Relationship OCD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

 One of this past relationship has given me, a bigger interest in psychology and mental disorders. [For more information on OCD]

Relationship Intrusive Thoughts - Obsessive doubts over the suitability of a relationship, one’s partner or one's own sexuality are the main focus for the obsessional thoughts. Obsessional thoughts include:


  Constantly analyzing the depth of feelings for one's partner, placing the partner and the relationship under a      microscope and finding fault.

   Constantly needing to seek reassurance and approval from one's partner.

   :)oubts that one's partner is being faithful.

   :)oubts that one may cheat on their partner.

   Questioning one’s own sexuality, and having feelings, thoughts and impulses about being attracted to members of the same sex.

The constant analyzing and questioning of the relationship and partner often places immense strain on the relationship and the result is a person with OCD will often end the relationship to rid themselves of the doubt and anxiety, which is usually often repeated with any subsequent  relationship.


I know that Relationship OCD might not be in the same category as BPD but I can't help but think my Ex or some of the fears are very similar. Have any of the ambassadors heard any information on this or anyone else want to add to this thread. I've also seen on the blogs and articles is that Relationship is an obsession of finding the "one," and always doubting that the person you are with is right even when these people really love their partners.

[Findingmysong723]

 One of this past relationship has given me, a bigger interest in psychology and mental disorders. [For more information on OCD]

Relationship Intrusive Thoughts - Obsessive doubts over the suitability of a relationship, one’s partner or one's own sexuality are the main focus for the obsessional thoughts. Obsessional thoughts include:


  Constantly analyzing the depth of feelings for one's partner, placing the partner and the relationship under a      microscope and finding fault.

   Constantly needing to seek reassurance and approval from one's partner.

   :)oubts that one's partner is being faithful.

   :)oubts that one may cheat on their partner.

   Questioning one’s own sexuality, and having feelings, thoughts and impulses about being attracted to members of the same sex.

The constant analyzing and questioning of the relationship and partner often places immense strain on the relationship and the result is a person with OCD will often end the relationship to rid themselves of the doubt and anxiety, which is usually often repeated with any subsequent  relationship.


I know that Relationship OCD might not be in the same category as BPD but I can't help but think my Ex or some of the fears are very similar. Have any of the ambassadors heard any information on this or anyone else want to add to this thread. I've also seen on the blogs and articles is that Relationship is an obsession of finding the "one," and always doubting that the person you are with is right even when these people really love their partners.

[heartandwhole]

Finding,

I have never heard of this, with regard to the obsessive relationship thoughts.  Interesting. 

Do you think your partner had OCD?

[TheDude]

Prior to my piecing things together as comorbid Cluster B disorders (subsequent to joining here after 'estrangement' #4), ROCD was for years the only slightly logical explanation for what was going on. While the label kind of makes sense in it's own tangential way, the problem isn't actually related to OCD in a clinical sense. In fact, it would almost seem like another way to describe any number of attachment disorders.

There's a post floating around the internet that was written by someone describing this particular label titled "The Indescribable Shoes" (Google it). Grammar notwithstanding, this really struck a chord with me as an insight from 'the other side'. Have you read this?

[eyvindr]

Very interesting, Finding.

Relationship Intrusive Thoughts - Obsessive doubts over the suitability of a relationship, one’s partner or one's own sexuality are the main focus for the obsessional thoughts. Obsessional thoughts include:

• Constantly analyzing the depth of feelings for one's partner, placing the partner and the relationship under a microscope and finding fault.



• Constantly needing to seek reassurance and approval from one's partner.



• Doubts that one's partner is being faithful.



• Doubts that one may cheat on their partner.



• Questioning one’s own sexuality, and having feelings, thoughts and impulses about being attracted to members of the same sex.

   

   

The constant analyzing and questioning of the relationship and partner often places immense strain on the relationship and the result is a person with OCD will often end the relationship to rid themselves of the doubt and anxiety, which is usually often repeated with any subsequent relationship.

I know that Relationship OCD might not be in the same category as BPD but I can't help but think my Ex or some of the fears are very similar. Have any of the ambassadors heard any information on this or anyone else want to add to this thread. I've also seen on the blogs and articles is that Relationship is an obsession of finding the "one," and always doubting that the person you are with is right even when these people really love their partners.

This pretty much describes my exBPDgf to a tee. It's one of the things that keeps me thinking that she was maybe mid-continuum on the BPD spectrum -- to my knowledge, she never cheated, and never demonstrated explicit self-harming. But she worried excessively about all of the things in your list, including her appearance, and self-identified as gay, even while we were together and she was exclusively seeing me.

You may be aware that BPD has high levels of comorbidity with other types of personality disorders, so none of this is unusual, I think. And it's one of those things that makes BPD so difficult to diagnose, even by professionals.

They are fascinating people, for sure.

[Findingmysong723]

Hi heartandwhole,

Yes, I know he had OCD he told me he did and he told and he told me that his OCD had to do with intrusive thoughts or obsessive thoughts. He was taking anxiety medication, he had a few pills that he took, not even sure what they all were. He mentioned that he even had anxiety about going over to his brothers house, because he felt like they didn't like him etc.

I know that he did take medication for depression at one point, he had said it made him gain weight. By the end of our relationship he stopped taking all the medication, he only took vitamins, I thought that wasn't the best idea after his behavior became worse, verbal abuse and anger etc. He told me that he had been in the stages of lessening his medication and I understand not wanting to be in a fog, but not sure if the doctors knew how he was behaving by lessening the medication. After having issues with it in our sexual relationship he broke all his pills in half, I wanted to say that I rather him not risk his health just for sex. However, like always I had issues finding the time to express that, I admit I have issues with communication to but it was so hard with him!

[Findingmysong723]

TheDude,

No, I haven't read it,  I'll have to check it out.  Thanks. I know in the end it doesn't matter what they have in the sense that I can't be with him the way he is, but reading articles about what might of been going on helps me to feel better.

[eyvindr]

Finding --

I'm glad he was honest about taking medication.

Yes, I know he had OCD he told me he did and he told and he told me that his OCD had to do with intrusive thoughts or obsessive thoughts. He was taking anxiety medication, he had a few pills that he took, not even sure what they all were.

Typically, BPD isn't treated with meds, because it doesn't really respond to them. However, things that it's comorbid with -- like OCD, ADHD, anxiety and bipolar -- are. Just things to think about.

[Findingmysong723]

eyvindr,

Yea, he was taking medication for anxiety and depression and not sure about the rest of the stuff, in hindsight I wish I had but I wanted to give him some privacy. He never admitted to having BPD but close to the end of our relationship he said "I'm admittedly insane, but if we can communicate we can get through anything." However, I was still in the fog and didn't want to upset him and lose him, so I told him he wasn't insane, but had temper issues or something like that. I wish that I could of asked what he meant, I didn't want to invalidate him but I was scared to lose him, and said what I did.

The ROCD traits that I saw in him were, he would have these ideas or what couples should do and if we weren't doing them, something was wrong. He had this thing about me making sure to sign his name on gifts that I would give, because "we are a couple and it's obviously from both of us." He would fill out my name as well, but I wouldn't mind if he would only write his name on a gift that was specifically from him, because you have your own memories and gifts that express that. I got two gifts for my Dad for Christmas and one of them I wanted to just sign my name but the other with his but I think he felt upset about it. I mean come on we aren't the same person. He had these notions of what a "real" relationship is and he wouldn't let me in on them but he would make sure to let me know that things were off.

The other traits that I noticed which were definitely anxiety ridden but I felt had ROCD traits, was when we would be intimate. Even when when we kissing he would try to control it, going slower or whatever, not all the time but I guess it was a control thing. He would over analyze when we would start to be intimate, if it didn't go as smooth as he wanted or he felt like I wasn't into he would freak out and literally walk away from me. Talk about humiliating, it was like unless things "were perfect," it wasn't worth it. My Ex also had the habit of initiating sex at the worst times, when I was coming home from work and was tired and didn't feel so fresh or wanted to be spontaneous like lifting me up on the counter but counters aren't that comfortable and he noticed I wasn't so into it and got angry and then of course the mood was gone. I mean I would of been great to just go to bed, but I feel like if his mojo was ruined he was done. I remember one day I had left him a funny note to go with his neti-pot (help with his sinuses) as a gift and he was in a good mood, I had gone out to pick up Chinese. When I got back I was hungry and I just wanted to eat, and he wanted to initiate sex and it's not like I didn't want to be with him but I wanted to eat first, so I guess I rejected him again but it's like he set it up like that. However, I do think he was in a happy mood and maybe he was trying to thank me but I wasn't trying to be mean I was just hungry, I would be fine doing it later but of course the mood passed for him.

We broke up twice and he withdrew from sex or reject me when I initiated when he was depressed and I guess he was devaluing me at that point, that was really hard to take! I remember him telling me that he was always up for sex, so I only had to initiate it, I say "set-up" I admit the anxiety medication made sex difficult with the side effects, but there were times I know he was doing it to hurt me... .at least I think so. One day he got really upset about the side effects that the anxiety medication had on us. We were going to be intimate and he had performance issues and he jumped up and was so angry and left me in the bedroom, punched a hole in the bathroom door and yelled and drove off. It was awful and I've never been around something like that, I was scared and stayed in the bedroom. He was so upset he screamed in his car while he drove and he lost his voice, thinking of that makes me want to cry but I didn't know what to do at the time. He told me later he wished that I had come to and told him it was okay, he told me "I'm like the girl I need more attention" or something like that. I wanted to tell him that sex wasn't more important than his health but like most things, it was hard for me to talk to him about things. I admit that I have my own communication issues but I felt it was so much harder to communicate with him. I think because he was always pulling the rug out from under me, my communication issues were worse with him as much as I wish they weren't!

I remember at the end of the relationship he told me there wasn't "fireworks" when we kissed but really how could that happen with all those anxiety issues with us being together. I understand that some people have more chemistry and I know that, but I feel he never let us get close to finding out if we had it. Also, he said he loved me but wanted to fall in love with me so bad, that I hadn't given him my heart (I think that was projection). I remember him yelling and saying "How could I be in love with Findingsong, I don't know her, she only shows me who she thinks I want." I think that was the greatest of projections of all. He told me when I met him that it took him a long time to get comfortable in a relationship (red flag) and that he was never in love before except maybe his first girlfriend. I guess I should of known.  Then he had his "druggie" relationship that what he calls it and then the next girl was cold, however that might be what he is calling me now. I refused to be friends or have contact with him, so he got mad at me and told me he was happy not to have me in his life but it doesn't stop him from continuing to go to the Animal Shelter I invited him to and bring a new girlfriend to. I think he is boundary breaking.

Okay, that got way too long ha. Thanks for reading... .if someone does : )

[Findingmysong723]

He is a recovering alcoholic, so yea I agree there are many other symptoms that he has, dry drunk, borderline traits, OCD, anxiety, so many symptoms that would make any relationship vary hard and most likely not make it!

I keep ending threads... .was it something I said ha!

[eyvindr]

Hi Finding,

You're not ending threads, girl. There are just a lot of them here to read and respond to -- so many of us experience such similar behaviors! (And -- I know this from my own posts, which can tend to ramble -- I think sometimes it's more challenging for people to respond to longer posts. But sometimes, we just need to get it out!)

This rang a lot of bells for me:

The ROCD traits that I saw in him were, he would have these ideas or what couples should do and if we weren't doing them, something was wrong. He had this thing about me making sure to sign his name on gifts that I would give, because "we are a couple and it's obviously from both of us." He would fill out my name as well, but I wouldn't mind if he would only write his name on a gift that was specifically from him, because you have your own memories and gifts that express that. I got two gifts for my Dad for Christmas and one of them I wanted to just sign my name but the other with his but I think he felt upset about it. I mean come on we aren't the same person. He had these notions of what a "real" relationship is and he wouldn't let me in on them but he would make sure to let me know that things were off.

In my case, what my exBPDgf was most obsessed by was social media. I still don't really understand why, in the first year of our r-ship, she couldn't care less about it -- always happily told people that she "didn't do FB -- too much of a time waster!" But, in the second chapter of our r-ship, she was absolutely obsessed about it. Joined first just to monitor my activity. Then started posting things, and expected me to "like" literally everything and anything she posted, whether or not it was directed to me or shared generally, regardless of whether I was interested in it or not -- very much like you described, like there was some expectation that we were the same person. If I didn't like it -- regardless of whether I hadn't even seen it -- she said it embarrassed her and made her "look stupid." She'd keep track of how many comments I made, and if she wasn't getting most of my attention, it was a problem. Or, if I'd "liked" a couple things on FB while I was working (which takes almost zero attention and mere seconds), but hadn't txtd her to see what she was up to or ask how her day was going, or to tell her I loved her -- then I was ignoring her and "obviously, your FB friends are more important to you than I am." 

She'd also get very upset with me when any other woman "liked" or commented on anything on my page -- and God forbid anyone ever used an emoticon! She took that as some kind of public sign of open hanky-panky, or an implied desire to get busy! I swear, it was like she viewed the entire internet as some huge sordid online dating site -- and a "" anywhere was no different than discovering two people feeling each other up in a dark hallway! Drove me nuts, but for whatever reason, it was one boundary that I refused to budge on -- I was very clear with her that she had no right to dictate what I posted, and if she didn't like it, she was free to ignore it, hide it, not look at it or just unfriend me altogether -- her call! I never posted anything that a partner would take offense to -- at least, a partner who understands how social media works, at any rate.

She also believed that my page should basically be some kind of dedicated log of our relationship -- like, if I posted that I was doing anything without her, she interpreted it as me positioning myself as single. Comments from any female friends or colleagues were deemed "disrespectful to your partner" -- even when the friends were themselves attached or married, and I was friends with their SO's as well! It was truly totally nuts.

Curious -- did you ever, in trying to talk with your bf, suggest to him that he was being insecure, and it wasn't helping the r-ship? I'm curious as to how he reacted, especially if you used the specific word.

[Findingmysong723]

eyvindr,

That's true long threads can a lot... .yea I am a talker or well typer... .so I can go on for awhile haha : )

That sounds exhausting, to have to explain everything you do on Facebook etc, and make her understand that it had nothing to with how much you loved her. Facebook likes is not a measure of love in way, it wasn't designed for that! : )

To answer your question, no I never came out and said that he was being insecure, he found a way to make it seem like I was in the wrong... .like "duh this is what normal couples do." I hadn't dated in awhile and I also am living at home right now because of financial reasons, so I think because he was on his own and had been for awhile he knew what an adult relationship was like. ( I know that wasn't the truth at all) However, he did admit to feeling uncomfortable about his body and I always tried to be supportive about that. I told him many times how much I was attracted to him and whether he lost weight or not I liked him how he was right now! He did tell me that I did make him start to feel better about himself, but obviously he had to believe it himself to really make any real progress! I had my own body image issues, so I think when we were intimate we both had some anxiety about how our bodies looked at times, which I'm sure made things harder. However, for me being in a relationship that I'm comfortable with tends to help me with the anxiety and make intimacy much better!

Even when I was in the fog and dealing with him projecting so many of his problems on me, the push and the pull and even some verbal abuse (name calling and 2 times throwing everything and the kitchen sink at me), through his depression etc. I remember telling him that when a person is depressed it has to be the person who is feeling that way to figure their way out. I mean I was there to support him but I knew I couldn't make it all better. I think the big thing is he wasn't happy and for awhile I could make him happy but another person can't maintain your self of happiness.

Also, a huge red flag is we started dating 6 months after he relapsed for the second time. This time he drank and took pills and had to be taken to the hospital, his Mom had to call  police? or ambulance who took him from his apartment to the hospital. He told me he had been drinking for days, he had blacked out, bad stuff. He told me close to the end of our relationship that he had tried to kill himself and he used to cut himself. I don't know why I didn't see his relapse for what it really was. When I met him he was very involved in AA (however he didn't have a sponsor) he was co-chair of meetings though. Also, he was going to therapy, just talk therapy but it was helping him. I guess he spoke a good game, that maybe I thought yes this person went through a bad time, he hit rock bottom and he is working slowly to get out of this hole he was in. I don't blame myself for dating him, he chose to start dating, but I know now that when he stopped progressing and started to self sabotage, I was holding on for nothing!

[Findingmysong723]

TheDude,

There's a post floating around the internet that was written by someone describing this particular label titled "The Indescribable Shoes" (Google it). Grammar notwithstanding, this really struck a chord with me as an insight from 'the other side'. Have you read this?

I just read it, I think might of read it before. It is very telling of how horrible that disorder is, and how it makes being falling in love, being in love and just plain loving someone miserable! I think my Ex might of had these issues, but also seems to have BPD traits and also as a recovering alcoholic I think he had dry drunk symptoms. Whatever the symptoms are, it made it almost impossible to stay in love with him and made it something I am grateful to be out of, since mentally and emotionally I wouldn't of made it. I felt literally crazy at the end of the relationship, a feeling I never felt like in any relationship!

[eyvindr]

Finding --

Interesting article -- thanks for sharing.

What they describe as ROCD ("r-ship OCD" sounds a lot like BPD.

e.

[Findingmysong723]

Welcome eyvindr,

Yea, I know my Ex Boyfriend who I think had BPD, definitely had OCD and had admitted to it. He told me one of the main issues he had with his OCD was obsessive thoughts and he even had anxiety going over to his brothers place in the past. He also used to have panic attacks. Having obsessive thoughts definitely doesn't make being in a relationship very easy I'm sure, always having negative thoughts coming over and over. I remember if we were driving and I didn't put on the radio he would comment about how " you know how much I like silence," if he was in a good mood he would kinda make a joke about it if he was in a bad mood... .he could be nasty about it. Also, sometimes he would come home from work and I would hanging out with the cats, without the TV on and he would think it was weird that I would be home in "silence." I mean I guess it could be weird if you want to look at it that way, but I was hanging out with the cats, I didn't need the TV. I admit, I use the TV to fall asleep etc, but I guess around him sometimes I wouldn't use that as a coping thing and it didn't work well for him. Also, I remember sitting in the living room with him and it was too "quiet" for him and he wanted to "pretend to fight," he wanted the neighbors to hear us. Also, he would become like a little kid when he would hear a neighbor arguing with their partner, he would get all goofy and smile like a little kid. Seriously, silence scares him, I think chaos is what he's used to, growing up with an alcoholic Father who is abusive to his Mom. I admit I wish I stood up to him more than I did, but one thing I never became for him, is an angry person! I think it bothered him that I didn't get angry like he did, I think he liked when I was being patient with him but didn't understand that I didn't react the way he did and is used to. He told me, in my family, "we're all hotheads," however that is just an excuse for bad behavior.

However, by the time we had been together he had lowed his anxiety medication, he had said that maybe one of the reasons he was frustrated at me so much was because he had lowered his dosage by half since we had started dating. His doctors had him on a much higher dosage in the past and he admitted that he "wasn't bothered by a thing,"and that's why he might not of been as frustrated in the past with other relationships. He would always tell me that he never got this frustrated etc with anyone before, however I know for sure that his other relationships were dysfunctional as well.

Even his my serious relationship, that he had dated a girl for 7 years, he opened up later on in our relationship that his ex and him had broken up many times during their relationship. I'm assuming the final breakup, was her breaking up with him. My Ex boyfriend always made a big deal that they still got along, he went to her wedding etc. My Ex was like I don't understand why people have to stop talking, whether it's an ego or validating thing or also just a fear of really losing someone for good. However, she is a family friend, she is his sister in laws best friend, so she can't go to far because she is a family friend. I liked his family, but I am not tied to them in any way. More proof that this kind instability has always been there, even though he was in his teens and early 20's when they were dating.

Oh, yea one more OCD issue, when we would go to the movies he would like me to sit on the left of him or basically sit like we lay in bed together or maybe even sit on the couch. It's like we needed for us to be in the right position, or all hell would break loose. He also had a fear or mold, if I didn't dry off enough in the shower before stepping on the mat. I admit I worked on not doing that when we were still together, however I would slip up sometimes. I even do it now in my own shower, I'm better about drying off more before I get out. : ) However, my cousin has an issue of mold too, but my ex used it as a way to insult me etc. I guess I didn't keep the towels in the bathroom hanging on the rack neat etc, so he got mad about it and took a picture of how messy I left it and sent it to me. Then a few days later, I neatened up the towels and he purposely messed them up and then I put them back and he messed them up again... .passive aggressive much! The funny thing is he would get in a cleaning mood and clean his whole apartment but then on other days especially when he was depressed he would leave stacks of dishes in the sink etc. So, he could be really messy and then the complete opposite.

Wow... .that got kinda crazy... .longer than I thought. : )