Need help

[Depression = 72% of members]

... .So I started a thread a couple of months ago in regards to my uBPD (now ex). My T was the one that first picked up on her behavior and warned me. I moved her out of my apt based on her behavior and my reactions, which had the potential to be detrimental to both of us. From the beginning I had the feeling that something had happened to her (partying,  possibly drugged and assaulted),  but she denied this adamantly. It came to light that she had definitely slept with another guy, but the circumstances were unknown. Rumors flew. After I moved her out,  she redoubled her efforts to work things out. I asked for some distance, which she didn't give me. She claimed to have a letter explaining everything, which I have yet to see. When everything first happened, it was rumored that she was drugged. Now,  she's implying that she was and that all the lies she told were because she was scared, confused, and traumatized. She has set up a counseling session for us, but I can 't go. It's been 2.5 months of hell for me... .I took a month off from work to try to support her and we got nowhere closer to the truth, and she never opened up at all, got mad with me "for not being (me)." She has assaulted me in my own home,  been verbally abusive,  and stalked me. The time off from work and the emotional and mental toll is endangering my job. I ended up taking a 2 week work detail on the other end of the country to get away from the situation to get some space,  away from her, and to stabilize myself and my job. I never told her I was leaving,  and broke things off with her this morning. I do love her,  and I explained that I ended things to protect myself because I couldn't take anymore hurt and lies.She swears that she was afraid to tell me and that this letter explains everything. My job,  my sanity,  and my well being cant take anymore damage,  but I cant leave her hanging if she really was attacked. My gut tells me this is a last ditch attempt to pull me back in,  but I have no way of knowing for sure because she 's proved by her actions that I cant trust anything she says. However,  could trauma cause her to act like this? Before a couple months ago,  this would be completely unlike her. Moral dilemma. PLEASE HELP.

[fft524]

... .So I started a thread a couple of months ago in regards to my uBPD (now ex). My T was the one that first picked up on her behavior and warned me. I moved her out of my apt based on her behavior and my reactions, which had the potential to be detrimental to both of us. From the beginning I had the feeling that something had happened to her (partying,  possibly drugged and assaulted),  but she denied this adamantly. It came to light that she had definitely slept with another guy, but the circumstances were unknown. Rumors flew. After I moved her out,  she redoubled her efforts to work things out. I asked for some distance, which she didn't give me. She claimed to have a letter explaining everything, which I have yet to see. When everything first happened, it was rumored that she was drugged. Now,  she's implying that she was and that all the lies she told were because she was scared, confused, and traumatized. She has set up a counseling session for us, but I can 't go. It's been 2.5 months of hell for me... .I took a month off from work to try to support her and we got nowhere closer to the truth, and she never opened up at all, got mad with me "for not being (me)." She has assaulted me in my own home,  been verbally abusive,  and stalked me. The time off from work and the emotional and mental toll is endangering my job. I ended up taking a 2 week work detail on the other end of the country to get away from the situation to get some space,  away from her, and to stabilize myself and my job. I never told her I was leaving,  and broke things off with her this morning. I do love her,  and I explained that I ended things to protect myself because I couldn't take anymore hurt and lies.She swears that she was afraid to tell me and that this letter explains everything. My job,  my sanity,  and my well being cant take anymore damage,  but I cant leave her hanging if she really was attacked. My gut tells me this is a last ditch attempt to pull me back in,  but I have no way of knowing for sure because she 's proved by her actions that I cant trust anything she says. However,  could trauma cause her to act like this? Before a couple months ago,  this would be completely unlike her. Moral dilemma. PLEASE HELP.

[Emelie Emelie]

... .So I started a thread a couple of months ago in regards to my uBPD (now ex). My T was the one that first picked up on her behavior and warned me. I moved her out of my apt based on her behavior and my reactions, which had the potential to be detrimental to both of us. From the beginning I had the feeling that something had happened to her (partying,  possibly drugged and assaulted),  but she denied this adamantly. It came to light that she had definitely slept with another guy, but the circumstances were unknown. Rumors flew. After I moved her out,  she redoubled her efforts to work things out. I asked for some distance, which she didn't give me. She claimed to have a letter explaining everything, which I have yet to see. When everything first happened, it was rumored that she was drugged. Now,  she's implying that she was and that all the lies she told were because she was scared, confused, and traumatized. She has set up a counseling session for us, but I can 't go. It's been 2.5 months of hell for me... .I took a month off from work to try to support her and we got nowhere closer to the truth, and she never opened up at all, got mad with me "for not being (me)." She has assaulted me in my own home,  been verbally abusive,  and stalked me. The time off from work and the emotional and mental toll is endangering my job. I ended up taking a 2 week work detail on the other end of the country to get away from the situation to get some space,  away from her, and to stabilize myself and my job. I never told her I was leaving,  and broke things off with her this morning. I do love her,  and I explained that I ended things to protect myself because I couldn't take anymore hurt and lies.She swears that she was afraid to tell me and that this letter explains everything. My job,  [/b]my sanity,  and my well being cant take anymore damage,  but I cant leave her hanging if she really was attacked. My gut tells me this is a last ditch attempt to pull me back in,  but I have no way of knowing for sure because she 's proved by her actions that I cant trust anything she says. However,  could trauma cause her to act like this? Before a couple months ago,  this would be completely unlike her. Moral dilemma. PLEASE HELP.

If she is BPD your job your sanity and your well being is going to continue to be damaged.  Trust your gut.

[fft524]

That 's a rather large if... .my T made a diagnosis based off of my description of her behaviors that concern me... .could we be dealing with a trauma response AND BPD?

[bpdspell]

fft524,

The breakup is pretty recent making your emotions pretty anxiety filled and raw. There's a lot to understand about BPD and it takes time to process.

Whether your ex is trauma filled or undiagnosed BPD what matters most is not the label. What matters is the behavior and arriving at the point of the relationship where she's HURTING you. You matter and you deserve to protect yourself from her lies, emotional abuse and her drama and chaos.

You are not her rescuer nor savior. She lied to you, mistreated you and you don't trust her so there's really nothing that she can say or do that will make things go back to the way they were.

When our BPD ex's are desperate enough they will do or say anything to avoid being abandoned but the reality is that they're mentally ill and cannot change without deep psychological intervention and a willing desire  on their part to work on their own issues. We cannot make them want help; they will have to want it for themselves.

I understand needing to get away from the crazy. I took trips to Philadelphia and stayed with friends (I live in NYC) just to get away from my ex's begging, pleading, excuses and bargaining. When they're desperate it's called an extinction burst. It's lots of emotional manipulation that involves guilt and obligation and it can sway us from wanting to cut the cord off for good.

What will help you in your journey is understand all you can about BPD and how it's a toxic dance that takes two. But only you have the power to take yourself off the dance floor for good.

Spell

[Surnia]

Hi fft524

I am very sorry to hear what happened recently in your life. 

I agree with spell, if BPD or not. For drama and chaos and for trauma too, there are qualified therapists who can help her out. Please don't take this burden.

Beside this, trust your gutts. And action speaks louder than words.

Focus on your life, bc your situation is not so stable right now.

I hope this helps a little bit.