Slightly disappointed in myself, yet at the same time patting myself on the back

[Sango216]

Hi everyone!

It has been a while since I posted on the boards.  I've been doing a lot better. Life is getting better everyday.  Today I woke up, went to school, ran some errands, and I heard my phone go off.  It was a text message.  I looked at the number and it was his.

Before I go into detail about what it said and most importantly, how I responded to it, I must say that I saw it coming.  It's strange.  The last time we spoke we argued, he made me feel so tiny, so small and insignificant.  I had gone to see a scary movie with two friends and I didn't enjoy it at all because I allowed him to get me worked up and upset.  Over the past few days I had been asking myself "Wouldn't it be funny if he contacted you on Friday when you're going to see another one of those scary movies with your friends again?  If he does contact you, let's hope you can actually enjoy the movie this time."  I know it sounds silly, but that's often how my mind functions.  I always predict things and then brush it off as me being silly, then when it happens I'm thinking "Oh my goodness!  I'm psychic!"  Haha.  Anyway, back to the story.

I looked at my text message and there it was.  "Hey Sango."  My heart dropped.  I don't like the way it made me feel.  After that last argument, I told myself that if I was given one more chance to redeem myself, one more chance to prove that I can stand my ground and not be this desperate, pathetic person that he turned me into, I would use it wisely.  In retrospect, the way I planned to respond isn't necessarily wise or mature at all.  I wanted to tell him "Please don't ever contact me again."  I wanted to insult him.  I wanted to say a lot.  But today all I could do was stare at my phone and ask "Is this really happening?"  I called my mother.  I called a friend.  I needed someone to talk to before I did or said anything.  Against the advice of those around me, I responded, but I was very short.  I simply said "Hey."  He asked "How are you," to which I responded "I am doing well."  His response?  "Oh, that's good.  I was just checking to see how you were doing.  Enjoy the rest of your day."  I didn't respond after that.  I deleted the messages and went on about my day.  I saw my movie and enjoyed it, no arguing, no anger, no pain.  Nothing.  Who knows what he had up his sleeve.  Maybe he just wanted to check in on me.  Maybe he wanted to see if he could still get those same ol' reactions out of me.  My best friend says he didn't get the response out of me that he thought he would.  I think he's right.  I'm usually very talkative with him, trying to spark up conversation and keep it going.  He's usually the one who is short.  Honestly it felt good to be on the other end this time.

Here's where the disappointment comes in:  even though I didn't do anything nasty like insult him or spew all kinds of hateful words towards him, I still responded.  I didn't have the willpower to ignore him.  I wonder why.  When I saw that he had contacted me, I felt vulnerable.  Not only that, but I did want to know what he had up his sleeve.  I wanted to know why he texted me.  I have cut back on my "cyber stalking" and spying a lot.  I was sort of forced to because he put his information on private, and I am glad he did that.  However, there are still some things I can see.  I checked for the first time in a while a couple of weeks ago and saw that he had met his new girlfriend's family overseas.  He seemed really nervous about it.  I thought "He must really like her to learn her native language and meet her family.  Wow."  Even though we hadn't been together for a while, it hurt, but I didn't shed a tear. 

Hearing from him made me wonder "Why is he worried about how I'm doing when he's got her over there?"  It even got to the point where I became sort of angry, like "How dare he contact me?  He is intruding on my life and hindering my progression.  I am doing better.  Just stay away."  It probably sounds ridiculous.  But it's how I felt.  I want him to stay away from me.  It's so funny, even though he is miles away, receiving a simple text message makes me feel his energy as if he were here in the flesh.  I hate that.  It's not good energy.  It's horrible, and I just want it to disappear.

So here I am.  Sitting here in the wee hours of the morning, feeling slightly disappointed, yet proud at the same time. 

I don't know if I could call this progress, but I do feel like a much stronger person than I was before.

[DreamFlyer99]

I too hate feeling like that other person has too much power in my brain.   

Be proud--you cut the conversation off in less words than previously, right? So as you continue to work on letting go and grieving the r/s, that will change too and you'll be able to see a text from him and say "huh, don't care, you no longer have space in my head!" and just delete it and not engage. it's all steps, right?

[Sango216]

Hello Dreamflyer99!

Yes, looking back I am proud of the way I handled that situation.  He's old news.  It's time to focus on myself.  He can't rattle me up anymore. 

[seeking balance]

He can't rattle me up anymore. 

Only be proud - ignoring him is not the same as indifference - moving on with your life is.

Peace,

SB

[Sango216]

Hi Seeking Balance.

While I know I'm not all the way there, I'm definitely moving forward.  I have no desire to speak with him anymore, and what he does is none of my concern.  At first it felt strange and I thought to myself "This is someone you used to go absolutely nuts over."  Now I look back and I'm wondering what in the heck I was thinking.  I've come a long way since April, and it feels great to be able to say that.

[DreamFlyer99]

YAY FOR YOU! 

[Sango216]

Wow.  I am really late.  My apologies.  Thank you for the support Dreamflyer!

[DreamFlyer99]

No worries, Sango! I'm just glad you are continuing to work on yourself and able to see the improvement. 

[clairedair]

HI Sango,

I was just about to post when I saw your thread and realised it's about an experience similar to mine.  Good to read that you are "definitely moving forward".

I can't go totally NC as my ex and I have children.  Contact has been very limited though until this last week or so. Amazing how quickly I felt dragged back into the fog. 

We were discussing a topic that has been discussed many times and the pattern has always been the same.  He tells me he intends doing something I disagree with.  I disagree. He comes back with comments that trigger shame in me (because I feel 'not good enough' and I back off.  Then I feel shame anyway for letting him go ahead unchallenged with what he proposed.  This time I haven't backed off and the more 'personal' he's got, the more I've moved from a position of wanting to hide to realising that most of the dysfunction is on his side.

I'm able to then take it all less personally and stick to the basic facts and what it is I am disagreeing with/proposing.

I'm still not entirely happy with the way I'm dealing with it - I did get angry at one point, however, my sticking with it at all is a big step in the right direction.  I hate the feeling of waiting for a response from him but am finding that I think about it less and less.  I think about him less and less.

Pats on the back all round! 

Claire

[Sango216]

Hello Clairedair,

I am glad to hear that you're thinking about your ex partner less.  It seems as if it is so easy for them too creep into our thoughts and stay there.  You're on the right track and I hope that you can continue to stick to your guns!

Hugs,

Sango 

[livednlearned]

Same as clairedair, I can't go NC with N/BPDx because we have a child.

What I've noticed over the years is that it's two steps forward, one step back. Until one day you realize you've made it a whole mile. Then 5. Then 10. Next thing you know, you're 3000 miles from there. Once you're there, it's ok to feel back to those unsteady, vulnerable feelings because you know you made it 3000 miles. It's never completely 100% all healed up, just healed more.

Yesterday I had to go back to court and had almost forgot about it the night before. That's how ninja I am now    I'm so healed I don't get worked up about court anymore.

While I was parking, I saw his truck. Felt the feeling of dread. Noticed I was feeling dread. Then moved on.

Three years ago, it would've been so different.

[Sango216]

Good for you livednlearned!

What I've noticed over the years is that it's two steps forward, one step back. Until one day you realize you've made it a whole mile. Then 5. Then 10. Next thing you know, you're 3000 miles from there.

Exactly.  Like I've said before, I struggled with wanting to know what he was doing and keeping tabs, cyber stalking, etc.  Eventually I realized "Hey, I haven't checked up on him in a while.  I feel so much better when I don't know what is going on with him."  What's even better is these days if a mutual friend sends me something about him (which rarely occurs), it doesn't phase me like it used to.  He doesn't matter.

[livednlearned]

He doesn't matter.

I think that means you are starting to matter more.