Standing my ground...

[heartachedenver]

I have been moved out of the house for almost five days now and I got to have my kids to my new place (sisters) last night.  While it wasn't perfect, it was great to see them and interact with them as I missed them dearly.  Also it was great to feel like things would be OK if things did in fact end related to my marriage.  My BPD/w continues to manipulate things, first telling me that she needs more in the relationship and than I can offer, then telling me that she might be able to settle (to which I said I wasn't interested in her settling), and then telling me it isn't fair for her to have to settle.  I won't lie, it is hard to keep track of where things stand with her because it is like talking to a different person everytime we get on the phone.  All I keep doing is telling her that the only way that this works itself out long term is that if she accepts me for me.  I realize of course this doesn't fix or otherwise cure her BPD, but at least I won't be clawed back into a situtaion with her setting the bar higher than can ever achieved.  The BPD is a horrible thing and this is the first time I have every thought that I really wouldn't mind if our marriage ended.

I wish that I had the personality to just end things, but if I did, we would never has lasted as long as we have.  It has been fascinating to watch her go through rage then indifference, and then sadness.  I keep telling her that all of this is on her and that if she wants to keep me for who I am, then I will consider staying but not until then.  She then crys and tells me how terrible I am and then tells me that I am not fighting hard enough to keep us together. 

I want to thank everyone who has posted on this site.  It is a truly a life saver and has helped me see that I am not hte only person in this situation and just as importantly, there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I wish you all the best and know you are not alone.