Accused; I felt angry; would like help with SET

[zaqsert]

Our return from a trip last weekend seems to have triggered my uBPDw back into an easy-to-dysregulate state.  Nothing terribly major.  Keeping boundaries, not taking bait, etc., have worked for me.  Sadly, my wife is putting her feelings and needs above those of our D2 pretty consistently.  The fact that I voice what I hear of D2's feelings and wants is probably not helping my wife's states, but my daughter deserves a voice no matter what.

My wife is now back on a kick of trying to tell me that our daughter does not listen to me.  Over dinner, apparently I handled something differently than my wife thought I should have (DD threw a few small pieces of food on the floor, and I warned her before enforcing consequences).  My wife said "That's what I'm telling you about."  I asked what she was referring to.  She said it was about the way I discipline our DD.

Unfortunately I took the bait, intending to validate, and asked her what she would have done.  Her answer was mostly about what she would do several steps later.  I just listened and said "Ok."

She turned it back on me, and I said "Let's discuss this later."  She continued and said that our DD does not listen to me.  I responded "We can discuss this in private. I want to hear NO accusations in front of DD."  She said she's not accusing.  I said nothing since I felt I had already said what I needed.

Then she went on to tell me how a friend recently told her that their D4 no longer listens to her dad, and the D4 just laughs instead.  Interestingly, just about a month ago, my wife told my brother that when I discipline our D2, that she just laughs and doesn't listen to me.  I know this not to be the truth in about 95% of the cases.

I know I should not let this get to me, but for the rest of our time at the dinner table I felt angry.  I thought about why.  I think I'm pretty used to my wife thinking things about me that are not true, and that these things sway from opposite to opposite somewhat regularly.  I think my anger was more because she made these accusations right in front of my daughter.

I'm not sure if SET or DEARMAN would be better for this.  Here's a stab:

S:  I discipline DD in ways that are different than what you would do.

E:  That seems to frustrate you, sometimes you seem to feel that it undermines what you do, and other times you may feel that DD does not listen to be because of it.

T:  I discipline as I believe to be best.  I am happy to discuss approaches in private.  I never want to hear any negative comments about parenting within earshot of DD.

(In the past, my wife has tried to argue that DD either wasn't listening or wouldn't understand.  I continue to disagree.)

What do you think?  Suggestions?

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