Our Communication

[downandin]

Me:  "We have to talk about things to be able to work them out."

Her:  "We've already talked about it for years and I'm not going to talk about it anymore."

Me:  "No, we've never really talked.  It's always just like this."

Her:  "Yes we have."

Me:  "I love you, have a good day."



Actual Conversation from this morning... .what can I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Just start talking about things... .don't preface it like in Spaceballs "Prepare to fast forward!"  "Preparing to fast forward, Sir!" 

Talking won't really do much to change anything, unless it's just that you need to have things said to feel better yourself.  What worked for us overall was me learning how my reactions to BPDBF's actions were just keeping things going in a cycle, and how I had to be the one to act differently to break that cycle.  Look at the Lessons, pick one thing to try for a week, and see if you notice any differences in either how you feel OR how your pwBPD is.  Once you work on you, you'll be surprised how much better  YOU feel and how thigns that sued to cause arguments really aren't the issue - it's your reactions to each other.

[downandin]

Just start talking about things... .don't preface it like in Spaceballs "Prepare to fast forward!"  "Preparing to fast forward, Sir!"  

Talking won't really do much to change anything, unless it's just that you need to have things said to feel better yourself.  What worked for us overall was me learning how my reactions to BPDBF's actions were just keeping things going in a cycle, and how I had to be the one to act differently to break that cycle.  Look at the Lessons, pick one thing to try for a week, and see if you notice any differences in either how you feel OR how your pwBPD is.  Once you work on you, you'll be surprised how much better  YOU feel and how thigns that sued to cause arguments really aren't the issue - it's your reactions to each other.

Please see my earlier posts.  This isn't just about communication in general.  We have a really bad marital issue and if we can't find a way to fix things, our marriage is doomed.  The only way it can be fixed is if she will talk to me so I can tell her what I need.  This morning, I tried to kiss her goodbye and she pushed me away because she has me painted black right now over this.  All I want is to talk about it, but she knows that this might lead to her having to accept some slight micron of responsibility.  That is something she can't or won't ever do.

[isilme]

"This morning, I tried to kiss her goodbye and she pushed me away because she has me painted black right now over this.  All I want is to talk about it, but she knows that this might lead to her having to accept some slight micron of responsibility.  That is something she can't or won't ever do."

Well, if she won't accept responsibility, talking to her won't fix it.  You can't "fix" the marriage by talking to her about it.  You have to make the needed changes in yourself.  Please, I am in a 17 year relationship with a pwBPD, and after I started working on me, with the help of treatment for my own depression, I saw real improvement, not just in my own feelings, but in how BF treated me. 

And all I'm am saying is that talking will really only help you feel you had your say.  You can only take care of you, change you, and affect what you think say and do.  Telling her what you think/feel won't affect what she is thinking or feeling, especially if you have been painted black.  And to talk AT her, you don't need her cooperation or permission.  She will or won't respond based on her BPD, not based on what you say.  So work on YOU.  If you can drag her to counseling, great.  If not, go yourself.  A pwBPD isn't going to listen to any sort of reason.  You have to show them with consistent actions where your boundaries are, what you will and won't do or accept from them, etc. 

By all means, tell your W what you are feeling, thinking and what actions you feel need to be taken.  But accept as the more emotionally cognizant person in the r/s that you will not get results from her simply by trying to have a conversation among equals.  You have been painted black.  Nothing you say is valid to her as long as this holds.  What she feels at this very moment is her truth, and words won't change that.

[downandin]

"You have been painted black.  Nothing you say is valid to her as long as this holds.  What she feels at this very moment is her truth, and words won't change that.

You are right, I know.  I just don't see how I can ever fix a serious physical/psychological issue about myself that requires tenderness, love, and understanding from her.  I really need her to understand that I don't want to not be able to make love to her, but I can't as long as things are this way.  She has shamed me to the point that I no longer feel like the man in the relationship, when I am with her.  When I look at her, I can't see her that way, because I really don't feel she truly loves me or respects me.  You have no idea the shame she has heaped upon me about my inability to 'perform.'