"If she had hit me, people would understand."

[TheRightPond]

Does anyone else struggle with this thought?

I was often terrified for my safety growing up. From the time my dad died (I was five) on I was constantly reminded, "Why are you crying? At least I don't hit you." or "I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it." All of the precursors to violence: clenched fists, clenched jaw, red face, bulging veins, standing 1-inch away. She only attacked me once and, thankfully, I was old enough to defend myself.

People don't seem to understand being made to believe you should be thankful for being allowed to continue existing. It's harder for them to understand that I still don't feel safe even though I haven't seen her in 12 years, and that I won't feel safe until she's dead.

What did you do to get past being scared?

[Clearmind]

Don't wish that upon yourself. I suffered physical abuse and it didn't change a thing.

Feeling safe is accepting you are an adult and not that little child that needed protecting.

[Finding Courage]

I struggle with the challenge of trying to explain to people the nature of my mom's behavior and that we don't have a positive relationship.  I also have a difficult time explaining to people the true nature of my childhood.  I didn't suffer any physical or sexual abuse, which I am obviously grateful for, but I did suffer tremendous emotional neglect and abuse.  Severe enmeshment, emotional incest, neglect, and a childhood full of instability and emotional chaos.   All of this has serious ramifications for me today.  However, it would be a lot easier to say "my mom was physically abusive" or "my mom was an alcoholic" than it is to explain a personality disorder.  I struggle with the lack of validation of my experience and people not understanding what it was truly like for me. 

[GeekyGirl]

  It's so frustrating knowing that people who didn't grow up with someone with BPD just don't get it. I wish sometimes that BPD was more well-understood by others, so when I explain that my mother and I have a "complicated" relationship, people would understand.

I agree with the others--you've been through something very painful, and now you're an adult. You're strong. You're a survivor.

Do you have people who you can confide in and who can truly understand what you've been through? While I don't share much about my mother's disorder with most people, I have a few close friends and a therapist who understand (or try to, at least!). When I really need support, that's where I find it. I've also made a point to do things that make me feel good and strong, like trying something new or completing a project. When do you feel like you're strongest and fearless?

[CinnamonRadio]

I have definitely felt this way before.  Before I found the right T, I even wondered if I had been more physically abused or even sexually abused in some way and was just blocking it out, because I felt so horrible and didn't feel like I had a "good reason".

I would say that my biggest factors in healing have been building great relationships with good friends and supportive family members (I'm lucky enough to have a few), and music, music, music.  Maybe I'm just seeing things through BPD-colored glasses, but there seems to be a lot of music that speaks to me in terms of what I went through as a child.  There was a lot of threats and a lot of zero-validation.