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Author Topic: Just Like That  (Read 1076 times)
Bananas
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« on: September 13, 2013, 02:45:32 PM »

So I was doing much better until about 10 minutes ago when a friend of mine called to tell me that she ran into my ex at a bar last night.  He told her all about his new wife and how great everything is in his life.  It has been almost six months, I am so tired of this affecting me.  I feel like crap and I am at work crying my eyes out.  I haven't cried in a long long time I thought I was getting better. This totally sucks. 
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Surnia
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« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2013, 02:59:41 PM »

  Bananas 

Yes, this is hurting. Crying is okay.

Take some deep deep breaths.

Be nice with yourself, you are not crap. 
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“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  Brené Brown
imj72
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« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2013, 03:02:37 PM »

I am sorry you are feeling like this. Just know you are not crying alone, just know it isnt going to be any better this time round for them. I am not through it myself yet but I know I will be, and thats gonna be great. We have so much to look forward to still. Please be strong x
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Scout99
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« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2013, 03:03:16 PM »

Oh, sweet Bananas... .

I am so sorry to hear about your pain... .

You know what... .This friend of yours... .My guess is your ex BPD guy knows that friend knows you... .So what better way to send you a projective message like that to you, could he find... .

Please allow yourself to see this through not just the perspective he wants you to portray to you... .Because in all likelihood it is not even true... .If he was really doing fine, he would not need to brag about it to your friend in a bar... .if he was really doing fine he would ask about you and if you were doing ok... .

He wanted you to have this very message, and knew your friend would deliver it to you... .and that is not what people who are doing great does... .

That is what disordered people who need to deflect their own pains and fears onto others do... .And therefore he doesn't deserve your tears... .

I know it is very hard to take in at times like these, but you will one day be glad you got out... .

Do you have a friend or someone who can be there for you when you get home from work? Maybe do something, see a movie? Go for a walk? Anything that can distract you a little bit from this, that will make the immediate pain diminish a bit... .

We are here for you as well! You have really come a long way in your own recovery, so you know deep down this will pass... .

Best Wishes

Scout99
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Bananas
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« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2013, 03:55:53 PM »

Thank you everyone for the kind words and hugs. It really does help and it means a lot.  I am feeling a little better.

Scout, he does know she is one of my best friends, so I am sure he wanted the information to get back to me.  Thank you for reminding me that this is disordered behavior.  It still hurts though, how after all this time he would still make such an effort to do something he knows would cause me pain.  Enough already!   

I was supposed to go out with this same friend tonight, but I think I am just going to go home and take my dogs on a long hike and enjoy nature.  The evenings have been beautiful lately. 
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seeking balance
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« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2013, 03:58:25 PM »

  I am sorry

I eventually told my friends, unless it was life or death - don't tell me anything about ex.  Plain and simple.

Crying is ok, it is the healthy coping strategy to pain... .I used to roll my eyes when folks would write that to me, but... .it is a truth.

Hang in there!

SB
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
peas
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« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2013, 04:10:38 PM »

To echo what some of the others are saying: this guy still is trying to hurt you and that's totally not cool; and yes, you should ask mutual friends to not bring up your ex in conversation. They are not respecting your feelings. You have to heal and stories about his life now are not helping. When I read that part in your post, about your friend telling you all about talking to your ex and relaying his info to you, my first thought was it seemed insensitive of your friend to divulge all that when you are clearly hurting.

I, too, think your ex is full of ___ with things being wonderful for him right now. He may think they are wonderful because he's lying to himself that they are wonderful. But a leopard doesn't change his spots. A friend said that to me during a BPD recycle and I ignored the comment and stayed in denial. But now that I'm broken up for good with my exBPD guy, I totally believe it.
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Bananas
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« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2013, 05:55:30 PM »

When I read that part in your post, about your friend telling you all about talking to your ex and relaying his info to you, my first thought was it seemed insensitive of your friend to divulge all that when you are clearly hurting.

I don't think she meant to hurt me.  She was bringing it up in a manner to say his behavior was over the top and seemed fake.  But I dismissed that part.  Also, she commented on how much better I seem to be doing lately so she may have thought I was over him.  I am going to have to tell her not to bring him up.  We all work together, it's hard.  People just don't understand with the exception of those here on this board.   
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LetItBe
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« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2013, 06:40:47 PM »

Oh, Bananas.  You are not alone.  

I almost started a similar thread recently.  My BPDxbf has gone out of his way to parade his new gf around one of my very best friends.  I'm talking not just repeatedly walking by, holding hands in front of, and introducing her directly to my friend -- but also stopping to give her a long kiss in a very dramatic fashion right in front of my friend.  Not only did he know that information could be hurtful to me, but he put my friend in a very awkward position.  Not cool.  Yes, I reeled from imagining him with my replacement, and I've been very angry, sad, etc.  I felt I took a few steps back in my grieving process for sure.  Now that I've gone through those emotions, though, I'm seeing things more clearly.  

Scout99, your post here is brilliant:

Oh, sweet Bananas... .

I am so sorry to hear about your pain... .

You know what... .This friend of yours... .My guess is your ex BPD guy knows that friend knows you... .So what better way to send you a projective message like that to you, could he find... .

Please allow yourself to see this through not just the perspective he wants you to portray to you... .Because in all likelihood it is not even true... .If he was really doing fine, he would not need to brag about it to your friend in a bar... .if he was really doing fine he would ask about you and if you were doing ok... .

He wanted you to have this very message, and knew your friend would deliver it to you... .and that is not what people who are doing great does... .

That is what disordered people who need to deflect their own pains and fears onto others do... .And therefore he doesn't deserve your tears... .

I know it is very hard to take in at times like these, but you will one day be glad you got out... .

Do you have a friend or someone who can be there for you when you get home from work? Maybe do something, see a movie? Go for a walk? Anything that can distract you a little bit from this, that will make the immediate pain diminish a bit... .

We are here for you as well! You have really come a long way in your own recovery, so you know deep down this will pass... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

You are right -- someone who is doing "great" does not behave like that.  Their recent actions provide even more validation that they are not well and that leopards don't just change their spots (especially so suddenly).  Bananas, our ex's are clearly trying to continue to use us as the depositories for their pain.  We don't have to take it on.  It's time to do whatever we need to do to heal ourselves and let them keep what belongs to them.

I hope you're finding some peace tonight.  Being in nature with your dog sounds nurturing and grounding.  Those kinds of things have been helping me, too.  We will get to the other side of this.
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fiddlestix
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« Reply #9 on: September 13, 2013, 06:46:00 PM »

Bananas, I get that.  I wish our recovery was not so tenuous.  I was doing ok after a recent recycle with my diagnosed bipolar/ BPDex wife of 23 years (we had been separated for a year).  I figured she was with a newer, shinier toy (not that I am chopped liver; I am a very fit 47 year old man).  

After disappearing from my life, again, a dear friend of mine told me that my ex showed up at her (my friend's) house with her new "boy toy" late one night.  My friend (not a lover, just a dear old friend, btw) waited two weeks to tell me this.  She finally told me because it was just so odd.  I am not sure if my ex showed up with her boy toy (he is 14 years her junior) to display him, or if it is just more impulsive behavior.  My wife is very impulsive and often acts without thinking.  They were out on his motorcycle and "happened" to drive by my friend's house.  "Hey! Let's stop and say hi!" my wife may have been thinking, impulsively.  Or, she may have known damn well that my friend would tell me about her new boy toy.  The thing is, my wife likes to think that my friend is also her friend.  But, my friend grew weary of my ex's horrid behavior many years ago and is not fond of my ex.  My ex even acknowledged that during the visit that night.  She said, "I know this must be awkward for you since you are hit__'s (my name) friend."  Ya think?  

This set me back in my healing.  I did not like to hear that my ex is now with a much younger man (she has slept with many young guys).  It shouldn't matter, but it does.  No doubt she is feeding heavily off the fact that this young guy is fawning over her.  Maybe this guy is the "one."  Maybe her years of restless yearnings have ceased on his doorstep.  I don't know.  I should be a grown-up and wish her the best.  But I still hurt and can't help but hope this new guy doesn't work out either.  I guess it would help convince me that I was not the reason she is so crazy. Only a week before she dumped me again (without a word or explanation) she was telling me how she loved me, how cute I was, how she wanted to sit in my lap... .Then... .gone... .again.  Then she shows up at my friend's with her shiny new young biker boy.  What was she thinking?  Was she thinking at all, or just acting on impulse?  My ex is not stupid.  She is a marriage and family therapist (ya, really) with a Masters degree.  Bananas, I feel your pain my friend.  

Fiddlestix
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peas
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« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2013, 08:25:48 PM »

Fiddle, don't sweat the younger guy stuff. I've been there, done that, and it's overrated. I twice have had long-term r/s's with men 10 years younger than me and one of my "friends with benefits" is 14 years younger than me.

Let me tell you something: I want a guy in my age range or older. I'm in my early 40s. I want a "normal" relationship with someone I can have a secure future with. I loved my younger boyfriends, and we were in serious, committed relationships, but as a female I didn't like being a decade older. It never sat well with me. I overlooked it because these were special people, but really I yearned for someone in my age range who I clicked with and could settle down with.

My recent exBPDbf is in his late 30s, only four years younger than me, and I really thought I was going to marry him. I was ready. He said many times he wanted to marry me. Then his BPD and alcoholism stopped that cold.   

Now, three months after that breakup, I have a crush on an older man. I only know his name and not much else but he works in my office building, we've chatted casually, and I think he's gorgeous. He looks to be in his 50s.
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LetItBe
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« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2013, 08:47:42 PM »

Fiddle, don't sweat the younger guy stuff. I've been there, done that, and it's overrated.

Agreed.
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wrigley52

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« Reply #12 on: September 13, 2013, 09:11:04 PM »

You by far are not alone... .my ex fiancé was putting on fb a week after I kicked him out that he was in a relationship and he keeps putting on there that she is the love of him life. I kicked him to the curb when I found out he was cheating with her. He lied to both of us but she took got into a relationship with him. He left me with no money and bills... .I tried to tell her what a liar he is... .but she said she highly doubted it... .just wait you will see... .he even had the nerve to post something to his sons to make sure they got with someone who made them happy... .yea we had the honeymoon period and he was great then it was all downhill from there and I found out he lied the entire time.

Hang in there because we are all here for you!

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Bananas
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« Reply #13 on: September 14, 2013, 11:49:41 AM »

Thanks everyone for setting me straight.  As I detach and hit these rough spots, i initially have crying spells.  As my head clears I see these rough spots as further confirmation about how mentally ill my ex is.  You all help me with that.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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peas
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« Reply #14 on: September 14, 2013, 12:42:24 PM »

Excerpt
I detach and hit these rough spots, i initially have crying spells.

Normal. And let the crying spells continue. Three months post-BPD b/u and I still get crying jags, but I notice they are less directly about the exbf and more about general loss and transformation.
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