dating and kids of BPD parents

[livednlearned]

S12 came through the door yesterday after school and before he had even closed it, blurted out, "I don't like new guy." Then his eyes welled up with tears and he said, "You don't know what it's been like for me."

Took my breath away. It happened so fast, and I wasn't quite ready for it. So I said, "You're right that I don't know what it's like for you. Can you tell me more about how it feels? Is this about new guy's personality? Or is it the idea of me dating someone?"

He said it was the second one, that he feels weird and awkward about me dating someone.

So I said, "By weird, do you mean sad? Because you looked sad when you said it."

He said he didn't want to talk about it more, but then we started playing this silly game with a beach ball, throwing it up and down our stairs. While we were tossing the ball, we talked about it a little more, me asking questions, him telling me what he thought.

I've been #1 in his life, it's really just been the two of us for 3 years. And he's an only child, so I'm not surprised that he feels sad, awkward, or weird. When new guy and S12 interact, I feel awkward and weird too!

New guy planned to come over last night, which we've done a few times. We sit on the porch and have a glass of wine. By that time of night, S12 is always upstairs hanging out playing games with friends online. I decided to have new guy over, despite what S12 told me. I figured it was best to validate his feelings, but stick to the plan. I'm going to continue dating new guy, and didn't want S12 to feel like he was in charge, or protect him from negative feelings. I'm not sure what the definition of enmeshed is, but as a non, I figure I must do some of that with S12. 

I told S12 that I was going to need some time to understand this, and to be patient while we figured things out. And that sometimes things feel awkward because they ARE awkward.

Anyone have experience with this? I know this is a common part of dating someone new after divorce, but am wondering if kids with BPD parents are even more fragile because of attachment issues to the stable parent.

[Free One]

It sounds like you handled it very well!

I don't have the experience as a parent, but my mom starting dating when I was about 12. No BPD parent for me, but it was just hard in general to see her start dating and feeling like maybe her attention was divided. More than anything, I just really remember feeling left out. I didn't have the skills then to talk about my feelings or what I was going through with my mom, so I think it's a good sign your son was able to open up to you about it.

[livednlearned]

Thanks FreeOne.

Was the problem feeling left out? As in, she literally did leave you out (like going on dates, and you stayed home)? Or was it just the general idea that she might love someone else?

[DreamGirl]

I as blessed. I had every other weekend to date.  

Here's a helpful definition when it comes to enmeshment:

Some definitions that may help... .

Interdependence It is what everyone wants.  Interdependence is two whole people who are capable of giving, being vulnerable and connected.

Cohesion is a measure of supportive interaction (including warmth, time together, nurturance, physical intimacy, and consistency).

Enmeshment is a measure of psychological control (including coercive control, separation anxiety, possessiveness/jealousy, emotional reactivity, and projective mystification). In an enmeshed family everyone shares the other's life-system. One learns not to look within one's self for awareness of what one is about, but to the other members of the family. The husband who is happy when his wife is happy and sad when wife is depressed is an example of enmeshment. This is also referred to as co-dependence.

Disengagement is the extreme opposite of both cohesion and enmeshment.

We want Interdependence.  We generally counterbalance the enmeshment with some level of disengagement - hopefully not too much because it also affects the cohesion.  

If we are in an enmeshing environment, it's hard not to become enmeshed.  It's not likely we will change the others, so ultimately it comes down to how we process the enmeshing environment as to how it affects our quality of life.  

The starting is point is to realize that this is a problem that we face and the goal we want to achieve.

I think you handled it really well.  

Is he in counseling?

Research shows that bonding is very different in blended families then it is in nuclear families. One on one time is really important in blended families where nuclear family bonding is done as a whole. So if new guy is going to be a fixture in your life, I might suggest that they bond one on one.

My oldest son really struggled when my now husband and his daughters moved in. He verbalized what would help him -  being that he was mostly mad that their playroom was getting turned into a bedroom. I bought him an old tv for his room and he then almost saw it as a benefit. His stepdad and him aren't really close but they do alright. 

He said he didn't want to talk about it more, but then we started playing this silly game with a beach ball, throwing it up and down our stairs. While we were tossing the ball, we talked about it a little more, me asking questions, him telling me what he thought.

Not sure if you knew this, but boys are far more receptive of "talking" when activity is involved. Like throwing a ball.    

[Free One]

Thanks FreeOne.

Was the problem feeling left out? As in, she literally did leave you out (like going on dates, and you stayed home)? Or was it just the general idea that she might love someone else?

A combination of the two, but mostly just literally being left out. My mom was depressed after her divorce. We didn't have a lot of money and didn't get to go do a lot. It was hard for me when she would go on dates because I wanted to go too. My sister was just enough older than me that sometimes her weekend nights would be taken up with friends. I was stuck at home. I do remember it being easier once when my mom's date invited me to go canoeing with them. I thought it was great and liked feeling involved.

[livednlearned]

I do remember it being easier once when my mom's date invited me to go canoeing with them. I thought it was great and liked feeling involved.

How were you acting on the outside? Did you feel awkward even though secretly it's what you wanted? Maybe I need to do the exact opposite of what S12 is suggesting? He seems to be saying he doesn't feel comfortable around new guy.

[livednlearned]

Enmeshment is a measure of psychological control (including coercive control, separation anxiety, possessiveness/jealousy, emotional reactivity, and projective mystification). In an enmeshed family everyone shares the other's life-system. One learns not to look within one's self for awareness of what one is about, but to the other members of the family. The husband who is happy when his wife is happy and sad when wife is depressed is an example of enmeshment. This is also referred to as co-dependence.

I don't think we're too enmeshed. And thanks for pasting that -- very helpful. If I didn't stick to plans to have new guy over, I think that would have been enmeshment.

Is he in counseling?

Yes. He sees his counselor once a month. I'm planning on sitting with them for 5-10 min at the beginning of their session, and bring this up. Then they'll talk. But the T doesn't really confide in me what they talk about, she'll just share generalities. So I'm on my own to try and figure out how to manage this on my own. I am glad he has a grown up to confide in about this stuff, someone other than me. Even if I don't get to hear all the details.

I bought him an old tv for his room and he then almost saw it as a benefit. His stepdad and him aren't really close but they do alright. 

Wow. If I let him have a tv in his room, he would be in heaven! I could probably adopt a family of 6 and make him eat broccoli and it wouldn't phase him. 

Not sure if you knew this, but boys are far more receptive of "talking" when activity is involved. Like throwing a ball.  

I didn't know that specifically, just that it seems to work for us. And he and his T throw a nerf football around, so I figured there must be something therapeutic to it!

[Free One]

I do remember it being easier once when my mom's date invited me to go canoeing with them. I thought it was great and liked feeling involved.

How were you acting on the outside? Did you feel awkward even though secretly it's what you wanted? Maybe I need to do the exact opposite of what S12 is suggesting? He seems to be saying he doesn't feel comfortable around new guy.

Gosh... .I didn't realize how hard it is to think back 20+ years and think about how I felt.

I don't remember feeling awkward, I just was happy to be included and doing something fun. I needed and liked the attention.

[livednlearned]

Gosh... .I didn't realize how hard it is to think back 20+ years and think about how I felt.

I don't remember feeling awkward, I just was happy to be included and doing something fun. I needed and liked the attention.

That's actually really important to hear    That you moved on, because it must have been awkward, no? What kid wouldn't have felt weird. I honestly cannot imagine. My parents were/are such a solid unit. It wasn't until my divorce, and cracking open all the FOO sores that I managed to have a separate r/s with my mom. So trying to imagine them divorcing and then dating... .can't do it.

Whatever happens is going to happen slowly, though. I'm in no rush, S12 is in no rush, new guy is in no rush. And neither of us have much free time, so we're all good there. 

[Free One]

I just had the thought that part of your son's being uncomfortable with this is that, as a boy in particular, he feels uncomfortable even trying to like or get to know a man other than his dad. He may feel he is being disloyal and it may cause awkwardness because he doesn't know where he fits into it all.

[livednlearned]

I just had the thought that part of your son's being uncomfortable with this is that, as a boy in particular, he feels uncomfortable even trying to like or get to know a man other than his dad. He may feel he is being disloyal and it may cause awkwardness because he doesn't know where he fits into it all.

That is really perceptive Free One. I hadn't thought of it, but yes -- it must trigger his loyalty stuff to his dad. Mom is getting a replacement for dad.

N/BPDx used to say to his older son, "I need you to have my back. Everyone is against me, you're the only one I have, etc." So I can imagine him saying the same stuff to S12    I think it makes the kids feel like they have to take sides or else their dad will get angry at them.

That would make any kid feel a loyalty bind, much less a boy whose mom is starting to date a new guy.