explaining BPD traits to a child

[mother in law]

My ex DiL is a master at painting people black with outrageous lies and scenarios about the person she is angry at at the time. I have been on the end of this and it its not a lot of fun. She had been doing this about my sons new partner especially to her 10 year old daughter. My gd has subsequently been very rude and angry to this girl. At my urging my son eventually spoke to his daughter explaining that his new partner did not cause the marriage breakdown and that it was mums anger that did it. She didn't like the talk but accepted it however she said to me tonight she didn't know who to believe mummy or daddy. Without getting to involved I tried to explain that mummy does not always tell the truth and have her a few examples. I do not want to play her mothers game but how would others have explained it? Or do we just wait till she gets a bit older and understands it a bit better?

[livednlearned]

Have you read Divorce Poison?

That's the best book I know for dealing with the lies. When S12 was 9, he would repeat false things his dad said -- or worse, he would get surly toward me, and I suspected that he was dealing with something awful his dad had said about me. Someone here on Ftf recommended Divorce Poison and it was super helpful.

You did the right thing to tell your GD that her mom was not telling the truth. I think it's also important to help these kids learn how to trust themselves. For example, (and this is tough to do), when she does something that is rude or hurtful, ask her what she's feeling, and why she's saying or doing that.

If you ask her questions instead of telling her, then she learns she can trust herself. There's another great book called Power of Validation that really helped me figure out how to do that.

[mother in law]

Thank you for that I will order both those books. We had another short talk the next day as it came to me that son (her dad) had told ex BPD wife that his daughter liked his new partner (VERY silly thing to do-but understandable when being goaded into it by someone hurling abuse about her). GD cried when I said this so we talked and I promised to say to my son do NOT engage in this sort of talk with ex wife as his daughter wears the consequences. Have said this and told him to apologise to his daughter and promise to never do this again otherwise she will never trust him. It is way to much for a 10 year old to process. I feel I have taken a short course in psychology especially BPD. This site has helped immensely with advice for the rest of the family who really hope it will all just go away when we all know it won't. The advice about validating the 10 year olds feelings was great too, she does on the one hand need to be told yelling, banging fists on tables and throwing things is unacceptable but also asked why are you so angry and upset and allowed to vent those feelings but perhaps in another way.

[livednlearned]

The advice about validating the 10 year olds feelings was great too, she does on the one hand need to be told yelling, banging fists on tables and throwing things is unacceptable but also asked why are you so angry and upset and allowed to vent those feelings but perhaps in another way.

My son had a powerful learning experience with this -- during the height of our divorce mess 3 years ago, he jammed a pencil into a kid's chest. Fortunately, the child was wearing a winter coat, but S12 had to be disciplined. The school knew what he was going through and did a great job helping him make sense of what was happening. The family counselor told him that it was ok to feel angry, but that he couldn't be aggressive. S12 didn't know why he felt so angry, and the counselor said that lots of people feel that way, and learning to know we're angry and tell people is a good skill to have.

Your son and GD are lucky to have you.