Tired of losing friends

[Stoic1]

I'm tired of losing friends.  Seems like anytime there is a disagreement between my uBPDw and our friends she always hits the nuclear button and another friend vanishes.

How do you all cope with this?  I don't feel like I can tell them she's a borderline, what do you say?  What do you do?

TIA

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zaqsert]

Boundaries can help.

What are your values with respect to these friendships?  Your wife may want to get rid of the friendships, but do you?

I have extremely few (can count them on well under one hand) very close friends, who I know really well, to whom I would say anything about my wife's apparent disorder, or at least mention her behavior.  Most people don't understand BPD and are unlikely to get it even if you try to explain it to them.

Is there a boundary that you would want to put in place?  Maybe something like "I will keep friendships that I value"?  If you have not done this before then you will likely face a difficult transition with your wife.  But if it is important to you, you stick to it, and remember that the boundary is about what you do (not what your wife does), then it can work.

What do you think would work for you?  What would you like to do?

[waverider]

Often it is hard to keep or reestablish friendships until you have other aspects of living in a BPD relationship in hand. A general handle on boundaries, maintaining yourself as an individual and not just an extension to feed your partners needs. In short a degree of unenmeshing yourself first needs to happen. Until this happens outsiders will be seen as the cause, and competition, for your divided attention.

Sometimes you need to get the "new you" established before outsiders can be made acceptable again. Sometimes they never will and you just will have to be firm. But be aware that all her issues in regard to abandonment etc will be projected on them and they will be painted black and you are likely to be constantly put in that "them or me" drama

[Grey Kitty]

If this was a friend of both you and your uBPDw, and she goes nuclear with the friend, you can only accept that she did that.

If this is somebody that you have an individual friendship with, or somebody you wish to maintain an individual friendship with, you have two issues to deal with:

1. How much you say about your W going nuclear to your friend.

2. (I'm guessing that this happens) Your wife's insistence that you not associate with this (now) horrible person.

Issue #1 is easier than you think. Say as little as possible about BPD or anything specific your wife is going through. Just tell your friend that your wife has her own issues, and those are hers, and you value their friendship, and do not want to end it over your wife's issues.

Issue #2 is simple, but not any easier than you think it will be. All you can do is set boundaries, and refuse to let this happen. The S.E.T. tool can be a helpful one to explain it to her.

A warning: This probably isn't a conscious effort on her part, but isolating you from other influences is part of the system of control that your wife is trying to exert on you. Fighting back against it will require strength on your part--if this is the first time you've defied this sort of effort on her part, she will probably escalate things as you start to resist.

If you haven't read the lessons here, let me recommend these two:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

[Stoic1]

Grey Kitty hit it, this is a couple we are friends with.  We have (had?) a group of 5 couples we get together with for vacations every couple of years.  We all used to live in the same city but 3 of us have moved since.  Anyway, in planning our next trip She got offended and hit the nuke button. 

Honestly, I saw this coming.  She already painted 2 couples black so it was just a matter of time and now I'm afraid we'll be on the outs with the group.

Thanks for the links Grey Kitty, I'll review them again.

[Grey Kitty]

I wish you the best. Sometimes you gotta choose your battles... .a couple you interacted with as a couple would be tougher to re-adjust to being individual friends of yours.

If you pick this battle, those are the tools you'll need to work on it--please let us help you more on what you are going to do and how.

Whether you choose this one or not, it is absolutely worth finding friends in your life who you will stick by and who will stick by you regardless of what your wife does. That sort of thing will protect your own sanity (and thus help your marriage and everything else)

 GK