Where to start

[akb79]

Hi

I am new to this board. My husband hasn't been diagnosed (he refuses to get any kind of help) but i think he is a high functioning BPD with NPD as well. We have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids. All these years after every fight/episode i would hope that it will get better - but after learning about BPD its starting to sink in that this anger will never go away.

What should i do? I try to stay out of his sight but it hurts. I miss him. I miss our relationship. He has withdrawn completely from me. He won't share anything with me... .doesn't talk to me. We don't have any activity that we do together (because he doesn't want to be with me). I have always been the one to apologize and kept forgiving him no matter how much he hurt me just so his mood would get better. But i don't know what to do any more. He says he will never talk to me about himself and i should just leave him alone. I want to know what do i do to develop a connection with him when he has so much anger and hatred towards me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wanda]

 

I have been married 16 years this february, i have known just as long about BPD i came on this site a few years ago my husband is undiagnoised and very high as well so refused to get help, We went to counseling when we were first married   we had a therapy separation for a year,.i was told about a behavior disorder through my therapist we limited down to BPD. HE is a recovering alcoholic of 27 years this helps a great deal... but if you read about success stories above. it wasn't all the time great we had our issues I had to learn tools and i set many boundaries. now 16  years later all kids are grown, and they turned out ok.  I was told nothing changes unless i changed, i had to do alot of changing. i had to learn to accept so things like this is a disease and i can't change him i can only change  myself. when i came on here it was to help others in turn i helped myself, he raged three times a week when we were first married when i came on here once every 4 months, now they are non exsistant. HE still has the BPD traits, expecially when there is change. just recently he had alot of BPD traits due to going to a new job, and changing to nights. but everything is ok now less stress, and he is much happier. and gets paid more. Tonight we are going to give him a early b-day gift and x-mas of a I pad only it is through  microsoft due to it is something he needs for his  job and he always wanted one,,... a surprise of coarse.   so just keep reading what we have. and soon the  will come on learning to communicate with him is important also they see things differntly then us,... my husband is undiagnosed still, so all depends on you things don't change unless u change the dance.   

[akb79]

Thanks Wanda

I know i have to change my behavior towards him but i'm lost. I don't know how to start. At this point, do i just stay out of his sight and wait for him to get in a better mood? Or do i start acting normal as if nothing happened (even though im hurting too much). I don't understand how much space he needs. Do i ignore everything he says or does that hurts me and pretend like nothing happened and nothing bothered me? He rages every couple of days too. What changes did you have to make? How exactly do i change the dance? I need specific advice... .I read walking on eggshells and although i understand a lot more about BPD, it didn't really help me regarding how to deal with specific situations. Does learning to accept that its a disease mean we ignore everything they say or do?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi akb79, welcome to our community. I'm sorry that you're in so much pain 

Your in a good place to find some advice and understanding. It's all very confusing at first, and the change is a process that will happen over time. I've been in a place were my dBPDbf raged every two days so that left very little time to recuperate between the battles. It wore me down. Then I learned more, about the disorder, how to practise detachment, how to communicate and focused on myself more. It's a very different relationship today.

I recommend the book Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist

There's no one trick that will make everything better, but lots of steps together that can change the dynamic between you.

The lessons on the right is a good place to start -------------->

As for now, start by thinking of accepting that this has nothing really to do with you. You didn't cause it. It's the manifestation of the disorder. Over time, it gets easier to not take it personally. So try behave more or less normal around him, like nothing much have happened. I know it's hard. That's why it's also important to take good care of yourself, do things that give you joy. What do you like to do, what makes your heart sing a little?

[akb79]

Thanks Scarlet for your response. I know i have a lot to learn. I'm not even 100% sure it is BPD. Sometimes i wonder if i have BPD... .because i do end up fighting with him when he completely shuts down. but i think my anger is because of him emotionally abandoning me and not BPD. About him having BPD... .i just figured he has to be high functioning BPD otherwise nothing explains his rage and moods and him loving me one day and hating me most days... .

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, akb79    I'm glad to see you on the Staying Board; I know that you will find many members who post here who will have valuable insights and advice for you. It sounds really sad and confusing, what you are going through with your husband; so many members here will be able to commiserate with you!

Have you had the chance to read any of the Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships, yet? Have you seen this yet: The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship? There are so many Workshops and Articles here, that all you have to do is click, and pick the ones that seem to speak to your heart... .

I've found a few books that you might want to check out:

Essential Family Guide

The High Conflict Couple

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder - Valerie Porr

What I did when I was dealing with my BPD son, and things were terrible between us, I detached from the drama and spent my time reading the information on this site, and getting and reading the books that could help, and used my new knowledge to improve my own life, and my relationship with my son eventually.  What I've found is that though I can never change someone else, when I made changes in myself and the way I understood and communicated with my BPD loved ones (there are more than just my son!), it changed how they reacted to me. And things got better... .