Silent Treatment

[sangria15]

A few weeks ago my long distance BPDbf encountered a speed bump. He had said he was going to visit and got mad when I did not formally invite him. So I invited him and gave exact details- there was a work function he said he would like to go to. He never actually would tell me if he was coming or not. Even on the day -nothing. Did not show up. We had a few minor tiffs so I was not terribly surprised but was hurt. However, I did not want to trigger anything especially with blame. I thought I had it and my response under control until we talked about me going to visit him and I made a remark to the effect I did not know if I was still invited. Firestorm of rage! He claimed that he had invited me many times and I knew how much he wanted me there. (All untrue- he is constantly describing the many activities he does on the weekends and if he had ever said he wanted me specifically to be there on a certain date it would have happened). It was very 'through the looking glass." I let him alone and a couple of days later said that I could see that he was upset and I could see how upset he was and how I could understand how maddening that would feel if he thought I didn't want to visit. I was trying to validate and empathize.  I tried to briefly explain that I was hurt but that it was my issue and I should not have been snarky. He is still upset about this nearly two weeks later. He will respond to some texts but in a cold "this is what you did and why I am upset" and when I try to get him to tell me what we can do to move past this I keep getting "whatever."

My dilemma is how to deal with the silent treatment without playing into the abandonment issues? I feel that he is choosing to be upset about this, but then, they are at the mercy of their emotions. Do i keep trying until he decides i'm no longer "black" or will i stay that way until I come up with some magic words? So weary, but I will not be the one to give up.

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[eeyore]

 

Hi Sangria,  here is a link to ways to deal with silent treatment

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse

This workshop is to discuss one type of verbal or emotional abuse; the silent treatment. Verbal abuse, in general, is a means of controlling others. What is the difference between "silent treatment (silent raging)" and someone just being quiet? 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

[sangria15]

Hi, Thanks! I have read it a few times and found some  previous posts that have helped. I have, unfortunately, forgotten the cardinal rule in dealing with BPDS- take care of yourself. I got so stressed that I started grinding my teeth-broke a tooth, it got infected=have to have a bridge; can't sleep. I keep trying to figure out if it stresses in his life- he moved two month ago, his daughter is getting married in two weeks- or just plain BPD. The days I've lost in sleepness nights... .It is scary to try to mirror and detachment is difficult but for the sake of my health and own sanity I have to. i am so grateful to this site to let me know I'm not alone.

[eeyore]

Hi, Thanks! I have read it a few times and found some  previous posts that have helped. I have, unfortunately, forgotten the cardinal rule in dealing with BPDS- take care of yourself. I got so stressed that I started grinding my teeth-broke a tooth, it got infected=have to have a bridge; can't sleep. I keep trying to figure out if it stresses in his life- he moved two month ago, his daughter is getting married in two weeks- or just plain BPD. The days I've lost in sleepness nights... .It is scary to try to mirror and detachment is difficult but for the sake of my health and own sanity I have to. i am so grateful to this site to let me know I'm not alone.

You are not alone. 

[committed]

Oh... .I read your post and felt as though it was something I had written myself about four years ago.  Eeyore is correct... .your are not alone. When my BPDbf and I started dating, it was also a long distance relationship and I went through about 3-4 episodes of the silent treatment alone the first year. I would be so hurt and I would call him, email him trying to find out what was going on. I soon learned that if I completely left him alone; he would eventually call me and act as if nothing had happened. Then I would be able at a later time to talk with him. But, i was never able to get to the bottom of why he was acting that way until... .

After two years together, he ended up moving to my town and moved in with me. He had gotten laid off work and decided he wanted to find someplace closer to me. I was very anxious and nervous about him doing this because of the back and forth episodes we had experienced. But, instead we got along really well. So I asked him one day if he had noticed that we were getting along great and why that was? Why when he lived in another town he would go days without talking to me a times?

His answer was so suprising but explained away much of what was going on. He said that when he spent a weekend with me, he felt so in love and was so happy. Then he had to go home and be away from me. On the drive home, he said he would start worrying that he was going to lose me and that everything was going to fall apart. He said by the time he got home, he was so depressed and so sure I was going to dump him, that he would push me away so I couldn't hurt him. He said he didn't know why he did it and he knew he shouldn't do it, but couldn't help it because the fear was so great. He would crawl into what he referred to as his "cave," would work, come home, not have contact with anyone and go to bed early. Then by the time the weekend came and nothing bad happened, he felt like it was Ok to come out and come see me again. Is that classic fear of abandonment or what? It didn't happen every time, but about once a month after we would have a weekend where we felt especially close.

I don't know if that is the same thing your BF is feeling, but thought I'd share. It gave me some great insight into what was going on in his mind and helped me understand his feelings better.

[Sugarlily]

Like committed I am in a long distance relationship and have found the same, there is usually a reason for my boyfriend's silent spells (though they only last 3-4 days) often to do with fear of abandonment. Usually if I leave him for a couple of days, then text to ask if he is ok, he will then say what is wrong.

The types of reasons have been varied from we've had a great weekend and he is scared things will go wrong as we are closer to I've offended or upset by something I said but not realised. I also notice that if he thinks he has hurt or upset me by something he has said/done then he disappears for a couple of days. He always says he is worried in those situations that I will dump him for not getting things right and he is avoiding that happening.

On the teeth grinding, I do the same and clench my jaw, my therapist suggested getting a mouth guard which has really helped and also facial/neck massage to release tension.

[committed]

Sangria and Sugarlily,

I can tell you the thing that has worked the best for me... .as hard as it was to do at the beginning... .was to focus on taking care of me during those times and learn not to take it personally. You have to let him take care of his garbage on his side of the street himself. Most of the time we have done nothing wrong; it is their feelings and inability to handle their feelings and emotions.

It took me months, but I finally got the hang of it and then I started seeing the benefits of it. The silent treatments and rages were fewer. He could sense when i was upset and in turn his fears would kick in and things would escalate. After things started improving, it got easier for me to take care of me. But, I do understand how hard it is in the beginning... .and I still have those moments these days but not so often.

Hang in there... .

[sangria15]

I feel so much better after reading what you all wrote. It IS really hard to "let it be" but it seems like the best course of action for everyone. It feels so good- the relief!- to know I am not alone. You start thinking that you caused this unique behavior and then all kinds of self recrimination begins- but to read that this is not true is so helpful. 

[sangria15]

This may seem like a strange question, but how do you handle silent treatment, mirroring and Facebook?

In the past when he has gotten mad he has just defriended me, and that was pretty clear. We are now in the stage where we have not spoken on the phone (remember, this is long distance) in a month but have commented/ "liked" things on the other's page and exchanged some messages. I have kept them objective as possible on my part, but I am not sure if even this is really mirroring/detaching. I do consider this still to be silent treatment on his part because except for a couple of things he has not initiated anything. I have to assume that I am still in the doghouse until he tells me otherwise, and with the wedding of his daughter coming up I definitely do not want to push. Anyone have thoughts or experiences?

[eeyore]

This may seem like a strange question, but how do you handle silent treatment, mirroring and Facebook?

In the past when he has gotten mad he has just defriended me, and that was pretty clear. We are now in the stage where we have not spoken on the phone (remember, this is long distance) in a month but have commented/ "liked" things on the other's page and exchanged some messages. I have kept them objective as possible on my part, but I am not sure if even this is really mirroring/detaching. I do consider this still to be silent treatment on his part because except for a couple of things he has not initiated anything. I have to assume that I am still in the doghouse until he tells me otherwise, and with the wedding of his daughter coming up I definitely do not want to push. Anyone have thoughts or experiences?

Sorry but I'd find a new friend if it were me.  I have so many friends I don't have time for that kind of game playing.   Facebook has been a great way to keep up with people but it's certainly not going to be the existence of my life.  Just my humble opinion.  How do you want to deal with it?

[committed]

I would also suggest that you move on with your life. I'm not saying you guys can't work things out, but quit waiting and watching him to see what his next move is going to be. My BF did the silent treatment to me once for a long period of time and I just moved on. When he finaly decided to make contact with me, I couldn't take his call because I was on a date with another man. I told him that and I think that was when he realized he didn't have me at his beck and call as much as he thought he did. He and I did eventually talk it out and I decided to give he and I anothr chance, but not before telling him that if he ever left me in the lurch like that without contact again we were finished. He hasn't to that extent since then. sure we have our squabbles and I get the somewhat silent treatment, but only for a few hours to a day at the most... .probably time well spent away from each other for both of us.

You just need to put some focus back on you and what you want and need in your life. Also, I might add that Facebook is one of the worst communication vehicles out there for anyone with BPD or any mental illness for that matter. People misread comments, get depressed when someone doesn't respond to their status, get angy because of things other said etc... .It's dangerous to a person of a healthy mindset... .even more so to a person who is unstable.

[sangria15]

Thanks, everyone. I am working on detaching and not being the moon to his earth. I have my life to live, i can't be in suspended animation.

[eeyore]

 

Taking care of yourself is the best think you can do.  You are not alone.  I've just been hit with the facebook revenge post.  While it is hurtful I'm ignoring it and taking care of me, silently.