Mother with BPD-first post

[sunshine4916]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post... .I feel like I'm losing my mind... .my mother has horrible BPD. If you have read "Understanding the Borderline Mother," my mother is the queen/witch subtype. She abused me my entire childhood, but I was so blinded I didn't realize it was abuse until around a year ago when I went away to college (I am 20 now). I realized that my entire life she kept me away from my family to the point where I thought that nobody wanted me except her. She made me completely dependent on her to where I have difficulty today doing simple tasks alone without her help. I was always the mom in the relationship... .comforting her and soothing her even at a young age. I never received comfort as a child, and that's why I am dealing with issues nowadays. Thanks to the help of my fiance and his parents, I am doing a lot better. I also reformed connections with my extended family such as my grandmother who my mother would never allow me to see so I do have support... .but nobody fully understands the abuse I still undergo with my mom. My father hates her but is also an abuser... .he emotionally abused me and physically and sexually abused me as well (not rape or molestation but inappropriate touching, comments, and staring). He also has a horrible temper to the point where I'm terrified of him.

I recently moved out of my parents' house and in with my fiance into an apartment nearby. My parents went ballistic but they started to be okay with it more and more... .until my mom finally snapped. She was only satisfied if I saw her numerous times a week for long periods of time. The abuse has escalated more and more so that I feel trapped. She calls me 5 times a day and always demands to know where I am at every point... .and if I don't talk to her until mid-day she answers with "Well, you're still alive I see... ." she emotionally tortures me to the point of me being suicidal and to the point of being hospitalized.

Even though I am moved out, I still have to deal with her calling me constantly, showing up on our doorstep, demanding to see me almost every day and holding money over my head if I don't do as she says (my parents still pay for some of my college tuition, my health and car insurances and my cell phone bill). She screams at me over the phone, calls me names, and insults me to the point where I collapse on the floor after her phone calls. I answer because if I don't, she will literally go insane and the abuse will worsen. I've discussed this with my extended family and they just don't understand how to deal with her... .they say if I go to lunch with her one on one once a week and if my fiance go over there for dinner once a week, they should be appeased. What they don't understand is that I am doing that plus even more... .nothing is ever enough for her. I have recently been hanging up on her when the abuse starts and leaving outings if she starts. However, due to my own BPD and how she raised me, I am emotionally attached to her still so even though I hate her, I can't stand to be without her at the same time... it's a sick thing and it distracts me from every day life.

I am just at a loss on how to deal with her. She has turned me dad against me telling him I hate him and that I'm a horrible daughter. I also have a younger autistic brother who she abuses me in front of... .he is completely dependent upon her because she created him that way. She purposely keeps him under-developed so he will need her. She is a sick woman.

If anyone has any advice on how to deal with her, please help... .I've been told to cut her and my dad out but with my unhealthy emotional attachment to her, it makes things difficult. Also, having an Italian family, my extended family, even knowing the abuse she puts me through, will be very resentful and angry at me if I cut my parents out since it will ruin the family dynamic. I feel trapped. I feel like nobody understands and I have developed teeth grinding, TMJ, anxiety/panic attacks, ticks, lack of sleep, depression all because of her. I feel like my body is in a constant state of stress and paranoia.

If anyone has any advice or wants to share a story, please do... .I feel so alone and I don't know how to proceed

[pessim-optimist]

Hi sunshine4916 



Welcome to this community! Please accept my   You truly need one... .

This is such a difficult situation for you, especially because you are still so young and financially dependent on your parents. I have read "Understanding the Borderline mother" and my mother is BPD also, luckily more of the Hermit type with the witch appearing only rarely... .

Your situation is truly tough, but there IS HOPE! We are here to support you, and help you on your journey to healing. As you find support and learn the skills that will better protect you from your mother's harmful behaviors, you will start feeling better, and your relationship with your dad may even heal too.

When a parent has BPD, the illness can be devastating for the children, and it can negatively effect the whole family. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your mother, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

Please keep posting. This board has been such a help for me, and I know it can do the same for you too.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, sunshine4916 & I'd like to join pessim-optimist in welcoming you to our family... .

Wow... .your situation sound so stressful, painful and traumatic; I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this! Life with your Mom does sound horrible; I'm glad you moved out and that you have your fiancé and his family as a support system. Are they helpful to you? Supportive? Do they understand your situation and give you love and comfort? I truly hope so... .

One thing that I need to ask you (since you mentioned it), are you OK? You said that your Mom has driven you to suicidal thoughts; does your fiancé know this? Are you seeing a therapist, councilor, clergyman? You are in college, right? I bet they have mental health services for students that are affordable; have you ever sought them out? If not... .Can you promise me that you will call for an appointment or see them in person? Like tomorrow? (I'm a Mom myself... .I can't help wanting to protect you!   ). Here are some links for you to check out; they are for young people with troubled families:

www.youthcrisisline.org/

Your Life Your Voice

www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/AskIt/Pages/default.aspx

1-800-448-3000

Resources for BPD Sufferers

The second 2 links are important, even if you think that you aren't suicidal, and you want to get help with your Mom issues, and your own mental health issues. Please check them out, OK? There are many resources here (and I know you've already checked some of them out; you've been over on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board and that is the best Message Board for you on this site). While you are reading over there, be sure to check out the Suggested Reading and Lessons that are pinned to the top of that page, and the Coping Links and Survivors Guide Links to the right-hand side of that same page.

Since you are already posting there, you will eventually hear from other children of BPD Moms, and you will find advice, insights and support from them. Read, post, ask questions... .and please check out those links I gave you above for young people, OK? Promise me? We are here for you, and want you to grow, heal and have a good life  

[Bella Storm]

Hi sunshine4916 and  .

I found out the my mom has BPD about a month ago. I was just barely able to start therapy today (to deal with everything). Many colleges have free counseling available to students, so that could be an option for help. I would highly recommend therapy to help with setting boundaries. You can lean on your fiance for support and also on your future inlaws. They sound like awesome people.

The little bit of normalcy I have in my life is thanks to my awesome husband and his loving family. I can totally relate to being the adult in the relationship from a young age (4 years old) and I was the oldest child of 6. It is a horrible dynamic.

One thing that might help with the money situation is to do student loans. Yes borrowing money sucks, but the government is much easier to deal with and the interest rates are very low (it's how I am getting through college). It is free to fill out the forms and that can help cut the financial ties that are being held over your head.

It is really difficult to set boundaries because we have been trained to take care of whatever is best for our BPD mom, instead of meeting our own needs. Well, the sad reality is if we don't meet our own needs nobody else is going to do it. (Husbands/Fiance's help, but they take their cues from us on what we need and we have to articulate it to them- not easy when we have had to suck it up for so many years).

Lots of hugs to you. You are not alone in this.

~ Bella

[Calsun]

Hi sunshine4916,

First of all, thank you for sharing your story.  You are not alone.  I could relate so much to what you are going through.  My mother is a witch type uBPD, and it is really very much like trying to relate to someone out of the exorcist.  No limits to their destructiveness, cruelty and abuse.  And you don't have a father who can protect you, and in fact has abused you in the most violative of ways.

As Bella said, I'd recommend seeking counseling at your school. One of the great things that you have going for you is your awareness at a very young age of what you are dealing with.  And there is help.  One of the things that the borderlines do is to try to foster complete dependence on them.  My mother tried to portray the world as untrustworthy and harmful, so that I would never leave her.  So that I would never find connection beyond her and the immediate family.  My family system was sick, and there was no support to be found there, and yet she taught me to feel as though that was all I could ever find beyond the family. Not true, just BPD sickness and emotional violence.  The more we reach out to healthy and loving people, the more we come to understand that our mothers are the sick ones.  There may not be hope within the family of origin, but there is real love and hope beyond it.  You may have been born into that family, but you don't have to remain in it physically and spiritually.

It's great that you have found this site, that you have these insights so early in life.  I know how overwhelming and lonely this must feel, without support in your family of origin, and in fact with violence against you in your family of origin.  Just know that the messages from your mother are untrue, that they come from sickness, that there is help and safety and protection beyond your family of origin, that you can build a family of your own that includes a supportive therapist, a community of people in recovery and lots of loving, healthy friends. 

Best,

Calsun

[sunshine4916]

Hi, Rapt Reader... .

I was more suicidal in the past when I was actually living with her... .now I get helpless and have the urge to self-harm but I don't act upon it. Where I live, the therapists don't fully understand BPD... .I always come out feeling like I know more than they do. I read self-help books for BPD... .is that youth crisis hotline okay to call when I'm feeling hopeless about my mom who has BPD?

[sunshine4916]

Thank you... .

I agree completely, Bella... .yes I can do loans but my concern is health and car insurances. Where I live they are both sky high... .it's like I'm trapped.

Calsun,

It's like you're dealing with the same thing I am... .I feel so alone because no friends can ever understand how she is, my own extended family can't (I have a non-verbal younger autistic brother but he is her possession). They are a loving, kind family and I love them but they are just at a loss on how to deal with my mother, and I can't cut her out because relatives will be disappointed in me.

Just now, it's only 3pm and I already have gotten 2 missed calls from my mom and also a text asking when have I stopped calling her :/ my mom has made me completely dependent on her to the point where I feel like I need to get a "fix" by hearing her voice... .it's so sick :/

[Rapt Reader]

is that youth crisis hotline okay to call when I'm feeling hopeless about my mom who has BPD?

sunshine4916... .You can call that Hotline whenever you feel that you are hopeless and in a crisis situation and need some "talking down" or desperate help. If you feel dysregulated and need someone who understands and can calm you down, and one-to-one help by phone is faster and better than online posts: Yeah. Call them  

[pessim-optimist]

Hi again, sunshine,

just re-reading your story reminds me of some of the stressful situations I had to endure when I was in college.

My mom would give me just enough money to get by, but would also grow hysterical that I would drop out of school getting a part-time job... .She would try to put guilt trips on me regarding 'her supporting me', and when I said I had enough and would support myself, she had a complete melt-down, screaming and crying and physically pushing money into my palms, and telling me that I was going to kill her with the stress I was putting her through... . 

Sunshine   I know it is so, so stressful... .And dealing with our parents the way other people would does not work.

Here's what I am thinking: You are such a strong girl by now, having endured what you had so far. Do not do anything drastic before you think it through. You have endured so much so far, try to play it cool for a bit more, while you are making a plan for yourself. And in the meantime - try to get some relief, some time away, activities that you enjoy, thing that you find relaxing.

I think that in the long run, it will be best for you NOT to be financially dependent on your parents. But, you have to have a plan first.

In the short run - the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" clearly says that when the 'witch' character appears, the only way to protect yourself is to remove yourself from that situation. That would mean hanging up the phone when getting yelled at etc.

The broader context for this is negotiating the balance between the tools of validating (when the 'witch'character is not on the scene) and boundaries (which protect you, but also may trigger vengeful behaviors in the person wBPD) - so, that is something you will need to educate yourself about well first, before you try it out. Are you up for it?

This may be a lot to digest at once... .What do you think?