ultimatum said... sudden turnround...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi friends,

After giving up on the marriage with no chance it will work, ive stated calmly that im going to speak to a legal person tomorrow... .he came and speak with me saying that he doesnt want that and asked me to list things that i will change to make him a happy husband again.

(Full realization for this illness at this time)

I validate what he was saying and asked what will he do in return... .no straight answer reply and just said something about he is this way because of me.

He may compromise if my list is good... .if not , we can still choose to leave each other.

Ad he used sex after for closeness, saying that this is the only thing that works in our r's...

I said we can only do it if he loved me.

Its a twisted mess now... .showing that i was joking n wasnt weak to leave made him panic... .

I guess it destroyed the power of him using the divorce threat on me, finally... .as i posted a few times on this...

Theres not much to write on my list... .its just a delay tactic... .any thoughts ?

[Not normal]

Hi friends,

After giving up on the marriage with no chance it will work, ive stated calmly that im going to speak to a legal person tomorrow... .he came and speak with me saying that he doesnt want that and asked me to list things that i will change to make him a happy husband again.

(Full realization for this illness at this time)

I validate what he was saying and asked what will he do in return... .no straight answer reply and just said something about he is this way because of me.

He may compromise if my list is good... .if not , we can still choose to leave each other.

Ad he used sex after for closeness, saying that this is the only thing that works in our r's...

I said we can only do it if he loved me.

Its a twisted mess now... .showing that i was joking n wasnt weak to leave made him panic... .

I guess it destroyed the power of him using the divorce threat on me, finally... .as i posted a few times on this...

Theres not much to write on my list... .its just a delay tactic... .any thoughts ?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chosen]

Hi Not normal,

I'm not familiar with your story, and also the divorce threats your H present to you.  However, I think it is worth looking at a few issues:

- do either/ both of use use divorce as an empty threat?  I.e. you throw these words out without wanting to do it or carrying it through?  It eventually loses its power if one party "cried wolf" too many times.

- Your H doesn't want you to leave (because this time it's you who called divorce, not him), but what is doing is telling you to list the things you will change, to get to you to accept the blame for the failure of the relationship?  And by doing that he stopped you from going to a legal person?  I think he just took power back into his hands. 

I know you have a lot on your hands, and you're probably worried about the future of your marriage.  However, it's worth taking some time to think if you may have been using some of the tactics he has used on you ( as we call it).  Unfortunately, pwBPDs are masters of control, and when we try to manipulate them, it usually backfires on us.

So what is your goal for the marriage?  Do you want to work out or are you seeking for ways to get out of it?

[Not normal]

Hi chosen

You're so right... .he just got control back... in the past, he knew I feared divorce, hence he used it as a threat as a reason for me to not get what I want... and to keep me around. Now I ve finally given up and want to leave for the first time... .and he's asking me not to go to legal...

I suppose I ll talk to him on Sunday... .n wait for him to agree to therapy or I'm walking...

[Not normal]

Update: no lists made, no talks made, its like he became the person I once fell in love with 4 years ago... he talks like a normal person, gives love and attention , but I feel like this is not the real him... as mentioned, they re masters of manipulation... .I totally agree.

I ve got a big week this week, and will have a talk about seeing a counselor, and that it has to happen before we can move on.

I can't ask for a therapist now as he doesnt feel that he has a problem.

Have I decided to try ? Yes, one last time... .I mean what I say and I say what I do... .funny that he is opposite to that. 

[Chosen]

Good for you, Not normal.  It's not easy to bring up these discussions but it sounds like you know what you want.  I hope you will find the courage to stick to your boundaries no matter what!  (e.g. "if he doesn't agree to counselling, I will talk to a legal person- even if that doesn't mean divorce".  It is difficult, you have to be the stronger person and stick to your guns, but you can do it!