Handling my mother

[brebegone]

A week ago this all happened.  First a little back story for you, my mom who I believe has had BPD for at least 15 years is highly functional and you would never know the crazy switch behind her facade if you aren't a part of the family.  My father and I have been reading up on BPD and finding better ways to deal with her and make our lives easier but it doesn't always quell the storm and you have to just weather the oncoming flood. 

Last week we all were headed to a concert for my last night in California (just moved to Chicago).  First we are sitting there and it is getting cold so my dad decides to buy himself a sweatshirt, he offered to buy me one but I said no thanks.  My mom then wonders off after my dad gets back and when she returns has bought me a sweatshirt and t-shirt, both without me asking for them (this will be key later).  Then it started to rain at the concert, we had only bought two ponchos and there were three of us.  My mom got one and then my dad offered one to me but I turned it down because I knew the rain wasn't going to last very long, it didn't maybe like 5 minutes. 

Concert goes on and finishes and we get up to leave.  As we are leaving we usually go to a bar and play shuffleboard but that night was different my mom said she didn't feel like playing because she was mad at dad.  They start arguing and I walk away because I don't want to ruin my night.  They eventually meet me back at the hotel still yelling and carrying on with each other.  Mom insists that I listen to this argument as I am a part of it, which is a terrible way to spend your last evening for a long time with your parents.  For 3 hours I listen to them argue over the most mundane details of the night, I will spare you all the details but it boiled down to a few key points.  How my dad wasn't thoughtful enough to give me the poncho, how thoughtful she was being by buying me a sweatshirt (which I thanked her for a bunch) and that we didn't acknowledge how nice she was to me by buying me a sweatshirt.  It sucked. 

The only good thing was from my stand point that during this argument I finally got to speak my mind about how they treat each other and how it effects me.  I told them to think about not just what they say to each other but how they say it and how it would feel to have it said to them.  Which I think kind of shocked my mom because none of her kids ever stand up to her but I knew in that instant if I didn't I would regret not saying it.  I laid into both of them for about 5 minutes and I know it was probably not the nicest thing to do but I needed it. 

Ok so that was a week ago, fast forward to last night.  I just moved and was telling my mom about it and everything was going great until she brought up my truck.  (She is helping me sell it as her and my dad's names are still on the title) She was complaining that it was going to be so much work to get it smogged and sold, which she totally offered to do.  I was going to have my brother do it but mom said she wanted to, most aggravating thing she does.  Makes me feel guilty about how much she does when she offers to do it.  Made me apologize for her offering to do that and made me feel like a terrible person because of it. 

I'm just really hurting because I finally let her words sink in today after I woke up and I realized how much they hurt and need to get it all off my chest.  This is the best place for it and if you have read this far then thank you.  I really just need to know how to move forward.  I don't want to stop contact with her but I have done it before and will do it again but I need to focus on me and get my life all together before I work on repairing whatever damage she perceives I placed on the relationship.  Suggestions will be taken into consideration.  Thank you all for your support

[Taolady]

  Brebegone, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Isn't it horrible how they can sometimes turn on a dime and another time you can see trouble coming for miles- and you've got nowhere to go to weather the storm. It's great that you and your dad are doing some reading; there are all sorts of resources here and articles that can help. Just remember that change is a process, not an event, and eventually you will find your way. Welcome and keep coming back- the moderators here are SO helpful. Good luck.

[zone out]

Brebegone

'Storm' is a very apt word - amazing how it can all erupt out of virtually nothing.  Have you ever found yourself in a dazed, puzzled state afterwards wondering "where", "how".  I think with the BPD, there are no explanations or justifications - they are always simmering away waiting to explode.

The fact that this was a celebratory night out with your parents prior to your move is unfortunate but don't let the negativity color the fact that you are moving! and will have space to breathe, a new start.  I have been reading lots of articles on this site since I joined in the summer and one recently really struck a chord with the simple phrase - "Live YOUR life, not the BPDs". I will be doing a lot of soul searching on this point - food for thought!

Good luck to you in this new phase of your life.

Zone out