It's the end, feeling sad, guilty

[momtara]

Well, for a while I felt pretty good.  We've been separated, I'm taking care of my kids, and hubby is getting counseling.  But he still lapses into awful behavior.  I can't go back to living with him in a house where I constantly am worried about what will enrage him.

But he has had some times when he recognizes his disorder, tells me he loves me, wants to come home.  We have two young kids and I pushed him to have kids.  Now I am taking them away from him.

He has, of course, done things that were hurtful to all of us.  But he has a sensitive, sweet side.

There is a part of me who wants to make him an offer:  Come home, but we both get weekly counseling, you have to sign a statement saying I'm a good mother (he made false claims that I abused the kids, which is a real sticking point), and so many other things.  Then I realize that he might just feel powerless if he did all that, I would never feel comfortable and calm in the house, etc.  And maybe neither would he.

But life is so difficult co parenting now, and the kids miss him.  It's tempting to just hug him and tell him to come home.  I just know that I don't want to feel trapped again (although coparenting isn't so much better... .)

I also am going to have to move with two little kids to a cheaper place, and that's making me face the reality of this too.

Part of me has a fantasy that he'll get REALLY better and come back some day, but I don't think that will happen unless they finally release a drug for BPD.  Or unless he stays in therapy for years/

What a cruel disorder.  I have to face this:  Someday he will find a new partner.  He will get more custody with my kids.  She will be their stepmother.  I will likely be alone a lot (I am pretty shy and maybe codependent and we had a real loving relationship) and second guess what I did.  Why did I give up my husband?  Why did I create a situation where I have to share the kids with someone who isn't completely trustworthy?  How could I get divorced when I promised myself as a kid I'd find true love forever?

But I cannot live with someone who can so easily change moods and get anxious and angry.  I cannot.

I'm just in a bad place today.  A few months ago I was hopeful and I didn't really have to face the realities of this.  Financially and otherwise, our time is up.  We have a divorce hearing in a few weeks.

I also hate every step of the divorce.  Some people can't get away from their spouses fast enough.  But I held out a glimmer of hope.  Maybe that was a mistake.  Thanks for letting me vent.  :)espite what I wrote above, I am still not fully facing that I have to let him go.  And I can't keep doing this in-between stuff or giving him false hope, because he just gets enraged again when I can't live with him and he does cruel things.

[Validation78]

   

Hi Mom!

I understand what anguish and pain this whole situation causes. Leaving or staying, both have uncomfortable consequences. As you work through the grieving process, you will come to terms with all of it. It sounds like you still waiver a little, however, you quickly follow up with you cannot live like this anymore. You sound very sure of that, and it is likely how you really feel, and is evident by your follow through with the divorce.

When I was still on the fence, my T said some very pointed and simple things to me, maybe it will help you too:

1. H is a very sick man

2. He will never get better

3. Even if he did the work, it would take years

4. You have a lot of years left on this earth, do you want to spend them like this?

5. You will always live walking on eggshells around him

Love does not conquer all. Many of us have bought into that myth. When mental illness is involved, all bets are off. We must think of ourselves and children first, as you are doing. If you have given all you can give, you can walk away without guilt. I know how hard you've tried, and so do you!

Yep, the life after the divorce will be a challenge. You are already anticipating the eventualities. So, be prepared. Continue to work on your communication skills since you won't be able to go NC. Continue to encourage your children to love their father. Do the best you can under the unjust and terrible circumstances. All the while, take care of your needs. Get your life back on track, and enjoy every moment with your children and a life without mayhem in it every day. You will be at peace at last, and that will help you to get through the hard days to come.

Best Wishes,

Val78