How do you build self confidence?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have always lacked self confidence but I think it's lower now than it has ever been. I have been having stress at work and having to talk to people I don't usually have to deal with. I do not feel confident around these people and it just all makes me sick to my stomach. To the point that I actually considered changing my job but it's not really possible. My husband is dxBPD and I'm pretty sure he has something to do with my lowering self esteem. I am seeing a therapist but it's still in it's beginning stages. She suggested I take an antidepressant for my anxiety however I just don't feel comfortable taking a pill to fix my problems. If I have been an anxious person my entire life I doubt a pill is going to shut it off. I find joy in creating things, painting, drawing, scrapbooking, you name it I like to do it. However I don't get much time to do it, it's hard to get motivated when you are so tired after work. I just don't know how someone builds self confidence. I am a very introverted person, I could possibly have Avoidant Personality Disorder, I have most of the symptoms just haven't been diagnosed with it. It all boils down to the fact that I have no confidence in myself. Some days I feel just fine and happy, however on a bad day, or a day my husband is having a bad day I can't shake it. It doesn't really help to be called stupid by the man that is suppose to love you, over and over again. But even before I met my husband I was extremely shy, I was known as the quiet girl in my class. I was there but never said anything because I was afraid. I'm really tired of letting my fear rule my life.

[Cloudy Days]

I have always lacked self confidence but I think it's lower now than it has ever been. I have been having stress at work and having to talk to people I don't usually have to deal with. I do not feel confident around these people and it just all makes me sick to my stomach. To the point that I actually considered changing my job but it's not really possible. My husband is dxBPD and I'm pretty sure he has something to do with my lowering self esteem. I am seeing a therapist but it's still in it's beginning stages. She suggested I take an antidepressant for my anxiety however I just don't feel comfortable taking a pill to fix my problems. If I have been an anxious person my entire life I doubt a pill is going to shut it off. I find joy in creating things, painting, drawing, scrapbooking, you name it I like to do it. However I don't get much time to do it, it's hard to get motivated when you are so tired after work. I just don't know how someone builds self confidence. I am a very introverted person, I could possibly have Avoidant Personality Disorder, I have most of the symptoms just haven't been diagnosed with it. It all boils down to the fact that I have no confidence in myself. Some days I feel just fine and happy, however on a bad day, or a day my husband is having a bad day I can't shake it. It doesn't really help to be called stupid by the man that is suppose to love you, over and over again. But even before I met my husband I was extremely shy, I was known as the quiet girl in my class. I was there but never said anything because I was afraid. I'm really tired of letting my fear rule my life.

[Findingmysong723]

I'm sorry that your husband calls you those names, you aren't stupid and have many creative strengths, which is awesome!

My confidence took a huge beating during and after the relationship with my ex boyfriend. For me, one of the things he was hard on me about was cooking. I wasn't great at it because I really didn't do it that much, but I started cooking more for us but I had so much anxiety with it, so it wasn't something I enjoyed or was that good at. He would sometimes say he was proud that I was starting to cook and the food was pretty good or when he was raging he would tell me I couldn't cook anything! He always kept me off kilter, which is no fun!

However, now that I've been out of the relationship for awhile, I've been learning new recipes and having a good time with it. Made some chicken piccata that came out good, I'm pretty proud! : ) Now that I don't have someone judging me I don't have anxiety about it and my food comes out better and I have fun doing it!

So, maybe just taking a little time, even an hour or a half hour just to draw something or whatever you want to do. You can carve out a small amount of time each day too draw, paint whatever, it'll be something you can look forward to. If you are worried about time, bring a timer in there and give yourself an hour or even a half hour to be creative. The more you take the time to do these things you'll see your skills progressing and that's a huge confidence boost! Drawing a great sketch or a painting you can put up on the wall or give as a gift is something that will make you feel good. Really, it doesn't have be something huge, just doing small things can improve your confidence! Hope you are feeling more confident soon!

[Cloudy Days]

My husband is picky on what I cook too. However I make a lot of experiment soups for myself and end up making him different food a lot of the time. He has stomach problems though so I'm not too heartbroken if he wants something different.

I love doing my hobbies, but I think my problem isn't really with getting to do those things. I think in high school I used my creativity to stay away from people and become more of a hermit. I would rather be alone and creating than be around people and that's where I lack the self confidence. Group get togethers really make my anxiety sky rocket, I have one this weekend that I am nervous about. Talking to people just doesn't come natural to me. My therapist actually suggested that I take a scrapbooking class of some sort to spread my wings a little. I can't even bring myself to do that. It sucks.

[dreamer321]

Cloudy Days,

I want to encourage you in your journey. I too, am just like you-and I don't know the details of your relationship-but by the Grace of God-or something-I have been able to regain my confidence and control of the situation-I have a bf who I am sure has BPD because of the past addictions in his life, his depression, cant stand to be alone-splitting, i have had idealization for 2 years. Then when i get close to being with him -I am 2 hours away from him-I see how he takes me for granted, stops the idealization, and starts treating me really badly, as if I am the cause of all his hurting-not for only now but for all of his life. I stopped the cycle. I took control of the situation. I have been a stepford wife for 2 and a half years, but I started going out with my friends. He is so jealous of men. I said, you know-I just know that I need to take care of myself right now. I am true to you-and I know that and I have earned your trust-and I know my own boundaries.

I am sorry to go on about myself in your hour of need. I just want to give you hope-but that it lies in you. Try to find friends-go out with them. Find your place. Challenge yourself to try one new thing a day-or a week and make a promise to yourself-and keep it. I hate being in groups, I found out that I am HSP-highly sensitive-and that is just who I am. It means that I don't enjoy social functions. It means that I am attracted to conflict, and struggles because I want to grow as a person. I want to understand what is within me so that I can help others.

Find a friend. If you want-you can message me I will be glad to help you. Give yourself permission to grow and expand who you are. It is not selfish-it is breathing.  Good luck to you! 

[mcc503764]

I have always lacked self confidence but I think it's lower now than it has ever been. I have been having stress at work and having to talk to people I don't usually have to deal with. I do not feel confident around these people and it just all makes me sick to my stomach. To the point that I actually considered changing my job but it's not really possible. My husband is dxBPD and I'm pretty sure he has something to do with my lowering self esteem. I am seeing a therapist but it's still in it's beginning stages. She suggested I take an antidepressant for my anxiety however I just don't feel comfortable taking a pill to fix my problems. If I have been an anxious person my entire life I doubt a pill is going to shut it off. I find joy in creating things, painting, drawing, scrapbooking, you name it I like to do it. However I don't get much time to do it, it's hard to get motivated when you are so tired after work. I just don't know how someone builds self confidence. I am a very introverted person, I could possibly have Avoidant Personality Disorder, I have most of the symptoms just haven't been diagnosed with it. It all boils down to the fact that I have no confidence in myself. Some days I feel just fine and happy, however on a bad day, or a day my husband is having a bad day I can't shake it. It doesn't really help to be called stupid by the man that is suppose to love you, over and over again. But even before I met my husband I was extremely shy, I was known as the quiet girl in my class. I was there but never said anything because I was afraid. I'm really tired of letting my fear rule my life.

Being someone's "emotional punching bag" definitely takes its toll!  You are obviously sick of feeling this way!

I guess first of all, my suggestion to you would be NOT to get hung up too much on a DSM diagnosis.  Fact is, we all have certain traits of things listed there, but it is critical that you NOT let that "define" YOU!  That stigma / label will take its toll on your own self worth and is NOT helping you feel better about YOURSELF!  (My xBPD was a therapist, so every time I wasn't acting properly in her opinion, I was LABELED with one thing or another, so trust me, I know how much of a jab that can be at your own personal self worth!)

Personally speaking, the answer is NOT in a pill!  For me, the side effects were worse than any potential benefit that they claimed to provide!

I did however, find working out and exercise to be highly beneficial for ME... .When you exercise, your body produces serotonin naturally which is the same chemical that is found in most antidepressants.  It is beneficial for me, because not only does it help calm my anxiety / depression, it also has changed my physical appearance drastically!  So in addition to thinking more clear and the physical changes, my confidence has skyrocketed to levels that I never thought possible!

You also speak of things that you enjoy doing?  Why not get back into them?  Sometimes we have to force ourselves to do certain things / activities, but once we make it a routine, it becomes natural and becomes apart of who YOU are!

Hope that helps!

MCC

[Findingmysong723]

Hi Cloudy Days

My therapist actually suggested that I take a scrapbooking class of some sort to spread my wings a little. I can't even bring myself to do that. It sucks.

How about you find a friend to bring along to the scrapbooking class, it would take some of the anxiety of going some where new. Also, it would be something fun for your friend as well. I'm sure one of your friends would like to support you in stepping out and doing something you want to do but are nervous to do alone at this point. You and you friend can meet some new people. What do you think?

[fromheeltoheal]

I've had self confidence challenges too, and hanging out in a relationship with a triggered BPD trying to 'fix' everything is a sure way to trash it and your self esteem once again.

I've found several things that help, and have made them a full time job as I've healed:

Get enough sleep.

Exercise to the point of breaking a sweat every day.  Doesn't matter what you do, just do it.

If your environment is getting you down, change it.  Can be as simple as going for a walk.

Calcium, magnesium and vitamin C help.

Hydrate enough, drink LOTS of water.

Eat a healthful diet that will nourish you, not put a toxic load on your body.

Practice religion, or if you're not religious like me, go somewhere spiritual and just chill; somewhere out in nature helps immensely.

Direct where your thoughts go instead of letting them wander.  Notice what you think automatically and consciously change it if it isn't empowering.

Don't hang out with the wrong people; supportive people bring you up, not down, and those relationships are to be nourished.

Get in the habit of taking deep breaths and holding them to oxygenate your body

The above helps a great deal, and doing them also puts you in charge of your own mental state.  Go there.

[seeking balance]

Building self confidence or self worth as an adult can be challenging, especially if we have had years of abuse.  Children learn self confidence by being given tools of stability, discipline, ability to fail and learn without shame, goal setting, etc.

Start small now - list a few little things you can do and DO them.  Stretch out of your comfort zone a bit.  If you never exercise - start walking 2 miles 3 times a week.  If you are an avid runner - up your game maybe train for a 1/2 marathon.  Something manageable to show progress.  Physical activity is a great way in doing this.

List the things you have done well.  It is so easy to focus on the negative.  Focus on the fact you have found this forum and you are growing and changing - let yourself realize how very few people actually work on themselves... .be proud of yourself.  What other things have you done that you are not properly understanding the impact?

Socialize in some new environment - the scrapbooking is a great idea!

Gratitude or prayer - being grateful in times of turmoil is a skill, a practice, that can change our mood entirely.

Patience - the turtle approach - building self worth is not a sprint, daily small habits that build up over time.

Thank you for having the courage to post this.

Peace,

SB

[babyducks]

  Cloudy Days,

One of the best pieces of advices I have received is "the greater the pain, the more action you must take."

My T and I have been touching on ego strength which simply put is the inner strength to tolerate stress and frustration and life on life's terms.   

We are all born without any ego strength.  And that is good news because we can learn it at any age.

I believe that learning ego strength is like learning anything, you have to practice it, and you have to be willing to be 'bad' at it when you get started.  Remember how laughable those first attempts were at riding a bike?

Starting small and make a conscious effort to notice and value your healthy choices, like posting on this site. Notice and recognize the small acts of self discipline during the day.

I liked what seeking balance said.   Its very simple stuff, but it is in NO way easy to do.  If you know someone with healthy self esteem, copy them.   

I wish you well. 

babyducks