He claims I said something I didn't say - now he wants "space" because of it

[connect]

Hi guys,

Back again! So remember the incident with his ex gf I posted about last?  It's here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=209102.0

To cut a long story short we accidently bumped into his ex (previousley someone he remained VERY close friends with  - he pitted us against each other in the past as she still loved him and wanted him back) So on the meeting I decided to let bygones be bygones and introduced myself to her and was friendly as the whole situation was crazy making and childish) He became extremley dysregulated over this (he never allowed us to meet - typical BPD behaviour) and I had to leave his house once when he threw me out and another time by my own violition that weekend. (we dont live together but I spend over 50% of my time there)

I stayed at his Weds night and he was distant but ok. In the morning he was fine and making jokes etc. Then something triggered him (me wanting to come over that night) and he was off dysregulating again.

He said that when we met he had told me he felt "very awkward" and that is true.

He then went on to say that he asked me "please don't say anything to her" This is UNTRUE. This did not come out of his mouth!

If he had have done then I wouldn't have said anything to her. Obviously in hindsight that's what he was thinking but HE DIDNT SAY IT.

So in his head he asked me not to talk to her but I went ahead and did it anyway. No wonder he feels angry and upset. I was so shocked that I didnt even get the chance to correct him and then I immediately left due to the rage.

In the dysregulation I should have validated saying " if that's what you believed happend then no wonder you feel that way - the truth is that it wasnt something that you asked me to do"  but I didnt as I was so blindsided by the sudden rage/shift that it caught me off guard. This was then closely followed by some awful dysregulated things. ie he asked me what I was petrified of if he has space - I answered - "you leaving me and all this being for nothing" (I left my 14 yr r/s for him) at which point he said that's exactly what he will do so I can see how he feels right now. Nice.

He did text to apologise for his outburst - he called it being grumpy - but he is still wanting space. He told me when he was dysregulated that he needs this space to re-evalute the r/s and decide if he wants to continue after the blow I dealt him. I don't know if that's still the case since he has apologised but either way my phone is not beeping with incomming calls since the apology... .I am backing off and giving him the space.

My question is about his recall of the event. As he got it so so so wrong this has led to his current actions. I dont know how to handle this? Especially on a "space" period. Do I bring it up? I don't want to cement it in his mind by makiing him defend this untruth... but on the other hand him believing it has caused this rift.

On another note he did go to his first T appt  (which is fabulous) on Weds although unfortunately he told him the wrong version of events too.

Thanks guys

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[MaybeSo]

You give him space.

What more can you do?

This kind of  stuff will likely happen a lot.

Accurate memory is not a strong-suit if you have BPD.  In deed, I sometimes think they are in such an infantile mindset that they expect you to intuit or read their mind, like a good mother would try to read and intuit what a preverbal infant might want or need based on their non verbal cues.  

If you don't do this or do it incorrectly,  it can feel like to them you went against or ignored their expressed wishes or needs. Even if they weren't actually verbally expressed.    The FEELING that you did this matters and carries more weight than the actual facts.  

Feelings = facts.

Not fun.

[Scout99]

Hi sweetie!

I am so sorry for all the things this relationship is putting you through... .

He really tries his best to make things hard for you dear... .

And in all honesty he is gaslighting here quite a bit, and also dissociates and rewrites history to fit with his frustration and anger to give him an outlet... .

It is important here for you to keep a bit of an objective perspective. The whole incident at the swimming place is not about you and your behavior at all! It is about him and his fear of letting the two of you meet, because in his mind he is afraid to become accused of all kinds of things, that again is all about him. It is all a bit paranoid really... .

From an objective point of view, he was treating you disrespectfully at the swimming place... .You are his girlfriend and his loyalty and respect should be with you first and foremost... .For whatever reason he still wants to keep this ex girlfriend close, a bit too close if you ask me, and that is really what is causing all of the trouble he feels... .

He is afraid to loose you, but he is also afraid to loose her from what it looks like the way you describe it... .

What he should have done if he was a healthy guy, he ought to have introduced you to her. He should not seek her out every chance he got to chat with her, but should have kept the interaction between both him and her and all three of you short and sweet... .Nothing more, nothing less. And he should have wanted to make sure you were ok with the situation, because this situation from an objective perspective is most uncomfortable to you, not him really... .

But instead he makes it all about him, which is what he does due to his BPD... .

Now I understand all so well your wish of not triggering his rage and you want to prevent him from dysregulating. And using the tools for that is exactly what they are for. But at the same time, it can not be so that you have to become a doormat in the situation and that you have to accept situations or behaviors from him that are not acceptable to you! Finding the balance in that is imperative for you to be able to remain sane and above all for you to be able to remain you in this relationship... .

Perhaps a more honest approach to all of this might be helpful once he comes around and ends the silence... .? What would happen if you honestly asked him what it is he is afraid of is going to happen when the two of you women meet? Asking you not to speak to her doesn't really solve anything, and is that even an acceptable solution to you? He really has to choose to accept that you are an individual and that you have to be able to be responsible about what to say or do in such situations, without being told or ordered what to do, to please his fear... .

He has to deal with his fear, you cannot do that for him... .

If he says he thinks you are going to say things or ask things that may hurt him, then turn the responsibility back to him by asking what it is that makes him feel you would? Why would you want to hurt him? Are there any evidence pointing to that you would? Asking him questions like that forces him to think. And deflects the unreasonable responsibility dropped on you to solve his problems... .Instead invite him into talking, not arguing about how you in the future together can handle encounters like these, since they are in all likelihood going to happen again, since the three of you run in the same circles. And show him that you are willing to listen to him and will validate when he expresses what it is that truly worries him... .Sometimes we have to help our BPD loved ones to stay in reality, when dysregulation lurks around the corner... .And sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't... .

But the solution can never be that you comply and agree to do things that clearly violates your needs and your boundaries. That is not what the tools are for... .

Like Maybe So says, situations like this are bound to happen a lot in your relationship, since he is so unstable. And you need to work on how to stay true to you, so that you can gain some strength and stability. Because you are going to have to be the stable one in this relationship, because he will never be able to axle that task... .

I would like to recommend you to read Jeffrey Youngs book on schema therapy that has an elaborate chapter on BPD and how therapists who do schema work with BPD patients. Some of the stuff there can really be helpful in distinguishing what to do and when in communication with pw BPD. Since from a schema perspective they jump in and out of different roles, like the vulnerable abandoned child, and the defensive adult, and so on. And as a schema therapist you learn to distinguish which one of the roles you are dealing with at given times and adjust your communication accordingly to meet them where they are... .It gives you more of an upper hand on things, and that has at least to me been helpful at learning what to say and when, and helped me from staying away from the eggshells... .

As you know I wish you all the best with your guy, since I know you love him a lot, but you cannot tolerate him to abuse you this way... .It is crazy making and it will get harder and harder to stay focused on reality if it continues... . 

Best Wishes as always

Scout99

[eyvindr]

connect,

I feel for you, and echo Scout's words. I wish this would all work. I've been there.

That said, it sure sounds like a helluva lot of work to just be accepted by your bf as the woman who loves him.

Why is he making you jump through hoops to love him?

Hang in there.

[connect]

Hi guys  

Have an update:

I gave him space and sent a "ping" out by text last night (one that didnt require a response) He asked me to come over. We had a good evening. This morning however when I tried to initiate sex he pushed me away saying it "felt wierd" but later apologised for it (although still wouldnt have sex). It was ok this morning in general though apart from that.

We both have some things to do this weekend - he had a busy day/evening arranged with his friends socially so I had breakfast there and then left him to it. This time I made sure I didnt tidy his place up and made my own breakfast as he wasnt up (rather then the usual "nice" stuff I do like tidying and cooked breakfast) Am a bit p*ssed off that some of my plans fell through which leaves a gap to wonder what he's doing. Am consciously trying to change my behaviour though. Been reading some great posts on here about Intimacy (yours Maybeso) and what that looks like in real life compared to the intimacy I have here (matched what you said you had Maybeso). Have enjoyed the absense of the eggshall feeling that I have had today I must say. I could feel the eggshellyness creeping back a touch last night.

To go back to the original post...

Maybeso you said

n deed, I sometimes think they are in such an infantile mindset that they expect you to intuit or read their mind, like a good mother would try to read and intuit what a preverbal infant might want or need based on their non verbal cues.  rolleyes

Yes. I felt that I was required to be a mind reader in all this. He didnt want me to talk to her so I should have KNOWN that without being told.

Scout!  Thanks for your post   Yes somewhere along the way the original situation quickly can become lost in the dysregulation and recovery from the dysregulation. I find myself so keen to get the r/s back on track that I almost forget the original issue... .This happens time and time again Gaslighting? Yes, you know I had never looked at this as gaslighting before - more as twisting of the truth / bad memory / dysregulation but yep gaslighting sure fits... Also everything you said about how a boy should treat his g/f is what I believe too - you can prioritise your g/f AND still introduce her to others, talk to other women but there is some respect in there and so it works. If the situation was reversed I would have made sure my b/f didnt feel left out and i would have introduced him to my ex and kept it short and sweet. He is rubbish at this stuff - always has been.

Again spot on about the tools - they arent there to allow me to accept things I find difficult... mmm. lots to think about. In answer to your question about why he doesnt want us to meet? When in a rage he said it was because we were both manipulative and that's why! BS. I am going to order the book you recommended on payday.

I have been quite introspective today in general and it's been good to have some time to myself today. I am not as panicy about him atm as I am seeing the patterns. I am trying to turn these situations around in my head into "do I want that?" rather then "what is he thinking?" It does make me fed up - he has started the therapy now which I wanted him to do for a long time so I am hoping that this will help us.

[qkslvrgirl]

Connect, I am tossing this out based on my experience with uBPDh: People with this disorder sometimes keep old relationships "on the shelf" just in case their current one doesn't work out. They lie to the other women about how they feel about their current active relationship so there is someone (other source) to catch them if things go wrong.

I know it can be difficult when you want the relationship to work and are constantly having the rug pulled out - it's an effort to control you by keeping you off-balance emotionally.

Enjoy your own space and give yourself permission to be happy in your own right.

[connect]

Thanks Qkslvrgirl,

Yep you are right - the dynamic with her in the past has always been as "the back burner girl" (of course he would deny this) One or other of us would be painted black and the other white which is how the whole thing became so ridiculous and I told him I wasnt happy with the amount of time he was spending with her as "friends" It reached a crises point (for me) in April and he stopped seeing her. I know that she and I would have been told various untruths about each other (he plays the victim often) and so THAT would have been the real reason he didnt want us to meet - in case we found out. Even being aware of this dynamic, I was trying to put the whole thing behind us so that future meetings would be less awkward. There would have been future meetings at the school gate etc... I never want to have a long discussion with her about him but I did not want to be made out to be the baddie when in fact I am pretty reasonable. Me introducing myself and being polite probably contradicted all the negative things he had no doubt said about me being "jealous and unreasonable" but yes my politeness was twisted into me being "jealous and unreasonable" anyway!

Over the last few weeks I have had it rammed into my core that he is someone who I cannot rely on emotionally on a r/s. A hard pill to swallow. I have known this on an intellectual level for months and months but I am now acting on this information. For example I have many things going on in my life in which a partner would ideally be there for me - housing, money, job difficulties (as a result of me leaving my previous 14 yr r/s). I have stopped asking for his emotional support and have started acting on my own on these issues. I know that ultimately we are responsible for ourselves but support from a r/s partner in difficult times is something I think you should have in a r/s and it has taken me a while to get my head around the fact that this is not what will happen with him until his therapy kicks in (hopefully) I have been feeling pretty alone recently and in quite a few ways I have realised that I actually feel "single". I increasingly find myself looking at other couples (my past r/s even) and envying that.

These feelings are coming out quite strongly atm in me. It seems bizarre that they are coming out NOW when he has just started the therapy which I had wanted for so long? Perhaps now he has started therapy I feel safer to admit those feelings in myself? IDK... .

[qkslvrgirl]

Hi Connect! I am not a therapist, though I do follow Dr. David M Allen's blog on BPD and family dysfunctions. So here is my amateur question / thought:

Is your SO going into T something you realize MAY change the r/s dynamics? Even with the current status of your not-quite-great r/s, you have become more self-sufficient ("I feel single" - and this is a more mature position.

If your partner changes through therapy, then the current dynamics will change. This is a simplistic model, I know: You may have to relax and remain present to see where your interactions can be pleasantly adjusted as your partner changes.

It's all rather unsettling, but people tend to adjust rather quickly to behavior changes, unless they are too enmeshed.

ain.In my experience, my r/s with uBPDh requires a high degree of self-sufficiency on my part - along with remaining present when with him. Kind of a delicate balancing act, as I would like to be able to have the support I have experienced in my first marriage and earlier in this r/s. I do know that as soon as I relax too much, the BPD lion will pounce - just to shake the dynamics ag