough to just let time heal the wounds and forget so to speak, because what has really happened is these relationships have opened a can of worms in our own lives. And to heal fully and be able to forgive and let go of the hur and resentment, we need to work on ourselves... .Work on figuring out what it was in us that made us not hold up healthy boundaries around ourselves, not look out for our own best interests, and turn blind to the often almost abusive behaviors that we for some reason endured... .We also need to raise uncomfortable questions to ourselves about why we got so hellbent on making these relationships work in the first place and chose to ignore all the red flags... ? Were we perhaps a bit addicted to the initial idealization and passion of the relationship, or did we perhaps want to see ourselves as more special than the people our BPD loved ones had left before... .? Or is it even so that when we look back into the rear mirror of our own lives we find a pattern of seeking out dysfunctional relationships because we for some reason have taught ourselves that is all we can expect from a r/s? There are many answers to be found within ourselves that came into play in our relationships with our BPD loved ones. And in a way those relationships opened up a possibility to work on our own issues... .

It is in delving into this a bit dark maze that we can find healing and peace with ourselves and it is from doing so that true letting go of resentment and hurt can begin to take place. And help us move forward with a greater awareness of ourselves and make us better equipped to enter into a new relationship... .Be it a friendship with an ex BPD bf or a romantic relationship with an entirely new person in our lives... .

So in a way, we too have some sorting ourselves out to do... .Not just them. And until we have addressed our issues, whatever they are. Then it will be very hard, as you already have sensed to just let go... .Almost impossible I'd say, at least it was for me... . I could act all stoic and say to people I am a ok... .But in truth I wasn't... .And in some ways I am still not... .(At least not when it comes to my ex NPD bf, I am still working on that one in therapy... .Things are a little bit different with my ex BPD bf, partly because that r/s never really got to a point when he really hurt me, partly because I detected his disorder very early on and adjusted my expectations of the relationship accordingly... .He too wants to be friends, but I am very apprehensive about it and really just keep it very LC... .And at the least sign of him beginning to dysregulate I disengage and stop talking to him, and he is slowly learning that now, so he somewhat adjusts to it and respects it, at least for now... .And as long as that works it feels ok to me. Because then I respect my boundaries. And won't allow him to challenge them. Now this only works because I have let go of my feelings for him, and I don't secretly harbor any hope of rekindling the r/s. And my main reason for it really is to try to be at least one person in his life who is honest to him and talks to him about seeking help. Now I don't think I can make him do so, but what I can do is let him know I think he needs it. And then he himself has to take it from there... . But regardless of that, a very important key to this working is I have to be ok with him approaching other women, whenever that day comes. And since I have done my work and am still doing so, I can be honest with myself when I say I am ok with that, even if I of course thinks he shouldn't... .But that is not because of me, but because he can't handle it. )

Now I understand your guy is in therapy, and hopefully it is therapy focusing on his BPD? Like schema or DBT. And such programs can if the patient is motivated and can handle staying the course for a long time, (usually 2-3 years of at least weekly sessions), contribute to a lot of change for a person with BPD. However there are no guarantees, and it is not a cure. their vulnerability will still be there and some people even after sucssessful treatment can go back to old patterns if the triggers get to strong... .The treatment teaches better and more constructive coping skills, but it will still be a daily choice to choose to live by them. And some achieve better results than others... .After all, we are individuals, and we are only human... .So the expectations of what can be achieved through treatment has to be realistic.

Now your intention of being there for him as a friend is a good one. However if your agenda on some level is to one day be able to get back together as a couple, then you are putting yourself at a huge risk of getting hurt yet again... .Since there are no guarantees for that. And if he too secretly harbors that hope... .Then none of you will probably be able to restrain yourselves through the process and that may end up being to the detriment of both your healing process and his therapy work... .?

Again, nothing here is all black and white, and ultimately whatever you choose to do is your choice! That too is important! And perhaps keeping a LC contact with each other while he is working on his stuff at his end and you working on your stuff at your end may create a whole new ground for a more healthy friendship in the future?

Best Wishes

Scout99

[blurry]

My experience with this topic... .one of my pwBPDs recycles was as a "friend". Her idea of friends with me was telling me how much she loved me, sex whenever she wanted, and basically using me for whatever needs she had at the moment BUT, in my opinion, no need to feel guilty on her part whenever she decided to dismiss my needs or feelings and discard me. The "friend" recycle didn't last long.

She couldn't respect me as a boyfriend, as a husband, and she wasn't a friend during any of those times, based on how she treated me, so why would she be considerate or respectful as a "friend"? She's not capable.